My 3 Year Old and Telling Mommy or Daddy No

I'm right there with you. I think it's normal, and I think we have to keep reinforcing that it's not okay to disrespect the parents. I always put my girl on the naughty step, and it seems to be working.

I totally agree with the first two posts. The only thing I'd add, along the lines of "pick your battles," is that sometimes they say "no" just to see what will happen. So with your example with the stick in the water, did he just kind of passively say "no" like he wanted to see what would happen, or did he shout "NO!" at you defiantly and take action based on his declaration? When my sons do the former, I often just ignore it, and continue to act as if he'd said nothing. That way, they learn that saying "no" to me just doesn't get a response, so they don't do it any more. But if it's open defiance, I usually pause for a minute and just look. These days that's enough to get an "I'm sorry" from my oldest.... :) But in the beginning, it took giving the look, then saying very quietly "we don't shout at mommy [or say "no," or throw things, or whatever he did that was unacceptable]." And then I take whatever it is away, gently (because it's hard to say "no snatching" while snatching something away, right?!), explaining that clearly this isn't something he can play with because he can't be nice while doing so.

Basically, the bigger a reaction you give to whatever he does, the greater the likelihood that he will repeat it. No matter that your reaction is positive or negative, as long as it's big, it will bring about more of the same. (So, as an aside, if you call attention to positive behavior with as much volume and consistency as you call attention to negative behavior, it's amazing how much more good stuff he'll do....!).

Good luck!

Oh, yeah! The terrible three's have begun! This is where they learn exactly how to push your buttons and you have to learn to choose your battles. The thing my son did at that age which would get me going is copying every thing I said. So I'd start saying things I wanted to hear like "Mommy's always right" and he'd repeat it over and over. If it wasn't too serious an issue when he'd start in with the 'No' business, I'd ask him "WHAT did you say? Did you say NO to your Mommy who loves you so much?" and I'd get out my tickle fingers and we'd end up with a tickle game and he'd forget all about No-ing me for awhile. Another thing to remember is don't tell him what he can't do (it makes them want to do it even more just to see your reaction), tell him what he can do - suggest acceptable alternatives to whatever he's doing that's bothering you. I became the Queen of diversions. My son was really very good because I seldom gave him a chance to be naughty. It takes a sense of humor and a lot of patience to get through this stage. They all grow out of it eventually.

Yeah, three is hard because suddenly your sweet baby is willfully arguing with you. For me, the first REAL tantrum was at three, and it was like a slap in the face. My only advice is pretty simple.

First, give him lots of choices and let him make lots of decisions where appropriate. Within some reason, he can pick his clothes, select his snack, etc. Don't jus tdirect him, ask questions - "do you want this... or this?" If you aren't already doing this, it is a change of mindset, but will help.

Second, give him big guy stuff to do. He can do more than you probably give him credit for. He should help with laundry, brush his own hair and teeth (in addition to you), clean up his toys, unload the dishwasher (with supervision), water plants, make his bed, and so on. If you haven't already, give him chosres and responsibility because he is not a baby. He will thrive if you treat him like a big boy, and let him have lots of chances to work alongside you. I wish that love of helping lasted!!!

Finally, pick your battles, but be consistent. Decide with your husband and any other caregivers what is totally unacceptable - yelling at you, throwing, general tantrum behavior. Decide what he cannot say no to - sitting at the table for dinner, washing hands after playing, etc. Discipline him consistently - I don't like timeouts really, but if that is his currancy, fine. On the rest, let him say "no" sometimes and don't fight it too much. You are raising a little adult, not a robot who has to obey and have no opinions.

I know it can be shocking, if not painful, to lose that cute little baby adoration of Mommy. Threes and fours are much tougher than twos in my opinion. No one really tells you that... Instead of focusing on the negative try to celebrate the fact tha tyou have gotten through the baby years and produced a healthy smart kid. He is doing what he is supposed to. Give him the security of boundaries, but also as much independence as possible. Your relationship IS changing, but it is growing not getting worse. Enjoy.

The NO thing is just another phase. He may not even fully grasp the power or complete meaning of NO.
I think a time out for NO isnt going to work. Perhaps when he does tell you NO, you can explain to him that the correct answer is: "yes mommy, or ok, or sure". And then further direct him physically to do what you have requested. I think consistantly verbally correcting the word NO and replacing it w/ a correct response will teach him the proper behavior.
Good luck.

I agree with the first two posters too.

Personally, if it is just defiance for the sake of it, I opt to outthink her. "Well, if you are holding that stick in the water, you can't <insert something she should be having fun with>" to redirect her. If she has hit her brother or something along those lines, I tell her that she has hurt him and that it isn't nice to hurt him and explain the situation. Usually when I explain to her that she hurt someone she starts crying. She really hates to be told she did something wrong.

By the way, my daughter was on her way to 2, when I was expecting her brother. That brought on the acting out. She knew things were changing and didn't like it. I bought her a baby on the way book and started explaining to her what was happening. The Mommy bonding time helped.

I explained to my son why we say no, and why we tell him different rules. I told him that he can ask why, but he still has to treat me with respect. Then I went on to talk about what that meant-being nice, obeying, etc. Then I showed him what he was doing by doing it to him. For example, when he wanted a toy I'd say "No, I don't want to" in a really childish, bratty voice. Then we'd talk about that and is it ever nice to talk to someone that way, and does he like it when mommy talks to him like that. We also did time-outs, took away toys, started a reward chart for being nice/respectful. The best thing for him was a combination of all of them. Talking, then time-out immediately. Then talking about it again. Then he'd lose a toy or whatever he had that he wasn't being good with-so if he was playing with a toy and that's why he wasn't listening/being respectful, he lost that toy for the day. Then we'd also reward good behaviors. If he was repeatedly bad with a toy, we put it up and he could choose it back after he filled a reward chart. If he was bad with it again, he lost it.

My 3 year old likes to test the 'no' as well. We give him a chance to correct his behavior before we put him in time out. We say, "you are not allowed to say 'no' to mommy and daddy, now please put that down..." If he still says no, then we put him in time out for 3 minutes, then we make him say 'sorry' before he can get out of time out. I've read in all the Parenting magazines that this is typical for this age, and to stay consistent with the discipline you use so they are fully aware that it is not allowed, ever. I also read that this phase can last until they are 4 - 4 1/2 :-)

Children must learn to respect and obey their parents word. Be consistent. Don't ever allow the child to disobey without consequences. Be firm but kind. Make it easy for the child to obey by trying to make the command desireable. We are all sinners. Your child will defy your authority at times. Never let him win the battle. If he learns to obey you, he will learn to obey other authority figures and especially God. AF

Well that's why they say don't allow something when they are young you don't want to have happen for ever. You never allow a child to say "NO" to the parents. But now that you have the prob. you need to say "He's not allowed" and start punishing when he says it with a time out. 1 min for each year of life so in his case 3 to 4 min. good luck

Welcome to the Joy(?!) of three yo. Let him know that it is not allowed to say no to Mommy and Daddy. You are doing the right thing. It is a phase and will pass, just stick to your guns and do not let him get away with it.