My 8 Year Old Is Upset Because Older Siblings Are Leaving.

I agree that for an 8 year-old, this is a grieving process. Nothing wrong with an ice cream celebration, but I would expect that getting over this will take a little time. Allow her to feel bad about this, listen to her. Then occupy her with eight-year-old things.

My stepdaughter moved out when she was 25 and my 8 year-old daughter was sad for a time, but soon realized that she didn't miss the "mothering" that her big sister tended to do. Now they talk on the phone and sometimes Skype, and it's OK.

You are doing the right thing by having them leave. Letting them stay would only enable them to continue adolescent behavior. Their departure will enable you to focus on the younger one, who really does need you. Things will improve with time. When she sees how peaceful your household becomes without the arguing, she will probably feel better (in the long run). My kids don't like change - of any kind...but change is part of life and kids need to learn that. Change is sometimes good, sometimes bad - but the only inevitable is that there will be change. You have to look for the best in the change and emphasize that.

Just wanted to say, so sorry you are going through this.
It must be really hard.... and for your 8 year old.

I have no ideas....
sorry.

Hopefully, your 8 year old does not get behavioral problems, because of it.... just keep an eye on that.
Or can she have counseling or something?
It seems a hard adjustment for her.

It is probably a type of "grieving" for her... a 'loss' of her siblings and family. For a young child, they may feel like that. Her home turned upside down.
But I do understand, your stance per your older kids.
it is not tolerable.
They make no effort.

Or, can you ALL go to family counseling?

Hugs,
Susan

I 'm in a similar situation, perhaps it is easier to hide all the arguments from my little one because he's only five. We simply tell him that when kids get to be that big, as big as their parents they usually move out on their own. IF at all possible I took him to see where they were living so he could picture that in his head. She should be protected from the details as much as possible. Our children CHOSE to move out rather than get along with us the very simple truth is they chose now to move out. Family will all be together at Holidays and birthdays.

Explain that had they been doing the right things, they would have been moving out anyway. Can you commit to maybe a weekly family dinner so it reassures the 8yr old that they are still very much family? If not weekly what about every other week or at least monthly?

My 4yr old misses her big brother but understands that he's away at college. She'll ask when he's coming home and we show her on the calendar.

Kids can't see the big picture. I would encourage the grown children to at least keep in touch with their little sister, even if they are angry with you. Let them have phone calls or skype or letters or visits, as long as they aren't back living with you. It's kind of like a divorce where the kid doesn't realize that life with yelling parents is not nrmal/not a good thing. I'm sorry she's hurting and confused. I would remind her that they made choices and these are the results of those choices. It's not about her and it's not her fault.

I think it is great that you are trying to get your children to grow up and be adults; that is not an easy thing to do, and I wish you luck in your future relationships with them. I hope they are able to figure things out for themselves.

I would say that after the 20 yr old leaves, take your little one out for ice cream or something and have a pleasant Mommy-daughter outing. Talk to her and tell her that her siblings are just going through a hard time right now and you are hoping that they will be able to improve their lives. I think she'll understand, especially once she realizes that the house is quieter without them and Mommy is more sane without all the drama around. Make sure to spend some good quality time with her over the next few weeks and talk to her a lot, and hopefully she will be fine. Good luck!

It's normal for your 8 year old to feel sad for losing her siblings. She's not old enough to understand the big picture, she only knows what she's used to, so you just have to be firm and explain it as positively as you can. Really, even if things were GREAT, kids often move out at 18 so just explain that to her. Tell her they were too old to live there, kids are adults at 18, and things weren't working out trying to help out and host adults, which wasn't your job, but you were trying to be nice, and you'll all be happier when things are as they should be with them on their own. Let her know she's a good sister for feeling sad and everything will be OK. It's kind of like a divorce. You have to be honest and firm and try to preserve her feelings as much as possible and comfort her. Good luck!

I'm twelve years younger than my eldest sister and ten years younger than the other. They moved out when I was seven or eight. It was hard at first, but I eventually came to like not sharing a house with my siblings. It was a lot quieter and I wasn't being exposed to horror films or movies with sex (saw "Child's Play" and learned about sex from a movie at about 4 or 5; I had nightmares about Westley from "The Princess Bride" being tortured to death with the Machine and attacked by the R.O.U.S.). Plus, I basically got raised like an only child since my sisters were gone and sometimes spent the night at my oldest sister's place which was pretty fun.

Kids at that age adjust to change quickly enough. Explain that her siblings are grown ups and need to move out and live on their own like other grown ups and someday she'll be doing the same (I always looked forward to that last bit). Maybe do something fun or buy a small gift, too. Dad usually took me out for ice cream when I was a kid. I'm sure she'll soon find that things are much better without yelling parents and siblings, but make sure her siblings keep in touch.

I also suggest that the 8yo is grieving which is a good thing. Allow her to "fall apart." Empathize with her, let her cry, reassure her that it's normal to feel so anxious and sad when her sibs leave under such stressful circumstances. Her family is falling apart.

Give her as much emotional support as you're able. Of course, even tho you're glad they're leaving, you must be grieving too. Perhaps not grief that they're leaving but certainly grief that they're acting the way they're acting. Grief that they're not willing to listen to you or follow any of your advice. Grief that the only choice you have is to tell them to leave.

Be kind to yourself and your daughter. Let her cry on your shoulder. And.....do some fun things together. Perhaps rearrange the part of the house in which the older sibs lived so that they feel like your house again.

And remember both of your will adjust. This too shall pass.

Hi, T.:

Why are you angry? Can you set the rules without anger?
Are you angry with yourself for being so lenient?

With that being said, Is there any way to sit down with your children an have a goal in mind? Talk with all your children with a calm voice and discuss how they will keep a relationship with the 8 year old.

Have you thought about having a dialogue circle with the family so these issue can be resolved peacefully?

Call the Good Shepherd's Mediation Center in Philly for a list of mediations in your area:

###-###-#### or e-mail ____@____.com
web site www.phillymediators.org

Good luck.
D.