My 3 Year Old Will Not Talk to Other Kids! Any Advice Would Help!

My 3yr old daughter was kind of the same way, but she would also be very timid around adults at times too. But when she is home, she talks up a storm, and also has a very extensive vocabulary. But, I have to tell you...She started preschool this school year, and has improved tremendously! She now (4mos later) gets excited about seeing her "friends" at school. At her school conference, her teacher told me that she has seen a very big transition with my daughter from day one to the present. So, with that being said, it could be a comfort thing like it was for my daughter, in which case, being in the preschool environment could have a positive effect on it!
J.

Hi M.,

I'm a preschool teacher and a mom, and my little boy was pretty similar until recently. During the summer, he wanted *nothing* to do with most other kids his age, besides the older girl (she's in kindergarten) who lives across the street, and I believe that started only because I traded care with her father. He does very much, still, prefer older kids and will still get into some parallel play with his peers at preschool. The teachers there have been great about finding more outgoing older children to just sort of grab him by the hand and bring him into what they're doing. Otherwise, he's quite the hang-back-and-observe type.

In your situation, the familiarity of your daughter's cousin may make things feel more predictable for her. I don't know your daughter, and it may likely be more of a comfort-based choice not to engage directly with the other kids than it is about language; I've taken care of some very articulate children who were just more comfortable with adults/older kids/familiar kids than the group at large dynamic. Sometimes, children with Aspergers have a harder time picking up the social cues that come easily to other children. That said, I have also seen this corrected, too. However, if your pediatrician isn't worried, I'd take that off my own list of worries until proven otherwise.

And, (I'm going to add an AND here, but it's important) it may be that your daughter's personality is more introverted, and there's nothing wrong or bad about this. It's hard to watch our children seem unwilling to be social, however, while most of us develop these skills, it comes much more easily for some than others. There's a great book called "The Introvert Advantage" that may be good reading for you sometime in the future if you think this might be part of your daughter's personal makeup. I myself am introverted and while I love teaching preschool and my close friends, *groups* are not my thing at all. I love the one-on-one's with friends over coffee or a drink--this sort of activity fills me up--, but find myself mentally and physically exhausted and drained after any large group activity, even with groups of people I like. :)

Please know that your teachers can gently guide and help your daughter, and PM me if you want some suggestions for that. It's not a guarantee, but I have some games/activities which present opportunities for kids to participate in very safe-feeling activities with other children. Otherwise, give her lots of time, plenty of love, and best of all-- don't talk about it in front of her. That will only serve to concern her and make her more self-concious. Lots of kids go through this stage, and it may take a lot of time in preschool before she is ready to assert her personality!

Best Wishes,
H.

I don't know if this fits or not, but have you looked at selective mutism. It's an anxiety disorder. I have a 15 year old who is selective mute. We didn't have her diagnosed until age 10. Treatment is much easier the younger they are. We just kept saying, she's shy, and figuring she would out-grow it. Hasn't happened.

Have you arranged a play date with someone from school? See if that would help, having a child on their own turf, so to speak.

My niece is the same way. She's 4. I work in their sunday school room and she doesn't talk to any of the kids at all! She's a chatterbox with adults that she's comfortable with or her cousins. We just figure it's something she'll outgrow.

My 3 yr old son is the same way, except he hardly talks to adults either. Especially if I am there. The one's he feels comfortable with yes, but otherwise no. He has a few friends outside of school (he's also in 2 half days) that he has no problem playing and talking to. But in school he never says a word. I think its just something they are going to have to grow out of. I have had my son around other people and kids his whole life and most of his friends are very outgoing and talkative. Its just not his style. I think our kido's will be fine. They are just introverts I guess.

My daughter does this too (she is about 3.5 years old) and is EXTREMELY social at home with an extensive vocabulary and will play with her 2 year old brother....but, when it comes to school, she is EXTREMELY SHY around the other students, will parallel play but not play directly and shies away from talking to them. I am not quite sure how to get her to snap out of it. She doesn't have any of this with adults or her cousins (they take off hand in hand and run around like crazies together -- girls 3 and 4)....but just other preschool children.

Let me know if you find a magic cure!

If your mama instincts are flashing danger, get it checked. At the least, it will dismiss your fears.

I would guess (am only reading one paragraph of your life) that it is nothing to worry about. In this situation, I would model talking with the other kids and speak for your daughter whenever the situation arose. That way, she would hear the conversations and hopefully start doing it as well.

I've done this for other situations (like picking up toys) and know that when the child starts doing what she's seen happening, it's as if she thinks she's done it all along. So I know the modeling is helping.

I know I am getting to this posting a little late, but I wanted to add my two cents. I don't think you have anything to worry about. I went through the same thing with my son. He is almost 5 now and is very slow to warm up to people he considers strangers. At home, he is a talking machine. At 3 years old, we also put him in preschool. The program started in September. He did not talk to the teacher until February of the following year. We had no idea. He always got fantastic reports from school & would talk nonstop about what he did there. When only found out when we had a parent/teacher conference in January. The teacher told us he is a great student, listens to all instructions & plays very nicely when they have free play. We asked him about this and he said he just didn't want to talk. We told him that was ok as long as he did what was asked of him and if the teacher asked him a question, he should respond. Well, about May he decided to talk to a few of the other kids. Now this year, he is in the same preschool and the teacher can't believe how much he talks. He answers questions, talks to the other students and even talks about things he did while he was not at preschool. When I asked him why he talks to the other kids now he told me because they were his friends and he likes too.

So apparently it just took some time for him to feel comfortable. He is still shy when it comes to people he doesn't see on a regular basis, but I am so thankful for the preschool giving him time to develop on his own. The socialization is exactly what I was looking for in the preschool program and they exceeded my expectations by far.

As I said, I don't think you have anything to worry about. Maybe she just doesn't want to talk. I did try to explain to my son about not being rude and he should respond to others when they talked to him. Before we would go anywhere (ie doctor's exam) that I knew he would not be familiar with the person, I would tell him why we were there. What they were going to do and tell him that I would be there the entire time. Then I would tell him that I expected him to answer any of the doctor's questions, but other than that he did not have to talk if he did not want to. The first few appointments he would only talk the bare minimum, but this last appointment, he was talking to the doctor for 10 minutes about a commercial he say on tv. I was laughing so hard because I felt sorry for her.

Your pediatrican is not the appropriate professional to evaluate Asperger, and at age 3, first let me say that you have a an issue that could be associated with and ASD, and it would be common at this age to begin to see oddities that suggest an ASD, or any other high funcitioning neurlogical issue, but you have to know why they are not socilalizing, not simply that they do not. If she preferes adult company, or familiar younger company, that may also be something to look at, but, most kids with asperger would take the time to find out that the other children had a vastly inferior vocabulary, and take that opportunity to try and teach them, and when they were met with rejection, leave for the more accomodating adults in the room who will listen without rejection.

If it were me, I would focus on langague and speech, and explore an evaluation with a speech therapist, and see if selective mutism can manefest a peer to peer presentation. The kids I have seen with selective mutism usually refuse to speak outside of the home at all, but that does not mean that there could not be variations of this issue.

Don't rule anything in our out without an evaluation from the appropriate kind of professional, and while pedatricians can help you screen and can (hopefully) refer you to the specialists who can evaluate, they cannot themselves tell you anything diagnostic. Few really understand this very well at all, so if you have other issues that pop up, and there are many things that kids with asperger do that make us proud early on that we do not see as issues, so keep your mind open to these things, and find out via evalution with a developmentalist. I aways worry that parents who have a doctor who is not qualified to do so says it is not something that if they are wrong, and many are, parents will delay evalaution far beyond a time that would be helpful to their child. I would very much suggest that you disregaurd what you pediatrician said about asperger, and not use this experience in the future if you have more cause to evaluate because asperger is a really individual, case by case, kind of diagnosis, and girls present in much more subtile ways than boys do, and boys make up the vast population of kids with ASD, so it is easy to miss in girls for a longer time. Just saying, been there, done that.

M.

I second the suggestion of looking into selective mutism. At least Google it and see what you think.