My 8 Year Old Son Was Refusing to Eat Anything but Pizza Rolls/chicken Nuggets!

So after hardly seeing your wife and son for the last few years, you come home (if stationed overseas was for the military, thank you for your service) and start laying down the law and changing probably every single thing that your son (and wife) depended on for stability for the last few years. After ripping that all away and barking orders, you have alienated your wife from the people who have been helping her while you were gone, and completely confused your son, who, up until you came home, probably thought he was eating just fine.

I'd find a new therapist. I have a REALLY hard time believing that any therapist would stop contact with family like this. Find a therapist who specializes in military deployments and returns and the impact on families.

There are so many kids that go through picky phases and food refusal phases, that no one would make such a big deal about it. Not sure why you are? I feel like you arrived home and need to immediately take charge of every single thing . . . sounds a lot like the wife's family whom you state are "control freaks." I'm wondering who exactly is the control freak. Your family isn't comprised of soldiers who have to obey your orders. Again, seeking a therapist who is specialized in military families is critical.

Finally, pizza rolls and chicken nuggets do not have to be inherently unhealthy for you. You can make both of these items to be just as healthy as anything else you might cook - just look on the internet for new recipes that are healthier and then you BOTH get what you want.

By the by, I'm guessing those are not the ONLY two foods he is eating. He should be in school during the week and my guess is that the school lunch doesn't consist of these items every single day.

Name calling with your wife's family isn't cool. They aren't idiots for giving your child pizza rolls and chicken nuggets. They just wanted to get the child fed without a fuss. Can't argue if you give him what he wants. Totally not good food choices but you can't change what happened.

Don't make this all about food. Instead focus on health and making healthy choices. Model the behavior you want your son to have. Do activities together like going outside and kicking the ball around or taking bike rides together as a family.

I don't know what you hope to get out of therapy for your son. Personally I think your wife needs therapy more than anyone because she was put in a position to be a single parent while you were away and depended on her family for support when they were not supporting her as a mom. Standing up to family can be hard but she needs to learn those skills.

Keep in mind that the last thing you want to do is make this into a battle with your 8 year old. Never make food a point of contention. Kids have very little control over their lives, but they absolutely control what goes into their bodies! Also, making food into a battle will often lead to food issues later in life. There are many, many healthy ways you can change your son's eating habits.

First, don't just eliminate the food he likes. Use them to your advantage. Start out slow. Maybe start by including more fruit. Cut up an apple and tell him that he needs to eat 3 apple slices before he can have any pizza roles. Maybe give him 1 pizza role for each slice he eats, with the promise of more once he's finished the whole apple. Something along those lines. You can do the same with any food, but start out slow. Do it bite by bite, if you have to, but give your son as much control as you can.

Stay positive. Be very matter-of-fact about everything. If he gets upset and demands chicken nuggets, calmly say, "Absolutely. No problem. One more apple slice, and you get another nugget." Do not get upset. If you get upset, you only increase the tension.

Stop worrying about the aunt and grandma. They want to spoil him. That's their job. Relax. Honestly, just make a game out of it. If you know he's going to spend time with them, get excited with him. "Wow, Grandma's house! She let's you eat all your favorites. You are so lucky!!!" As long as you don't get upset or angry, you will still win! Just keep working with him, and he'll be fine.

Remember, there really isn't anything wrong with what he's eating (especially if you supplement with fruits and vegetables). Expanding his menu would be nice, but this is really not one of the most important things to focus on. Relationships with people in much, much more important. Right now, you need to focus on winning everyone over. You need people on your side, not enemies.

Working on improving your relationship with your son, with his aunt, with his grandma and with his mother is much, much, MUCH more important that what your child eats.

If your being stationed overseas was for military service, then first of all, thank you for your contribution. If it was for a civilian job overseas, I can see that it put a great strain on your family as well, so that's very difficult.

It's understandable that your wife wanted/needed help from family while you were away, and it's customary for grandparents and aunts and uncles to be less strong on the discipline, however frustrating that is for the parents. I think it's very understandable for you to want to take more of a role in the childrearing since you've been home, but you have to do this "re-entry" more gradually, lest your child resent you. No parent should turn food choices into a battle because the child a) has the control and b) will resent it, but it's worse if you make a sudden and abrupt change after not being in the picture for a while. The child will make this about YOU being the problem, and you don't want that.

I think calling your wife's family members names is going to let such hostility build up, it's going to be a problem for you. And your child, for better or for worse, was used to these 2 caregivers while you were gone. I think it's better to say "It's time for Daddy to have a chance to integrate into the family we were lacking for so long while he was away" rather than "you're idiots and control freaks." I gather that the therapist thinks that more consistent structure will help with the ADHD, so you (or better, you wife) can say that as well: "Shuttling our child back and forth to different houses makes this disability so much harder to manage, and while we appreciate all that you did for us while D. was away, it's time to focus on a more consistent routine in our own home."

They should not be imposing their routines on your home, and so they should only visit when invited. They need to take a step back from the parenting - which, by the way, your wife may be have been too careless about delegating to them. So, while family is important and inviting them over is nice, it has to be by invitation only. Your wife should handle this. If you were in the military, it's possible that you were used to giving or taking orders (or both) and so you think that works in civilian life. It doesn't. I understand your desire to assert your parental rights here, but it's going to backfire with your relatives as well as your child, and your marriage will suffer.

If there's screaming and hollering (such as by the other aunt), that's obviously negative behavior, and I hope your wife is the one who said, "I'm sorry, but we're not going to allow our child to be around that kind of talk." But again, if it came off as "D. doesn't like it so you're out" (even if that's not what she meant) or if you were the one to say,"You're out of our lives forever," it's the reason for this stress and strain you are feeling now.

Now, there are ways to handle a picky eater. Some of it involves making meal time (and meal preparation) fun, family affairs. Not "you have to eat this because it's nutritious" or "you have to stop eating junk," but more "this is fun family time and we're all eating great, fresh foods! Yum!" You can also learn to make super healthy chicken nuggets (I use wheat germ, bran and crushed almonds as the breading and frying in a heart-healthy oil like coconut or avocado or olive). You can make super healthy pizza by putting chopped spinach in the sauce and piling on veggies. You can expand to other things too: a child who likes getting take-out Chinese food can be gradually shifted to homemade stir fry meals with all kinds of things (we do amazing stir fry with tofu and chicken and a dozen different veggies with Chinese style brown rice). A child who likes Mexican food can be easily nudged gently toward a taco bar or a nutritious veggie & bean filled enchilada made at home. A kid who likes pasta can be shifted towards a nutrient-rich lasagna or stuffed shell meal with all kinds of hidden nutrition (I use tofu and cottage cheese with veggies in the sauce). So there doesn't have to be a ton of drama and control exerted all the time - parents can be team leaders and coaches rather than drill sergeants.

I'd suggest you and your wife work more closely with the therapist on what changes you can make in your daily interactions. That means making some stylistic and vocabulary changes to show more patience and cooperation. Your anger at the situation has to be something your child is sensing, and it's going to make everything more difficult. I'd also look into a cooking class meant for parents of kids like yours - check the Y for classes, and talk to the children's librarian about some of the great cookbooks with mouth-watering photos designed to make meals appealing to kids.

sounds like control issues run in the family.

your son is caught squarely in the middle, which makes battles over food pretty understandable. he can't control the squabbling and name calling and dirk-waving and pissiness, but he can control what goes into his face.

before you create a permanent issue in your child, i suggest that YOU go into counseling and learn how to deal with the other adults in your family who love your son, and how to speak to them without calling them idiots and bullying.

the ADHD may or may not play into it, and your family should certainly not be undermining your efforts, but you also should be appreciative of the fact that they love your son, they're helping your family, and don't need to be spoken to as if they're actually idiots, which i'm sure they're not.

kids go through food preference phases and most of them aren't a big deal. if you don't freak out about it, and simply provide nutritious food and let him decide when and what to eat, few children choose starvation.

he can't choose to live in a low-drama household, unfortunately. and that's the basis of his issues.
khairete
S.

So, two issues -

One - child is now picky eater and second - your wife is having hard time standing up to aunt and grandmother.

1 - You just have to expand what he eats. That just involves not giving in I'm afraid. Be consistent.

You can't blame all that on grandmother and aunt. I'm sure the majority of the time he is not with them.

2 - As for boundaries - it's up to you as a couple to come up with those together (therapist can help you). Then it's up to your wife to enforce with her family. You back her up but stay out of it. Be respectful.

ETA: I missed a chunk of your question the first time I read it. I see you're coming into this late in the game.

Know when to pick your battles. My friend's in-laws ran a convenience store. Her kids would come home and vomit every time from the candy. She just let it go. Mine would be hyper nearly every time.

You can get them back on track the next day - even mine, at age 4, knew that going there was a 'treat'.

You are the parents, you set the rules, and if they can not follow the rules they get ZERO contact with the child. It is way past time for you and your wife to make that perfectly clear and to stick to it.

If you and your wife truly feel grandma and aunt are contributing to his picky eating and they will not follow rules then absolutely keep him from going to their houses.

That being said, all of my kids were great eaters when they were little. Veggies, fruits, all meats etc. The younger two became increasingly picky as they grew up. I used to fight tooth and nail with the middle one about at least trying bites of things that he used to eat. It became exhausting and not worth my sanity.
As another poster mentioned, pick your battles. Kids go through phases. Since my younger two have such a limited pallet on healthy choices, I'm a stickler in other areas. Zero soda, no sugary cereals, VERY limited on any sweets they may get etc.
Our pediatrician said kids taste buds change and morph, and too keep offering but not let it make you insane.
Only buy the "better" chicken nuggets, all white meat, no preservatives etc. My kids will eat pizza with wheat crust.
Again, as for grandma and aunt you just need to put your foot down. Our grandmas live out of state, so there's no frequent visits, but when they do see our kids it can be trying as the popsicles, gum and candy seems endless.
Good luck!

You JUST got there and your child isn't going to conform to what you think is right or wrong just because you say it's what is right.

You need to take time, give him options and don't make mealtime a battle field.

So you might be a little right but not one person there is going to do what you want and by digging your heels in you're making them dig their heels in and they're all standing together against you.

So stop. Just take your time and allow your family to breathe. You will gain more of a foothold this way and you will be a good influence on your child and your family.

By the way, it's going to get better. Just give it time.

If contact with certain relatives is causing problems then less or no contact should help a lot.
If your wife needs help from anyone she can hire a sitter - she can't accept help from the people who are causing the problems.

They haven't given you much choice about any confrontation - you and your wife have to for the sake of your child.
As for the complaining - their numbers can be blocked.
They can complain up a storm but who cares?
You (and your wife) don't have to listen to it.
They need to understand that they are not in charge of your family, they can't make demands and trying to do so will get them cut off completely for a very long time.