Father and Son Relationship - Medfield,MA

Time for your husband to step up. He needs to tell his son that's not nice, and your son can probably tell that it hurts him, so he needs to hide his hurt feelings a bit. Our 3yo son sometimes tells daddy to go back to work when he comes home, and occasionally he's really upset and crying and REALLY does want him to go back to work. My husband doesn't let his feelings get hurt because he understands there's ALOT of things going on in a little kids head. Your husband needs to not take it personally.

I'd say your sons behavior sounds pretty normal.

Being disrespectful should not be tolerated. Treat it as if he hit someone-- like time out, or whatever you do for discipline, and make him say he is sorry. Let him know he made daddy sad. I have heard some people say it's pointless to make a child apologize unless they really are sorry, but at his age I don't agree. Every time my toddler is mean to his siblings or disrespectful to me or his dad, he has to sit in time out, then hug the person and say he is sorry. It's the best way, in my opinion, to teach him. Now, when he does something he will often apologize on his own and you can tell he means it. (He's 3.5)

Let your son know that "these are not nice words". Dad needs to tell son, "you hurt my feeling with your words."

I also agree he needs to say he is sorry. Yes, there are phases, but a year is not acceptable.

They need to spend lots of alone time and doing fun things together. Have you gone away for a weekend with girlfriends? Might be a good thing to plan soon. Take tiny baby with you.

Also have your husband start doing more of the care giving. Make this a priority. At night when it is time for the bath and bed routine, you go do the grocery shopping with tiny baby. Or have your husband do the morning routine. Does your husband jog or bike ride? Could he do this with your son? Can your husband come home and take son to the park just the 2 of them 3 times a week?

My response will be somewhat different from the others as I am in the EXACT same situation so I will share what I think given my circumstances. I have a daughter born in August 07 and both my husband and I work full time outside the home (he works more than full time as he works two jobs). My mother stays with us from out of state two weeks/month to take care of our little girl and a nanny watches her the other two weeks.

ANyway, for a very long time (the same time frame you are taking about, over a year, basically since she could being to articulate herself), she has a strong and clear preference for me, then grandma, then daddy. My husband fought this at first - he would come home from work and try to hug her and pick her up which she HATED. First, she doesn't really like hugs or being picked up to begin with, and second I think it's because he would get right in her space and while we all now he's her daddy, we all had to be honest in admitting he actually didn't spend THAT much time at home so it wasn't unreasonable for her to be reluctant to have this sporadic close contact.

SO, he's done a couple of things including what one of the other posts said:

1) try to be more engaging around a specific interest or activity rather than insisting on physical affection. Then she warms up to him and before you know it she'll crawl on his lap to read a story or see what he's talking about etc.

2) Also, Grandma, Nanny and I always "talk up" daddy - "Oh, Daddy can't wait to see you when he gets home, he loves you so much and can't wait to play with you or read stories with you or eat dinner with you" - you get the idea. We use our excited vices and talk about how much we love spending time with Daddy and how happy it makes Daddy when we are nice to him because he works hard and he loves us so much. i think this starts to get her thinking more positively about Daddy.

3) we incorporated Daddy into the nighttime routine in a steady way. Since she has a strong preference for me, I always did most of it, but in the last couple of months we started making sure Daddy gets to be a part. Daddy helps get her undresses for the bath, and sometimes gives her the bath. I get her out (she screams if Daddy gets her out instead unless I am not home) and get her into her PJs, then she has to go out into the living room after she gets her bottle (yes she still takes a bottle before bed) and give Daddy a hug or kiss (she always says, I am not giving Daddy a hug tonight but then she'll give him a kiss). He makes a game of it and chases her around "gimme a hug" and she laughs and runs to me, in her room, where daddy comes in to give one more good night kiss. Then, after we read stories and she's going into her crib, I tell her good night and tell her I am sending Daddy in. SOmetimes she says she doesn't want him to come in but he does and sometimes she screams when he comes in but they talk a little bit and then he tells her good night and leaves. It actually is working well and I think helping her be 'nicer" to daddy.

4) we try to "model" the behavior we want. Kids learn by imitating right? So when Daddy comes home, I give him a big hug and kiss and greet him - "it's nice to see you honey - how was your day?" if I happen to be home first (unlikely). My point is we try to demonstrate how we'd like to be greeted - a hug and a kiss - otherwise why would she think it's normal to greet Daddy that way?

ANyway, we are in about the same boat, so I hope any of those might help. Most important is making sure your husband knows it's not personal and it shouldn't be taken that way - he always has to respond by being kind, soothing, gentle and reassuring - if he gets angry he will just reinforce his son not liking him. Everything should be calm and reassuring about how much both Mom & Dad love him.

I cannot see any value in a time out or punishment for your child expressing his feelings. I think that would send a very negative message. Again, your husband is much less close to him than you are due to time spent, it's the reality and it's unrealistic to expect a small child to simply ignore that. Some do but some don't.

Please post again and let everyone know how it goes! Good luck. Feel free to email me separately if you want to talk more.

What struck me is the fact that his dad does "go away" every work day from him. Might it be that what he is really saying-- in a terribly childish and illogical way-- is the opposite? Maybe this is his way of saying, I want you not to go away, I want you here all day with me (like Mom is)? Another thought is that the 7-month old probably seems to get a lot more attention than him during the day, so maybe this might also be-- I want a parent to be with me, since mom has to spend so much time with my infant brother.

If so, maybe the best approach is for Dad to make a regular "date" with each son. Since the 2-1/2 is a "big boy", Dad might take him out somewhere special, like a playground or go out for an ice-cream, just the two of them. And, with the younger one, he might do something closer to home, but still have private "man" time with him. This way it doesn't look like Dad prefers one to the other, but both get his one on one time and attention regularly. Then I think you will stop hearing "go away" and start hearing-- "Can we do that again sometime soon?"

Hope this helps. I haven't been through this myself, so it's just a thought I had while reading your story.

God Bless,
S.

my daughter went through this with my husband for almost 3 years and it was very hard to watch and really broke my husband's heart. (he's a terrific, loving father as well.) hang in there - it is truly just a phase. i'm still not sure why or what it's about but now she's 3 and it's over. keep telling him not to talk to his daddy like that. eventually he will stop!

Yes, you need to be disciplining him. Discipline is the way that we teach our children. Talking to his dad this way is mean and disrespectful. Your son needs to learn how to handle his feelings in a way that is respectful to other people.

First, I suggest that you and your husband change the routine. If your husband goes to him and your son rejects him, have your husband not go to his son. Wait for the son to go to his dad when he's ready to do so. At 2 1/2 he doesn't know how to handle being interrupted.

At the same time teach your son how to handle interruptions. Tell him to say something like," later Dad." And then have Dad respect that request and walk away. Help Dad realize that this isn't a rejection. The suggestion about not taking what the son says personally is right on.

For years when my grandchildren are disrespectful my daughter has them go to their room to cool off. They can come out when they're able to say that they're sorry. I agree it doesn't have to be heartfelt. They are just learning how to be respectful and how to feel sorry. At other times we talk with the children about respect and what it means.

At that age, if you were just beginning this pattern, I'd stop the action and say the words about showing respect and Dad feeling sad. I refrain from using the word make. No one can make us feel sad without our permission. This is related to the not taking it personally comment. And the concept is for the adults only. If the child continues this behavior after a few times then I'd start the going to the room.

Since this has been going on for some time I'd start by talking with him about what is and is not respectful and how he should behave towards his Dad but I'd also send /take him to his room to think about it. Your husband should not accept this behavior or words. I suggest he should immediately tell your son that this is not acceptable and that he should go to his room until he can be respectful. Your husband can let his feelings show as long as he's able to do this in a light manner. I say to my grandchildren, "you've hurt my feelings with those words" in a serious but not heavy manner. When they were toddlers we did this in a playful way as a part of the way of teaching them what are mean words and what are not. The toddlers usually responded in a positive way.

Sounds like yours hasn't been able to understand about hurting other's feelings. Have you tried naming his feelings for him when he's feeling hurt?

It is OK to not want to talk with or even be with his Dad for the moment. If he's forced to be with his Dad this may be his way of trying to gain some power for himself.

I really like the suggestions of ways to have the two of them spend time together with and without you being there. Before you do that be sure that your husband knows what to do with your son. In some households where the mother stays at home the father feels awkward taking over and this can be difficult for the child to handle. If this is the case both you and your husband help him do the activity.

Does your husband get down on the floor and play with his son? If not this may help them to get along better.

In summary, yelling these words at anyone, is disrespectful. The goal in discipline is to teach him how to handle his feelings in a respectful way. Discipline is absolutely necessary. Punishment is not. Second to that is helping his father with ways to spend good time with his son so that his son will want to be with him most of the time.