A Very Outraged Mother

Hello, Well I am a mom of a 14 and 19 year old daughters and I am going through with this with the youngest one. That is all I hear out of the high school that everybody is bi. It is the in thing right now. I just told her it was not allowed in my house. Her sister thinks she is saying this because everybody at school is. I know that is not much help but I just wanted you to know that I was going through the same thing if you want to talk.

Hi M.,
I too was a single mom to my 3 kids for almost all of their lives. My oldest, my only son, told me at the age of 21 that he is gay. Number 1, let me commend you for not getting angry with him or turning him away. The thing he needs the most from you right now is your unconditional love. Whether you agree with his lifestyle or not, he needs to know you love him. My son and I have always been extremely close and still are to this day. I was like you and did not believe in this "practice" and felt very confused about what to say to him. We have had lots of very frank conversations and I have learned alot in the last 4 years of having a gay child. As difficult as this is for you to digest, it's an even tougher time for him.
#1 - he is not choosing to be gay or bi. There are some people who opt for sexual experimentation, but that's different than really feeling like this is who they are. I have spoken to hundreds of my son's gay friends and overwhelmingly they have all responded they did NOT choose to be gay.
#2 - you will probably never understand this, quit trying. Now is the time for open mindedness and acceptance. We are in a changing world and society and there are many things that just will never be the same as they were when we were kids. Sometimes they can be even better. Do the best you can to accept what your son tells you without reactions. He is not trying to shock you, just share with you and looking for reassurance. You would be amazed at the number of gay/lesbian children that have been turned away by their families.
#3 - Your son is not going to "rub off" on your other kids and he is not going to do sexual things around you or your other children. Homosexuality is a fact in America. My guess is, if you talk to your other children, they know other gay people. The myth is that gay men try to convert straight men to their side. That's just not the way it is.
Your son is a young man who is hurting and confused right now. He doesn't need the judgement of you or your husband right now, but to know he is still loved and you will stand behind him and talk openly with him to help him come to grips with whatever his lot in life is. Isn't that the same thing you would do if he were struggling with what girl to marry or where to go to school or what job to take? He's not any different.
I'm a proud mom too!

Hi M.,
First of all I would like to wish you and your a fammily a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
I know that life doesn't always give us as parents what we wanted for our children. But you have to be there for your children no matter what the circumstance my be. See you have done your part and it is now up to him to really find himself. At least he has opened up to you, instead of hidden it. There is alot of bisexual people in the world and there is no reason they should not tell anyone. Keeping this a secret only makes it harder on you. I would set rules for my home as well, but never refuse his visit, life is to short. There is alot of information in books, and web sites where you can get information on this subject. All I know and can say is to be there for him and except him for who he is!

I am not sure what your step-daughter is like but I have a friend who functions in the same way. She has had everything done for her her whole life and also does not know how to interact socially. It is very frustrating. It will be hard to teach her a good work ethic and proper behavior if she has not been trained as a child. However, she needs to be treated as a young adult and have certain expectations. She needs to do certain chores and have study time. She could help with dinner and be given responsibility. The catch is that there will have to be consequences given when she chooses not to obey. Do not "baby" her but give her encouragement and support. Hope all goes well..for her sake and yours. God bless your family.

I'm kind of confused about some of the situation so I'm not sure what advice to give. Bounce some of your opinions off of me and I will try to help you come to a conclusion that will work for you. I think that is the best way to advise you. Please tell me more about her. How old is she? Where does she live? Does she work? Does she do any chores? What is her attitude about it like? Does she seem lazy or if you take a closer look, is it possible that she is overwhelmed so she uses an avoidance sort of coping skill? I'll be watching for your clarification. Remember that different stages in life, some of our decisions must be met with some of the natural consequences depending on the situation. If she is a little older, then some of the lessons will have to be learned for herself. That is the only way that she will see the importance if she is a little older. Sorry for rambling. I look forward to finding out more about it. Take care, Nik

Ok...the thing about being bi or gay...they have learned that it's actually a chromisone err. Men are supposed to be born with so many y's and so many x's and women are to be born with a different number of y's and x's and the ones that are bi and gay...they don't have the right number of y's and x's...it's more or less a birth defect. You don't have to approve of it, but there's nothing he can do about it, so if you want to keep him in your life you have to learn to accept him the way he is. The important thing here is that he's comfortable with HIMSELF the way HE is. My thing is that as long as he's happy, well adjusted and his mate (regarless of sex) treats him with the courtesy and respect that he deserves then it's all well. It's not my thing either, but I've thought about situations like that because I have so many kids of my own...how would I react if I found out that one of my kids was gay? I couldn't love any of my kids any less for being gay than I could if they were born without an arm. It's something they can't control so I would have to accept it and deal with it.

in a respectful way tell him ur feelings & give him ur request, which is not to much to ask, & hopefully in time he will have a change of attitude. let him know u love him & are proud of HIM, you just disagree with his life style. this is a tough situation, u can always turn to u pastor or church if u have one if not then maybe this is the time to seek God's help. Good luck & i will be praying for your family & you.

I would suggest you talk to someone who can give you some resources and advice. My husband's brother is gay (and has been living with his significant other for over 10 years). I have two small boys (5 and 3). Trying to love someone you don't think has made a good choice in their life, and trying to teach your children the indended lifestyle God has for a mna and a woman, has been a tough balancing act. Focus on the Family has a great website and offers counseling for families to help. They are Christian driven, but compassionate to the challenges of loving someone who is outside of God's will. I have relied on them and the resources they provide for many of the challenges (divorce, sexual predators, homosexuality, blind tolerance/acceptance of non-christian ideals.. the lists goes on). Hopefully your son is just confused and will see that true happiness can only be attained in a union meant by God between one man and one woman. Until then, pray, and seek council from Godly resources. http://www.family.org/
God bless you, and I'll say a prayer for you and your family.
J. <><

I have never had to deal with this personally with any of my kids but I have an uncle who is gay and my grandmother disowned him and we never saw him again.She regrets it now.I don't believe in it either but he is your son and you are doing good by telling him you love him and he is allowed around just none of the other stuff.

Please Please Please realize that this is not a "practice" but the way his brain is hardwired. It is no more his choice to be attracted to men than it is yours and study after study has proven this. I applaud him for coming out so early in life. He has probably known or suspected for some time now. Being the youngest, it's hardly your choice what he does around the other children, they will have to make that decission, but realize that once he finds a partner, if you won't let them be together around you or don't openly accept his partner, you won't see much of him anymore.
Good luck with your decissions.

I agree with the advice that pointed you to Focus on the Family. I would also highly recommend a book by Barbara Johnson called: "Where Does a Mother Go to Resign" or her "Stick a Geranium in Your Hat and Be Happy!" books (might find it if you go to Amazon.com.)
As someone has already referred to the Bible speaks very much against homosexuality (from Genesis 19; the reason Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed in the Old TEstament and Romans 1 in the New Testament. I do not believe that God creates men or women to live this lifestyle. It is their sinful choice, just as an alcoholic chooses to drink, once the temptation is tried, they are hooked. We live in a very sinful culture that lures our children to various and horrible temptations. God wanted us to "Be fruitful and multiply"; that's a little hard with 2 males or 2 females. I was told by a very wise counselor, once the son or daughter is over 21: our job as parents is to: love, affirm and set them free for God to change, correct and teach them. I commend the actions you have taken to love your son. He needs your support and guidance right now. Pray like you've never prayed before for your children.
I have never seen any conclusive evidence that homosexuality is due to a birth defect or messed up genes or chromosomes. It is a choice that our kids get lured into during those teen years and later during sexual experimentation. Many people have found their way out of this lifestyle with God's help and lead very satisfied and happy lives due to His faithful love and guidance.

I just wanted to throw this out there... I was raised by a lesbian mother. She is the most amazing, wonderful, loving person in the world. She provided me with a safe, happy, supportive home. I also have 2 gay uncles. I have to tell you that you shouldn't keep him away from the kids. You should use this as an opportunity to teach tolerance and understanding. Besides the damage that this would do to him, what if one of the younger children were to find out they are gay? If you don't handle it well with your son, then that other child will turn away from you and that will tear your family apart. Family isn't about believing in the same things. It is about loving unconditionally. You are at a crucial point in your family's life... you can either make this a time of compassion, love, support, and growth... or a time to teach judgement and exclusion.

There is nothing you can do to make your son "go the other way". You will have to accpet him for who he is. I'm sure he will respect you enough to not do "sexual" things infront of you, but if he has a partner I'm sure he is going to want you to meet him. Accept your son for who he is. I'm a mother of 3 children and if one of them was to tell me they were gay I would accept it. I just don't see the big deal. He doesn't CHOOSE to be gay, that's the way he was born and the way he always will be. Accept him and let him know that you will love him no matter what. You can also check out this website.. www.Pflag.com It's a wonderful site that I'm sure will give you lots of information..

Let me guess...she is either 15 or 16 right?

It sounds like you have a good opportunity to teach others tolerance. You may not like something someone does or stands for, but that doesn't mean you still can't be friends and love someone. I think way too many people in this world are very intolerant of others with different views. I'm glad to hear you want to stay in his life. As for doing "sexual things" in the presence of you or your other kids -- that would be very inappropriate for anyone regardless of sexual orientation!

I am the mother of a lesbian and I can tell you that she was born that way. I have no doubt of that at all. She was a tomboy her whole life, never cared a thing about the attentions of males, and was totally insulted after always being friends with the neighborhood boys and all of a sudden they noticed that she was a girl. She has had several partners, one of them she lived with for over 12 years, and her partner died of diabetes complications. She is also an alcoholic, which is very prevalent with gay persons, and ADHD which is also connected with both conditions. I believe all of this stuff is hereditary, and my friends who are gay or who have gay children all agree with me that this is something that has to be genetic.

Updated

I am the mother of a lesbian and I can tell you that she was born that way. I have no doubt of that at all. She was a tomboy her whole life, never cared a thing about the attentions of males, and was totally insulted after always being friends with the neighborhood boys and all of a sudden they noticed that she was a girl. She has had several partners, one of them she lived with for over 12 years, and her partner died of diabetes complications. She is also an alcoholic, which is very prevalent with gay persons, and ADHD which is also connected with both conditions. I believe all of this stuff is hereditary, and my friends who are gay or who have gay children all agree with me that this is something that has to be genetic.