My 17 Year Old Daughter Thinks She Likes Girls

I completely agree with Alicia. And I am not a lesbian either. She summed up what I was going to say perfectly.

not really sure what you mean by "she was not raised this way". i mean, children who's parents are homosexuals aren't "raised gay". why are you attracted to men? because you just are! being with a man makes you happy and fulfilled, on both the emotional and physical level. your stepdaughter is obviously fulfilled in the same way when she is in a relationship with a woman.
it also bothers me that you say "i know we are supposed to love her unconditionally". "supposed to"??? you either DO or you DON'T. and no matter how many times you tell her that you DO, if you DON'T, she will know. if you DO love her unconditionally, then you will want her to be happy. if being in a sexual relationship with a woman makes her happy, then nothing is going to change that feeling inside her. you will either accept that or you won't. but i pretty much guarantee that as long as you don't accept it and love her regardless, she won't want to have a relationship with you.
i'm sorry if this was very blunt, but it's a subject i feel strongly about. (and no, i'm not a lesbian)

Dear J.,
Don't reject her, but don't embrace the lifestyle. My heart goes out to you because I have talked to parents who have been in your shoes. I do know you can't fix how she is feeling right now, but I am a true believer GOD can. My recommendation to you is to call this non-profit organization called "Shadow of His Wings Ministry." They will be starting a support group for parents as well as man & woman with SSA (same sex attraction). Their phone number is ###-###-####. You can talk to a gentleman by the name of Lee. He could possibly give you some guidance over the phone. Both him and his wife have been there (SSA)and they are walking in freedom now. Give it a chance and in the meantime, love her and seek some wise counsel on how to handle walking through this process. The gracious hand of God is upon you and your family! Blessings! p.s. I just noticed you dont live in San Antonio, but call him anyway and he may be able to find someone in your area. Plus, he will spend time over the phone with you.

Hi J.,

I think people should put their personal opinions aside about homosexuality and try to help you deal with your question instead of judging your wording. I'm sure you meant no disrespect. Ok, to your question, I'm sorry that your step daughter is making choices that you don't agree with or thought you taught her were wrong, but they are her choices to make. All you can do as a parent is love her even if you disagree with her choices. It's really no different than founding out that your child did something else that you believe to be seriously wrong. Would you be happy or would you change your belief; probably not, but you WOULD still love them. However, what you can do is set boundaries for yourself with the type of behavior you are comfortable being around. If actually seeing this behavior makes you uncomfortable, then it's ok to tell her so and be very upfront about the boundaries you've set for yourself. She may not like them, but you have a right to decide what works in your life just as much as she does. Good luck.

Wow, I am really sorry that you are in this situation, that is a curve ball in life to say the least! When you say that she wasn't raise this way, are you saying you guys raised her to know and have a relationship with God or that you raised her to like boys or both? There are so many factors and influences that could have contributed to her feelings. I really don't know what kind of home you guys have or what has happened in her life so to give you advice is like shooting in the dark. The best thing I can say is if you have a relationship with God get with Him on this. Take authority over this situations and claim her life and future for Jesus in prayer. Find scripture that you can claim and believe for her and pray it over her everyday. If you don't know God yourself, now is a time to get to know Him. Find a church, call a pastor you trust. You need help with this, going it alone is not a good idea. I know you may feel angry and hurt but those feelings are not going to be helpful to your step daughter right now. The best thing you can do for this moment is to say nothing and continue to love her just as if she didn't tell you anything at all. Just take a breath, relax, pray and think. Get some wisdom from God to find out what the root cause of all this is and He will give you so much love wisdom to say just the right thing at just the right time. Judgment just won't work, so hang in there, pray, and get some Godly counsel. I wish you and your family all the best!

I know that this was a hard thing to hear but just let her know that you love her and you are here for her. Plus this is the "IT" thing to be right now. It seems like everyone in high school are leaning toward the gay, lesbian faze. My sister is in high school and most of her friends are gay and she said at school alot more are. So she might just be confused and might even change her mind later on. Just be there for her. Good Luck!!

Hi J.-

I have two very good friends from college who are gay (one female and one male). Each of them "came out" to their families while in college..it was the most emotionally difficult thing I've ever seen someone go through. The fact that your step daughter felt safe and secure enough to tell you about this says ALOT about the type of relationship you have with her. First and foremost continue to love her and treat her as you always have.

As far as how to handle this, I'm guessing from your post that you don't have much, if any, experience being around openly gay individuals. Your fear and anxiety is based on your stereotypes and not reality. Be honest with her about your fears but try to be open to meeting her friends and possibly finding a support group for parents in your area. Once you gain some knowledge and exposure to this your fears will subside as you realize that they are just people trying to have loving, fulfilling relationships just like everyone else.

Good Luck,
K.

J.,
I understand your position. Just remember that a person's sexual peference is only a tiny portion of their entire person. Also, remember that she is just 17 and is very young. She may or may not change her mind later, but it's not your job to decide for her - she must find her own way.

Now, I know what the Bible says about gay and lesbian relationships. I also know what he says about salvation - so being a gay or a lesbian isn't completely a deal breaker - yet...

That being said, I have several friends and aquaintances that are gay or lesbian couples. They are great teachers, excellent parents, and drama-free neighbors.

There are also some geniunely mixed up kids who are struggling in their own culture. Being gay or lesbian is not an easy world to live in, especially when you are seeking a long-term relationship - so she still needs love and support from her family.
You don't have to support her lifestyle, just her! Love her just as you always have. I think the suggestion of a support group for parents of gay and lesbian children is a great idea!

My personal thought on this is that people do not choose this kind of lifestyle. No one would pick something that is unfortunately so socially unacceptable. How you raised her has nothing to do with this. But Gay people just like everyone else need there families. For them to feel comfortable around you guys says something about you all. You will have to love her more than you ever have. Life will not be easy for her. If she has your support and love she will be just fine. Besides sexuality is just one part of a person's makeup. It really does not dictate who we are. I had many gay and lesbian friends in college and still even today. They tell me this is not a choice it is just something they always felt and knew. They are just like you and I and to be able to personally see how the families rallied around them with love and support taught me a lot! Good luck and things will be just fine!!!

I have to ask the question if you all are Christians are not first. If so, there is an important way you can approach it.

B.

Several woman have already given great advice. Finding a support group might actually help you come to terms with this and better communicate with your step daughter. I think its great that she's comfortable enough with you to talk to you openly and honestly, as I'm sure she knows your beliefs.

Take care!

Alicia J took the words right out of my mouth. The wording in your post spoke volumes about the way you feel. Hopefully it won't be conveyed to your kid that way. We raise our children to be good human beings. To be respectful of themselves and others. Whether they like girls or boys is really out of your hands. What is in your hands is the delicate psyche of a child. Treat it gently. We are not defined by our sexual preferences. It is only a small piece of who we are in this world.

Love your kid. You don't have to march in the next Pride parade. Just stand next to her in life. She'll need it and she deserves it.

I completely agree with Amanda!!

This definitely has nothing to do with how she was raised.

Since she is just 17, you may not want to put too much weight to her feelings at this point. Especially since how you explained it is "she thinks" she likes girls. So she may not be sure herself, BUT she may be letting you know to see how you would react if she figures it all out and finds out that she really is gay. This is a great opportunity to let her know that nothing she does is going to change how you and her father feel about her. You are still her parents and you will love and support her no matter what. That is what she needs to hear so that she can relax and not be fearful of "what if I'm gay". This may turn out to be something she feels now but then decides later she is attracted to men. I'm not saying being gay is a choice, I don't believe it is, but hormones and growing up can be confusing and sometimes you are just attracted to who you are attracted to end of story.

So just take things one step at a time and love and support her, that's all you can do!

Wow...so this is quite the topic...lots of very interesting advice...I guess what I thinkyou should ask yourself is this. Does this relevation change in any way who your step daughter ultimately is to you? Does it change her personality? Does it change how she interacts with others in every day life? Does it change how she makes decisions? Does it change how she loves you and your spouse? If you find that the answers to these questions are no, then I guess I would ask myself why should it change how I love her? We raise our children with our beliefs. We teach them right and wrong. At some point they become responsible for making those decisions on their own. We have to choose to support them regardless of how we feel about the choices they make for their own lives. If you choose not to love and support your child (step or not) through this choice in her life, then you may be choosing to loose contact with her. This could cause a very hard to repair rift and mean that you and she spend many years with a piece of your hearts missing. If you choose to support and love her through this choice, then you could talk to her about your difficulty with understanding her choice and find a support group to help with understanding that this had nothing to do with how you raised her. But you won't loose her in your life and you may find that while you do not understand the relationship she has chosen for herself, she has found a way to be happy and the woman she has chosen as a life partner is a wonderful addition to your family.

I wish you all the best... ;-)

She is who she is. Love and support her. It does not matter how she was raised, it is who she is. You run a very high risk of loosing her unless you make peace with her decision.

So what if she likes girls, trust me-she is old enough to recognize her sexual orientation and she probably struggled with it long before she got up the courage to tell you. Don't make her regret it. Be very thankful that she felt like she COULD tell you. make sure you let her know you love her regardless. She is going to have to deal with enough and does not need the rejection of her parents on top of it.