My Child Hates Me

My son went through a stage where he was very possessive of me and felt he was being loyal to me by pushing Daddy away. He was a very good boy for me, but occasionally I'd have to tell him 'No'. Weird thing was he couldn't bring himself to be mad at me for it, he'd blame Daddy for it. Basically he and Daddy needed some time alone together to build their relationship. Kids will go back and forth favoring one parent over the other, and that's normal. I don't think bowing out right now and leaving her all to Daddy is the thing you need to do.

One of my twins favors me, and the other favors hubby. It's very frustrating when he's awlays whining for him. But when I'm away, he whines for ME! It is a toddler thing. It will pass. Plus, do they ever really realize how much they need mom? I know I did'nt until I was an adult.....
be patient friend! ;)

Not sure if this will help with that age or not, but with my 6 year old..who is as mouthy as can be sometimes, we make her say 3-5 nice things after she has been ugly. For example, if I ask her to come do something, and she replies with a nasty "WHAT?" then I have her tell me at least 3 different acceptable ways she could have responded to me. I tell her that she clearly needs the practice speaking kindly to me, and that because I love her, I want to help her learn those skills. Honestly..she hates it..but I dont really care. When she demonstrates an ability to be kind the first time..she wont have to do it any more. And..of course it hurts your feelings, and quite frankly, she needs to know that. The person that needs to tell her that is your husband. He needs to be firm with her and explain to her that he loves you and will not allow anyone to talk ugly to you. ( I am assuming that she never hears any of the ugly talking from him of course!) While you should discipline her as well, it will help a lot to have dad step in. My husband really got onto one of my older kids for the disrepect one night, and it did make a difference. Hopefully this will resolve soon! ~A.~

First of all remind yourself QTIP (quit taking it personally). Then, you need to start leaving her with Daddy more often. Take some time for yourself to go get your hair done or your nails done. The problem is you are always there... She doesn't have to work for your attention... you are her personal assistant for life. :-P She will learn what an asset you are if you allow Daddy to spend more time with her alone.

The other thing is to make sure you do some fun things with her outside the house. Things that are just you and her and you do on a regular basis.

One of the most important relationships in a girl's life is the relationship she has with her father. Be grateful she has a good one! It's all a balance... You will learn where yours is. :)

I think you've had some good advice, but I think that most likely she says these things because it gets such a response out of you. She probably sees how upset it makes you, and she likes getting a big response. I think if you just blew it off calmly, and responded with something like, "I'm glad you love your daddy, I love him too." or "That's too bad you hate me because I love you and that will never change no matter what.", or something along those lines, she may stop because she no longer gets the dramatic response she was hoping for. I also love the idea of making her say something nice for every mean thing she says, or the other suggestion of having daddy jump in and scold her when she says mean things (it could really get her attention if daddy jumps to your defense). My oldest son has always been a little closer to his daddy, but my second son is closer to me. I think it just happens that way sometimes due to personalities and it doesn't make her love you any less, she just loves you a little differently.

Yes. And I know other mothers (and fathers) who have dealt with it as well. It got better when my daughter turned four. So, perhaps a developmental stage? Just remember what seems like disrespect is them trying out words, checking your reaction. They might sound like teenagers and coldhearted little fiends, but it's not backed by the same emotional punch you are feeling. "If I say this horrible thing, will she still love me?" "How about THIS mean thing!" Just steel yourself and remember it will pass. ***She feels comfortable around you, that's why she can say those things*** and she doesn't doubt for a minute that you would stop loving her, even if she says these things. I know it is hard. Do you ever do pretend play, like with her dolls or Little People? You could try using that as an opportunity for them to role play out the situation. My daughter gobbled that up- she loved hearing me have the Little People little girl say "mean things" and then I'd follow it up with another Little People little girl say "that hurt my feelings, but I still want to play with you. let's go slide!". She enjoyed testing different peoples reactions and hearing how it all played out. That same role playing came in handy when she would say some of those types of hurtful things to playmates as well (I'd hear her tell friends, "I don't like you as much as I like child xyz"). Big hugs, this is the worst stage ever!

I scanned all of the answers and didn't really see this...when my son misbehaves or acts negatively (he has never said "I hate you." to me, so I am not sure if it works for that), I tell him, "I love you and I do nice things for you all of the time. we work together as a family. If you can't be nice to all of us, then we are not going to be nice to you either." Then, I explain to him - Today, you need to make your own lunch and your own dinner. You need to run your own bath and get your own pajamas. You need to take yourself to the park if you want to go play (Not really). I just tell him these things and he sees what I do that is NICE to him. His attitude changes immediately. And, I ask him what he needs to say to me and he says that he is sorry and that he wants to continue to be a part of the family.

Good luck!
L.

This is developmentally appropriate, actually.

I call this the "I hate you come here; I love you go away" stage.

Get "Your 3 Year Old" (Amazon has it for about $3) and read up on this developmental stage.

It is when children are really starting to individuate, to separate from us, and they feel a lot of conflicting emotions. They are frustrated by needing us so much for their very survival, and yet want us to be as close as before.

The good news is that children shift into a new developmental stage about every 6 months... so hang onto your panties and don;t take it personally. Soon she'll be a completely new person, and if you go along for the ride and learn from this too, you will be, as well!

Read more about this at my blog: www.RivieraPlaySchool.blogspot.com

Lots of Love
Linda

My heart goes out to you. I read your post, and had to do some cleaning around the house, and the whole time I found myself thinking of your situation and how to possibly respond to help.

I can relate because in the last several months I have been dealing with a similar situation with my 3 yr old girl. If I come to her room in the morning, she'll scream at the top of her lungs for me to get out of there, that she only wants her dad.

Not taking it personal, as hard as it may be, I think is important. As clever as 3 yr olds often are, they obviously don't completely understand what they are doing & why, and they always do look for your reaction. I have to admit that at the moment, I don't often know how to respond either.

Something to think about is, how do you react? Could that reaction somehow encourage your daughter to keep acting the way she does? For example, if you do get emotional, be it mad or sad, she may feel like, "wow, look what I could do to Mom just by saying or doing this. I have a lot of power here." She may not even completely realize that, but it may encourage her to continue that behavior. I would continue to say that you love her very much, and not make too much of it.

Another thing is how does your husband react to what she does? Since she is at this stage where pleasing him is so important, having him tell her that Mom loves her very much, and that HE loves you and her very much, and that is an important part of being a family, may also help. Also, if her behavior crosses boundaries, it is important for BOTH of you to respond, not emotionally, but matter-of-factly that if you do this, then this will happen.

Another idea to throw out there that could be totally not relevant to you, and since I don't know you or your situation, I thought I would just mention it if by chance it could help. I just hope no offense is taken. Do you have the maybe hidden belief that you don't deserve to be loved, so then it becomes a fear that others will not love you, so you may act more needy, begging for love, or even without realizing manipulating (by acting a certain way) to get that love, and maybe she picks up on those vibes?

Again, as others have said, i think not too much may need to be made out of all this. Children like to test their environment to learn from it, and different children have different ways. As long as she knows you love her, and you know that despite her behavior at times, she does love you as well, hopefully this will resolve with time as long as there are no major reasons or reactions that encourage her to make this a pattern.

ok, now i probably need to take my own advice:)

yes my husband deals with this with our son...he spends all the time in the world with him and yet he wants to be around me more. and he gets all upset about it. and ill give you the same advice i give him their are certain things you do with him that i dont and those things need to be made into a big deal. like if you and ur daugter do eachothers nails your husband needs to ask her about it so she can feel like "wow mommy is fun " cause if she is getting a positive reaction about mommy shell be looking for more fun things to do with her mommy... i hope this helped it helped me :)

I love the responses, especially Jodi's and Amber's. I just wanted to share my experience. My son loved me with a passion. He "hated" daddy. When he was 5, he came up to me and said,"It would be really bad if I killed daddy wouldn't it?" He didn't really hat daddy. He just wanted him out of the way so that he could marry me.

When he was 9 or 10, he did an about face. Suddenly daddy was the guy. He quit having anything to do with me.

Now at 14, he is just starting to warm up to me again. He admitted that he really did always love me, but I was always there and "too nice". He needed a little bit of space. I thought that perhaps hearing a child that is old enough to explain "the big freeze" might be helpful.

I guess some children take turns with people. Perhaps it is a way that they can develop a deeper relationship with the person that the are not always with.

You poor thing! I know that it hurts! But try your best to shake it off. I doubt your 3 year old loves Daddy more than you. In my mind what she is saying is her way of communicating "I don't get to see Daddy as much and so I will talk about how much I love him more to be sure he loves me!" You are always there and a sure thing, so she doesn't have to worry about you. Anyway, that's a possibility. I don't think this is unusual at all. Just keep letting her know you love her, and Daddy too..........and granny and gramps and everybody else.

Some children have what I call the "I-hate-you-don't-leave-me!" syndrome. My daughter certainly did. She always needed to prove my love. By pushing me away and my always loving her in return, it assured her. My advice to you is to simply reply, "I will always love you." Don't make a big deal out of it and don't take it personally. It certainly is not anything you are doing wrong. She's merely testing you to see if you are going to throw her away because of her bad behavior. Most kids outgrow this in time. Some spend their entire lives proving they are worth loving. We loved our daughter unconditionally, but she was about 19 before she truly believed it.

I think that your child could be just playing off of your feelings of feeling inadequate. I'm not saying deliberately but children can read alot in our emotional status when we are around them. You need to stop worrying about why she doesn't seem to like you or not. I would start to carry myself differently around her. Be confident and not in need any approval from her. I know that may sound silly but sometimes we teach people how to treat us by the way we act around them. I can only imagine that it could make you feel kind of "bad or a bit beated down" if you feel that your little girl doesn't like you. You have a good reason for your feelings being hurt, she's your little girl. I can understand that but children don't always have much depth in their behavior. Their world is still very small and the great thing is that their lives are still in the process of being molded so things can change. May sound shallow but try not to take it so seriously and don't question (if you are) that your a great mommy that cares.
Best Regards,
C.

I agree with the first post. She needs to get away from you for a bit. Let her realize how wonderful you are. During the summers when I am home with my daughter I do notice that she does not value me as much as when I am teaching and she is at daycare. Also, when she says something that could hurt your feelings (even though they say not to take it personally) I would make her stop what she is doing and give her a time out. She is 3 years old so just 3 minutes. Maybe get a time out chair that she has to sit in. If she gets up you restart the time. She needs to know that she cannot say mean words. When the 3 minutes is up she needs to tell you why she was sat out. Explain to her that mean words hurt your feelings and that she cannot use mean words in your house. The book Love and Logic is a great one for these type of problems. I am so sorry if I said too much! Just trying to help!

my daughter who is three has always favored me over her dad and has gone through different stages where she tells him she doesn't love him and asks him to go away etc. We put into place several things that have greatly improved their relationship.

first they have daddy/daughter dates. he takes her out just the two of them and they go to mcdonalds or somewhere like that. we try to do that one once a month or so. also last summer he took her to a dora concert. We emphasis how special it is to get to spend time with just her and her daddy.

2ndly we do not force her to tell him she loves him but she is NOT allowed to say mean things. we tell her that hurts daddy's feelings and it is not nice to say mean things to anyone including her daddy. if she does say something mean i put her in timeout until she appoligizes to him. (we include telling him she does not love him as mean).

I'm sure she will grow out of it. but i wouldn't let her continue to speak mean things to you.
good luck

Oh hon, your little girl is getting this bad behavior from someone. Look very closely at what you say and how you act to see if it's even minutely possible she is picking this up from you. Also, this isn't about blaming you - it's about looking closely to how your daughter perceives you. Secondly, your daughter is getting reaction from you and/or dad concerning her behavior. No one does anything in life without a payoff - I mean that she is getting something out of saying mean things and this behavior is reinforced by your reaction. In a nutshell, this is a bit of manipulative behavior.
Because it's gone on for such a long time and all three of you are working with this, I would suggest taking her to a child psychologist. You will all learn new behaviors and ways to react. I wouldn't want you to spend another minute doubting your relationship with your daughter or have you suffer one more bad remark from her. Get it straightened out now. You are all involved - it's family dynamics that has to be changed now.
It could be simply dealt with, with a psychologist providing direction mainly to mom and dad.
I've seen kids go through stages of choosing one parent over the other but this sounds too long of a "stage". And it doesn't sound like she chooses you ever. This is not about you as a person or a mom - it's about all three of you and how you are reacting to her behavior.
Best of luck to you!!

yes i dealt with this, with my 3 yr old son. he would favor his dad and choose him for everything over me. he would say hurtful things to me like "i dont like you, i like daddy" "ur not my friend" "ur bad" all kinds of things. and i would definitley take it personal cuz i did everything for him more than his dad. but one way that we handled this was everytime he would say something mean to me his dad would be the one to discipline him. He would tell him dont talk to mommy that way, or u say sorry right now thats mean. and by him jumping in and being the disciplinary it helped. and this is just a stage! she will get over it. even if this has been going on since she was 1 or so....she will not always be this way towards you. My son isn't that way anymore. Get you hubby to discipline her every single time she says something mean or disrespectful. dont let one time pass without cuz then she will get confused of why this times ok and next time is not. This is what helped me. hope it works!

I glanced through some of your responses, and there's a lot of good advice. I have to disagree about it being a phase, though. I don't think that any kid is wired this way, so there is more than likely something triggering it.

I remember a few times when my son would say he doesn't love me. It started when he was mad because I disciplined him. He saw how it hurt my feelings, so he said it several times just out of the blue. I finally looked at him and said very calmly and as sweet as I could "I'm really sorry you feel that way because Mommy loves you always no matter what you say or do." And then I went about my business. he did this one or two more times, and I just responded the same way, and that was that. Maybe try something like that and don't let the conversation go any further.

Also, look at you and your husband's relationship. how are you interacting in front of her? That could be partially to blame, but only you know that. I've found that when my son is acting out I can pin it on a change in the interactions between my husband and myself. I hope you find out what the culprit is. Good luck!

Wow...... I found your question to be extremely interesting. I never had children, but I was one, but I can't for the life of me ever remember not liking one of my parents.
I do remember constantly drawing "I Love You" pictures for my mom, and enjoying every second I got to spend with my dad on the weekends doing things around the house.
I know my childhood was far from normal since my mom was an alcoholic and didn't drive - and - my dad played the role of bread winner and grocery shopper. But I think I would have died if I ever hurt my parents feelings when I was young.
Young adult years - totally different story. I was a yellin' screamin' hollarin' ball of fury.

Personally I would check with some experts of child development, child psychology etc..

My prayers are with you M. C,
~A.

I have 2 boys and both go through hours, days, or weeks of wanting one parent more than the other. I think it is completely normal, but that doesn't make it any easier. I thought I had done something wrong the first time it happened with my oldest, but I don't take it as personally with my youngest. One thing I always tell my kids when I'm not the "chosen one" is that no matter what they say or do, I'll always love them. That statement just makes me feel better and lets them know that my love for them is unconditional. This is a phase and will pass, then you'll just have some other "fun" stage to look forward to. Good luck!!!

How did your three year old daughter come to know of or understand the concept of loving one person more than another?

I don't think your daughter is old enough to understand "respect" .... you've received so many different suggestions, it's hard to know what to do. I DO agree strongly that Daddy should correct her immediately when he is present and hears this and he should tell her that he loves Mommie and will not allow anyone to say mean things to her - not even her (daughter). If you are at home when this happens, HE needs to put her in time out and HE needs to make her apologize.

One point I must make: When my children were 3 & 4, (I divorced when they were 1 and 2) we stayed very close with their dad's family - went to holidays and family reunions, etc..... and they both bonded with one of his brothers. We spent vacation time with them and it was natural to be close - their father didn't see them much - so when he remarried and we were all at a family reunion one year, the uncle was holding my daughter and her daddy wanted her to go to him....she refused and her uncle said, 'who do you love, (name)?' Of course she said him. This hurt her daddy a lot. But, the uncle (married with 3 other children) who really was more of a father to them, liked it. They joked about it, but I know it was painful.

There may be a part of your husband that 'likes it' when she exhibits this behavior .... so he pats her or laughs a little bit or something .... which reinforces the negative behavior. She needs to know that YOU come first with Daddy. She is 2nd!

It wouldn't hurt to make sure you are both on the same page about it. I agree that she's with you all the time and she knows you love her, but there is something that is causing this behavior. I have a hard time believing it's 'just a phase.' I don't think she even understands what she's doing, but I DO agree that it needs to be stopped.

I DON'T agree that she and Daddy need to spend more time alone together. I think that would only reinforce the behavior. If they go and have a good time, she's going to want to do it more and more.

If you guys can agree on 'how' to discipline her, then just be consistent. I don't think you're doing anything. I don't know if she has heard this somewhere - maybe on a cartoon or smoething she watches on TV or sees other kids do. If she is in daycare, it might be there.

Just be consistent. I hope your husband is a 'touchy-feely' kind of guy who will give you lots of hugs and be openly affectionate in front of her. She needs to know/see that she is NOT going to come between you!

Good luck. Please let us know how it turns out!

God bless.

C.

She sounds like she is at that age where she competes with Mama for Daddy's attention. Not that she actually purposefully does this, it's one of the stages of development. She is learning to be a girl. It's a normal developmental stage.

Why would you take it personally? Are you competing with your husband for who she loves the best/most? Why does that matter? Why would you feel jealousy that your daughter expresses love? Your daughter is happy, healthy, and you didn't say she doesn't tell you she loves you. It sounds like you are putting adult labels on her - cold-hearted/disrespectful? Unless you suspect she is a sociopath, is there such a thing in a child's mind? She doesn't know that she's being cold-hearted, she knows that she is telling you how she feels. Child's honesty.

The other thing that I thought about is that you are with her all the time, she doesn't have time to miss you like she does Daddy. Maybe her saying she loves Daddy is her way of saying she misses him. You're ALWAYS there, loving her, sharing your day with her...she doesn't know to miss you like she does Daddy. There was a recent episode on Nick Jr's Little Bill that dealt with this exact thing: Mama had to go overnight to the city for work. It was the first time she had left him and he missed her.

I'd be proud of the fact that she recognizes that she can voice her opinion to you without censure. That's more valuable than anything. It means she trusts you. She can say whatever she wants to say at this stage and you still love her. And when she is a teenager, as long as she still trusts you, she will come to YOU with her problems, not her friends or others. Treasure this time with her when she tells you her thoughts when you are alone. This is the purest form of trust.