My 14 Year Old Daughter - Keller,TX

Just tell her he's using her without expecting her to agree.

Then get her involved in something else. This girl needs to get a life outside of boys.

B, below, said it better. She is completely correct. All the moms below, for that matter. Right on, moms.

Unfortunately, you can't! Many of us might remember being in those shoes and feeling like no grown-up could ever understand the way we feel. And to some extent, she's right. As we grow older, we see everything in "hindsight" but are unable to really connect to those feelings. The harder you push, the harder she'll push back. My advice is to keep an open line of communication. Let her tell you all of her issues with him, and just listen. Don't degrade the boy or forbid her to see him. If she's in love, nothing will stop her from going through this "experience". You can certainly try to limit their contact, but again, I do NOT advise forbidding contact. That is such a tender age, and the tendency toward rebellion is so strong. Hopefully they'll break up soon enough and she'll move on. Just hang in there!

C., I hear you, I really do. I was a junior high teacher for over 10 years and this is more common than you might hope. All I can do is tell you what I know:

I know that forbidding her to see him is counter productive. Think of it this way, if I said to you "don't think of a pink elephant" what do you do? You think of a pink elephant right? Tell her what you want, not what you don't want. Redirect her actions, her activities, her thoughts. Start reading a book together, join a class together, take up a new hobby. Ask for her help around the house FUN stuff only, don't let her think it's any sort of punishment. Maybe start learning some new recipes TOGETHER. Redirect her time.

I know that she loves him, she does or she wouldn't say so. And whether or not you believe her is not the bottom line, it is the fact that SHE believes it. Let her love him. This is a great opportunity for you to teach her what real love is all about. Tell her wonderful stories of you and your love/s or ones in your family. Give her examples of how it "feels so right" and "makes you so happy". Guide her to have the relationships you know you want for her and not to settle for "what might be".

I know that you know exactly what she is going through, but that was 20 years or so ago, of course you don't know what she is feeling... "so she says". And she is right. You can look back on your experiences with the wisdom of your current age, she doesn't have that yet. You will never convince her that you do know or understand just by using words, you will have to share with her your experiences. And not in the "ewww gross Mom" way, just the casual "oh I remember when" way.

I know that when you let her grow and be her own woman, she will make the right decisions, but you have to be willing to let her make mistakes. Imagine if she did not have this experience now at age 14 and she had it when she was 25 and ready to marry. Then what? What could you do then? Let her live.

C., help her grow through this. Please stand beside her and reach out a hand to help her along. I know for a fact that it is easier to reach out your hand and guide someone than to push them from behind or worse yet, pull them along from in front.

B.
Family Success Coach

Have you ever read the book, "Queen Bees and Wannabees"? The author talks about things like that. I think she even calls your daughter's tactics the "fruit cup girl" -- about how girls get the attention of boys by appearing helpless, etc. It often starts out innocent (I need help opening this fruit cup container.) but gets more serious if the girl starts drinking, taking drugs, etc.

Perhaps you should show it to your daughter.

You can't. You can't prevent her from seeing him. Forbidding her will only force her to find ways around you...and she will. Make no mistake. I was that kid, too.

She needs a BIG self esteem boost, and that IS something you can help her with. Try doing more one on one things with her. I know she's 14 and that will be hard, but find a way. Are there other, old kids that she's around? Other good-teen relationship examples that you can show her? This one is hard and there is no easy fix. But the one thing that I can say for sure, is that the more you tell her NOT to do it, the worse it will get for both of you.

First, I wouldn't try to convince her the boy is bad for her. She has to reach that conclusion on her own. You could try being friendly to the guy, have him meet the family, meet his family, start talking about wedding plans, how will he support your daughter, etc - then watch him run for the hills.
Second, your 14 yr old has too much free time on her hands. Run her ragged. Get her involved in activities which will have her meeting lots of people. Sports, Girl Scouts, dancing, gymnastics, swimming, skating, bowling, taekwondo, - get creative. If she finds something that's fun, she won't be thinking about this guy all the time. She'll be too tired.

I seem to remember that at 14 I thought my mom was wrong no matter what. So arguing with your daughter won't help because she'll just cling to Mr. Wrong harder.

What does she do in her spare time? Is she involved in any extra-curricular activities? If not, what can you get her involved in? A church youth group, a dance class, a music lesson, choir, a sports team, a knitting class, painting, Teen Court, other volunteer opportunities, etc. The busier she is with something she enjoys, and the less time she has to answer Mr. 17's beck and call, the more likely she'll back off. Maybe she'll have the chance to see other people who are emotionally healthier.

Have you considered sending her away for camp for a bit this summer? A change of scenery, new friends and no phone may do wonders for this relationship.

Good luck.

Dear C.:

I also have a 14-year-old daughter. I've found sometimes that because I say no makes my daughter want something even more. You've reached the point your daughter has completely tuned you out about this boy. She isn't hearing a word you say.

You've told her she can't see him. Don't discuss it with her anymore, until she comes to you. What you can you do to make it difficult for her to see him? Are there extracurricular activities far away from him? Getting her involved with other activities with boys and girls her own age will not only fill her time, but create a bigger set of friends her own age.

I hope your daughter figures out this boy is using her sooner rather than later. It breaks my heart to see older boys use the young, impressionable young girls.

L. F., mom of a 14-year-old daugther

I have been where you are now. At 14 my daughter began seeing a 17 yr old...as friends she said. I didn't allow dating yet but going out in a group I thought was ok. Well she began to be sexually active and drinking...I was clueless but I did notice alot of emotional ups and downs. I believed her when she denied things and she would get upset and say I didn't trust her. When I would try to reach her of course she would say I just don't understand. I tried to forbid certain friends but she used the cliche about not judging people by their clothes, families, etc. Within 2 years she was out of control. I tried everything everyone has recommended here, hoping to get through this stage. Her father has no patience and they would fight all the time. I blamed him for making things worse. I was wrong. At 17 we discovered she was cutting herself. We immeadiately took her to a psychiatrist. She was diagnosed with depression and obsessive compulsive disorder. The following year was the best year ever. We had our daughter back! She and her father became friends. I wish we had gone to get help sooner. The cutting is not just for attention. It releases their anxiety and causes a feeling they become addicted to. Do not trust that your daughter can control this...she can hide it though. Alcohol played a major roll in her problem. We had no alcohol here but teens can get anything they want somewhere. You are at war now....fighting for your daughter. I told my daughter as we drove home from the first councelling appointment, that I loved her and I was not ever going to give up. She was still being angry at this point but months later, my sweetest moment was when she thanked me for fighting for her. I pray strength for you and hope for you both.

Oh boy C.,

I hope someone has advice for you, but I don't think there is anything you can do. I was your daughter and the more my parents forbid me to see him, the better I got at lying and seeing him all the more. I also thought I was in love and nothing anyone said to me made a difference. I'm 56 now but I can remember exactly how I felt back then. And no matter how bad he treats her, he will give her enough sugar to keep her hanging on.

My heart goes out to you, but there is nothing I can think of that would convince her not to see him anymore. I'll be watching to see what other mothers think.

((hugs))

This is one that you can't win as others have said. She's 14 and discovering all these new feelings and trying to find her new "adult" identity in life. You can go along with the relationship and invite the guy to be part of the family. Don't nag her to give him up (as that will surely backfire in your face with possible long term consequences 'child' that you don't want). This is the beginning of your role as women (still do mom/daughter nice things). What you two do together now will forge a lifetime relationship good/bad. Think a lot before you speak and carry a light stick. Stay in the background but be there for her. This too shall pass. Keep us posted. The other S.

I don't remember how old was but at some point in my churches youth group we did an exercise where we made a list of personality traits that we wanted in a mate... if you are single you can do this together... if you are married you can talk about the things you looked for in your spouse. have her be very specific about these qualities and how they are in keeping with the boy that she is "in love" with, and encourage her to discover ways where he doesn't match up to those traits. have her talk to people she respects that have good relationships, and about the qualities they feel are important. Ask her to observe how he treats his own Mom, and does she want him to treat her that way, most men will treat their wives the same way they treat their Moms. then have her determine if the "boyfriend" meets her standards. I agree with others who say not to forbid her from seeing him, as it will only make her lie and go behind your back. but work into conversations examples of how someone treated you disrespectfully and how you stood up for yourself and broke away from that situation (which is what you want her to do) I also agree with the suggestion of filling her time with other activities, so that she is busy and can't spend time with him. encourage her to spend time with people who are positive roll models. keep the lines of communication open, listen lots! help her make wise decisions, without making them for her, it's hard but if she makes the decisions she will more likely stick with them rather than going against your decisions.

on a side note, the cutting is serious stuff, if she is willing to "cut" for attention now she will do something more drastic to get attention from someone later. For that behavior alone I would highly recommend counseling!!! don't take that situation lightly, it is flirting with disaster!

prayers to you and your daughter

I don't know where you and your daughter stand in terms of religion, but if you have the notion, there are ways/times to weave that into relationship discussions.
The "love" chapter 1 Corinthians 13 - write her a note about how meaningful this was to you and you wanted to share it with her. They use it at every wedding and is a great test of "what love is" whetever is appropriate for your relationship.
or even Ephesians 5:25where it talks about how our husband's love should mirror that of Christ's love for the church and a man should treat his wife as he does himself with the same regard.
Finally, I love the verses on the virtuous woman Prov. 31 - it shows strength and character and what we hope for our daughters (and I hope for my future daughters in law:)
It is a tough time, but I know as I was going through tough times as a teen, my mom encouraged me with these and it helped imensely to recognize God's plan for me was bigger than any boy.
Allow, encourage her to do a little side-by-side comparisson. She may be startled to see the truth.

I agree that there might be very little you can do... At her age she really needs a lot of support for her identity and her sense of self-worth. If he is depressed and comes back to her, she probably feels that he "needs" her, and that can be an intoxicating feeling. She probably needs you to focus less on the specific boy and more on her other needs, like her self-esteem, her sense of identity, her interests, her healthy friendships, etc. I was the boring teenager living in the library, but my older sister was starting unhealthy relationships at this age, and looking back she knows she made lots of mistakes, but it was pretty hellish for a long time (not that your daughter is necessarily going to have problems). What are her interests? I have not read the Twilight books but have heard co-workers mention that they enjoy them but are afraid that they are selling a very unnatural image of relationships to young girls that is very extreme. (Not sure if she reads books like this or not.) Don't dismiss her feelings, but if she is currently open with you, try just listening. Let her talk about how she feels, ask her what the relationship does for her, etc. If your communication is open, you can talk to her about healthy relationships, etc. Make sure she knows what kind of relationship rights she has (but not in those words necessarily) so she can and will come to you if she has a problem, makes a mistake, or is concerned or afraid. If he devastates her and she is crying, be the mom who listens and comforts, not the one who rubs salt on the wound. It is so hard having no control over her actions, but trying to keep her open with you might keep her from going to the extreme to see him. If they are in an "on" stage of the relationship, you could always say you would like to give her the benefit of the doubt--have him over for dinner, see how he treats her around family. A lot of normal adult men dated around and might have been depressed and bad at relationships when they were younger. I'm sorry you're going through this. Hang in there and just be there for her. :(

C.,

Bless you heart, I feel for you. What I remind my girls of, is that they probably have not even met the person they will one day marry. That they "must have" someone who shows them respect, loves them unconditionally, basically treats them like a princess of the King, like they are.

I would be mindful of the television shows and movies that she watches. So many of them today reinforce that you need to have a boyfriend/girlfriend to be a somebody.

I don't know where you stand in your spiritual walk, but I would suggest "Passport to Purity" by Dennis & Barbara Rainey from Family Life Today, www.familylife.com/passport It is suggested you go through this with your kids as young as 10-12 because they are exposed to so much at such a young age. But I went through it with my girls when they were 15 & 13. If you just read the material yourself, you will learn some things that you can teach her. But for her to hear lessons from someone other than her mom or dad, may be helpful. They have some visual activities that really make their point on purity.

Maybe you could get her focus onto something else, some outside activity. My 14 year old loves doing volunteer work around horses. She is involved with therapy riding, for kids with learning disabilities.

I hope you will be able to get some encouragement from what I have said. I am not good at getting what I want to say into words. Just know that you are her biggest advocate. Don't get discouraged. Even if she acts like she isn't listening she is, or doesn't want to be with you, she does.

Blessings,
P.

If she is in love with this boy I recommend finding a time that you and your family could invite him over for a family dinner. Get to know him in your home instead of them going somewhere else or just at school. The more your daughter is around him with you the better as you get to know him and she might get to know him in a different way as he spends time with the family at dinner, a BBQ in the back yard, playing cards together as a family, taking a walk in the neighborhood with the family, etc.

I like to get to know the boys that my daughters have relationships with if I like the boys are not. The best way to get to know them is to have them in your home regularly. Just an idea! I hope the best for your daughter!

this sounds like me at that age. Sadly to say, I got hurt like that and had very little confidence in boys, then men, until my late 20's. I didnt trust anyone and after this "first love" broke my heart, I learned a valuable lesson. I gained confidence and self respect. Then, I figured all other boys were just like him, so I treated them like I was always aware that I was not going to get tied down until I completed college. So I didnt take relationshipe seriously....and that I got from my parents, who talked to me about my future and what was best....Honestly, it was my dad who realized my heart had been broken and saw me devastated...He just held me and let me cry all night, and said I would get through this.

Your daughter needs a distraction and to keep herself busy with other positive influences. Basically, she needs to focus on doing things with girlfriends. Maybe you can get her involved in a sports or dance activity (may cost you a little bit), but she needs to find something that brings her joy. She needs to involve herself with a group of peers that she can rely on. Believe me, I regret the time I wasted on A boy when I so could have enjoyed socializing with Many boyfriends. (on a more casual basis). Please talk to your daughter about how she feels and let her know that you are there for her. Spend sometime together; set time aside at least every 2 weeks for just u and her. Go to a movie, shopping, get mani and pedi, maybe with another one of your friends that has a daughter her age and plan a double.
Good luck! Hope it gets better for her Quick!

My daughter started cutting when she was 17. Her father was very sick and died. For my daughter it started as an experiment, and quickly became addictive. There is a release of all of the pain you are feeling through that cut. And in her case, she kept needing to release the pain. She cut in 3's, it became obsessive for her. Please take your daughter for counseling. She needs to talk about these feelings in a healthy way. Hopefully I am wrong, and there is nothing wrong, but you don't want to find out the hard way. Forbidding the relationship won't make it go away, remember being 14. Whatever mom didn't want you to do, you wanted it even more.
Good luck to you and your daughter. Cutting and suicide threats should be taken very seriously!
R.

I would take her to counseling first of all. Second, I would watch the movie She's Too Young. I think that's the title. I haven't seen it all which is why I suggest YOU watching it first and if you find it appropriate, have her watch it. It's about this well behaved teen who starts hanging out with a group and before you know it they are very sexually active and they talk about STDs and all. Sadly I remember how I thought I knew everything back then too. It's a vicious cycle. :(

I've already told my sons they are not allowed to date until they are 16. My mom also had a 2 year rule for me that the guys couldn't be more than 2 years older than me...until I turned 18 and again, thought I knew everything. While I wasn't a perfect kid, I do feel like her rules allowed me to get into LESS trouble than I would have had I been dating at 14. Also, you have to know her friends. We can only teach them so much but it is up to them the decisions they are going to make and I can tell you, friends help or hinder that. I knew girls who kept interesting company and they all had bets to see who could lose their virginity first and many did by 14. My BF and I had a bet to see who could keep ours the longest...a much healthier "peer pressure bet" in my opinion.

Also, keep reminding her that if you have to beg for the attention or do negative things to get it, it isn't worth having. The guys worth her attention are those who are going to treat her with respect and want to know her because of the person she is.

I wish you the best. Honestly, I am afraid for my kids to become teens and I have all boys. All I can do is keep teaching them morals/values, how to treat ladies, and the chivalrous ways of old. When they get married, I am hoping they remember to ask the parents for permission. :)

Please know that I'm not an expert, but I've done a lot of reading about this subject as I have a daughter and young nieces.

I'm going to assume that a father figure is not in the picture? You make no mention of it. Everything I've read about keeping girls from being promiscuous talks about how important a good male role model is. If you aren't married (or her "father" is not very present in her life), it might be worth trying to find a brother/uncle/close male friend/someone from church who you respect and think could offer her a better picture of what a man is supposed to be in a woman's life. The key is that he has to be consistent in both his words and his actions. As much as we women want to do it all and be there for our girls, this is a huge piece that unfortunately is lacking in a lot of families.

Another thing that's important is that although she is getting older and more independent, don't stop hugging her, giving her words of affirmation, and telling her you love her. She may be feeling a shift from receiving love in certain ways from her parent(s) and unfortunately is looking for it in this relationship.

She also needs a core set of girlfriends who can serve as role models and examples for her. This is tough to foster as you can't make friends for her.

If the three elements I mentioned are there, I think you will see a shift in this behavior. Best of luck. I really hope that it's not too late and you're able to help her continue to be a kid for a few more years.

I remember being that age and falling for all the wrong guys. Then a year or so ago a movie came out called He's just not that into you and I wondered if I had seen that way back when if it would have been an easier ride. This is of course much lighter advice than most of what you have received, but i suppose there is some slight chance she would get the idea. One way or the other hang in there mom. My mom and i survived and you and your daughter will too.

Are you sure she is saying it for attention? I would get this kid in counseling. At the least her self esteem needs a huge boost. Good luck.