My ten-year-old daughter wants to be friends with a girl who has been socially mean to her since kindergarten. My hub and I have allowed D to develop other friendships successfully, but every time she has a party, she wants to invite this mean girl who gets others to exclude my D. Now D is having her first slumber party, and D is being firm--she wants to invite the girl who is mean to her. (This girl can try to isolate others, but I haven't observed it as much). Hub and I are concerned mean girl would draw kids away from child at her own birthday party. Would you allow your daughter to invite this girl?
"This girl can try to isolate others, but I haven't observed it as much)."
Huh? Initially you act (wrote) like you have seen such exclusion but here you say that you have not observed it.
I am confused.
If it were my daughter I would tell her to limit the sleepover to 3 of her best friends.
No.
I don't know what your daughter thinks is going to happen, but it sounds like too much potential for too much drama.
Limit the number of guests and keep it to just a few good friends.
Yes, ultimately, I would let her. BUT . . . First I would ask her, "why?" Why does she want to invite her? How does she get along with others? Make sure your daughter knows it IS her choice. It is HER party, but she should consider her invites carefully. Let her know that she does have options. It's OK to invite her. AND it's also OK to not invite her. Which mix of friends would have a really fun time together? Which mix would create conflict and drama? Who are her closest friends? One you poise some questions to her to mull over, let her decide. I totally agree with Mamazita.
WHY does she want to invite her, did you ask her that? Maybe they are friends now. Maybe this girl has matured and mellowed out. Maybe your daughter likes drama (some girls do, crazy as it sounds.) You're not going to know what the deal is unless you ask.
I have two daughters (now 20 and almost 17) and I can tell you that sometimes yesterday's hated enemy becomes today's best friend, and then tomorrow, who knows? Their groups and allies change so much over the years it's impossible to keep track of.
I would just be prepared because sleepovers at this age can be awful, even with the nicest group of girls. Have the parents' numbers in your phone if you need to send anyone home and open up a big bottle of wine.
And yes, let her invite this girl if she really wants to, it's her party after all, and if the girl is mean well then your daughter has learned a valuable and important lesson about making good choices.
No. Too much potential for drama. To invite her is asking for trouble.
I think no. BUT it is her party.
My first thought is that this girl has heard about the party and is pressuring your girl to invite her. That she'll make her life miserable if she doesn't get to come.
If it were me I think it would be hard to have to decide this. She wants to include her, why? Is it because she has a big heart and doesn't want her to feel left out? Is she empathetic towards her? Is she being pressured?
I would just NOT want to deal with this girl all night. I would tell my girl that she could choose.
Either invite the girl and only have a pseudo sleepover party where they go home at 10pm or not invite the girl.
Also, there is NO WAY IN HECK this group of girls would go to the bedroom and play outside of my supervision. This one girl has the power to destroy this party for your girl. I would have the rule that they aren't allowed to go in your girl's room at all.
Toys/games, movie time, etc...would all be in the family areas of the house and I'd let them bring sleeping bags and make big pallets on the living room floor and sleep in front of the TV.
Yes. I would ask leading questions to try to tease out why and make sure she's thought it through. But in the end, her friendships are her own to manage (and learn from if they don't go as she hoped).
At 10, I think they can be in charge of their guest list. You said yourself that you haven't observed the exclusion (unless you are saying you've seen her exclude your daughter but not other kids so much), so this will be a perfect opportunity to see what, if anything, occurs. It will take an awful lot for this girl to exclude the birthday girl in your home, won't it? And if she does, it's not the end of the world - it's an extraordinary lesson in how we choose friends and how we behave. If it were me, I'd give my daughter a good pep talk (as I did with my son before every party) about how everyone gets included in all group activities, and that's that. There's no saving places at the table, no saving places with sleeping bag layout, and no isolation if there are any games that involve pairs or teams. Mix up the partners/seating every time. Discuss how your daughter will handle it if anyone feels left out (don't speak specifically of the problem girl), and how a good hostess looks around to see if everyone is having the same amount of fun. Discuss how to include someone who's alone, and how to shut down someone who is taking over. These are important skills for her entire life, and this is a good age to start introducing them.
Then see what happens. Let the kids handle it at first if you can. If it's out of hand, you can accomplish a lot with a strong look at the instigator, or a few carefully chosen words. Set up a code word with your daughter that she can use if she wants help from you ("Mom, is there any lemonade?" or something like that, anything you aren't actually serving). If it's egregious, then step in even if your daughter doesn't ask you. If you have to, take the instigator aside and tell her what's not allowed in your house, and ask if she can control herself or if you should call her parents to come pick her up.
If there's no problem, great. If there is, a few days later is a good time to talk to your daughter about what the definition of a friend is, and what it says about us when we choose to be with people we don't really admire.
Since you will be there to observe and intervene, I would let your daughter invite her. Your daughter has this fantasy that this girl, who is probably the popular one, will treat her nicely if she gets to come to your house. Let's find out. She may be one of those girls who is insecure and just needs some extra attention and you can see how she does with that extra attention. You can actually observe how she operates and give her some guidance if needed.
My dd has a friend who is fine one on one but when she gets in a group she gets very loud, dominating and does the same thing you describe...excluding others, telling secrets and she ruined one of my dd's past b-day parties. We decided she would not be invited to the next b day party coming up soon, but my dd would have her for a separate function at a trampoline center - just the two of them. It is extra work for me to have two functions, but I figured we would wind up going there at some point anyway, we'll just call it a birthday!
