My 10 Year Old - Huntington Beach,CA

Just ignore it. She just is being a kid, do what you think is right for her. She will learn her tactics don't work. She will be fine. I have raised 4 children & now have 7 grand children. They all grew fine. Just teach them to love the world and do whats right. GOOD LUCK. A. 85 years young.

You don't say if her look or crying gets her her own way. If it doesn't then just walk away from her and ignore it. If she is getting a response from you like you acting upset or giving in then it will continue.

sandy

Pre-teen angst. Hormones. Girls...
There is a great book series for this age-set called "American Girls" series. You can find it on www.amazon.com
I even got it for my girl already.

My late Dad, when were that age and in our teens, had this approach:
1) he knew that we being "girls" were prone to this... and he NEVER tried to make us into something we were not.
2) he made sure he kept himself "approachable" to us, and for ANYTHING we wanted to talk to him about... thus, if any problems occurred, we would (hopefully) go to him first
3) he did not tolerate "sassy" backhanded mouthing off... and he put his foot down... took away phone privileges, going out curfews etc.
4) BUT, he gave us "warnings" and we knew he meant business and would uphold his consequences... hence, we pretty much did what the "rules" were... but we also knew that he RESPECTED us.. and he NEVER talked "at" us, but with us.
5) Girls, like any age, ARE emotional... so partly they can't help it and partly they need to LEARN how to circumvent it... and if their friends are the same way, they are likely to "copy" and do the same thing
6) giving "the look" with the eyes is just auto-pilot for some kids... but, make sure that she knows what boundaries are... and what you will or will not tolerate... my Dad picked his battles... versus, my Mom would NIT-PICK EVERYTHING she didn't like.... so GUESS who me and my sister listened to more? It doesn't take rocket science to guess that.

7) The main thing, was that we got respect and was able to express ourselves 'safely" and knew we could... so likewise, we had a "respect" for our Parents... they treated us as THEY wanted to be treated. I guess, that was basic old fashioned child-rearing for my Dad.
8) Also, my Dad did not try to "save" us for every little crying we did... sometimes he would just say "yes, I know it's hard... but crying is good for you too... you can vent and when you are done we will talk about it. No, you still can't go out until 11:00p.m. like your friends..." End of story. But, he would offer alternatives.. like, having our friends over at our house and they can sleep over or something. (and yes, he always hugged us even amidst our crying and offered us his shoulder).
9) Most IMPORTANTLY, and no matter what, we also KNEW that my Dad always "liked" us... always. THIS simple fact and "feeling" made us more amenable in our interactions. Versus with our Mom, well, sometimes we just didn't "know" IF she "liked" us... depending on how we acted and her reaction. This "feeling" for a kid, really sucks. So I learned and do NOT at any time, convey this attitude to my own children. I think it's an important aspect, that some Parents forget and it can very much affect how a child will cooperate or not. A child really needs to KNOW without a doubt, that their parent truly "likes" them too. I would hear my Dad say this.

Just let it happen... parents can't "fix" every crying episode (especially if they are doing it on purpose to irk you), but at the same time, WE have to KNOW when something is TRULY "wrong" and they NEED us. Keep approachable to her, keep available, keep comforting... a child never outgrows the need for comforting no matter how old.

The thing is, you want to ALWAYS be "in-the-loop" where her life is concerned, so you can keep tabs on her happiness/troubles/or anything, especially at this age.

My Dad, I don't know how he did it, but he kept us "in balance" pretty well for us being typical "girls." My Mom in retrospect, had less "tolerance" for it and was less approachable. So we tended toward our Dad... as he always "understood" us, for better or worse. And thusly, he was our "confidant." THAT is what you want to be for your child, no matter what.

Don't stick labels on her. This is not good, especially for a pre-teen or teen. My Mom, bless her too, did "label" us, but my Dad would never do that. It makes a HUGE difference in a child.

Good luck,
Susan

This sounds like a clear boundaries and emotional exploitation issue. Your ten year old has blurred the lines between having 'hurt' feelings and trying to get what she wants.

If you don't get this under control now, she's going to be doing this WAY into her teens. I think what you need to do is on a weekend day, ask her to sit down and talk with you about the 'house' rules. Explain you'd like to 'talk' with her about things and get 'her' opinion on how things work now. Make her a part of the issue and the creation of a new plan to make things function better on both sides.

On that day, sit down with some notes and explain to her how it makes you feel when she breaks the rules and that she needs to understand their are consequences to actions that are unsafe and/or break the rules. Outline for her the rules from that day forward, and how the punishment scale will work. Tell her you need her help with making sure that the whole house works together as a team, and that you all need to depend on each other.

Be firm. Explain that from that day forward these rules take effect for everyone and that if she can't comply then, she will lose privelages. I've done this with some of my school kids in the classroom, and it works really well. Even though they know the rules already, if you address it one-on-one, it gives them 'personal' attention they may be lacking. I let them express to me their concerns with the rules and always come equipped with a good logical response to back it up. The 'because I said so' fight never works with kids...ever.

My sister and Mom went through this too, and I actually came up with this after talking to my Mom about my own work issues.

I hope this helps, and I wish you good luck.

Wow A., interesting responses. All I did was send my daughters to their room to cry. I never thought it was depression, never took it personally. I didn't want to raise a brat who always got what they wanted. when I said no, I meant it, if they cried because they couldn't get it, they cried in their room. If they ever gave me a "look", that was mandatory room time.

It is my opinion, but real life dictates not getting everything you want. Even as an adult. I want a house on the beach, I cannot have it right now, I'm not crying about it, I just don't get to have it! Oh well. I don't feel powerless, I don't need to be medicated, I just want it and know that right now I don't get it, but maybe one day I will. To me, it's that simple.

Believe me, with a girl (I raised 2) there will be a lot of crying, feelings hurt and the world coming to an end. It's all about how you handle it. I suggest love. Love her through her emotions, but don't let her make you feel guilty because she is told no. She is going to be told no by others, not just you, and she really has to lean to live with being told no.

Maybe when she wants something and you say yes, you can remind her that even though you said no to something earlier, you are saying yes now and she will see that not everything is no, only somethings.

Hopefully this is helpful. Good luck. Girls are really a lot of fun, it takes a lot of love and understanding, but you as a parent have to be the parent. You have to be the authority figure and she as a kid has to learn to respect that. When she is an adult and wants something, she can have it or work towards getting it. It's called setting goals. Everyone should have them :)

You put up with it. Most parents do. Yesterday I was in the grocery store and a mom was trying to control her boys. In a strong voice I asked them if they had heard what Mom said to them. They were so surprised at first but then went on to get smart with me. I followed up by asking if they needed to go out back with me. Now, I would not have done this if the Mom and I had not exchanged looks before hand, and she thanked me afterward and told me how defiant they were at this stage. The lack of involvement on all our parts is part of it. We (other people)ignore children and don't expect them to behave. Instead of being willing to help that mother in the store gain control we worry about being PC and taking the easy way. It is hard work to raise a strongwilled child, and you may be in for the long haul here. You could invite others to call her on her lack of respect, and make sure you treat her with respect. I know my behavior is not always welcome but I have a hard tome not calling out rude children. Parents work hard and are frazzled and our children push us as hard as they can, it is how they are made because they need to learn. You get a strong one and WOW. Good luck.

There are some really good one liners that get kids to do anything. It teaches them how to live in the real world.
Go to www.loveandlogic.com By one of the cd and listen to it in the car to memorize the one liners they work really great! Good luck. M. R

Hi Aysia

Nip it in the bud now! Crying and disrespectful looks are a way of manipulation. Depression? I'm sorry........but I don't think so. In my opinion, You are the parent, she is the child and you have the upper hand and need to establish that this kind of behavior is unacceptable. Parents give in way too easily these days and their kids end up ruling the home and turn out to be selfish adults.

Perhaps, when she is in her normal state, you can talk to her compassionately and express to her your love but that you will not accept her behavior when things don't go her way. Give her a fair warning of what will happen and then FOLLOW THROUGH CONSISTENTLY. If you don't. it's only going to get worse. In the long run, she'll be a better, more considerate kid and respect you for it. When a child respects you, they also trust you which is the ultimate foundation for every relationship. Best to you and Merry Christmas.

Hi there, OMG, she's crossing to the dark side! Here's what I've done (I have teenage daughters.) In a calm moment tell that you know how hard this time can be, that feelings can be confusing and that you get it. However, when she cries to get her own way you can't understand her and you'll be ignoring her. After you've said it you have to do it. Trust me, the worst thing you can do is placate her or give in to her while she's carrying on. Re the looks, just ignore them. Remember pick your battles carefully. Good luck.

Ah, the joys of puberty! Just ignore her. Send her to her room. You could also tell her whatever she wants will become less and less (i.e. she wants to stay up an extra hour, so send her to bed an hour earlier than usual) if she keeps it up, assuming she's doing it on purpose. That might help with the "look". Good luck! This too shall pass......eventually.

Oh my! Seriously, she is a typical 10 year old! I am sorry, but most of them are like this, IMO. Well, maybe not most of them, but you only really hear about the ones who do this. I saw a response you got that said walk away. I agree with her. HOWEVER if this does not work within a reasonable time, then maybe the school councilor can have a chat with her to see whats going on. Sometimes parents go to the Psy way too soon and end up putting their kids on life long drugs, for bipolar etc, when it could be avoided by not over reacting.
I speak with experience.

Get a good "tween" book. She needs clear signals from you at this point. A firm but loving, unemotional prompt is always the way to go when you get that attitude!
M.

When things are calm, ask her why she responds that way and hopefully she can come up with the answer and really listen. Maybe she knows, maybe not. I know it's difficult if she's not a verbal child. Tell her you want to find a way to make things work better for the two of you around your parenting choices and you need her help in doing that. Explain what your needs are and why and that sometimes you need to say no. Ask her if she can see your point of view and if not, you may have to just allow her her reaction and know she's moving through it her own way and the less reactivated you are with her response, perhaps the sooner she might get over it as well. (Being said no to always made me, when I was a child, feel outraged and powerless and I was very good at driving my mother crazy until she either reneged or I felt I had taken back some of my power. It's not necessarily a bad trait. You need to guide her with a cool head and clear communication. You can also lose it sometimes if you're responsible for it later!)

This is normal pre-teen behavior. Ignore it all. Even the crying. If the crying continues, send her to her room. That's what I do with my kids. It works for me. As for "the look" that will be there for a long time! Every girl I know does it, including my girls. I give my girls check marks if they are disrespectful, and if they get three, they lose a treat the next day, and if they get more, they lose TV, computer, and the list goes on. Good luck!

Don't cave into the pressure from her.

Hi A.,

I have a 12 year old daughter, so I've been through that. Stand your ground....I recommend implementing a chore list and very structured daytime routine/check list. That really helped my daughter. You have to give tough love right now. She will get thru this part. I have to admit, my daughter is much better now. We don't argue like we used to. But I've also become more 'Mom' then 'Friend'. You can't really be a friend to her right now. Could she be ready to start her period??? I know around that time, they seem to be unbearable. A lot of it is hormones and there's nothing you can do about it. Take some time once a week or so with her. THe two of you go out and get ice cream or something and just have some one on one time with her.

Hang in there.

Consistency.....if you say NO...stick to NO, no matter what. How much you stick to what you say now will only make it more more easier or more difficult for the teenage years!

There is a good book out there called "Boundaries for Kids". You can get it from Amazon used. I would totally suggest this for you. They also have one for teens. I just sent these to my friend because they are beginning to have some slight problems.

Give her the look back. If she thinks she can intimidate you, she will continue this until she's an adult and may come across someone who doesn't appreciate her attitude. I hope you don't have a problem telling her "no". Explain to her that sometimes she will get what she wants and sometimes she may be disappointed at your decisions, but mommy knows what is best for her. I hope this helps.

Just ignore and and walk away, if you don'tt pay attention to her when she is like this, which is so common for her age, all kids pout when they don't get there way.. its the feel sorry act.. ignore

Very contrary to what I normally believe in, but does not hurt to try – get from Whole Foods homeopathic remedy called Pulsatilla 30C. Give it to her every day for a week on empty stomach. Hard to judge w/o details though.

Please have your Dr. evaluate her for depression. I was depressed as a child. Mine started in 2nd grade, 5th & 6th grade were the worst. No one knew what depression was then. Ask about dysthymic depression. Please don't wait. She is crying for help. This is a chemical imbalance. It is not your fault or hers. It just happens in the brain. It is very treatable. It is easier to live with than diabetes, in that it must be treated, just like diabetes must be treated, but No daily shots and finger prick testing 4 x day. Group sessions help in learning how to live with this each day.