My 13 Year Old Son Has an Online Girlfriend?

Make sure he has an active life outside of this. A sport, a hobby, and does well in school. As long as those things are in place, I wouldn't worry about it.

You know, I realize we live in a different world now, but in some ways, it's the same. When I was thirteen, I was in love. I don't say "in love" because at 13, it was the real thing for the age. I moved to another state and continued our long distance relationship. Robbie and I were going to stay true to eachother and prove to the parents how much we loved eachother and by the time we reached 16, they would see it and allow us to get married and live happily ever after. We spoke on the phone as much as possible and sent letters and cards constantly, declaring our undying devotion to one another. Well, he found a girlfriend and asked for his promise ring back. I refused, my heart broke, it healed and now it's a bitter sweet memory.

My point is, as long as he's able to function and not allow his personal and school life to suffer, let it ride its course. You can always limit computer time - you are the adult, after all. Everyone's heart gets broken, and I think if the couple are far apart, it's easier to get over.

You may want to structure this relationship a bit more. No more "sleep time" conversations. Put a time limit on his chatting time. Only after homework/chores. Family obligations/ socialization first.

This could workout, or it could not, but if you just leave it without putting a few amendments to it then things can go bad.

With an online relationship he doesn't have to face her, face to face that is, he gets to be someone else, more confident, funny, etc...like we all do when we're anonymous. Even if he's video chatting with her it's not the same as if she's sitting in the classroom with him.

I'd make sure to have a good relationship with him and that he knows if he needs help or feels she needs help he can count on you.

The ONLY thing I would be worried about is if something is happening to her and he decides to try and go to her. I know, it's a long shot but I ran away as a teen so I know how easy it is to get the idea.

Teens will get attached and hurt in "relationships." That's the nature of how they mature. As long as this is not a stranger and their messages are appropriate, I would not worry about it, but I don't believe that someone a teen texts or messages with and never sees in person is a "girlfriend." You don't have to worry about whether it works out, 13 year olds don't marry the person they "date" and your son isn't dating her because they do not see each other in person.

I would, however, limit his screen time regardless of whether she's a girlfriend, or if he just spends a lot of time messaging friends instead of doing other things. If he's doing it instead of sleeping, then phone/laptop need to be turned into mom or dad before bedtime. It really is okay to limit their screen time. I wouldn't allow him to turn down plans with friends to stay home and facetime her.

You mentioned this "relationship" has had some impact on his sleep before. Have you considered taking away his methods of contact. (ie turning over the cell phone/computer, etc.to you at 9 pm)? If he tells you he has a project to work on (a ploy to get online) tell him he is welcome to use the family computer in the living room where he can be monitored, if you are that concerned.

Also, come to him as a loving Mom and say, 'Ya know, you're right, it could work out one day. But until that day, make sure you aren't abandoning friends or other possible relationships. If it is meant to be it will happen" something along those lines. Gives him the sense that you understand but also reminds him to keep his 13-year old options open ;o)

On line relationships between kids who already know each other are fine. They're safe, they're easy for kids, and it's a way to "practice" some (not all) of the skills they would need in a real relationship. So in that sense, it's a good and safe "starter" relationship.

The concern I have is that he's spending too much time doing it, to the exclusion of other things. So is this girl.

It's good that you are looking at the messages - parenting means being involved, and kids have a limited expectation of privacy. They get more as they earn more, but you are absolutely right to be checking on these things. (Same goes for checking cell phones and going through their stuff in their rooms periodically.)

But your son is not socializing, and he's not sleeping. That is NOT healthy. To me, the issue is not that the relationship wouldn't work out over distance - this would be unhealthy if she lived next door. So I would remove all discussion of whether he will reunite or not - it doesn't matter. It's okay if he has that fantasy, and frankly, who knows if it could happen? But, it sounds like she's maybe putting the brakes on some things and either talking to him because she likes him as a friend or (worse for him) because she pities him.

He's going to get hurt if he doesn't branch out and become a whole and complete human being. That means being involved with other kids (including dating them at some point) and other activities, becoming interesting and well-rounded, and getting enough sleep to actually learn something in school.

I'd approach it with him that he's going to drive her away if he is obsessed with her. It's a good lesson for all relationships - each person needs to have breathing room, and girls are not flattered by guys who are in their face all the time (they're either put off by it or alarmed by it because it's possessive and creepy). If she likes him a little, he's going to push her away. If she's getting annoyed or if she's starting to pity him, it's going to go downhill. Tell him he needs to show her, and everyone else, that he's a fun person with lots of interests.

Then set some limits on how many hours he spends on the computer overall and how much time he can spend each day communicating with her or anyone else in a social setting. You can't protect him from hurt - that happens in relationships, and while it's painful to watch, a few broken hearts actually help us grow and be better in future relationships. But you can, and must, intervene in terms of how obsessed he is with this and how much time you allow. The more isolated kids become, the more drastic actions they take when things don't work out.

My daughter did this at the same age. Her boyfriend moved out of state before the relationship had truly begun. They stayed in text/ Skype contact for several months. I think both viewed it as a "safe" relationship. It's a way to practice having a boyfriend or girlfriend without the pressure of a live teenage relationship. And, if they break up, they simply stop contact. No seeing the other person around school or having to answer friends' questions. They will eventually break up and one of them will likely be hurt. It's life and it happens. Believe me, when this relationship ends and he finds a girl closer to home, you will wish for this online girlfriend back.

My daughter continued her active social life during this relationship as did the boy so I never felt it got excessive. Cell phones are charged at night in the kitchen at our house so late night communication wasn't a problem.

It sounds like you might feel more comfortable if you set some boundaries regarding his cell phone use and outside activities. My best suggestion is that you make them general rules and not specific to keeping him from contacting this girl.

Welcome to the teenage years. It's going to be a wild ride!

He should have outside activities, limited time on tech gadgets, chores, hw time away from technology. If you don't catch this early...he will text away during his hw and sleep time.

Do not be afraid to discipline. To discipline means to teach. You can teach him that is healthy to have a "friend" online ---But, hw takes preference.

I taught parenting for yrs...I always told parents that THEY are the parents: No more than 2 hrs on tech a day, hw is done without the computer (unless necessary), the phone goes on the kitchen table at 9 pm on week daysand can be retreived in the am. Otherwise, he will be online with her until the wee hrs of the am. I don't think this is ok.

Good for u for checking the messages !!! He is still young !