My 4-Year Old Talks Back

Updated on June 01, 2009
T.D. asks from Burnsville, NC
15 answers

Hi. My four year old son has started having trouble with his mouth and anger the past two weeks. He is constantly talking back to me when I tell him something or punish him for something. I've never had this problem with him before as far as his anger goes. Yesterday I punished him for something and he got SO MAD he almost hit me. He stopped and I asked him what was he doing and he said "I just want to hit you!". I am not one of those paranoid moms, but it does concern me, because his great-grandfather and his grandfather (my Dad) had HUGE anger management problems. (Jake is A LOT like his grandfather physically; looks more like him than me or my husband! He even has his exact features and his way of walking and sitting. And it wasn't copied, because my Dad is deceased) They were both abusive to their spouses. I have not continued this cycle, but I am worried that there is something genetically there. I am aware that his environment plays a huge part and he does not see any of that stuff in his world, but there is the whole debate of "nature vs. nurture". Just not sure how much genectics comes into play. Any thoughts?

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

Featured Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.H.

answers from Chattanooga on

sit him in a time out chair and walk off and don't talk back to him ,they hate time out and that will worn him down he will not do this talk back and anger and hit you back again and after he get through his time out, ask him why you put him in time out and make him give you a hug then you let him off the time out I have seem this on nanny show I love her! She is so wonderful helping this parents this day. Maybe he is not around his father much but he does need his father more and enjoy games with him and you both can enjoyed family together.I think this will help him grow in a loving little gentleman .MS

More Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

V.C.

answers from Wheeling on

This sounds more like a 'temperament/personality' thing than a genetic thing. I've done quite a lot of study of the temperaments and find it so interesting (and accurate). I've even come up with a 'theory' or 2 of my own - from experience (not from reading).

Here are the basic types:

Sanguine/Otter: Happy-go-lucky, ultra-positive, never met a stranger, life of the party, 'L@@K at ME' attitude, forgetful/scatterbrained. (this is me about 75%).

Choleric/Lion: Strong-willed/powerful personality, purposeful/goal oriented 'Get-r-done' mentality (even if you have to run over other people and their feelings. This is me about 25%).

Melancholy/Beaver: Perfectionist/neat, loves routine and feels insecure without structure, negative (sees the glass as half empty. This is my husband about 30%),

Phlegmatic/Golden Retreiver: Loves PEACE, laid-back/don't make waves attitude, avoids confrontation, prone to seem lazy, stubborn when bossed. (This is my husband about 70%)

And here's a link to another good explanation/description:
http://weirdblog.wordpress.com/2007/02/22/personality-typ...

I would guess that your little one is mostly the last one (Phlegmatic). He needs more understanding than discipline, because he really WANTS to please everyone, but something has probably happened that he feels insecure, frustrated, and/or threatened in his emotions and self-worth. Although he's compliant, he needs to feel that he still has a CHOICE about whether to do what he's told or not, but he WILL do it if you give him a few seconds to 'decide' (on his own).

My (self-prescribed) theory is that the Choleric's motto is, "I'm gonna do what I wanna do, and you can't STOP me!" (strong-willed) And the Phlegmatic's motto is, "I'm NOT gonna do what YOU tell me to do, and you can't MAKE me!" (stubborn)

The more gentle and understanding you can be with him, the better if this is his temperament. I know that if your personality is like mine, it's hard to do, but you CAN do it!!

God bless!

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.L.

answers from Lexington on

My name is S. and I have 3 children. 9, 7 & 4. It interests me that this is something that just started. When my children start acting contrary to normal for them, I have to ask my self, "did something happen to cause this". One thing I've noticed especially for young ones like your children is that they thrive on routine and if something disrupts that, they get a little insecure because they don't know what to expect. So look back and see if something disrupted his sweet little life and maybe that's the issue. Be consistant with him especially in discipline. Children need to know their boundaries especially at this age, it makes them feel safe.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.D.

answers from Raleigh on

I would trust your instincts on this one. If your son does have the same anger management problems as your dad and granddad had, then I think your best bet is to help him figure out how to cope with it at an early age.

A child therapist would be a great idea. Find one that he clicks with who can teach him coping skills, like counting to ten or timing himself out or whatever they decide will help.

I also want to recommend EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) as a coping tool. It works really great for anger on children. You can either find an EFT therapist or use it on your own. It is a tapping technique on acupressure points.

http://www.masteringeft.com/GuestArticles/Brandons_Story.htm

http://www.emofree.com/Children/children-anger-rage.htm

http://www.emofree.com/anger-management/josh.htm

http://www.naturalmatters.net/article.asp?article=1460&am...

There is a free downloadable manual at www.emofree.com and a free tapping points summary at www.tapping.com.

I also love this nightly routine:

http://www.emofree.com/tutorial/tutorofifteen.htm

I think it is great that you are looking into ways of helping your son now. It will definitely pay off in the long run.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

V.M.

answers from Memphis on

Abuse does not result from anger issues. It is a control & respect issue. Abusive spouses are cold and calculating. They can hide this personality from others which proves it is not an anger issue. As a matter of record, they will hit someone even when they are not angry just to prove that they have the power in the relationship. Having said that, 4 year old test boundaries just as Amanda said. Your son was clearly able to verbalize and correct his behavior at your prompting. Continue to teach him so he can learn self-discipline and how to function respectfully in relationships. You are very correct to assume that if you don't teach him now, later he could end up out of control with you or a future girlfriend. But that's not because he is genetically predisposed to it. It would be more because you may parent him similar to how your mom or grandmom reared or treated any males. It sounds as if you are doing a great job keeping that negativity out of your household. Please continue to be the loving authority figure who rears him in when he tries to step out of bonds.

V.
High school counselor
Memphis, TN

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

E.M.

answers from Louisville on

talk to your sons doctor my daughter was like this and she actually has adhd. im not saying your son does but talk to your doctor

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.S.

answers from Raleigh on

Cheapest would be to research anger on the web, and buy a book. Some therapy sessions would be good, for all of you as a family. Obviously, something is affecting him, especially right now.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.Q.

answers from Miami on

My 4-year-old daughter also talks back to me and gets so angry that she throws things, kicks me, yells at me. I assume it is just an age issue. Just try not to lose your temper. I understand your son may have anger issues. Perhaps, you sit down with him right before the big blowout and ask him what is bothering him and what can be done to fix it.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.P.

answers from Greensboro on

Whether there is a genetic link or not who knows. Science is finding new things every day. Many children do test their limits though to see what they can get away with. Regardless, this behavior needs to be stopped. When he gets like that get down on his level and let him know that his behavior is not acceptable. Give him a time out or take away a privilege. If you let this behavior continue it will just get worse.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

R.G.

answers from Louisville on

T., I've never been one to ascribe to "the latest fad" solution for whatever. And I don't believe herbal remedies or holistics are a panacea either. There is definitely a place for these but they should be approached with full awareness. And some herbal remedies can not only not help but actually make certain conditions worse. In all medical matters, lean on your doctor's expertise. (S)He is your best ally in healthcare. Discuss any proposed herbal or holistic treatments with him or her. Understand the side effects and any other ramifications before using any non-FDA controlled and certified treatments. And child rearing is never so easy as saying, "I'm the boss. You do what I say. Period." Children are not our property, they are our responsibility. We don't own them but rather they are entrusted to us to care for, nurture and train.

Now, as for you son, specifically ... you say his grandfather and grt-grandfather had anger management problems. As others have already mentioned, this is likely not a genetically inherited condition so much as it is a combination of learned behavior and a certain predisposition. (Despite the fact that Dr. House doesn't believe in co-incidences sometimes they do occur -- more often than most of us realize.) You don't say whether you have brothers who might also have anger management issues but, in your son's case, he may well have a predisposition toward a hot temper. That does not mean that he will grow up to be a volatile spouse abuser. What's differnt between your son and your father? YOU! You have recognized his proclivity toward an explosive temper and you are now better armed than your grandmother or grt-grandmother might have been to teach their sons.

Your little one sounds as though he is quite intelligent. He WANTED to hit you when he got angry but he reined himself in and, when you called him on it, he readily verbalized his feelings. Four year olds generally do have a difficult time expressing their feelings. That is why they resort to physical expressions like hitting or throwing things. Your son is already ahead of the curve because he has recognized that this is not acceptable behavior.

Sometime when he is not angry and you are both calm, pull him close and talk to him about his anger and his most recent tantrum. Encourage him to talk about his feelings. "You know, this morning when you were so mad and you wanted to hit me? You know that's wrong, don't you? I know you sometimes get angry. That's okay. Everybody gets angry sometimes, even Mommy. And sometimes you get so mad you just don't know what to do, don't you? That's hard, isn't it?"
Keep your voice soothing and inviting so that he will not feel as though you are judging or blaming him. Be sure to let him know that anger is natural. And make him understand that it is important to learn how to deal with that anger. Invite him to work with you to find a better way of coping with his anger. Tell him it is okay to just tell you, "I am so angry right now I just want to hit you."
Assure him that you understand and, if he tells you he is angry, the two of you will be better able to talk about what is making him so angry, what you may have done to make him angry, and what the two of you, together, can do to change the situation.
It is important to validate his anger instead of punishing him for being angry. Let him feel comfortable in being angry so that he can accept it as well.
Don't make him feel like he is 'bad' for acting out, but ask him to help you find solutions.
"Well, we can't be breaking things or hurting people just because you get mad. So, what do you think we should do to help you get over being angry and remember not to do things like that (breaking/throwing/hurting as a means of expressing anger).
And when you do see he is getting angry, call him on it. "You're getting really angry again, aren't you? What do you think we should do?"
Find harmless avenues to vent his anger. (My grandson is older than you little one but, when he gets volatilely angry, my son gives him a loaded paint ball gun... harmless but BOY! does it relieve the stress and anger!) You might consider keeping water bomb balloons around and, when your little one gets REALLY angry, fill up a couple dozen and the two of you can go outside and have at it playing 'dodge bomb'! Not only will it relieve his anger, it will relieve your stress over the situation, and the two of you will be sharing some wonderful together time. Find other stress relievers. And allow him to offer solutions to the problems. They may not be viable but it will help him to get his anger

Remember: when children do things they ought not, they are not being bad, they just need to learn the right way. We are their teachers, not their wardens. Punishment should be reserved for the seventeen year old who deliberately does something he knows is wrong and for which he knows he will be subjected to retribution for his "crime". And even then we like to think of 17 y/o as being 'grown up' but they are still going through a learning process, too. They are still kids, even though they look like adults in many ways. *sigh* Parenting is not for sissies!

Good luck

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

P.B.

answers from Raleigh on

Be sure to let him know it is ok to have his strong feelings & it is important to let him express them, help him find ways that are acceptable to express those feelings. And remind him what is not acceptable. (I know you feel very angry right now, but it is not ok to throw toys. Would you like to yell into a pillow?)

My (4 & 6) kids know they can tell me what they are angry about & wont get in trouble for it. It does give them a sense of control... if they are allowed a way to feel what they are feeling, after he calms down a little, talk about why he feels that way. Patience may help you discover a surprise source (fear of change/the neighbors cat died/etc)

This book helped me A LOT. You can check it out at the library:

How to behave so your pre schooler will too, by Sal Severe

We all go through this to some degree. You may discover a slight tweek in the way you manage him will show a huge turn around. That was my experience with the help of this book.

In the meantime, offering him some control in other areas of his life like choosing his clothes or breakfast or helping make dinner or set the table can be helpful.

Good luck!

P

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.P.

answers from Santa Fe on

Check out his diet -- sometimes certain foods set off "anger" triggers in people. I usually blame artificial ingredients and additives for a lot of it, but my friend's husband gets "scary angry" (her words -- I've never seen it) when he eats corn or soy -- and those things are in *everything*! (So she cooks a lot from scratch, and has a lovely husband.) I would recommend the Blood Type Diet, because that's what my friend did with her husband, which is how they discovered what foods triggered his anger; my husband and I are on it, and have noticed significant improvement in several areas of our lives in just a few weeks.

If you want to "attack" the behavioral front, the book I would recommend is "The Heart of Anger" by Lou Priolo. Excellent!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.C.

answers from Charlotte on

At 4 years old they are way more independent than I remember being. They are trying to test their boundaries by not so much trying to see what they can do but what they can get away with. Stay consistent in disciplining him for bad behaviors. When you punish him do not talk to him. Tell him his punishment, enforce it and go on. Do not talk to him, and if his punishment is time-out - sit him there and walk away making sure he stays there. If his punishment is to take something away from him - take it way and tell him why and say nothing more. Do not argue with him. Remember - you're the parent, what you say goes and he shouldn't question it or fight against it. When you are not punishing him and you are just sitting together talking - talk to him about his anger. Explain to him the concept of rules and the consequences of breaking them. Let him know it's okay to be upset but it's not okay to act out in anger. Most of the time it's just a phase they go through. I too was raised by an abusive parent and can tell you it worried me when my now 8 yr old son was behaving that way. It was a phase and he stopped doing it although it took about 6 months of tough love to get him through it.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.P.

answers from Raleigh on

My daughter is 4 and a half, and we have lots of issues lately with her back talk, stomping, huffing and puffing, threatening to hit (although she hasn't yet) and general attitude. I have asked every mom of a four year old I know if they are having this issue and they ALL are, boys or girls. One friend said she had talked to her pediatrician about it and she was told this is a regression back to terrible 2 type behavior that is normal and they will outgrow it around age 5. So I am trying to remember that this too shall pass. And not laugh at her when she telss me I am not nice and she is going to feed me ground up bugs whenever she gets into trouble (which with her mouth and attitude is a lot lately). Hang in there!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

E.F.

answers from Louisville on

My sister-in-law has a similar issue with her son. Her soon-to-be ex-husband is a brute and their 5 year old son is a total clone. He has gotten in trouble at school for violent outburst. She would agree that this is an important issue to be taken very seriously.

Punishment doesn't correct this type of behavior. He needs to learn to control his impulses internally. A good chld therapist can help you with figuring out which methods work best for him. Your pediatrician or an employee assistance program can help you find a therapist in your area.

Having a child therapist in your parenting tool box is always a good thing. We visited one for a while after my son experienced a painful medical trauma. It was incredibly helpful. Now he wants to be a doctor.

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions

Related Searches