Found Bikini Poster Under 12 Y O Boy's Bed... How to Handle with Care...

My apologies for the directness - have you considered that confronting his poster discloses the fact that you search his room - and will make him a better concealer of the next item he feels the need to hide?

I would ask him if he needs help hanging it up, it is a poster after all. Just seems like the best way to open a dialog. :)

Just ignore it. He is being a normal 12 yo boy!

If it's just a girl in a bikini, that's pretty tame compared to what you could have found. He's going to be curious, it is normal. Dad really ought to have a talk with him, so it is a father-son thing, and see if he has any questions, but let him know what he is going through is totally normal. You could try gently letting him know you found the poster, and he's not in trouble, but you want to know if he has questions, and let him know he can talk to you about anything and try not to freak out. Driving in the car is a good time to talk because they can't get away!

It's a pic of a girl in a bikini... Really? It could be worse

I would hope that you and dad have had ongoing open lines of communication through out the years so that son could come chat with you.

Obviously now to step 2. Open dialogue with your son. No punishment needed, he did no wrong. The sad part is he feels the need to hide something so simple. That says to me that there is a communication breakdown somewhere.

If you want him to k ow something it's up to you to communicate. If you're too embarrassed to do it eye to eye then do it while you're driving or walking somewhere. Please communicate... He did nothing wrong so don't chastise him for normalcy.

If anything, this is a man to man conversation since there is one available. I would however begin to have the sex talk - the REAL sex talk, you know the one where you show how to use a condom and discuss what really happens with all of this stuff. I respect that you do not advocate sex, but I also think that lack of honest education is a major disservice as well. You can teach your son all the gruesome (include child birth) information he needs to know with out telling him it is okay - you explain that all of these things are why you are NOT ready and it is NOT okay unti marriage (as your religion dictates) to have sex. I say show him how to use a condom because it is important to know how to use one CORRECTLY and all the rules that apply.

Related but not required read:
I was "banned" from being friends with someone because I was trying to show her how to use a condom. Her mom walked in at the begining - called my mom to pick me up - we could no longer hang out. This friend of mine had already decided she was going to have sex with her boyfriend, I tried to talk her out of it and realized the least I could do was show her how to protect herself like my mom did. My mother praised me for passing on the information and gave her mother an earful. Turns out a few months later, she was pregnant - guess who was to blame for that too? In short, if a child wants to have sex, they are going to - the least you can do for them is show them how to protect themselves.

I would ignore it. If you make an issue out of it he will just find a better place to hide it in the future and it will compromise his relationship with you. It is normal, and pushing this is going to push him to do even more.

"While I was making your bed today I found your "hot chick" poster under the bed. If you'd like to hang it on the wall that's fine with me. She is pretty cute, and I don't mind posters of girls in bikinis, but NO naked girls, okay?"

His entire room will either be covered in bikini clad women OR he'll feel sort of ashamed and won't put anything of the sort on the walls.

I'd let him have it up, it's pretty normal, just set your boundary as to how many he's allowed to have.

My kids dad had a gazillion pics of sexy chicks in his garage, so I guess I'm lenient in this area, pictures are not threatening to me.

If he were my child, I would hang it in his closet (like another poster said) and then let him know he is COMPLETELY NORMAL for wanting to look at pretty girls!

That way, you don't have to see it, he doesn't have to feel ashamed or like he is doing anything wrong and still gets to look at it from time to time and MOST IMPORTANTLY you guys can address this issue and improve your relationship and maybe just maybe he will not feel the need to hide things from you in the future?

If letting him keep it is out of the question, although since you have already found it once and didn't take it away (which is awesome of you) I'd say that is not the case, the next best thing is to listen to your husband and don't say anything about it....I agree with your husband on this as long as your son knows in his heart that he is being a NORMAL pre-teen boy!

Aren't boys just great?!

Mom/Auntie to 6 boys!

You are upset that he is hiding it, yet you don't want to see it. Do you think he may be hiding it not to be sneaky but to protect you? How about a compromise: let him hang it in his closet where he can get a peek at it all he wants but you don't have to look at it.

A bikini poster isn't a Playboy or Hustler magazine or even a lingerie catalog.
If it were, husband needs to talk to son about treating women with respect as oppose to sexual objects.
Seeing as it's just near nudity and he wants to keep it private, just leave it alone for now.
As for the chores, he does them or no tv, computer/internet, video games and/or cell phone.
Continual good behavior earns fun/perks.

I would turn a blind eye

I would turn a blind eye. Discovering one's sexuality is an intensely private matter. I believe a parent's role here is to make themselves approachable and available to answer questions and that's it, no prying.
As to hiding it, I'm confused. Are you saying you'd prefer it if he left that stuff out in the open? If it were me I'd casually suggest a hiding place and then refrain from looking there in the future.

You want him to start doing chores and stuff and be more willing to help out...pull him aside, when no one else is around (be very relaxed) and just tell him, non-judgementally, that you found the pic, and that he needs to put it in a better spot so you don't run into it.

I found something similar in my son's room and inside I was freaking out (he was standing right next to me when I found it!) but I just turned to him and said "You need to hide these better so your sister's don't find it." That night he told me he thought for sure I'd be so mad at him for it. I told him I understood that he's a boy and he's curious and so on, and I'm not going to get mad at him for being "normal". For the next few weeks he was a model child, lol!

I think your husband ought to be the one to ask him why he has a secret picture of a woman in a bikini, and then let him explain. Your husband needs to figure out in advance what you and his position on this is.

Dawn

I am Baptist - actually, born again into the Baptist faith - anyhoo, I "preach" abstinence to my son (who is 16 now) and he says that he plans to be abstinent until marriage. But, I am also a realist, who began having talks about his physical and emotional changes with him from about 8 years old and continuing on through now.

When he was about 12 he developed an interest in girls - hmmm, I guess "hot" women actually. His father was using our address temporarily and his Maxim magazine was being delivered to our house. I walked into the kitchen one afternoon and saw my son surreptitiously looking though it. So I began flipping through it - I think it was the one with Lindsey Lohan on the cover - The whole thing led us to a discussion about women, respect, hormones, and the decline and fall of Miss Lohan. LOL

I told him it was okay to look through the magazine (it contains no nudes) but to take the male posturing articles with a grain of salt because much of the "advice" they give does not really work in real like. For the next few months I noticed the magazines briefly disappeared for a day or two, then reappeared in the pile of mail collecting for his father. I did flip through them, and did browse the articles, and would being them up in conversation. Once his father's mail stopped coming to the house, the moment passed. Unless a Victoria's Secret catalog came in - those I actually find more sexual than the Maxim and tended to trash while walking up from the mailbox.

Anyhoo, long way around the bushes to say, that your son looking at the poster is natural - it goes along with the changing physical/emotional/puberty time he is in. I don't think that only his father is capable of having a discussion with him about this - Mom's are able to handle this - in fact, a woman's point of view on objectification of the female form might be a good thing. Along with respect, and acknowledgement of his curiosity. Because he is curious - they all are at that age.

Don't make him feel ashamed of having the poster. Do acknowledge that he has it and discuss it - if you think it is inappropriate tell him why - do you think it misrepresents real women? Does it clash with your values? Etc.

He hid it because he was afraid he would be in trouble for having it.

Now is the time to open up an ongoing, honest line of communication with your son about sex and sexuality within the framework of your values and beliefs.

As for the household chore defiance - this also is natural at this age. They are hovering between childhood and pre-adulthood and resistance is to be expected. For chores, with my son, there was, and remains, a reward and punishment system. Because, unlike discussions of "risque" magazines, chores are something that he must contribute to the household.

I would not just brush it under the rug. This poster is a great springboard for your family to begin helping navigate through the murky waters of puberty.

Good Luck
God Bless

awwwwwwwww.
:) khairete
S.

Well, now you know he's heterosexual.

I agree with your DH and in-laws- let the boy have his privacy.

Oh Katy. We are Catholic. Lines with sexuality and religion are drawn but we all know "human, we are". I honestly think that you speaking one on one with him and being very sensitive and honest would be a great start. I am no pro at this however have 2 boys and 2 girls. I try my hardest to make sure that they are comfortable talking with me about anything but know that they won't just open up to me out of nowhere. It has to start with me and you have a perfect opportunity here. Now I will say my oldest son is far more open than my 2nd. My honest thought here is to be honest and share your views both personally and biblically. He may not say much, he may be very embarrassed, however, this will be the first of many so now is as good of a time than any and best handled one on one to prevent him feeling badly about it. You sound so nurturing and this will be different than the normal sex talk and expectations because it is different in a sense, however very natural and normal for him to fee.... you may help him with some confusion if he is feeling unsure about himself and these hormonal surges that seem to be on the rise in his growing body. We all need guidance when developing and learning...My best to you :)