My 3 Year Old Son May Get Kicked Out of Preschool

You can train him not to run away by giving him a firm consequence for running away when you call him. If you are diligent at home, he'll get it in public. If he is disobeying at other times, he needs over all firming up on his discipline. There are good tips in Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson.

Given that he has a speech delay, you may wish to pursue special education through the public school system in your town. I'm not sure how it works in your state but in Illinois, EI (Early Intervention) ends at age 3 and then public schools provide the services for the kids. There is a possibility that your child may qualify for early childhood education schooling within the public school system. Please don't worry about the stigma associated with this; it may be a better fit overall.

Hi M.,

I think there are some good suggestions here about parent/teacher communication. I'm a preschool teacher, and I am always surprised at what parents *don't* tell me. To that end, I think there is always a fine line for parents between presenting the child to the teacher as 'a problem' (inundating a new teacher with "my kid does this and that and so that's what you are going to need to be dealing with") and sharing with the teacher about a child's challenges. "He has a tendency to run, and I wanted to share that with you for obvious safety reasons." I don't know what prior information you have given his teachers, but I do hope this suggestion helps you in whichever future care/educational situations your son is in.

In regard to 'runners'; there are always going to be children who have challenges which need more monitoring. These are the kids who we 'always hold hands' with on walks outside of the classroom, the kids that need someone to check on them in the bathroom for more than two minutes, the kids that cannot be left alone near the cubbies/backpacks because they will get into the belongings of others. In short, your son is not alone in having challenges.

I do agree with previous posters about looking at the security of the site. Do the doors a child can access go directly outside, to the street? (I'm all for the high-placed push-bar type openings at preschools.) Is there someone posititioned to be able to 'catch' unattended kids as they are leaving, say a receptionist or admin? These aren't foolproof, but I am always leery of a site that allows children to have direct access to the street.

Keep working to impress upon your son the dangers of running away. "When we can't see you, when we don't know where you are, that means that if you get hurt, we can't help you." My favorite for my youngsters is "If you can't see me, I can't see you. You ALWAYS stay where you can see me." If I had a 'runner' in my group, you can bet I would have a plan with my coteachers regarding "who is watching so-and-so?" and always have one teacher whose special task was to keep an extra eye out. We do this when we 'shadow' a child because of behavioral issues, position ourselves to be ready to step in proactively when necessary while helping the other children in the space.

If you present some alternatives (such as shadowing) to the teachers and are still being met with resistance to these proactive interventions, find someplace else, if only for your own peace of mind. Certainly, children must learn to be safe, and we must also do our very best not to fail the children in our classroom when their challenges seem to get the best of them.

My heartfelt hopes that this situation improves for you.
Best wishes,
H.

Is the preschool aware that he is "a runner" or did you decide not to warn them about that, since it got him kicked out of the last preschool? They need to know, not necessarily that it got him ejected, but that this IS what he will do if given the chance. They could be told, "In this situation, I wish the teacher had waited to talk to that parent and held my son's hand until he was back with the group. In the future, if he is not with the group, being taken to the bathroom or anything else, an adult needs to hold his hand until he is back with the group and the teacher is present."

I wouldn't heap blame on the teacher who took him to the bathroom -- though if she knew he was a runner, she should have held onto him and returned him right away. I'd tell them, "Yes, he did this and I know it's his last chance, but the school also needs to understand that he has to be watched and his hand held." If they say, we can't hold every child's hand, you need to reconsider not just that preschool but whether he is ready for preschool period.

The fact that this hasn't changed over a year makes me wonder if he is really mature enough for preschool. He may need to wait yet another year to gain the maturity to understand he can't run away. He also needs to gain the maturity to find preschool at least engaging enough to stick around, and to stop thinking of running away as a game. At four he would still get a good year of pre-K before kindergarten. I'm a big fan of quality preschool whenever possible, but one thing preschool has to teach is staying with the group and moving with the group when told to. It sounds like he is not ready for that yet and not ready to take direction from an adult who isn't a parent -- another important thing preschoolers have to learn to be ready for kindergarten.

It's tough to teach a runner not to run, unless you and the preschool work out some very consistent consequences. But it sounds like there would be no time for consequences if it happens again at school--he'll be ejected. I would work on it at home (this is all assuming he also is a runner with you) with consistent consequences that you always, always use every single time he leaves your side without permission--even if giving him his consequence is inconvenient at the time. He's old enough to start understanding that running away at the park means he instantly goes home, no appeal, no delay, no discussion, or that running away at church or the mall means an instant time-out right there, not "when we get home" because that is too long after the problem for him to connect the time out with his behavior. If you work on it at home and out in the world, and maybe put off preschool until he's not doing it with you, that could help. If you're already working on it like this at home -- never mind! I just hope he can get over it soon. I know of two cases of kids who have exited preschools and ended up next to busy roadways -- that's why the preschool is probably so strict about runaways being sent home for good.

.

Oh god, I wish I did.
I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone. My son is the same way. We're fighting the potty training preschool battle right now, too.

I have no suggestions. I just feel your pain. Completely!

Sounds like a "regular" preschool's not for him. Look into your local school and they should have what's called "developmental preschool". In most states starting at age 3 your child can go to this. Of course you have to have them tested by the school to see if they qualify, but from what it sounds like, I'm sure he would qualify for it.

I wouldn't delay doing this since we're going into summer. If you look into it now, I'm sure before next school year starts they will test him and then he would start when the school year starts up. Also, I wouldn't delay this because you're not doing your child any good by not getting him the help he needs.

Our son got kicked out of preschool, but it was due to extreme behaviors resulting from ADHD. I am floored they would threaten this over running. Wow, that seems very minor to me.

I would talk to the teacher and collaborate on ideas for resolving this problem. Show them you're taking it seriously. If they know your son is a runner, seems like the teacher could have held his hand while she was talking to the parent.

In the meantime, I would start researching other preschools. I've learned that once the threats start, it can go downhill very fast. When you talk with other preschools, be open about his running and find out if they can manage kids with this issue. I found when I was open about our son's ADHD symptoms, we were able to find the right caregivers. People will flat-out tell you when they're not interested in kids with any challenges.

Good luck!

Part of me wants to say this is ridiculous. It's their job to teach, guide, and protect him while in their care. But I know that they are just protecting themselves.

I have a boy that's been with me for 4 years. He's almost 6 years old and he's often guilty of doing things similar to this. He tries to get away with it. When I talk with other parents he heads outside. He gets very strict groundings from various activities he likes, his mother takes him home and punishes him there for it too. And yet, he's determined to do it. It always happens on nice days, in the summer, or at the end of the day when he's itching to go home. He doesn't use his brain. He so knows better. BUT, I would NEVER kick him out for it. And yet, it's MY responsibility to keep him safe. If he decided to sneak out when I am not looking he could be to Timbuktu. It's my job to supervise him.

There's a small part of me that's glad he turns 6 this summer and starts school in the fall. It's not a lot of kids that do this repeatedly. But there are always going to be kids that require extra supervision and training. I can't help but think I'd be broke and my daycare would fail if I let go of every child that causes me extra work and worry.

I would have a heart to heart w/the teacher and see what you guys can work out to keep your kids at the same school. I understand her concern for his safety but just saying if he does it again and he gets kicked out seems like a cop out - no disrespect to her. Kids challenge boundaries all the time...just as the school deals w/appropriate discipline all the time.

Sure, you son is delayed in some areas. There has to still be a way to teach him right and wrong. Maybe tighten the reigns at home now and let him know how serious this is...even if it is for his preschool career!

Well, my son is a runner so in public places like the mall or airport we have a kiddo leash.
I am not too sure about in day care but they must have other tactics ... this can not be the only runner they have had.
Oh, and do not feel badly my son was kicked out of a few day cares young, eventually we just decided it was better for me to be a SAHM until we had some of his issues under better control.

Sorry about your runner, we have one too. It is the schools job to care for him the hours he is there. If they cannot control his actions enough to keep him safe I would be moving him anyway.

I got a whole family that came to my child care center due to the mom coming to pick up her kids one day and her toddler was sitting in the parking lot playing in the gravel. I would have sued that place no matter that he was safe. The center put up gates and all kinds of safety features the next day but the family had already decided to move all their kids. I was friends with the other Director and she is a very competent person, she teaches the CDA classes in my area. The teacher was in major trouble.

When they take your child they are taking on the responsibility of caring for him. If their building is not set up to be safe for the kids I would change.

I can't tell by what you have said in your post, but in my experience children that are "runners" usually have lots of other issues that they push on a regular basis as well. For example, he be one that won't share the playdough, or hits other students, or refuses to participate in the activities. It probably isn't just at preschool either. Again, i have no idea but it would be super super surprised if he was a good listener at home and just not behaving at preschool.
So my first suggetion would be to tighten the reigns at home, find an incentive that motivates him and use it to reward him for listening the first time you ask him to come to the table for dinner, or when he holds our hand nicely in the parking lot. Communicate Communicate, communicate with the school come up with a motivation for him at school. Everytime he does the right thing, it need to be reinforced.

As for the running thing, you could teach him a little stop and go game. Play it first in a safe place, tell him he can run until you say stop then he has to freeze. Make it fun, but it is a great game, that could save his life. play it often enough that he really understands to STOP when someone says STOP.

If you haven't already, I would want to clarify what happened when your son bolted out the door, did the teacher have time to tell him to stop before he got out, or was she attempting to stop him and he wasn't listening?

I'm sure once he starts workign with a speech therapist you will see TONS of growth in many areas, acedemic, social, etc.

Updated

I can't tell by what you have said in your post, but in my experience children that are "runners" usually have lots of other issues that they push on a regular basis as well. For example, he be one that won't share the playdough, or hits other students, or refuses to participate in the activities. It probably isn't just at preschool either. Again, i have no idea but it would be super super surprised if he was a good listener at home and just not behaving at preschool.
So my first suggetion would be to tighten the reigns at home, find an incentive that motivates him and use it to reward him for listening the first time you ask him to come to the table for dinner, or when he holds our hand nicely in the parking lot. Communicate Communicate, communicate with the school come up with a motivation for him at school. Everytime he does the right thing, it need to be reinforced.

As for the running thing, you could teach him a little stop and go game. Play it first in a safe place, tell him he can run until you say stop then he has to freeze. Make it fun, but it is a great game, that could save his life. play it often enough that he really understands to STOP when someone says STOP.

If you haven't already, I would want to clarify what happened when your son bolted out the door, did the teacher have time to tell him to stop before he got out, or was she attempting to stop him and he wasn't listening?

I'm sure once he starts workign with a speech therapist you will see TONS of growth in many areas, acedemic, social, etc.

it's a tough call, for them and for you. i'm not quite so quick to heap blame upon their heads. it's very hard for a facility to have a kid who is so quicksilver and is likely to bring a lawsuit down upon them. unfortunately the consequence of so many parents being sue-happy is that it's harder for good facilities to stay open, and the ones that do are forced to take extreme measures.
and really, kicking out a wiggly little fellow is pretty extreme. understandable, maybe, but extreme.
did you let them know when you enrolled him that this was an issue? if not, they still should be vigilant with all littles, of course, but they do deserve a heads-up about likely issues.
but reinforcement at home is also necessary. it's tough with little fellows who have hearing issues (my boys had ear infections out the wazoo too) but he needs patient and persistent consequences so that he grows out of this phase quickly. this probably involves physical contact whenever he's in a situation where he might bolt, and this is certainly a case where i would use a harness and send it to school with him. one of the rewards for learning not to bolt would be getting to dispense with the leash. i know some parents are weirdly dead-set against this, but when it's a safety issue i think it's nuts to let aesthetics get in the way.
good luck!
khairete
S.