My Dad Won't See a Doctor

This may sound bad, but have you tried using his grandkids as leverage? Remind him that you want him around and healthy for his grandkids and would he do it for them. Good luck!!

This is so hard. I know what you are going through. My dad had his first heart attack when I was 14, had triple bypass when I was 16, had stents put in when I was in college, was diagnosed with diabetes when I was 25, etc., etc. The only reason he went to the doctor for any of these things was because they were all emergencies. You would think with his history he would want to try to take better care of himself. It's a long story but I can understand why he doesn't trust the doctors. At the same time, he has a little granddaughter now and I want her to remember him. That means he needs to be around for a few more years at least. And he's not doing well. I don't know what's wrong with him but he won't go to the doctor. I've tried all the below - arguing with him and getting mad, being firm and forceful and scheduling the appt for him, begging and pleading and crying (something I never do with my dad), trying to make him feel guilty about missing out on our daughter's life - every tactic I can think of. Ultimately, it's his choice. I've decided to try to just love him as much as I can while I have him and pray for him a lot. I know it's hard not to take on responsibility for his health, but you have to let him be in charge of his own life. Good luck!

If it is something serious, early treatment is key to survival. If he lets it go too long it could mean a serious loss when it could have been treated.

I'm sorry i don't know how to help convince him to see a Dr. but I hope he gets there for your family's sake.

Maybe you can talk to a Dr. about your father's symptoms to see what they feel the possibilities could be. and then they could tell you what testing would involve. Maybe it wouldn't sound as bad as your father is anticipating, if that is his reason for apprehension.

I know what you're going through. My brother has cancer on his nose, and just won't go get it cut off. He refused to go to the hopital once until after his appendix burst. He nearly died. He too smoked and drank.

You have a lot of factors working against you here.

1. He's male and men generally do not like to go to the doctor. I think they don't like the helplessness of it - they are out of their comfort zone and not in control of the situation. It doesn't seem manly to admit to needing help - even medial help.

2. He's probably in that mindset that as long as he doesn't go to a doctor there won't be anything wrong with him. There can be nothing wrong if nothing is diagnosed.

3. He knows the doctor is going to tell him he needs to quit drinking and smoking and he does not want to and doesn't want to hear about it. Once the doctor says it, the whole family has license to tell him "the doctor said you need to quit" and he doesn't want to hear any of that.

4. He probably knows there is something wrong with him and not only does that scare him, but he doesn't want to deal with whatever he'd have to do to treat it. No meds, no tests, no hospitals. He wants to be left alone.

5. If this has become a fight, it could turn in to a win/lose situation. He sounds like a man who doesn't like to lose. If he goes to the doctor, you and your mom win and he loses (in his mind!)

So what might work is to get him to feel good about going to the doctor. Maybe making him understand how much you all need him and depend on him, and how hard it would be on you if he got so sick he couldn't take care of himself anymore. Make him feel that his duty as a man to make sure he's able to take care of his family and the only way he can do that is make sure he remains able bodied. If you and your mom can't convince him of that, maybe he needs to hear it from one of his peers, a man he respects. This is probably really hard for him. Sadly though, in the end, it's his decision.

Talk to him. Go with what you feel is right in the moment and then don't second guess later. If it were me I wouldn't want to be bullied and would just get my back up and still not do it out of stubbornness. If you think he is like this tread lightly, if on the other hand you think a firm touch is needed go with that. When you talk to him let him know you have someone for him to go to (line this up ahead of time) and all you need is for his ok to go. Tell him to just go and talk and anything he doesn't want to do he doesn't have to, it is all his choice (it is). By doing this you allow him to keep his control. Stress to him just because a doctor says to do a certain test doesn't mean he has to do it. I know I don't like to visit the doctor and I have figured out I don't like that they have control over what I do. I like to have control over me so I have to figure out in my mind that I DO have control (still working on this). Pick and choose through the other advice you will get, this is your Dad and you know the situation and your father. You could also try to get another older man to talk to him if you know of one who would try. After you do what you can do and know you have done what you feel to be right and best if he still won't go just respect that. Be there for him if he changes his mind by all means but sometimes you just have to respect their choices. If his choice is doing nothing and something happens later down the road don't second guess yourself. Just respect these are his choices, you wouldn't make those same choices but it is his own to do or not to do. Love him anyway, no matter what his choice is. Your part is if it is out of fear that he is not doing anything to try and help him with that, or if it is too overwelming then you can take it one thing at a time for him and help that way. Good Luck, it is challenging sometimes dealing with parents, at least our kids we can usually bulldoze our way through a lot of situations as Moms :) Let us know how it turned out. Best wishes to your father as well.

Not to get personal, but this is what I would do if I were in your situation.

Ultimately when it comes down to it, it is his decision whether to seek medical treatment for his health issues, obviously he needs to change his habits, drinking, smoking, etc. Your job is to "convince" him to go get checked out. I would confront your dad and say hey, I am really worried about you, let him know that you love him and just be honest with him. Say if you dont do this for you, do it for me and your grandchildren and your wife. Lay it on thick. You have to figure out what he is thinking, is he just scared to go and find out his health problems or is he thinking well, its probably so bad its too late to do anything, if so, just be supportive, ensure him that its never to late to change your lifestyle or to get better and healthy again. Its better safe than sorry. Thats what I would do. Explain to him that technology today is so amazing it saves lives everyday. Be patient, sit down with him, turn the tv off and have a one on one. Let him know how you feel. If he still refuses to get help or go get checked out, well, atleast you gave it your all. I hope this helps.. Goodluck.

If he won't go in, try getting him to call a nurse help line... OR - have him tell you his symptoms and go on WebMD.com and enter the symptoms... and print out some scary stuff for him to read... I have found that if the information comes from someplace other than a wife, daughter, etc., they are more prone to listen to the advice of others... Go figure! <grin> Good luck!

My husband is the same way(I HATE IT)After our daughter was born last yr.I was in and out of procedures for almost an entire yr. because of different thing's my body was going through they had no idea if I had breast cancer to vaginal cancer,it was scary and in the hopital ya my husband went but he really wasn't supportive he was alwway's gripping tell them to get you out of here we need to go home.Anyway my husband is 33 yrs. old and for the 9 yr.s we have been together he has never went to see a DR. he think's they ae ignorant actually he is for not going and continue to smoke(not inside of course).I gave up if he becomes deathly ill I still am conviendce he won't go.We have a family now so I take care of myself he chooses not to there isn't anything I can do about it.Seriously you other woman may say other wise but you don't know my husband.So my advice to you is if he is ill talk to him or make an appt. for him even if you have to beg him to go something could be very wrong and maybe he doesn't want to find out it is the unknown that scares me and i'm sure your father.

You could try talking to him about how seeing a doctor is like preventative maintenance--he changes the oil in his car regularly, right (or has someone else do it)? A check-up is a little like a tune-up--and both give you the opportunity to find the little problems before they become big problems.
But when it comes right down to it, you cannot control other people's behavior; you cannot force him to do something he does not want to do. He is a grown man, and if he won't go even though he knows it's important to his family, you and your mom will both just have to accept that it's his choice.
I wish I could be of more help.
--A.

Hi S.,

I know a little bit about what you are going through. My dad is also a heavy beer drinker & smoker. He walks everyday and tries to maintain a healthy weight though. He also tries to stay active in the yard. About 5 years ago or so my dad had pneumonia and was put in the hospital, but only because he knew he had too. He was in pretty bad shape for being only 50yrs. old. After having some tests done his doctor told him that if he didn't stop drinking and smoking that he would have much more serious health problems in the near future. He had already had Cirrhosis of the liver and the start of Emphysema.

Since then he has made little changes, he has cut back on the alcohol recently but still smokes heavily. I worry also and I have expressed that to him. He does not like to go to the doctor and will only do so if he gets bad enough. I struggle with understanding why, but I have realized that my relationship with him is much more important then making him upset that I keep pushing him. I express my concerns to him still every once in awhile and tell him how much I love him. I don't know if I have a real answer for you but try to just have a father/daughter talk with him expressing your feelings and tell him how important it is to you that he just go to a doctor and that you will go with him and be with him every step of the way. Tell him that you will set the appointment up and that you will pick him up. Ask him that if he won't do it for himself then do it for you. Tell him that you want him around for along time to watch his grandchildren grow. Maintain that close relationship with him, spend some time with him so that he knows that you really care what happens to him. I don't know where you are spiritually, but the only thing else I can tell you is PRAY! I will say a prayer for you also. I wish you all the best! :-)

S. F.