My 8 Yo Daughter's Constant Crying Spells ***UPDATED***

Sounds like hormones. My daughter is doing the same thing lateley.......she will be 9 on Sunday and its like everything is the end of the world. Welcome to preteen hood early! Good luck!!!!!

Natural consequences.. Let her wear the dirty dress and let the other kids make fun of her.
They may or they may not even notice. Does it really matter if it is dirty or not?

To me it would not worth the battle.

You need to take another time.. a quiet time and have a discussion about the crying. Ask her to stop and think.. "why does she get so upset over things like the dress? Is she just tired? Was she upset with herself for not making sure the dress was clean? Is it her favorite dress and she wants to wear it at least once a week?"

Then guide her to make some choices so that she has some control and can take responsibility when it does not work out.

If this morning routine is not working for the 2 of you, discuss, how can we make this better? What can change? Ask her "What can you do to make mornings better for you?" Pick out clothes the night before. On Sunday, line up all of the outfits for the week?

Ask her to think about why she is becoming upset and then to use her words to tell you.

It does sound like she is tired, or stressed about something.. but SHE needs to try to figure out what it is.

Let her know you cannot help her, if she does not tell you.
Also you and your husband need to model the behaviors you want her to have. Speak out loud how you are making choices and decisions, so she can learn how the process works.

Also when these choices do not turn out great.. admit it and show her how you handle your emotions about it.. Show her how you deal with it.

Also crying.. is like whining in our house. If you are crying, I cannot help you or understand you. You need to go to your room until you calm down. Or you need to ask for what it is you want with a regular voice.

Our daughter also knew, she was not going to be late for school. If she had a fit one morning, the next morning, I was going to wake her up earlier to make sure she was not going to be late again.

And yes,.could be some hormone thing going on.. or it could just be a bad habit oe bursting into tears.. like whining. We never get what we want, if it is requested with a whine.

You're giving too much attention to this. Your husband should not be standing there telling her to breathe.

Next time, take her to her room, remove the dirty clothes, tell her that she has 15 minutes to get dressed or she will be losing (insert favorite thing here) for one week. Then shut the door.

Don't peek in on her or remind her. Just go about your morning business. If she opens the door and is not dressed, usher her back in and tell her "get dressed now." Shut the door again.

Stop feeding the tantrum monster.

She is trying hard to wear you down. And she isn't 5 - she is too old to be doing this. I think that you need to institute some hard consequences for this kind of behavior.

Never let her win, C.. I think number 2 was just fine - in fact, if you hadn't done it, you would just be ensuring that you'd have this fight in the future. Do what needs to be done, put her in the car and take her wherever it is she needs to go and be done with it. Let her be made fun of at school for her crying - it will help her learn that acting like a baby gets negative attention.

And then when she gets home, tell her that because of her behavior in the morning, she has lost "x" privilege. And if she cries because of this, that she will also lose "y" privilege. And make her cry in her room if she still chooses to cry. Take those privileges for 2 days - no exceptions. And don't waver.

If you don't require much of her to get her to stop this stuff, she will continue to try to manipulate you. Her saying that she is sensitive is bull. She wants what she wants and she is willing to scream for it. Take this bull by the horns and make her pay for her screaming so that she will learn to govern herself.

Good luck,
Dawn

I told my son this morning that if he wasn't dressed in 5 mins he would be going to school in his underwear. The tantrum stopped and after 30 mins of trying to get clothes on, he was dressed and out the door within minutes.
I did it once too, put him in the car half dressed and drove him to school. I brought pants for him to put on once we got there, boy was he thankful then!

Anyways, your post gave me a headache, all that crying would drive me insane! I would take a different approach... Instead of focusing on her reason for crying and how to make it stop, I would punish her for her behavior. Give her a long timeout until she calms down, have her write a little essay on how and why tantrums at her age are babyish and disrespectful, and teach her coping strategies.

When one of my kids decided to cry or throw a fit over something *ridiculous* I would make them do it in their room, with the door shut. I would say something along the lines of "if you want to get so upset, fine, but I don't want to hear it. You can come out when you calm down."
Giving her so much attention over this type of behavior just makes it worse, it's like adding fuel to the fire. She may not even understand why she's so upset, but if nothing else you can teach her that until she gets herself under control she needs to stay in her room.
As far as wearing dirty clothes to school? That's a battle I wouldn't fight. If she wants to wear a stinky, wrinkled outfit then let her. Honestly kids that age don't notice these kinds of things anyway, and if they do she will learn by natural consequences. That's the best way anyway! You can tell a stubborn kid a hundred times not to ride a bike down a steep hill but until they fall and get hurt they just don't get it. Some kids NEED to learn the hard way. My middle one is like that :(

Talk with her in the evening when she is picking out clothes for the next day. Remind her that mornings are not a good time for her to change her mind because she gets extra emotional. So together set some rules that she agrees to for the morning, no matter what. Write down the rules and post them in her room (she should participate in this process). Then when she tries to shake things up in the morning, quietly tell her to go check her morning "rules" and report back what it says. You can chart her progress with star stickers (2 for no tears, 1 for only a quick bout of tears, none for a lengthy crying session) and have a sticker goal for a reward.

It also sounds like she is not getting enough sleep or enough good quality sleep if she is so out of it in the morning. Something worth considering. Is she that emotional all day?

At her age, it is also appropriate to talk about and role play ways for her to respond to emotionally charged situations. She can work on recognizing how she is feeling and how to better address the situation than have a tantrum.

I have the same issue with my soon-to-be 6 year old son. I feel even at 6 he is too old for this. Just this morning he was in brushing his teeth getting ready for school and in the middle of it starts whining and crying saying he doesn't know how to brush his teeth.

We had a long, heart-wrenching (for me) talk in the car on the way to school. If it were really something he sometimes struggles with (tying shoes, etc.), I could empathize. But taking off a pair of pants or brushing teeth? He's been doing it for too long. He cried the rest of the morning and halfway to school in the car, a good 20 minutes, over brushing teeth. It's ridiculous.

Tonight, instead of getting to play with his toys, he will spend an hour brushing his teeth to make sure he "knows how" to do it, since he obviously was so distraught over it this morning. I am at my wits end as well. He is just trying to get out of doing something he doesn't want to do. He is going to learn the hard way that he won't get the priveledges of playing with his toys or maybe watching a cartoon show if he can't do the basic life tasks every day without a fit.

Please don't jump to the idea of her possibly being bipolar. This isn't medical.

You mention that you know that "when the hormones kick in it will be difficult," but the hormones are already started. It's normal and yes, it's a pain for parents and a trial for everyone.

Eight is a difficult, transitional age. Get some books about development and you'll find that eight is an age when kids of both genders tend to get extremely volatile about anything -- among my friends and other parents at our school, there was often discussion in the "age eight" year about how emotional our kids were, how they melted down in tears over nothing. Then a friend who is a school counselor said that this is completely typical both hormonally (that first rush starts about then; no, they're not in puberty yet, but the changes are starting even though their bodies may not be showing change yet) and at the same time they are developmentally between being little kids and heading into older-elementary territory. They want more autonomy but at the same time they also, deep inside, are scared of growing up.

All that is to say -- The clothing fight isn't really about clothing. It's partly about control, which she wants but doesn't know how to use when you try to give it to her (so she dithers and cries if you do what you think she wants and let her pick things out). And the meltdowns to every "No" are the same: Partly about her wanting to be in control, but probably partly about her also just being so tired and thinking she wants whatever is the opposite of whatever you say at that moment.

You're smart to remove yourself if you are getting stressed. And I know your patience is gone -- I've been there and so have all my friends with kids who went through this! But it's time to remiind yourself (and let your husband know too) that this is normal; it IS a stage that will trail off over time though it seems eternal just now; and the best strategy may be to pick battles, say no as little as possible, "catch her being good" and make a bigger deal over praising her than you might think is needed (she needs some extra emotional backup right now, so don't be afraid to praise her a lot for little things), and don't get angry at her for tears. Give her a little extra attention and some special outings for no particular reason. But also stick calmly to your "No" when it's needed and just add, "I'm really sorry you feel badly about that 'no.'" And leave it there.

You might want to get her "The Feelings Book" from American Girl. There is also a separate workbook that comes with it, like a diary a girl can use to record her emotions with some guidance from the book.If she is a good reader she might eat these up and they can really help -- my daughter still gets her "Feelings Book" out sometimes and it is a reality check and a support for them, written on their level.

If she continues to be so volatile, consider talking to the school counsleor on your own first, for your own realitiy check about what eight year olds go through, and then see if the counselor would like to see your child a few times to talk with her. Counselors tend to want to deal with school-related issues, so if this is affecting her school day, mention that fact.

Finally, about the specific issue of the clothes: Try this. On a very calm weekend when she does not have homework or places to be etc., and she is not emotional about something, take her out and let her help pick some new clothes. Don't take too long to do it or let her have five choices -- hold up two pieces and make it either/or. Finish up with a treat. Then go home and tell her your idea to have her pick all her clothes for each week in advance. There are cool shelves you can hang inside closets with days of the week on each fabric shelf, and you put your clothes in each box. Tell her she is old enough to take over that task and make it sound fantastic. Then help her do it and tell her she can switch Monday's clothes for Friday's or whatever and you won't care at all. That might give her some control and make it all fun --and it will prevent a nightly fight and daily fight as you pick clothes day by day.

She's not bi-polar or sensitive ... she's PLAYIING you and your husband.

However, I would have let her wear the dirty clothes to school and let her deal with the consequences. If they call her a cry baby .. and she then comes home and complains/cries that they called her a cry baby perhaps that would be a good time to suggest she take a look at her behavior to see if they are right or not. If they make fun of her for wearing dirty clothes ... when she gets home and complains/cries about it ... say in a very calm voice "You chose to wear the dirty clothes." and leave it at that. Do not discuss it any further. She's 8 .. she's plenty old enough to understand that sometimes (most times) choices have consequences.

She does this because IT WORKS. It gets the focus squarely on her. STOP IT. when she cries (unless she's hurt or has genuinely been frightened) ... LET HER CRY. It won't hurt her in any way shape or form to have her tears ignored when there is in actuality NO REASON for them.

It will NOT get better unless you (and hubby) STOP GIVING IN TO IT.

I don't think your daughter needs medication. It sounds like she needs more sleep, possibly less sugar if she's eating a lot of it, and less attention paid to these tantrums.

Pick up a copy of Love and Logic. It teaches natural consequences.

I have a 10 yr old daughter who has been a drama queen her entire life. I find things go so much smoother with her when she's well rested, well-fed, and I'm practicing the techniques from Love and Logic. She will insist she won't need a jacket at school, so I let her go without it. She comes home telling me "You were right, Mom. I was so cold. I'm definitely wearing my jacket tomorrow".

I save my battles and my firm "No's" for safety or well-being issues.

Ignore the tears. Tell her "I will be ready to talk to you when you are calm, and when you have stopped crying". Then walk away. She will eventually realize that she's not going to get her way by crying.

Well others may disagree with me, but this wouldn't be worth the battle in my house. I let my 10 year old pick out her own clothes, period. If she really wants to wear something already worn, she can pull it out of her dirty laundry basket and wear it. She's not a toddler making big food and grass stains, and doesn't really have any sweaty body odor yet, so in the scheme of things, nothing is really that dirty. And if it was grossly dirty by chance, she would notice it herself after trying it on and change. Natural consequences. If her peers ask why she wears the same leggings all the time, or why she is wearing the same thing she wore 2 days ago, maybe it will give her pause. If there are other children she goes to school with that are going to reduce her to tears for repeating an outfit, it will probably only happen once before she chooses the clean clothes on her own. It's a control thing. There are a lot of things kids cannot control, but this one is OK for me to let go of. No great harm is going to come from some repeat clothing wearing. For whatever reason, those particular clothes, even if dirty, are going to start your DD's day out in a comfortable and positive way, which is the most important thing. If your DD cries over everything, I'd give her more control over the little things and save your battles for bigger issues.

My response has always been "You have a right to be unhappy and cry, but you DO NOT have the right to make me miserable. So, if you want to cry, go to your room and have at it BUT if you're loud enough for me to hear you out here, there will be a consequence."

If she can't be ready on time because of the crying, get her up earlier so she has time to do this cry thing and still be ready to go on time.

Basically, just ignor it. She can do it in her room, but she doesn't get an audience. And by the way, her saying she's "sensitive" - she's heard someone say that and now believes she has an acceptable excuse for her behavior.

Sorry, this drives me nuts when they pull this! This is a choice she is making. She is getting what she needs either negative or position attention when she does this. She is justifying by saying "I'm sensative". "Ah, no, its a choice and if you don't like the way I'm talking to you, then change the behavior" is something I have said to mine several times over the years. You don't need a support group or therapy or medication.

If she wants to wear dirty cloths let her.

Hi, C.;

You have already identified that you need some help in your parenting skills with her.

From what I gather from your information is you have some issues with this child. Have you assessed who she reminds you of? If not, think about it.
In the mean time, learn to give her choices so you don't have to say "no."

About the clothes: The night before give her 2 options to chose from the night before.

For example: Do you want to wear the red dress or the green shirt and pants?

If she wants to wear a dirty outfit, let her. The consequence may be, a student will make a remark about her dirty outfit.
What it sounds like you are trying to controll all of her life choices.
Have you thought about looking into a Co-Dependence Anonymous support group in your area?

Call me if you need to talk: ###-###-####

Good luck
D.