Today my 13 year old got on facebook to tell one of her friends "Happy Birthday". She was so disappointed when she realized that this girl had a birthday party and did not invite her. She has been friends on and off with her for almost 5 years now. They never really fight, the friendship just kind of faded out. However, this year they have totally been friends again. She was at our house at least 5 times in the last two weeks and came to my daughters birthday party last month. My daughter helped her three weeks ago to prepare for cheerleading tryouts.She even asked if she could go on our Easter vacation with us last weekend and then she didn't invite my daughter to her party.
I have noticed that my daughter has had a little trouble this year making friends, well not really making friends just finding somewhere she really fits in. She doesn't really seem to belong anywhere and I think it is really starting to bother her and I am not sure what to do. The other girls seem to like her. They run up and talk to her at ball games, etc. She talks on the phone and texts a lot, talks some on facebook. She says nobody is mean to her, but yet when it comes to parties, weekend hangouts, or sleepovers she never gets invited! It is like they just forget about her.
She is a beautiful, sweet, outgoing girl that is nice to EVERYBODY and always tries to not leave anyone out. Shemakes straight A's and is involved in a lot of activities,cheer,volleyball, softball,band,beta club. She was pretty close last year with a different little girl that was not part of the "In Crowd" and maybe that hurt her? This girl and she grew apart because the girl was too boy crazy for my daughters taste. She says this doesn't bother her and until now it didn't seem to but her face when she realized she had been excluded this time broke my heart. I did tell her to just ask this girl why she didn't get invited, but my daughter said she thought it would start drama. How can I help her? What can I say?
I'm getting to the point where FB should be banned for anyone under 30! ARGGH! So sick of the drama it causes among not only my child but everyone else's!
My friend's daughter is 12 and she insists if she asks why it gives the other girls power over her and they make fun of her. If a M. gets involved, it is a major drama. My friend has to try to build up her child without tearing down others. I don't know how she does it. "I love you. No, I hate you." Drives me nuts.
13 is such a hard age! So many social things to navigate.
I will say that it's possible there is a logical reason she wasn't invited. She may have had limited numbers, or perhaps she didn't think your daughter would fit in. For example, my daughter decided not to invite a good friend to her party because she was inviting a bunch of kids who all knew each other and she knew the other girl would not know anyone and might feel out of place since she was from dance class and all her other friends were from school.
Girls seem to flit from "best friends" to enemies in days, even hours. It's also possible that she wasn't feeling particularly close to your daughter when she was making out her party list. Then things changed, but she had already made her invites.
It sounds like your daughter has a good idea with not mentioning it. If she feels like she wants to say something, maybe she could say to her friend "hey, I'd love to do something to celebrate your birthday" and see if the girl would want to go to a movie or out for ice cream. It would be a good way to test the water of their friendship.
There are also girls out there who will "use" girls just because they want someone to hang with. Often they will hang with them if there is no one else, but they fall to the bottom of the list when others are available. It's possible that your daughter has discovered one of those people.
All of these are learning experiences. Be a good shoulder to cry on and a solid rock for your daughter as she navigates these experiences. Good luck!
Let her know that while it's hard to be in that position of not fitting in and not getting invited let her know it's best to be who she is and she sounds as if she's a great girl. Perhaps, just perhaps, because she is secure enough in herself to not be boy crazy, nor be part of the "in crowd" and be confident enough to be herself she will find friends that fit her, it just may take some time. Definitely continue to be there for her and allow her to come to you but please don't get involved and she is smart for not asking the hot question as to why she isn't invited. Who knows? There are too many unforeseen situations that could be the reasoning behind it.
This is very normal for this age. They are all changing all of the time.. they are testing, they are searching. Friends come and go.
The bright, extremely mature girls.. can see through the "games" some of the other girls are playing.. and just do not fit with the others... at this point...
But I promise, she is going to find some friends that she will want to hang out with.
Is there a possibility she was invited, but missed the invite?
If not, just let her know that she is doing the right thing by continuing to try to include everyone she likes.. It will pay off in the end..
Just have her to continue to always be true to who she is in her heart and brain.. and not to judge herself based on anyone else.
Our daughter had friends come and go. Interest changed, classes made it harder sometimes to keep up with the girls not in the same classes or lunches. Different interest took them in different directions and friends also.
In the end she had a few close friends They get together when she comes home from College.. and stay in touch on FB.. . But her real friends are now the ones in college.. They picked the same college, they are all incredibly bright,, they have many of the same priorities..
Your daughter is going to be fine. Just listen to her and assure her this is normal and it will get better.
Let her work through it and have her back. That is all you can really do.
Your daughter is right....only thing I would SUGGEST, is that your daughter distance herself from her "so called" friend and start making better friends.
Blessings...
My daughter had this same problem recently. It wasn't a super close friend but still a friend who's house she goes to and who comes to ours. She saw on facebook pictures of her b-day party. It did bother her a little.
But the conclusion we came to is not to say anything and give that person the satisfaction of her being offended that she wasn't invited.
My daughter's solution she came up with is that she won't invite her when it comes time for her own b-day party, and i am fine with that. Call me immature, but yes i'll allow her to post those b-day pics on Facebook too!
I think I would do things a little differently than most of the advise that you are getting but of course talk to your daughter about this first so she knows what is going on.
The next time the girl is over at the house, call them into the kitchen to make cookies, cupcakes or some other snack that will take a little while to make. Then in the natural flow of the conversation say something to the effect of "Oh Susie and I were looking on Facebook the other day and saw the pictures from your party. It looked like y'all were having a lot of fun." And then see what her response is. This will tell you a lot about the relationship. She may act really embarassed that she didn't invite your daughter but she doesn't care and goes on and on about how much fun they had. Or she may be embarassed that it was a surprise party and whoever was doing the invites did not send one to your daughter. Or she might apologize for not inviting your daughter but tell y'all that she could only invite 5 people so she decided to go with her basketball teammates. Or she may be hurt because they mailed an invitation to your daughter and she is wondering why your daughter didn't show up.
If you keep it light and cheerful by asking her this way, it can open up the lines of communication in case there was a misunderstanding or something beyond her control. However if she did not invite your daughter just to be mean to her and show that she is not really a good friend, y'all have taken the high road by sharing in her happiness of the party and she doesn't get the pleasure of thinking she hurt your feelings. If there was a misunderstanding, then this could be the perfect time to set something up for just the 2 of them to do to celebrate her birthday. If you are baking cookies or cupcakes have some birthday candles on hand, so you can stick a candle in it, sing and have a party right then.
This can also be a learning experience for your daughter on what to post on Facebook. Some people may get their feelings hurt even when that was never your intention. We gave our daughter a surprise 18th birthday party this year. I put one of her good friends in charge of doing the invitations with a limit set between 25-30 people. She goes to one high school but still has a lot of friends at another local high school. Although the friend who did the invitations knows most of her friends at both schools, I am sure there were some friends who did not get invited not out of pettiness but space limitations. After the party my daughter posted on Facebook "Thanks for an unexpected and lovely evening." She also did not post any pictures. That way no one knows exactly who was or was not invited. We hope no one's feelings were hurt because that is the last thing my daughter would ever want to do.
Also remember these are some tough years. Be there for your daughter and remind her that friendships will get easier in the future. She is just at that stage where everyone is trying to figure out who they are and the opinions of others sometimes causes people to make hurtful decisions.
Give her a big hug.
Jessica is so right. I've had my heart broken a ton of times when my kids (15 & 12) find out on FB they've not been invited to a certain party. Heck - I've been there myself!!
However...that's the world we live in, so we've got to learn to deal with it.
I'm with you. Honesty is big at our house. Your daughter will never know if she doesn't ask the party girl. It's a fair question since the girl is at your house very frequently. It's good for your daughter to learn to confront now. It's a skill she will need the rest of your life.
Middle school is so hard. My daughter's friend has a "friend" who won't speak to her at school but wants to be her friend on the weekend. Seems my daughter's friend isn't popular enough for the other girl and it puts a damper on "popular" girl's social life by talking to her at school. Way too complicated for me!
This is a teachable moment. Remind your daughter how great she is...and remind her how important it is to treat others how she wants to be treated. Give her some extra hugs.
I hate to say this but any thing you say she will feel like your supposed to say that.,because your mom. but let her know its good not to fit in all the time. That means she's versatile and can get along with anyone. maybe this girl thought she would steel the attention. seems like she is pretty popular.(your daughter) I agree with you though. She needs to ask this girl where was her invite.
I'm so sorry.. I was your daughter and so was my sister. My sis was even homecoming queen, cheer captain, I was a lead cheerleader, we were both 'popular' and got class favorites, but we NEVER got invited out, never got invited to birthday parties or sleepovers, we didn't have parties either b/c we didn't really know who to invite. We were also very nice, friendly, cute, good kids. I don't know why it happens.
It's very difficult and I feel sorry for your daughter. It sounds like she is good enough friends with this friend to have warranted an invite to her party. Just be strong for her and keep encourage her. Our mother always made us feel bad about our lack of true friends. I would encourage her to distance herself from this girl or to not expect anything from her. She will eventually learn who her true friends are. Unfortunately, their might not be any at this point.
Personally I would feel the same way as your daughter. I probably wouldn't say anything just prevent drama, but at the same time I would secretly hold it against that girl. I would try to forget it, but it probably wouldn't work unless we came to be such good friends that whether I got invited to a party or not didn't matter. If your daughter wants to get past this, she probably does need to talk to the other girl about it, but it doesn't have to be all serious especially if she doesn't want to cause any drama. If she approaches it with a joking, teasing attitude, she can find out her answer without causing any drama. I can understand her hurt feelings, but she is probably in the right to not want to cause any drama. 13 is a pretty dramatic age, and girls can be mean.
Your daughter is right -- she is aware that getting into "Why wasn't I invited" does indeed fuel drama and she is smart to want to keep out of it. It doesn't help her feel less hurt. But did you bring up with her that possibly, for instance, there are circumstances she doesn't know about here? The other girl's parents may have had a limit on the number of kids invited (especially if it was a special-event party like laser tag or some other outing that costs money) and the girl simply may have had to have a guest list of a particular number and not one more. Or the girl may still be feeling out their friendship since they drifted apart for quite a while. If your daughter and this other girl grew apart because the other girl was too boy-crazy, possibly this was a boy-girl party and the girl figured your daughter wouldn't be up for that. Not an excuse for excluding your daughter, but I hope you see what I mean -- there may be many reasons your daughter wasn't invited and they aren't necessarily intentional slights to your girl. You could talk your daughter through the idea that we don't always know all the circumstances, and if this other girl is a good friend and treats her well otherwise, she should focus on that and not take the lack of an invitation as a specific slight to herself.
I agree with you she should ask why she did not get an invite. It will help her understand why and help inprove the areas in her social skills to make her more open to others. The other girl might have wanted to have a boy crazy night and realizes it irritates your daughter and would dampen there fun boy sillyness. Or another girl that she invited might have told her not to invite her too. Girls are mean creatures and will start drama where it is not. I had a friend that had two birthday parties because she knew one group of friends did not get along with the other. She wasnt spoiled and wanting two parties she was wanting too keep the peace and her parents saw that and knew thats where her heart was.
I am soooo sorry to hear this. I actually was that child just like your daughter. It was so hard. I now have my own daughter who is 4 years old and pray everyday that the same thing that I went thru with making friends at that age will not happen.
Luckily, the halfway thru college I finally decided who I was and was going to be and now, I have no issues of being in the in crowd and I do think it is true, you become more beautiful as you age.
I know this does not help at all but I myself was there and there was nothing my mom could do or say. Just be very loving and supportive. It was very hard.
