What Do You Think? - Mesa,AZ

Why is he having conversations with her? I would be very suspitious. If I tell my husband that his conversations with whomever bothers me he would stop talking to that person. I totally trust my husband not to have inappropriate conversation with anyone. And I would do the same for him (stop talking to them) if something I was doing or saying to someone else bothered him. What is the cheating type????? How do you know he isn't it. The internet is a dangerous thing and I feel chat rooms can ruin good marriages. You are not being hormonal or paranoid.

I would definitely get to the bottom of it. I don't think married people should be having relationships with the opposite sex in person or on the internet.

You need to find out the truth. Ask him...if you still think there is more, email the woman in Indonesia and ask her. Relationships need trust to be healthy and successful. Good luck!

YOU NEED TO EMAIL ME NOW! Seriously! I've been through this and have come out of it by God's grace and you have a situation no matter what he says. I don't mean to alarm you. Please email me personally so I can direct you to some resources.

Hi
When you say he has been honest with you with the whole thing......Who are you both kidding......he is having a chatty/photo affair and you are okay with that. How would he feel if you did the same? You need to do some checking and then you can relax if there is no reason to be worried. ?Have you gone to his computer and checked under sent messages as to the content of their chats? to see what this relationship is all about. Who is she? Did he know her before ? and why would he need a long distance relationship with a strange female? Is it because you are pregnant and he is not getting enough attention? How did he find her? I feel he is wrong and being dis respectful to you and your family. This sounds VERY odd. You can take the computer out or have a computer geek come in to your home to copy the hard drive and get you ALL the sent and received information.I know this sounds like spying, but you need to LISTEN to your gut and womens intuition, it really does NOT sound right.I would be pisssed if this were my husband. AR

Yes, you should be worried. I'm pretty sure there are A LOT of more productive things your husband could be doing with his time. I'm sure you felt sick and had a knot in your stomach when you found that camera, and you shouldn't have to feel that way. I've been there, and it's a horrible feeling- something you should not have to endure, ESPECIALLY while you're pregnant. I think you should suggest counseling right away, go to someone who can help your husband find out why he has the need to be talking to this woman. Don't turn a blind eye just because she's far away. If you tell your husband that this relationship is bothering you...he should stop it IMMEDIATELY out of respect for you and your family. Do not settle for anything less.

It's good that he his being honest with you, but he needs to be honest with himself. If this is really a passing relationship, then he should let it pass. If it is more than that, he should REALLY let it pass. His family (you and your children) should be getting the time and attention he is spending on her.

My husband and I both think that is not only risky behavior on your husband's part but is also emotionally being unfaithful to you. He is rationalizing it by 'being honest with you'.

I'm sorry A., but I think you are delusional. Sounds like your hubby has to much time on his hands. Don't get involved in his internet affair.(sorry, whatever it is you call it)...then that just makes it ok for him to take it to the next step. Give me a break, you deserve all the attention, especially now that you are expecting. Camera or no camera, how do you justify that this is ok? Look sweetie, this is not ok. You sound smarter than that.
From, someone who cares.

Your husbands friendship with anyone internet or not should not come before the well being of your marriage. I think it definitely something that needs to be addressed. I would not necessarily come from a place of mistrust, more of a place of hey we have limited time before it is no longer the two of us alone in this marriage let's not waste our precious time on other people. I would definitely take a look at how much attention you are focusing in on him. Not only now, but after the baby is born. Our husbands need to know that no matter what is going on they come first in our lives. Before you talk to him about this I would make sure that your behavior is that of putting your husband and your marriage first. Men get very lost in the wedding and then having baby process because all of the attention is on the Bride/Mommy to be. It can be a little overwhelming and isolating for them, so they reach for friendship in inappropriate places. Indonesia is safe, so nothing concrete can come of it. Just make sure you are meeting the needs of his heart.

Why is he talking to another woman in Indonesia? I would be bothered as well. There is not need for him to be doing this? You need to sit him down when there are no child distractions and ask all of the questions that you need to find the answers to. If he is evasive, then you have a problem. If he says it is social, then tell him you are uncomfortable with that relationship. Even if they are not geographically close, he is still spending time talking to her and investing time in a relationship with her,which he should be spending with you and your family.

Hi A.,

I read your concern, then I had my husband read it, to get his opinion. We both think that your husband is having a personal relationship online. And that is not very cool. Have you told him that it bothers or concerns you? Cuz if he is the man you say he is, then he will discontinue the relationship. Good luck with this!!

D.

seems like a red flag to me - where there's smoke, there's fire. i'd keep a journal to timeline these events just in case you need them. The number of prior relationships and partners is irrelevant.

A.,
I will be brief and to the point. I don't think you need to blow-up at your husband over this. However, this is innapropriate behavior in a marriage. Would it be ok for him to be talking to a woman he met in the U.S. on the phone. Absolutely not. There is no difference just because the locations and means of communication are different. Things that seem to start out with clean intentions can quickly go awry even for the man who is thought least likely to cheat. Cheating is not always physical. It can be emotional as well. Discuss with your husband how this makes you feel and find out what kind of needs he is fulfilling in communicating with this woman and find a way to meet them within your marriage. Best wishes and prayers.

It sounds like his emotional attachment is changing, and not in your favor. I wonder, even if he never had any intention of leaving his family and you, if the time and energy he puts into this relationship, takes away from the health of your family. We live in a social/economic environment that is not supportive of family and parenting ...we have to do the work to make our relationships strong ourselves...with devotion...as the support structures of the past (culture/extended family/stable community, etc) are not there or eroding.

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I have been through it myself, and so I know how it feels to worry, wonder, etc. Mine turned out to be true - he was talking romantically to other women online.

I figured out his password and viola - proof that I confronted him with, so he finally had to confess. There's nothing wrong with looking for the truth when you feel he's not giving it to you. Despite a having just a few relationships, he may just feel "safer" with a long-distance one, and might even feel like it's not really cheating since it's online.

There are some ways to know for sure what he's doing on the computer. You can contact a local computer tech and ask them to install tracking info, or you can do it yourself:

http://www.awarenesstech.com/Monitoring-Software/Relation...

http://www.cheatingspousepi.com/online_infidelity/index.p...

Best,
C.

Yikes! I'm sorry you are having these concerns about your husband. Did he say why he was talking to the woman in Indonesia? Maybe you should talk to him about what he is looking for from her or what made him start 'chatting' with her in the first place? He may not be physically having an affair, but emotionally and mentally he has chosen to step outside your marriage. You can always check his sent items on his email to see what he has sent her if you want to get nosey... I think you have every right to be concerned, especially with a baby on the way!

Good luck!!!

I think you are right to be concerned. Cheating doesn't mean just sex... the worst kind of cheating is emotional. Instead of cultivating a relationship with a stranger on-line, he should be cultivating one with you and your unborn baby. Best of luck! :0)

Hi A.,
Type a letter to her and tell her you are his wife.
Send your wedding photo to her.

or

Ask him too do it with you.
If he resist well then you have concern.

It is selfish and wrong for him to make friends
on the internet and not include you too.
Whether male or female.

C.

It is not appropriate for our husbands to be talking to other women online or elsewhere! Shame on him, especially with another child on the way! I know you do not need the stress right now, but you must confront him again!

Yes you're hormonal but that has nothing to do with questioning your husband and don't let hime tell you that either. Maybe he needs to be more honest with you. Really, what is the purpose of him even talking to this woman? And photos, what for. What was he searching for to have come across her. Even more so, why when you are expecting his child?
He needs to go out with his buddies (guys) and not be on line with another woman.
What if it was the other way around? Would he feel differently if you were chattig with another man?
How difficult this must be and even more so as you are expecting a little one and have another kiddo too. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Your husband needs to think more about what good reason he has in doing this and hurting his family in the process. There's absolutely no reason (in my mind any way) that he should even be on line with another woman. I would never think to do that to my husband. We have mutual friends both male and female but don't cross the line. It's disrespectful to the relationship.

A.,
I know where you are coming from. My husband used to have a female friend that he met once thru work (she is from out of state) and they continued talking. I know that he did not cheat on me physically, but I felt as though it was emotional cheating. At the time I was pregnant as well. We had many heart to hearts about it and I made him understand how upset I was. If the rolls were reversed, he would have freaked out. I explained to him that if he had anyone to talk to it should be me. It turned out that he was going thru a hard time because he really doesn't have any good friends. He has people we hang out with from time to time, but no one that he can go to for advice about work, our relationship etc.

Since you only moved here a year ago, maybe your husband is just looking for another outlet. Explain to him that this is not acceptable to you and if he loves you and respects you, he will stop talking to this person. I hope this helps. My marriage is stronger than ever now and my husband and I are both very happy.
S.

Your husband is in denial if believes that this is not an affair- this is an emaotional affair ever if he never meets the other person face-to-face. Internet affairs usually progress to phone calls and then a face-to-face meeting.

Unfortunately I went through the same thing with my husband before my first child was born. Luckily for us, after a lot of nagging on my part, he came to see the light after I asked him how he would feel about it if I found someone on the internet to "chat" with. We have had our ups and downs over the past 12 years of marriage, but we now have baby number 3 and our marriage is stronger now than it has ever been.

Best of luck with your husband and little one.

If its making you feel uncomfortable, then you should ask him to stop.

I think your husband is wrong to open a door to a relationship like that even if it isn't or won't be anything. Being married means setting very firm boundaries between you and other people of the opposite sex. He's not being fair to you and you have a right to be upset.

A., I went thru a divorce because of this exact thing. My husband (now ex) was in chat rooms, texting women who were local and could not give it up. As you said, he was not the 'cheating type' nor did he have many relationships. None of it was sexual and he did not meet any of them, however, I considered it cheating. When I found out and confronted him, he said he was doing it for the "attention". I have a very long story about this, but basically, after I caught him, he still would not stop so I kicked him out and 6 months later was divorced. I did not want to wonder the rest of my life who he was texting when he was in the bathroom or at work or after I went to bed. And I wanted to be married to a man who was my partner, not a boy that I would have to monitor on the computer or take away his cell phone. It was time away from me and the kids and the household responsiblities and it was dishonest and not appropriate. Mostly, it opened the door for other behaviors, like physically cheating. Don't justify that it's ok because he's telling you about it and showing you the emails. There is NO REASON he needs to be talking to this woman. And what was he doing that he even found her to start this anyway? Put a stop to this immediately before you regret it. Contact me directly if you need to:
____@____.com or office number is ###-###-####. Good luck with this!

What does your heart tell you? Go with that! My husband started off that way and I am a single Mom now and he doesn't help out finacialy at all with the kids. I do not understand how anyone could walk away from what we had. If you need a shoulder I am her.
R.

I asked my husband (who has had few relaionships/partners himself so that is no excuse). His response was "I don't know...sounds like somethin' fishy is going on."
I say don't ignore the situation. You are not hormonal. These are normal feelings and anyone would feel strangely about this. What a pregnant woman / mother needs is to feel safe and secure. His actions do not encourage those feelings. Your needs and emotions are very important right now as baby feels it too. You need to talk to him and find out if he feels the need to talk to someone or if something is missing. This may be a great time to nip it in the bud and have a little couples counseling. Get to counseling and do some separate sessions too!

Internet relationships are a serious problem for any relationship. They can be kept secret for a very long time and can destroy a marriage. I suggest a counselor that specializes in internet addiction (yes, they are out there). Whether he is doing something with this person or not it's wrong. How would he feel if you were doing the same thing? Does he "sneak" around to get on the computer? Like when you are asleep or away from home? If you are uncomfortable with him talking to this woman than you need to tell him how you feel. Put a stop to it now before it really gets out of control.

Trust your instinct. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Not knowing is sometimes worse that having to deal with what is going on. So ask him about it again, and again. Let him know that the "friendship" is something that you're taking seriously since he is a partner in your relationship. Basically, don't let him off the hook and don't let him treat your concern flippantly or lightly.

Honestly of course he wouldnt be cheating being that she is a million miles away. But sometimes mental cheating is just as bad as the real thing? what is his motive for talking to this other woman? is he real secretive? or does he talk open about it? well i would just talk to him and see what he says and see if he jumps on the defense. If he gets upset when you ask their is probly something going on... I feel for you and i hope this helps...Much luck.. S.