My son, who turned three in May, strongly prefers his dad. (Wow, that's even hard for me to write.) We adopted him from Ethiopia two years ago, and really, he's always seemed to gravitate toward his dad. I've heard this is fairly common for children adopted from foreign countries, where the caregivers are overwhelmingly women and men are, thereby, pretty exotic and interesting. But we're two years on, and he's still all about Daddy.
Initially, I blamed myself -- life changed pretty abruptly when we adopted a 13-month old, and I wasn't as patient or present with him as I should have been. But I fell in love with my little boy, and loved being his mom. After being back at work for about 6 months, I chose to leave my job to be home with him full time. My husband is really hands-on with him too -- works normal hours so he can bathe and put him to bed every night, and they have "boys day" every Saturday. These are all good things. I just don't know how to react when my son gets up in the morning and asks for Daddy. Or says, "I like Daddy, not you," or prattles on about how Daddy knows how to play a particular game, and I don't, and when is Daddy getting home? I tell him it hurts my feelings, I tell him he can go to his room until he can be polite to mommy. But it's not making things better.
Any advice?
Thanks to everyone who provided thoughtful, supportive answers. I've already employed some of the suggestions. Just a point of information -- the "boys day" is something my husband does to give me a break once a week. We have lots and lots of family time, and I appreciate that he spends this time with his son.
My daughter wavers back and forth. She went through a "daddy phase." Now she is in a "Mommy phase." Sometimes I wish she would go back to the "daddy phase" so I can take a shower in peace.
So normal...........All of my kids went through and are going through this...My DD who is 6 is more balanced and shows preference more equally now. My almost 4 year old DS still shows a preference to my DH but that has improved a bit. Right now my 19 month old he is all about his daddy....Alas...I think it's a phase and don't overeact! The more you make a big deal about it the more he'll do it. Go with the flow. It does get better. :)
Normal, normal, normal.
I'll just bet when he's on "boys day" he talks about you.
It's great that your son has a strong father figure to model and learn from.
Be his mom. He'll always need you.
And go shopping on Saturdays!
I am in agreement with some of the others here - you should not tell your 3 year old that they are hurting your feelings, or sending them to their room over this. This is ridiculous. ALL kids go through stages like this - shifts of alliance with one parent or the other, it fluctuates and this is normal. You should not make your child feel bad because they love their dad more than yourself. Your husband spent more time with him and he has a stronger bond, you should be happy that they have that and keep your egotistical feelings out of this. If you feel hurt, keep it to yourself. Keep the lines of communication open with your child, always let him know how much you love him (on a daily basis). Include yourself in activities, and spend one on one time with him 'mommy date' with him, at least once a month.
Never make your child go to their room over this - what does being polite have to do with this ? Your child is expressing their feelings saying what they feel - if he hits or is very nasty then give them a time out for that, but if its just an expression of what they are feeling - let it be.
It seems as though he's missing daddy during the day and is expressing that. He may genuinely enjoy his father more than he enjoys time with you, which is okay. Also keep in mind that you are the one home with him all day, so the day-to-day parenting things (like discipline) are likely more on you than your husband. Dad is cuddles, bath time and fun Saturdays. Mom is meals, discipline, naps, laundry, etc.
Just a couple of thoughts...
- When he says that he doesn't like you (my son does this to me too), I would respond with "I'm sorry you feel that way. That is not a nice thing to say and you hurt my feelings" and walk away from him. A few minutes later, ask for an apology. If he says that he is sorry, then move on. If he doesn't time out.
- Have a "Mommy and Me" day once a week. I know that there are household things that have to get done, but taking Wednesday mornings to just go do something fun is a good thing too! Invest that time into your relationship with your son.
Most boys this age prefer to be with their fathers. We both work full time and I travel quite a bit for work. When I get home, I will ask my son what they did and his response is usually "guy stuff" and a hug. When he's upset, he wants whoever is closets, but when he wants to play- daddy. When it's time to cuddle with a story- daddy.
A year ago, it was all mommy, all the time.
I think you need to step back from this a bit and stop taking it personally.
My 3yr old thinks I'm chopped liver! He follows his dad everywhere around the house, asks for him constantly, etc...
It's totally normal for boys to identify with their fathers. And since you adopted him at 13mos, you also got him at the prime time that all of that starts.
He's not trying to be mean to you or to hurt you. He's learning his role in life as a man, even at this age, and that's not something that you can give him. It's a good thing. Unfortunately for you, you just have to suck it up and find where you fit in his little world right now. Try to lighten up some.
If you continue to punish him for identifying with and wanting to be around his dad (sending him to his room), you're going to confuse him. You're not teaching him to react to you how YOU want (you can't force that). Instead you're teaching him that there is something wrong with wanting to be around his dad.
I am seeing this happen more these days. I'm not sure why but children need mothers and fathers both and I always bathed and put our kids to bed, my husband did other things with the kids. I think mothers backed off these days in many cases. You need to talk with your husband about this and tell him certain things you'd like to do and time you'd like to spend with your son too and work it out like that. He needs to compliment you, show affection and appreciation for you in front of your son, and your son needs to know you are a team who loves him together. It's fine to be have a 'boys day' but what about you on a Saturday? It should be a family time in my opinion and a 'boys night' once in a while. You need to work this out with your husband. Of course it's natural for a little boy to look up to his daddy but not to the extreme of shutting the mother out. That's my thoughts on it. Hope you can work it out to be a major part of this little boys life and let him know how much you do love him, all the time.
Oh I am right there with you but different. My daughter is all about Daddy while my boys (my 1st and 2nd born) wanted me. I got so spoiled, but my daughter will not even come to me for a kiss on a bobo. It hurts SO much, but yes it is normal. Men tend to be the FUN ones. They ruff house and the boys just LOVE it, that is why he sayes daddy know how to play and you do not. Deep breaths. I have found that if I am the one to get my daughter out of bed she will share her attention with me. If my hubby gets her out in the morning I cannot do anything with her, at all not even change her.
I do not punish her, this is how she feels right now and there is nothing wrong with how ou feel it is her actions, if she hits me then I punish for hitting not for not wanting me. If she tells me to "shut Up" I punicsh her for saying unexeptable things. It is the actions she has that can be unacceptable not feelings. This is not easy TRUST me I just want to cry and force her to "Love" me but I know deep down she does and this is a phase we will get through just like teething or any other phase.
Deep breath and gather your strength, you can do it!
You know, it sounds really normal. I think most kids do this, pick on parent over another. My daughter has been doing it lately with Grandma. All she wants to do is go to Grandmas, when I pick her up from Grandma's, she is mean to me, screams and crys that she doesn't want to go home with me. It makes me feel horrible, but I also understand kids are very extreme and that is the only way they understand how to communicate their feelings at such a young age. They are hot or cold, rarely luke warm.
And I think this happens even to more extremes when one parent stays home full time.
The advice I can give you is to let it go. Understand it is normal. Change your wording from, "That hurts my feelings" to "I am sorry you feel that way" or "I know you love your daddy."
I haven't read the other replies, so I apologize if I'm repeating. My concern is that at 3, he's too young to really empathize or understand what it means to hurt your feelings. You may be, of course completely unwittingly, making the situation worse by focusing on confict rather than searching for areas where you can bond. I don't know a whole lot about small children, except that I have a 4 year old and have participated in a coop preschool where we get parent education. Maybe there's a class you can do together that he would enjoy -music, swimming, gymnastics. Perhaps something active. I might consider some parenting counseling/consultation, too -if the situation doesn't start to get better by implementing your new ideas., Good Luck. I do believe that you should take this seriously and not just assume that it will get better over time or that it's not really important. He needs his Momma too!
It's normal for kids to look for the person who they don't see all the time. Kids also say hurtful things like they don't love you, but will show it and say it at other times. Does he sometimes say he loves you? How old was he when you got him? Is it possible, since as you say women are the main caregivers where he was born, that he has abandonment issues from his birth mother and is resisting the bond with you as a woman? I don't know, that last one is likely off the mark, but I wanted to put it out there as a possibility. It sounds like you are a dedicated mother. Keep it up, let him know he is loved, and he will feel it too. You are doing the right thing admonishing him when he is disrespectful, just don't let yourself be too hurt by it. Remember he's a child and they aren't the most considerate of people at times.
All I can say is that I'm sorry! My heart breaks for you. My son is the same way except that he prefers his mommy (me) and not daddy. I feel so loved yet I can tell it upsets my husband. He always wants to snuggle with mommy and always wants mommy to tuck him in, he always wants mommy. He is a mommy's boy. My husband actually told me yesterday that it bugs him a little. I don't know what to do. I tell him that he needs to be loving and sweet to daddy too and that it hurts daddy's feelings when he says things to daddy like "I don't love you" or "Go away", etc. But I have to say I think it is just a phase and in time, when he gets bigger it will come to and end so really I relish and love every minute of it.
Very normal. My son has been on a daddy kick for a while. Dont punish him for it though. its a phase and he will outgrow it and say he loves you too.
Don't worry about it. My three year old son strongly prefers ME, even though my husband and I spend equal time with him and are equally good with him.
My 18 month old daughter is starting to gravitate more toward my husband now but used to velcro herself to my side.
There is nothing abnormal about him having a preferred parent and it is nothing personal against you. Try not to let it hurt your feelings - it is not anything personal at all. Its just the way toddlers are.
I would not waste time with sending him to his room when he says he likes his dad better. Correct him by saying, "You can like BOTH daddy AND mommy. Both mommy and daddy love YOU." and leave it at that.
All though my son wasn't adopted I went through this at age 2 and a a half. I was a stay at home since his birth. And as crazy as it sounds it had me in tears sometimes. We went to visit my partners family and our son only want his dad the whole time. I felt like a old hat. But my son was with me all day, day in and day out. And I think Daddy was "the fun guy" and fresh face at the end of the day. I was the one telling him "no" when he was doing something he wasn't suppose to. But now my boy is 4 and that "daddy faze" has past. But over the last 4 years he has gone back and forth between mommy and daddy time.
hang in there is passes. But I totally understand feeling sad.
Please don't tell your son it hurts your feelings!! Your little boy is not responsible for your feelings, so don't make him feel that way! And don't punish him for it either!
It's a wonderful thing that he loves his dad and wants to spend time with him. Don't discourage that! Encourage it. And also enjoy the time you spend with him. Do what you are doing now, and maybe add some fun things or play a different game with him that daddy doesn't know how to play.
I have two daughters. They had phases where they liked their dad better than me. It's just a part of life that people and their likes and dislikes change. You're not anybody until you've been hated by a teenage girl! Especially one who adores her dad.
Someday in the near future, he will favor you. Then he will go back to dad. It will change and it's a part of life. But please don't blame him for it or make him feel bad. You'll need to save money for therapy later if you do.
I think discussing how it makes you feel (and how to treat people with respect) is a responsible dicussion to begin.
However, know that it is a phase. A rather hurtful phase that people really don't understand unless they went through it. I went through at least a year of my son telling me that he only loves daddy. Until daddy told him that it was mean and then he starting saying that he loves me, but loves daddy more. And when that phase stopped it was amazing. He now wants to marry me and loves me and holds my hand. It just stopped one day.
You can get through it with grace by explaining feelings, but allowing him to express his feelings in a respectful way.
I agree with MandA - it's normal and ok for him to identify with his Daddy more, and when he says he likes Daddy 'not you', it may be more about expressing his enthusiasm for his dad, and not having the words to explain the more subtle feelings he has for you.
Have you talked with your husband about this? Maybe during their time together, there has been a tendency to talk bad about you, not with any evil intent, but just to ramp up the 'specialness' of their time together. Right now, you and your husband are your son's whole world, so it would be natural for comparisons to go that way, and maybe your husband doesn't realize the effect this has on your son's time with you. Your husband could make a point of talking about the wonderful things you do, and make sure to avoid going along with casting you as the 'outsider' in the trio. Maybe he could ask your son what he did with mommy this week that was fun. Maybe some of those Saturday 'boys days' could become family days, where all three of you go out for some fun. There's no need to push too hard though.
It sounds like you have a committed husband, and a successful bond with your adopted son, even though right now it is trying your patience. Try to feel gratitude for these wonderful blessings in your life. Don't punish your son for expressing his feelings - there's a difference between that and being mean on purpose. And thank you for adopting this little boy, and doing so much for him. It's a wonderful thing.
