My Controlling Toddler

I think he is normal. He is just like my daughter. When I say normal, I mean normal for a spirited child. She is a sweet little girl ith lots of friends, plays great with others and loves to pretend. She is exaclty as you describe as far as controlling goes. I just go on about my buisness and tell her she will not always get her way. SOme days are better than others. I think I made her that way to a point because of the very strict schedule I had her on when she was younger.

Hi,
Yes I think is normal, my son is 3.5 now and is kind doing the same thing, I cant go get him in morning on my jammies, he doesnt like see me like that, so I trow a sweeter over and walk in and he is sooo happy; I hate to start the day with tantrums, so I give in on this one, but for most part I let him make decisions. I always give 2 choices for everything and he feel good helping with the decisions. Also he knows mama is the boss and every one is different, so if one of his friends do things that mama here dont like he knows not to do the same thing.
Good luck!

My oldest would do this...maybe not to this extreme but she did it. She never wanted me to get gas or if we turned right in the car she'd get upset that we didn't turn left. I never let her control it though. I had a friend that would tell me to get gas when she wasn't with me. I looked at it as though getting gas was a part of life and she would have to learn that.

I guess my advise would be to explain the best you can that, "Daddy isn't going to brush his teeth in that bathroom" or "Mommy is going to put the box right here where she wants it." If he throws a fit, let him but in his bedroom where he won't effect the rest of the family. Tell him that he can come out when he calms down. But then allow him to decide where his toys are put away or which bathroom he wants to brush in. I'm sure that this is just a phase that he can either grow out of or can become a problem if you allow him to control EVERYTHING in his life.

perhaps you should bring him to a child Psychologist. I know it seems extreme but the doctor may be able to pinpoint the root of what is going on.

I think it's normal. My daughter does this as well. I try to let her have as much control as possible, but when it comes to something that has to do with me, I don't give in all the time. Depends on the situation.

I think the advice about seeing a psychiatrist is absurd. This type of situation does not warrant a mental health assessment. Your son is probably high-spirited, and a psychologist is not going to be able change his nature.

Hi B.,

Those are all good questions. Yes, it is normal. Yes, he will grow out of it. And, yes, you should be addressing it.

The world is a very frustrating place for a toddler. They are too small to do what they want. Adults are in control of their every move. They do not have the insight nor the vocabulary to express themselves when they are upset. Consequently, instead of calmly saying (for example) "Mom, I am feeling very jealous about the amount of time you are spending with my little sister", you end up with a tantrum over which bathroom you've chosen to use.

The key is to, first, understand how powerless kids feel at this age and, second, to find ways in which they can begin to feel some sense of power in their world. When they feel like they have control in some areas, you will find that they are more cooperative when you need them to be. Here is an article that I think will be helpful to you.

http://www.gilabrown.com/GB/Blog/Entries/2009/7/21_The_Ga...

Be well,
G. B., M.A.
Child Development Specialist & Parent Educator
www.GilaBrown.com

My son is 2 and is already exhibiting some of the behaviors you have described. Like yours, my husband is rather rigid about how things ought to be done. Since my son spends the vast majority of his time with me and since I am much more relaxed about these things, I can only conclude that a certain degree of this behavior is hard-wired for my son. I am trying to teach him to be more adaptable and flexible, but as you know, it is hard to do. My husband's inflexibility is not one of my favorite of his traits, and I think that it causes him unnecessary stress and hardship in his life. I don't want this for my son. Hang in there and hopefully your little guy will grow out of this stage, just do whatever you can to help him understand that there are many ways to do things and most of them are okay. I let my son exert control over things like his clothes, but I try not to let his tantrums dictate every aspect of our lives. This is easier some days than others :)
If you are really concerned, run it past your pediatrician.
Best of luck to you!

About this same age, my son had some of the same issues. We told him "you're in charge of you and we're in charge of us". It can become a spiral if he starts to feel "responsible" for making sure that everyone is doing their routine. I know it sounds weird but they can actually feel like they "need" to keep everyone on the right page and it stresses them out more when everyone isn't. You have to break the cycle and get him to realize that "out of the ordinary" is fun.
Humor and play was the best way to get my son out of it. My son used to try to put us in time out when we didn't do what he wanted, I finally took him up on it and spent one minute for every year in my room (a half hour without mom stopped that real fast). If he starts to boss don't tell him no, just suggest an alternative and make it more fun than his demand. Or do it so crazy that he gets distracted. When my son would tell me what to wear I would put my shirt on my legs and my pants on my arms, socks on hands, etc.
Try spontaneous trips places that are really random and make them goofy fun. "We're going to the mall today but everyone has to walk like a duck, quacking is optional"
If humor, play, and distraction don't work chances are he actually has a problem beyond his control. Talk to your ped and let him/her know the extent.
Good Lcuk

My first suggestion is DO NOT give in to him with things that do not involve him. Don't let him dictate to everyone else in the house, and most especially not his parents.

There's nothing wrong with structured routines so I wouldn't worry too much about that. If you'd like to change things up a little start with small things. Maybe vary snack time by 10 minutes now and then. Or if you allow TV, vary TV time by half an hour or such. It's great to have a routine kids can count on, but they also do need to learn flexibility :) The rest of the world certainly isn't going to bow down to their wishes just because they throw a fit :)

My second suggestion is to consider Jessica's suggestion LOL This very well could be him just testing to see HOW much control you'll let him have. But it could be signs of something else. Talk to his pediatrician and see if they have any suggestions or can give you a referal.

Good luck, and I hope this helps :)

Hello, I would start teaching him that everyone has their own way of doing things and that while his way might be right for him, it might not work well with others. My second child (he is now 39) was much the same way and we did not allow him to control us. He did try to control his friends when they came over. He now has an 11 year old (we had custody for 3 years) who's biggest complaint is that his dad is too controlling over everything. He talks to me a lot about this. I have tried to help, but I don't live there and can't change how things are. It has always been his way or the highway.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

Our son is also 3.5 and exhibits some controlling behaviors, but they're inconsistent and not quite as extreme as what you're describing.

Mostly, he's pretty insistent about having Mommy put him to bed. We're hoping that's a phase as we alternate evenings.

There's nothing wrong with structure in my opinion, and some routines are good. When they're very rigid and inflexible, I don't think that's so healthy.

As someone who has OCD (I am a perfectionist), it sounds like your husband may also have it.
We mentioned something to our pediatrician about our son when he was about a year old, and he noted it in his medical records and keeps tabs on any trends we may see developing. So far, there are none.

But, it may be worth mentioning to your pediatrician to see if it can help correct the unwanted behavior.

First, I would have him throw his fits in his room, away from everybody. That way he'll eventually see that his behavior only affects him. Don't let him get to you. I have raised two pretty great kids, and I wouldn't have ever let either one of them tell me what to wear or what to do. I explained that they could make choices for themselves, but not for me. You don't want your kids going to school and being bossy and controlling. They'll never have friends with that kind of behavior. It's just not how the world works. So the fits would all be thrown away from the family. I wouldn't pay attention to them at all.

Well..being he is 4..it's hard to think he has 'control issues'..but I am thinking I recognize that he seems to have an OCD like problem. Normally the OCD issues have to do with the person needing to be able to control what they can of their own..like what clothes to wear, how the toys are displayed, maybe they have certain rituals with food etc. He seems to have a problem beyond that...his need for you ..the family ..to do things a certain way or he has a fit. You really need to make excellent notes and examples and go see his pediatrician.
I have OCD relatives...close ones...and we have been in family counseling for it, have had medications for a period of time and thats not to say that your child would need that but just be open to getting some counseling cause it probably stresses him out that he is behaving the way he does..he doesnt mean it...he can't help t and you need to find our why. Don't wait for him to go to school and start having issues with the teacher or class mates. There is time..I am sure you will do the right thing for your child.

Your son sounds pretty normal to me - I dont think it takes a PhD to know that at 3, they all think they are masters of the universe. I do think that he could use some lessons in boundaries - all 3yr olds do. It might also be a response to feeling over-regulated. Is it possible he is modeling what he perceives to be your behavior with him? My kids have been my mirror more than I like to admit.

My 7.5 yr old still tries to do this a lot with his little bro and even some of his friends. His buddies are curing a lot of it by just giving him that look that says "You've GOT to be kidding, right?"

I often have to step in more with little bro. If the controlling behavior continues even after correcting, then the older takes a little bro timeout. Mainly that means that he has to do something different and all on his own and doesnt get to play with little bro or anyone else for a while. If he throws a fit, which he did more during younger years, then he gets a real timeout. We tell him ALOT - over and over again - that little bro is a person too and deserves to learn how he wants to learn and play how he wants to play.

When he would get controlling with us, we planned ahead to say "thank you for your suggestion, but this is the way I do it."

We decided that it was age appropriate at 3 to start giving him more "responsibility" like letting him decide what order his bedtime will be that night. He got to choose what came 1st 2nd 3rd. ie: pajamas brush teeth read books. I remember a time he "tested" us by choosing books first. He thought that was a really big deal. We also used it as a learning tool because I would tell him him that I was going to choose brush teeth pajamas and read a book for my bedtime and it was okay if we did it differently. My kids love it when I suggest it's crazy PJ day. They get to pick out any combo of tops and bottoms from their pj drawer. It was hard for older bro not to pick out younger bro's PJs for him but also a good lesson on how they each did a great job on their own.

I hope that helps you!

My daughter is one month older than your son and also likes to tell us what to wear. If it's a weekend, I may give in and tell her it's fun, but on a weekday for work I tell her Mommy gets to decide for Mommy and she gets to decide for her. I see it as normal behavior and yes it has to do with exercising control; I give in at times because it must be difficult for their age to have everything structured for them. As for the tantrums, I always remind her to use her words. She's proud to be older and I often remind her how grown ups get to use words and babies don't have words so they cry when they need something. I remind her even when she is not having a trantrum, I'm just trying to set her thought pattern. It does take lots of time and patience (which my husband and I run low on sometimes) but he will settle and learn. Good luck!

oooh yeah. like "i want the ham and cheese and bread seperate not together" "whipe the sauce off my pizza"

if its something insignificant, i just let him do it. he wants to put his toys in a certain spot? let HIM do it. otherwise i tell my son "mommy is the boss, you don't get to decide on this one", otherwise we give many c hoices : )
and if he leaves the house in strange clothes, let it be. i see so many kdis in costumes w/boots in the summer. really, its just not that important : P

Have you considered obsessive compulsive tendencies run in families?Sometimes by learning behavior and sometimes by genetics. Anxiety is also part of the package. You will have to put limitations on his trying to control everything in his environment. Structure is fine for small children and it gives them security of routine, but take time out to do something wild and wacky. Make a pot of spaghetti noodles and make art with it in the yard with some paint on some paper. If the weather is fine, make a mud puddle and let him play in it. See where I am going? You might have a talk with your spouse about how he felt at the same age and if he has siblings that did the same thing. If this kind of behavior goes beyond age five, may I suggest an assessment by a child psychologist. I didn't realize until a few years ago how much my brother and I were alike in anxiety, etc. You might ask your mother-in-law too, if you can. Good luck.

My son (also 3) is also very particular and exhibits some of these same behaviors. We've actually seen a behavioral therapist because of his behavioral rigidity and inability to regulate his emotions when things don't go his way. Unfortunately, there really is no magic bullet that will solve this. It just takes time and patience.

The thing that I think that has helped us the most is that we do not give in when he cries or freaks out, even it is something that has to do with him. For things that affect him personally, we make him speak in a big boy voice and ask nicely for what he wants. And usually we will let his wishes carry the day. If it has nothing to do with him, we just tell him that we are the grown-ups and that we are doing what we want/think is best. When we can use humor, that often helps to distract him. Like I'll tell him in a funny voice, "I'M the mommy, and YOU'RE the little boy!" and he'll laugh and usually let it go. Even so, sometimes he will throw a fit and his tantrums can last several minutes. I have often left the room for my own sanity. It can be exhausting, but I never wanted to reinforce that screaming and crying will get him his way.

Also, we try to give lots of positive reinforcement when he deals with an uncomfortable situation with equanimity. Lots of "good jobs," "thank yous," and "what a big boys" when he is calm during a situation that would typically precipitate a tantrum. Sticker charts have also historically been helpful in this regard.

Things have gotten a lot better for us. He still very occasionally has tantrums when he is not getting his way, but I think he has learned that they are not effective. Now when he cries, I frequently tell him, "Does this ever work for you?" and he realizes that it really doesn't. And I can tell him, "You need to stop crying by the time I count to ten or else I will leave the room," and he will almost instantly stop.

Your son will probably always be someone who is more rigid and controlling than most. That probably isn't something that you can break him of. What you really want is for him to be able to learn to pick his battles as well as to learn to control himself so that he can express his desires in acceptable ways.

Good luck!

it may seem hard to think that a 3.5 year old would understand this (below)..but if you try this..and just say it over and over when episodes happen..i think he will adjust to it.

i always tell my 3.5 year old also (turning 4 next montth).
Unless someone is hurt, or something dangerous might happen...please MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, and DON'T GET INVOLVE. And I do explain what each mean with examples, or role playing; whatever I can do to help her understand it. She knows what they mean very well now, and it took consistency on my part. This applies to tattling and even friendship issues (like problems between my daughter's friends with each other, not with her..or they may try to get her involve, for example)

Just be real matter-of-fact, unemotional about it. And move on from the episode as quickly as possible. I wouldn't counsel him about it which will only draw more attention to the issue or himself...which may be what he is seeking. It's possible.