My 3 Year Old Son Won't Sleep.

Hi C.,

All children are different . I had two.

One got tired and would walk off and we'd follow him to his bedroom! Self regulator - A+ Born this way.

The other needed lots of routine. What helped with this child was finding her optimum time and sticking to it. We kept moving her bedtime back by 15 minutes a night until we found that if we put her to bed a 7:30, it took her the least time to nod off (still 30 minutes).

All my best.

you can't force sleep.

i get that you're frustrated and exhausted, and i feel your pain, but keeping your toddler up all night to try and wear him out is an exercise in futility. please don't do things like that.

strip his room down to the basics and let him find his way. if all he has is a pile of blankies and pillows on the floor, how much destruction can he wreak?

i get grumpy when i've exhausted myself and someone wakes me from a nap too.

if you go about your life without micromanaging his sleep, he will at some point start to self-regulate. he's got to. everyone has to sleep, but you've allowed this to become a battle, and like food battles, trying a power-over structure just doesn't work.

it's very difficult to negotiate logically with a 3 year old. they need choices, but they also need the choices to be very simple and limited, and with hard boundaries around them.

'it's bedtime, theodore. we're going to read a story, and then it's nighty-night.' ignore any drama. if he wails 'no want to sleep!' then 'okay, you can just rest if you want. but it's bedtime and you stay in your bedroom.'

one or two woobies, and nothing else.

stick to your guns.

during the day do what you need to do, and let him figure out how to nap along the way. mine slept in backpacks, cars, floors, and blankets outside a riding ring. if you don't move and heaven and earth trying to make them sleep, life puts them to sleep.

i'm not saying any of it is easy. but it is a simple as you let it be. don't overwork it.
khairete
S.

Your body actually makes melatonin so using additional isn't a big deal. Not something to be scared of but certainly not your first choice in getting your son into a good sleep pattern.

I think your best bet is to make sure he gets plenty of run around time during the day. Playing outside in the fresh air tires them out so play outside as often as possible. Then get into a end of the day routine. No tv or screen time at all. Dinner, quiet play like a board game or card game followed by bath, teeth, and bedtime story. Then lights out for the night. If he gets up escort him back to bed without talking to him. Lather rinse repeat.

Remember that this isn't something that will be fixed in a day. This is a habit he's fallen into so it'll take a little time to get him into a routine that works for your family.

Wow, if a 3 yr old is running your home, you need to work on getting this under control ASAP - what will you do when he is 7 or 8?

First, I'd check with my doctor about the melatonin. Not sure why you are "scared" of it, but if you are, your doctor (or even a pharmacist) can talk to you about appropriate dosage.

Second, set a bedtime routine and stick to it. No matter what. He sounds like a kid who is going to thrive on structure so give it to him.

Third, if there is nothing in his room to destroy, then that becomes a non-issue. Remove all toys and other destroyable items to another room. Keep a few loveys to sleep with. 3 is old enough to understand that this is not acceptable behavior.

Fourth, you need to make sure that you are not reacting to any of these behaviors. You should be remaining calm, never yelling, never scolding. Sometimes, negative attention is just as good as positive attention - so acting out for the reaction is pretty common. Don't give him one other than calm and quiet.

Fifth, single or double gate (stacked gates) his bedroom door and put your chair outside of it. After bedtime routine is over and he is in bed, you can sit outside the door until he is sleeping. He can't leave, he knows you are there for the comfort aspect. Don't give in and don't give up.

Sixth, no TV/screen time/movies/video games for final 60 minutes (or at the very least 30 minutes) before bed. This should be bath, story, snack (if you do that), wind down time. The house should be relatively quiet if possible.

My guess is you kind of created this - the statement "car rides don't even work anymore" is kind of telling. I understand that many folks are "let them sleep where they drop, kids are happier with their own sleep schedule, some need to do this or that." Not really effective if your kid has to go to daycare, or if you have other children to attend to, or if you want to sleep on a schedule yourself. Some wiggle room should always be allowed (some kids need less sleep, some kids drop naps by 2, etc.) but at the point there is destructive behavior, no sleep schedule at all and it is impacting parents sleep, it is time to step in and create some healthy sleep habits. That's what parents are for :)

what does the childs dr say? back when my dd was 13 months i had tons of trouble with her and sleep times. i talked to her dr about it and she gave me a recommendation to reset the sleep schedule and put things back on track. what the dr suggested worked for my child. my dr knows my child, has her med history and the drs suggestion worked because she took into thought all my daughter had been thru (surgery at 11 months of age which messed things up and dr understood that)
so i suggest you talk to the pedi about this. see what they say.

Well, there are a couple of things you might want to consider looking at differently. You mentioned that sometimes he falls asleep on the couch. Fine. Let him sleep on the couch. There's really nothing wrong with that. You don't mention if that's nap time or bed time. If it's bed time and you are at all concerned that he'll wake in the middle of the night, maybe you could just let him sleep there and set up an air mattress on the floor for you. If he gets a good night sleep one or two nights, you might find that he begins to sleep more consistently. I would definitely not be too concerned with exactly where he is sleeping, as long as he is getting some sleep.

Have you tried staying in the room with him until he falls asleep? It's very common for preschoolers to need to be "parented to sleep." He might stay more calm if you are there with him. Read a story, sing a song, rub his back. Help him stay relaxed until he does fall asleep. This doesn't have to me forever. Maybe for a few days or even a week. Again, it's worth it if he sleeps.

My boys took 3 to 3 1/2 hour naps every day until they gave up their naps. There may have been times where they slept close to 4 hours. That's just the way they were wired (both of them). That also meant they only slept about 8 hours (sometimes 7) at night. They weren't overtired. In fact, they were very happy kids. I didn't love that they only slept 7 to 8 hours at night, but the long nap time was kind of nice. I know most kids take shorter naps and sleep longer at night, but some don't. Yours might be one of those.

Finally, I'm not sure what about melatonin scares you, because it was a lifesaver for us. Our youngest is on the Autism Spectrum and has ADHD. He would take a couple of hours just to settle down to go to sleep. Tossing and turning. If one of us hadn't sat by his bed until he fell asleep, he would have been up and wandering around the hosue. We would have been taking him back to bed for hours. He doctor suggested we try melatonin (just 1 mg), so we decided to give it a try. Best thing we ever did. Later his psychologist and even one of his counselors asked if we had ever tried it. We said yes, and both said, good because otherwise they were going to suggest we try.

We give him 1 tablet at bedtime, and he reads a book in bed. He's usually out like a light within 20 minutes. I know your little guy is too young to read in bed, but you could give it to him just before you read a book. I think you will be amazed at how much it helps.

Let him sleep where he sleeps. If he falls asleep on the couch, you actually disrupt that by picking him up and taking him to his room. Is there a pattern to when he falls asleep on the couch? If he's falling asleep at 3 p.m., that's a nap. If he's falling asleep on the couch at 7 p.m., then that's bedtime, and 8:30 is too late for him.

Take all that stuff out of his room. Put a dresser with drawer locks in there, and bolt it to the wall if it's more than 3 drawers high. If there's a bookshelf, bolt that to the wall too, or take it out. Take the toys out, and leave one or two of his most important stuffed animals, and that's it. Put a doorknob cover on the closet door and the inside of his bedroom door so he can't get out. Or, put in a Dutch door - a lot of people are going back to those for kids' rooms and even kitchens if they want to keep toddlers and pets contained. It allows light in so you don't need a nightlight, but the child can't get out. (If there's no stuff in the room, he can't use anything as a step to help him climb out.

What's the bedtime routine? For an hour before, there should be downtime. Quiet bath, story, lullaby, cuddle with stuffed animal. No screen time, no TV, no running around, no starting some fascinating project or game he won't want to stop. After we did bath and teeth, we read a book or two in his room, then he got in bed. Sitting next to him or lying next to him once he was in a twin bed, my husband or I used to sing "Good Night, David" to him to the tune of "Good Night, Ladies." Some of the verses were the same every night (like Mommy loves you, Daddy loves you, Nana loves you...) and sometimes I sang "We had a good day, we went to Nana's, we had some dinner, and then we went to bed." Just make the words fit based on what you did - "we went to the library, you played with Jimmy...." Anything, but put the unique activities earlier in the song so the routine verses are at the end. I sang softer and softer, slower and slower, and it helped him calm down. Same thing every night. Routine.

I don't have a strong feeling about melatonin either way. I know some people really need it - especially kids on the autism spectrum. But I also think people reach for a pill all the time just to make something happen immediately before they try other techniques. If you do use it, talk to the pediatrician about a good brand - don't just buy junk off the shelves that may not even have Melatonin in it! (Remember the big brouhaha a few years back about GNC and Whole Foods selling various supplements that didn't have the named item in the bottle?)

If you aren't going to bed until he's asleep, and your normal bedtime is at least 10 and maybe 11 p.m., then you're saying your kid is up from 8:30 to 11 p.m., and that says you have to change what you're doing.

Mine napped for 3 hours well past the age of 4, but if yours is sleeping for 4 hours, it's because he's overtired from not sleeping at night. Remember that deep, continuous sleep is essential for brain development in children. You've got to get a handle on this.

Our doctor recommended melatonin when our child had trouble falling asleep. He was older but check with your pediatrician.

I would think putting a 3 year old to bed when not tired - you're going to end up with a child who is going to be bored and will play in his room. Not sure why he's destroying it unless he's come to view bedtime as a thing to dread and his room as punishment.

The best thing I ever did was realize just like adults, each child has their own natural sleep pattern. There is no magical precise bedtime for every kid. My kids all had different bedtimes - some would crash soon after supper at that age, others napped and would be up a bit later. Some were very physical and were just worn out. One was a reader and sat quietly a lot of the day, so wasn't as physically tired. On daycare days or preschool - they were exhausted. It varies. You have to go with the flow.

Bedtime (consistent) is a great guideline - and routine is wonderful (we always had one - still do) - but do you like going to be at exactly 10:00 pm every night? I mean, it varies.

If he naps on the couch - then let him nap there. Throw a blanket on him. My youngest crashed on our couch - that was her regular nap time. She loved the bustle and chaos of our household, it put her to sleep. Another one of mine lead dead quiet.

Just go with your son's natural pattern - work with it - not against it - for a while. Try a regular nighttime routine - play after dinner - bath - downtime (quiet play, no tv, read... wind down ... that includes whoever is putting him to bed..) and then when he looks tired, off he goes. Yawns, rubs eyes, etc. If you have to stay in the room till he drifts off - that's fine until he gets the habit going. Walk out as he's drifting off and say you'll be back on him to check (that's what I did so they don't get hooked on you being there).

I had music playing, or a light with stars on their ceiling, or something to keep them company at that age. I even had an old baby bubble aquarium one of them liked from their crib days that played as they drifted off.

Something soothing, make sure you block the light out if that bugs him. You want that room to be relaxing - especially if he's learned to dread it (ripping it apart, etc.)

It will come :)

My son was hard like this when it came to sleep and stubbornness. He would get more wound up the more tired he got. He stopped napping at age 2.5...although every once in a blue moon I could still get him to nap. I think you should move your son's bedtime earlier...at 7pm EVERY single night have him do a nice bath. Then brush teeth. Then read to him for 20 minutes...calmly and quietly in his room. Then sit with him and rub his back for a bit whispering it's time for sleep, or sing his bedtime song with the lights out. Do this every single night at the same time. I personally would not be so afraid of melatonin...ask your pediatrician and give it a try. Who knows...it might help. My friend gives her daughter sleepytime tea each night at storytime. I have another friend who puts on a little meditation recording for kids telling them they are sleepy and going through the parts of the body that are feeling relaxed. I would stop with the alone time if he's wide awake and full of it. I would instead read some more and then lights off while I softly say time to sleep and give a back rub till he starts calming down. Every night. Same boring routine. 7pm. Good luck!!! PS - You have some great advice below. No screen time in the evenings bc it winds kids up. Remove toys and stuff from his room. I've heard of lots of parents doing this...the room is just for sleeping. Remain calm and quiet yourself even if you are frustrated. I personally was a big fan of getting my kids outside right after dinner at this age to tire them out. We would go on a walk, trike ride, bike/scooter, etc. Then we'd come home for bath and bedtime. I think the fresh air and exercise, no TV or screens, and then the bedtime routine really helped. Some kids have WAY more energy to burn than others!

I'm sure you already know this, so this may be silly to say...But for us, it helped to make for certain that we had a clear 'wind down' time with my kids.

We're not at all a family of routine (although I wish we were!!) but nighttime/bed has always been one thing I've strived to make as routine and consistent as possible. We've always found that it helps to get the kids understanding that once the nighttime routine starts (teeth brushed, PJ's, story) then sleep follows.

However, I agree with a PP. Right now, your main concern needs to be assuring THAT he sleeps, not so much where. If he falls asleep on the couch...how about a sort of a temporary pallet there for the night?

Also, how is he with potty training during naps/nights? Maybe it's a possibility that he's staying up because he needs the bathroom?

Hugs to you!! Deepest sympathies with not getting sleep! (been there, done that, sadly.)

If he falls asleep on the couch - he is falling asleep.
What does he do there that he doesn't do in his room?

What we did from a young age with our son was - we ALL went to sleep when he did.
(And quite often - when he had a nap - we took a little siesta of our own.)
The house was dark and quiet, nothing else was going on, we did bath, story time and then at least for awhile I sat near his bed and did some of my own reading to myself for awhile while he dozed off - and then I went to my own bed.
Our son napped till he was 7 yrs old.

They had quiet time through kindergarten and his teachers were so surprised he slept so soundly - but they said he really seemed taller after nap time - like you could almost watch him grow.
He was 4 yrs old when he shot up 4 inches that year - and he did it again at 6 yrs and 8 yrs old.
I had a hard time keeping him in clothes that fit.

In first grade he was a grumpy kid - no more naps during the school day - but he sometimes caught a quick nap when he got home from school - and on weekends he napped.
Sleep is important for growth and brain development.

If you are really having trouble then talk with your pediatrician about it.
If I were you I'd let him sleep when ever and for as long as he wants to.
He needs that sleep.

Good gracious! You tried to keep him awake all night? Don't EVER do that again!!!

You need to stop micromanaging this child's sleep! No TV after dinner. No running around or loud playing. Bath, brushing teeth, read books in his room. Nothing in his room that you are worried about hurting him or causing him problems. Say goodnight and close his door. Go to bed yourself. If he comes out of his room, walk him back in and tell him to go to bed. Shut the door and go back to bed yourself. When you have been 100% consistent with not allowing him to come out of his room, he will get BORED by himself and will finally start learning to let go and allow himself to go to sleep. It will take time. YOU cannot do this for him. HE has to do it.

You need to have a very consistent schedule for him during the day that does not include nap time. Keep him active and busy.

You are letting him live like he has continuous jetlag. He cannot get into a schedule like this. No sleep during the day, no big stimulus at night. He won't go to sleep at night because he knows you are awake and he doesn't want to miss anything. This is bad for your son's brain development and it's terrible for you and your husband. You MUST make him stay in his room. As long as he is in his room, that's what matters. Eventually he will sleep, even if he's laying in his floor.

All kids are different. My first had a hard time sleeping and didn't sleep until she started reading in bed at 4 for 20 minutes before lights out. My second just went off to bed.

3-4 is a hard age for sleep. With my third child, when she started to fight sleep at 3, I started a routine that worked for her. We read, and then I sing her a song and tell her a story. Have you tried putting him in his bed and singing and telling a story? Many times they will just fall asleep. Watch for a few big yawns, and then snuggle into bed with him and tell a story. If he insists he doesn't want to be along, is scared, tell him you are going to get ready for bed yourself and then come back and see him. Go away and don't go check for at least 15 minutes.

Yes, drop the nap. Keep him awake and then move to an early bedtime (no later than 7). Get in PJs, brush teeth, potty at 6:30 and then read by 6:50. Then climb in bed together (or lay on the floor with him in bed) and tell a story, sign. Spend a good 10 minutes with him when he is "settling" in.

The nap transition phase is very hard. Just figure out a new schedule that will work for you, and then keep to it. If he falls asleep in the car, wake him up! You need a few weeks to get a new routine on track.