I am working on my 7 year old daughter being more in charge of her destiny at school (responsible for homework, interactions with students, etc) However, I took my 5 year son on a field trip this past Tuesday and picked my daughter up to take home when we got back, about 30 minutes before the end of school. Later on Tuesday night, she told me she got yelled at because another little girl (who's name I have heard more than once as not being a nice girl) told the teacher that my daughter hit her in the face. My daughter has NEVER hit anyone in the face and rarely even does anything in retaliation if our youngest hits. So I just can't see this as happening. The teacher yelled at my daughter (in her words, very well could have been a strict tone) and would not let her give an explanation. I did not get a note home. So I told my daughter to just stay away from this little girl and stay with her friends. Yesterday she came home and said the girl brought in a show and tell thing and let everyone look at it. When it was over, my daughter told her she really liked her project, to which the girl responded by saying "It really bugs me when you say that and I wish you would stop." (A bug and a wish - not sure what other schools do that.) So I am annoyed because I feel like my daughter is trying to be friendly and this little girl is just being flat mean to her. So should I give this another day or so and see what happens or send a note in with her to have the teacher call me? I want to let my daughter handle things, but it seems like things with this one little girl will get out of hand quikcly.
(I also dropped her off on Tuesday and we have to wait with them until the bell rings. About 5 girls from her class ran in and just came over and started typical 2nd grade chatting...smiles, laughs, over excitedment, etc. My daughter has always had these type of relationships. She is nice to everyone even if she doesn't really care for them.)
Thank you mama's for the great advice again! I'm going to a Halloween party this afternoon with her class, so I am going to keep an eye on how they interact with each other, if they do, and see if i can find out what is going on. I definitely want her to be able to handle things on her own, but want to also support her in dealing with these things at such a young age. I don't remember dealing with these things in 2nd grade. But I'll see today if it is my daughter being overly sensitive or this girl going out of her way to be nasty. And I'll definitely ask the teacher what is going on if I see ANYTHING that makes me think there is a real problem.
I agree with Andra C. I am a former teacher and the mother of a girl who was bullied. Hubby believes kids should be left to work it out. The girls are not on the same leverl. The bully is stronger at manipulating, lying, etc...
Let the teacher know so she is aware and you know that she knows.
I wouldn't do anything unless your daughter gets blamed or punished again for something she didn't do OR if this girl starts going out of her way to make fun of your daughter or do mean things to her. Unfortunately kids can be pretty mean and often operate without the "filters" we have. We have to teach them to work things out for themselves. When it crosses the line into bullying (physical altercations, never letting up on teasing, changing your child's emotional state, etc.) -THAT is when we must step in. Keep telling your daughter to ignore the girl and let her know that unfortunately some people aren't very nice -even when someone is nice to them. Tell her it's actually very sad for those rude people, but when she comes across someone like that, it's best to completely ignore them and leave them alone. At her age though -don't be surprised if they're not best friends next week!
What do you mean about a bug and a wish regarding what the mean girl said?
I guess I'm not sure what you'd say exactly to the teacher? There's no bullying going on. And this other little girl has made it clear that at least for right now, she's not interested in being friends with your daughter. So what's the problem? This is all part of life.
I know it's hard to see your child upset and have other kids not return her friendship and kind words. However you said at the beginning of your post that you are trying to encourage your daughter to be more in charge of her own destiny at school. So why get involved with this?
From what you've said the "worst" thing that's happened so far is that you say your daughter was blamed by this little girl, and then the teacher for hitting. No note. No detention. Nothing.
If you're thinking of getting involved due to the "potential" of this situation to get worse, I'd wait. It doesn't seem like this other little girl is seeking out your daughter to bother her, physically threatening her or anything that's out of the ordinary of normal kid stuff. The reality is that not everyone is going to be friends with or even be nice to your daughter. No matter what you or the teachers do.
I think the best thing you can do for your daughter is NOT make a big deal out of any of this and this other little girl "rejecting" her. Keep her focused on her friends, being nice and having fun at school. If you are optimistic and don't drain all of your energy on these few negative things, then she will learn to do the same thing.
Now as a parent, do listen if she comes to you again complaining about this other little girl or the teacher reprimanding her. Do validate her feelings and talk about how she can handle herself in those situations. But I would only get involved if you think that she is being "threatened" in some way or if the teacher is not being fair. And even then, I would ask instead of accusing.
Best wishes. I know it's hard to watch kids struggle.
I have to respectfully disagree with the prior posters. When I had these issues as a kid, my mother let me "handle" it myself. It only got worse, and I felt like it was pointless to go to my mother with it again. Nor would the school do anything about it either. Seven year olds are unprepared to handle bullying, and being accused of hitting when she didn't IS the beginning stages of bullying. If the girl got away with it she will do it again, and it will get worse over time. I would arrange for a meeting with the teacher, to find out exactly what is happening, why your daughter was yelled at for hitting and you were not informed of it, and to inform the teacher that you are an involved parent and you expect to be notified of any and all future issues with this other girl. No not every kid will be friends with every other kid, but I would view the lying by the other girl as a red flag.
I commend you for letting your daughter be in control of this situation and offering her great guidance and reinforcing positive values!! Yeah mom!
I would give it another day to see if things calm down. If not, I would not send a note, but make time for a face-to-face with the teacher. I have found that the face-to-face eliminates any miscommunication that a note (or email) can create.
As so many smart moms have said before, approach the teacher with the scenario of you wanting your daughter to be independent and solve her own problems, but she is only 7 and the kids may need some support in working things out, etc. How is it that they handle disagreements in class/school and how can you reinforce at home. . . . make her your ally. She may be seeing the same thing and just need another adult to help work it out. She may also find ways to keep the girls seperated in classroom activities.
Good luck!
I always tend to say let them handle it themselves, but it seems your daughter doesn't have anyone on her side here. This kid can go to the teacher and rat her out, whether she did it or not (I have to be real) and watch your daughter get in trouble for it. Everyone deserves an opportunity to speak. I know you can't control how a teacher runs a classroom, but I still think she (teach) should have been approached regarding the issue, but on the side. As well yes you are right, she should stay away from this little girl and give things a big rest. I would give the teacher a call to get the teachers interpretation of what happened.
I wouldlet her handle it -- unless she keeps falsely accusing her of stuff. Your daughter (all kids) need to know that everyone they meet in school is not always "nice" or "their friend." My son tends to be really trusting and is friends with almost everyone. I tell him some kids will be his friends for life, some for a school year, some are just acquaintances.
you just can't micromanage every relationship. not everyone is going to like each other, and the teacher cannot be intimately involved in every single child-to-child interaction.
continue to support your daughter (who seems very poised and mature, good for you!) and let her handle this. if you try to pre-emptively deal with something that may not even occur, you are taking away her power.
khairete
S.
TO answer one posters "what's with the bug and wish thing?" I think some schools teach the children to tell other kids "It BUGS me when you ___ and I wish you would ____. " I taught my 3rd graders to say "Please stop. That bothers me." at least twice before coming to me to tattle.
As for your question MOM2 - I would let the teacher know very kindly that your daughter is very upset that she has been wrongly accused and then wronly bug/wished when she did absolutely nothing. Tell the teacher that you've told your daughter to just stay away from the girl. You know, as a parent, that it's nearly impossible to keep them away when there are group and class activities, but ask if the teacher could please possibly limit the two girls in group work or in table settings. Basically, just let the teacher know that even though she hasn't written you a note, you know what's going on and are not happy about it and would appreciate her cooperation.
I think the fact that you did not get a note home after the alleged "hitting" incident speaks volumes. The teacher and other students must not have seen any evidence of hitting, therefore, there is nothing to report. Your daughter is not being punished and is not in trouble. Likely, the teacher did not want to launch an investigation for truth, she just wanted the disruption to end. Your daughter being "yelled" at was probably more exasperation in the teacher's tone from having to continually deal with children not getting along with each other. Your daughter sounds very sweet and forgiving to try to reach out and say something nice to this other girl after what happened, and unfortunately, that girl continued to be unkind. I would tell her to actively ignore and avoid her as much as possible. It's a shame, but some people are always looking to stir up a battle. I wouldn't call the teacher at this point. But I would ask the teacher to help with some deliberate classroom separation IF she continues to treat your daughter so poorly.
Talk with the teacher- your daughter should definitely start learning to stand up for herself, but she's too young to negotiate this one without adult help.
The "bug and wish" thing is actually a really great strategy to teach children to use words to express their feelings and is probably part of the school-wide behavior management system (PBIS).
I would send a note to the teacher and request a parent teacher meeting.. Being face to face with the teacher, while you tell your daughter's side of it, will allow the teacher to see that she may have have judged your daughter too quickly before looking at both sides objectively. I know that there are wonderful teachers out there, but while raising my three children I have encountered many bully teachers, who can be very cruel at times, and if I felt my children were in the right in a situation like this, I would take a trip to the school and talk to the teacher.
If the adult is against her she will not be successful in handling this situation.
Tell the teacher she is usually a meek person and non-aggressive and that it'snot her typical personality to hit or be gruff.
You don't have to do it when your daughter is around.
The teacher may have a totally different perspective of what happened.
I would just send the teacher a quick e-mail/note asking for her to clarify what happened the other day. Just make sure it sounds non-partial to all parties involved. I've had to do this with things that happened in my sons class and gotten different stories. I usually word it something like "my son mentioned an incident with another student the other day can you please help explain to me what happened so I can talk to him about his choices and/or what happened". Once you hear back talk to her about it again get her feelings for how it made her feel and ask if she wants you to say something. When I ask my son I sometimes get a yes and sometimes a no that he doesn't want me to bring it up. I think he likes to feel like a big kid handling things by himself plus its a good life lesson in a very controlled environment. Good luck with it.
Your daughter sounds like such a wonderful little girl!
If the teacher actually thought she had hit the other girl in the face I believe there would have been a note home and some other steps taken. I used to run camps through the county school system and if a child hit another we were required to inform the parents and follow through on some sort of discipline. If the mean girl told the teacher your daughter hit her the teacher had the choice of either accusing the mean girl of lying, believing her and punishing your daughter for it, or, what I think she did, just try to diffuse the situation by saying: XXX, we do not hit in this classroom.
It is too bad that this girl was mean to your daughter when she gave her a compliment, but that is life. Not everyone will be nice and chances are this girl is mean because she has something going on in her home life. Best thing to do is to tell your daughter that this girl is just not nice and she should try to avoid playing with her, etc. If the mean girl is going out of her way to bully your daughter, get her in trouble and say mean things, then you should follow up with a teacher meeting to discuss the situation.
If you think your daughter wants you to step in at this point, then I would follow what other posters have advised and ask her directly if she would like you to go and talk to the teacher about it. Regardless, she will have to deal with this girl for the rest of the school year so it is also a good idea to give her some advice in how to handle different situations and practice it at home with role playing. Good luck!
Ask your little girl what she wants you to do-and be prepared to follow through. She is a little girl facing a grownup problem-being thrust together with someone who is unkind-I alomost said icky. Perhaps you could invite Miss Meanie and her charming mother for lunch? This will either break the ice-or reveal why the little girl behaves the ways she does.
I would meet with her teacher and get her teacher's perspective on the situation -- tell her that your daughter slapping someone else in the face is no typical behavior for her. The problem is that if the other little girl is being mean and your daughter is not -- meanness tends to control the situation. For her to handle it, you will have to teach her how to handle a mean person and that will mean that she will not be so nice at times. First, you have to hear from the adults what is really going on and give the school the opportunity to manage the other little girl. Also, the teacher should know that if there is an ongoing conflict between your daughter and another little girl that your daughter is not the problem -- and that at one point if she is, you are on board to make sure that she is behaving well. Your daughter having to manage someone being flat out mean to her at the age of 7 should be a last resort. One phrase we taught our daughter is, "I don't care what you say or think about me," which works well because it takes the power out of the insults both for the person being insulting and the person being insulted. Also, we have been telling her that if someone does not like her, she does not need to make an effort to be friends with that person.
