My Dad Is Driving Me Nutty

Updated on May 23, 2009
L.P. asks from Wheeling, IL
8 answers

I will start by saying I love my dad very much. He is a very young 62 yr old in very good health. My mother passed away over 10 yrs ago. My parents got along OK but eventually divorced and then remarried so that my mother could afford to fight her cancer. My father can be very kind but seems to keep tabs on things. He is kind of set in his ways and thinks highly of his own opinions (he is the most frugal, probably the best driver, tells you how honest he is, don't have debt (to anyone in any way) says communication is everything, ect). Sometimes he seem to take the joy out of things-
Unfortunately, my father is retired and doesn't seem to have any friends.
He volunteers a couple of days a week - but he doesn't seem to socialize with the volunteers outside of "work"
He seems disappointed that his sons-in-law are not excited to come over.
My dad is very friendly but crosses the line often - he sometimes jokes about things that people don't find very funny. I don't think he realizes that he is somehow putting them down. One son-in-law is "too serious of a Sox fan" and the other is a "dreamer- with lots unrealistic ideas". Basically as much as I love him- It is not necessarily unpleasant to visit with him- but not always pleasant either- often we end up talking about things to death.
Visiting gives me kind of a heavy feeling.
He loves his grandchildren very much (my two girls(5 and 2) and my sister's boys (11, 6, 2) and doesn't mind watching them from time to time and spending time with them. Sometimes I think forgets that we have young children -and that visiting is sometimes hard ( 25 minutes for me and about 45 for my sister). We do visit at least a couple of times a month (sometimes more often) and probably talk weekly.
He sometimes seems jealous of the time spent with in-laws- Yes my sister's Mother-in-law can be a little overbearing- but we no longer have a mother and she seems to treat my sister very well and had taken her under her wing. The in-law family has parties for the holidays- so there are cousins and aunts and uncles. My father has been invited to many times but seldom takes the invitation ("I am not their family") My sister and I take our families to visit with him- somehow he still feels we don't do enough.
I struggle with wanting my interactions with him to be something more to do with love than duty.
Growing up, he has always been the person to help us with a problem. I don't remember much else. Since his needs for companionship are significant he now appears to resent it when we ask for help with a problem or project. Are we taking advantage of him or are we seeking some kind of father/daughter closeness that we don't seem to know how to get. We are his daughters not his "friends" We just don't seem to be close the way he needs--But he needs someone to be close.
I think he needs friends - I don't think a parent should feel like an emotional burden. He says he doesn't need anyone (very self-sufficient) but doesn't seem to be aware of his need for other people (outside of family). He doesn't like to feel a need for help from others- he will then feel he owes them something. It seems that he sees everything in terms of debt. His daughters are safe to ask things from- (he has never said this -but i think he thinks we owe him) The love that he wants cannot come from this situation.

Honestly I think if he had more interactions with other people he would be less critical of his daughters.

He tries not to talk to us about our sibling - but sometimes I feel bad that he has no one to talk to.
The burden seems to be smothering the love sometimes.

What can I do?
Has anyone been in this position?
Anyone know how to deal with this type of person?
Am I right ? Is this interaction just going to push me away someday?

Added Fri 5/22:
Thank you for your thoughtful answers so far
It's just so hard to judge.
The only time my dad admits to being a senior is for the discount and when he has an occasional health side-effect of age.
When he volunteers, sometimes he helps move donated furniture out of retirement communities -he doesn't seem to be too interested in joining "old people."
He is not interested in getting involved - in groups - he likes to keep things on his terms.
He seems to prefer to have people come to him.
Since he pretty comfortable with the computer I have suggested looking up people on Facebook and MeetUp. He has yet to try this.
He has occasionally spent time with his brother and sister- but they drive him a little nuts (and I do see his point). ---Hey, Maybe it's genetic!!--
I guess I could visit with him more often --but frankly I'm not sure that would help- he doesn't seem to know what he wants so it feels like there is very little chance of me getting it right.
Do you know any spry 40-60 yr old women who are open-minded, non-religious, like to garden, like to hike and travel on a tight budget?

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

So What Happened?

Thank you for your thoughtful answers so far. I think we will be visiting mt Dad more often this summer (more frequent but shorter visits)
I really liked the idea of going to a class with my dad. It'll get me out of the house and it may be the perfect gift for Father's day. I hope that we will have fun, enjoy each others company, get him "out" a little more, and maybe he might even meet some friendly people.
Thanks for the idea
I plan to let you thoughtful, helpful ladies know how it goes.

More Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

G.H.

answers from Chicago on

When you feel these times of "nuttyness" remember that you won't have him forever. He has noone now but you kids. Shame on you if you can't spare a25 minute ride one way once a week to them man that worked, paid the bills, and IS lonely without having a companion. Men are too proud to admit they NEED anything. Have you not figured that out by your husband yet? I understand both sides of the situation...I've been on both ends. When you're older you'll understand how he feels when your kids are not there for you when you want them. You're not the only one in this situation. I bet 95% of families deal with this situation. Maybe thru church or VFW tye places, he'll get envolved with a widow and they'll have lots in common. A companion is exactly what he needs, you're right. Help him to get to that place so some of that burdensome feeling leaves you because you know he's being loved and cared for by someone else. Sorry if I sound a little rough but I'm in the same situation so I understand completely. If you need any questions answered, write me back..I'll be happy to help if I can. My spouse passed 12 years ago. I and your dad will never get over it. We have no "kids" to keep us busy so our minds don't runamuck all day unless our kids are around us.

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.C.

answers from Chicago on

Hello,
Since your dad is healthy, how about he comes out and visits you?
Maybe you can plan a family dinner every other week end. It's an idea.

Also, does he have any friends or relatives he can go visit. Perhaps a trip
to see his sister, cousin, etc. Would do him wonders. Sounds like he has the time
and is healthy enough to do it. If you think he can afford it, suggest it to him.
Or talk to that relative and have them suggest he comes out.

It's amazing what a change of atmosphere can do. He'll come back happy and with lots
of new stories to tell. And maybe for a short while, he'll stop hassling you!

Does he belong to a church? Many times they have group meeting/outings for widows.
He could get involved with that, and make some new friends.
There are also Senior citizen centers and Senior events through the park district.
They meet once a week for lunch, bingo and other activities. Even day and weekend trips.You may even want to look into a retirement community. It will make it a lot easier
for him to meet people his age and with similar interests.

Well, these are just some ideas. I do know what it is like. I dealt with it with my Mom.
But unlike your Dad, my mother became ill after my fathers death and our relationship
ended up revolving around her health care and worrying about her health.

Be happy that your Dad is still young and healthy and I'm assuming, can and does drive,
pay his own bills, do his own grocery shopping, drive himself to doctors appointments, can take long walks, etc. My mother did not drive and had a hard time walking, doubling the burden on me and my sisters.

This may not be much consolation, but things could be much worse! He won't be young
forever. Take advantage of his being healthy while you can.
Take that vacation with your husband. (have grandpa watch the kids) Make sure grandpa shows up to your kids soccer games, recitals, etc. And if there is anything you thought you might like to do with him, plan it now.

I do not think you are selfish. It is hard to be everything to a parent. Especially when
you do not live close and have your own concerns to deal with.

Last thought… My Dad had a tendency to complain and be super critical.
My one sister would always get into fights with him. I on the other hand,
would simply say "Oh, your just a grumpy old bear." and give him a big hug.
Surprisingly it would shut him up!

Good Luck!!!

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.M.

answers from Chicago on

Hi L.-

I can see you are very torn about this issue with your father and my heart goes out to you. Your issues with your father are so remarkably similar to our issues with my in-laws I can hardly believe it. If or until your father becomes interested in an engrossing hobby, works part time or joins some kind of social network he will rely mostly on you and your sister for his socialization. I know that can be very difficult when he is so critical. My in-laws are always questioning, criticizing and second guessing every single move that we make and it has put a big strain on our relationship with them. Have you had an open heart to heart conversation about how YOU feel about your relationship with your father? Sometimes people don't realize the impact that they have on other people. My husband has spoken to his parents about his feelings and had a little bit of success. I think they will never change for anyone but sometimes if they think they will lose their relationship with their kids they may re-evaluate their attitude.

We have decided to see our in-laws less often-maybe once a month and keep the conversations very, very general so that we can avoid heated arguing. It's not the ideal situation but it works for now. Hopefully one day we can have a relationship based on mutual respect and honesty but for now we have to do what we feel comfortable with.

Good luck to you. I hope things get better for you.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.D.

answers from Chicago on

Although this may sound backwards, try scheduling a short time to see your dad a few times a week, say Tuesdays and Thursdays for an hour and a half each. A 25 minute drive is not so bad- just bring your kids favorite songs or a book on tape.
If you hang out with him regularly like that, I think alot of the pressure will be taken off, and you get him in smaller doses.
Once you establish this routine, it should be easier to talk to your dad about expanding his circle of friends (or lack thereof).
Good luck to you and your family!

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

R.R.

answers from Chicago on

L.,

You sound like a wonderful daughter and mother. I imagine this must be hard for you...it is hard to readjust our relationships with our parents as we all age. How computer savvy is your dad? Maybe you can introduce him to Facebook, where he can reach out to others and reconnect with old friends. If you are not on it, maybe you can get an account as well and that way you can keep in touch more often, but not always face to face....

Also, if your dad is not averse to internet interaction, what about suggesting online dating? Young, healthy and loving...he is probably a huge catch!

Hope this is helpful!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.B.

answers from Chicago on

Dear L., I teach the Transcendental Meditation technique. In the course of teaching this wonderful technique, I've seen that happiness can grow for anyone, whether 15 or 65. This may be a real solution for your
Dad because it is not about telling him to how to behave differently with you or with friends. He can do it himself, and easily. I guess what I'm saying is that if he has a technique like this where bliss grows from the inside very naturally, the changes in behavior come about naturally without someone trying to engineer them. David Lynch, famous film producer who provides this technique for schools, says on Youtube that this kind of approach caused him to lose his anger and increase creativity.
This is not a religion, by the way. Your Dad simply needs more happiness.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.S.

answers from Chicago on

My father passed away in 2001. What I wouldn't give to just sit there and have a boring conversation or not one at all. He didn't call me much, probably the same as your dad saying he doesn't need anyone. It's not up to you to help him, change him or save him. He has to do that himself. But if you one day don't have him, you might say what if. So, if you can go sit with him every now and then and read a book if he's not a chatter, or watch a movie then I recommend you do so. My dad is gone and I have two sons, one eighteen and a child in the military who I miss more than anything. I hope one day when I am old and crazy and boring that he will be alive long enough to spend some time with me.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.G.

answers from Chicago on

In general I think you should remember that you cannot change him to fit into the kind of relationship you want - not at this point. You can only change your expectations of him and your interactions with him. That may mean giving up on the dream that the relationship could be what you've always wanted from a father. I don't mean to say you are being selfish - I can tell the changes you want would be good for him too - but that is not within your control. These are loaded complicated issues and I urge you to seek some form of counseling to help you negotiate thru this maze and come out on the other side. I hope you can find peace with your dad. Counseling could be short term or long and very helpful for you. Good luck!

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions

Related Searches