My nine year old is ADD and has low impulse control. She steals DAILY! It is out of control. We have tried everything we can think of but it isn't stopping so I thought I would ask for ideas from other moms. She steals food mostly, but doesn't hesitate to steal jewelry, toys, books, etc. if she wants it. She doesn't steal from stores anymore ever since I took her down to the local police station and let the officer have a talk with her about the consequences. She seems to think it is ok to steal from friends, family & school though (despite our numerous warnings that it isn't). She steals food from the kitchen- usually sweets like frosting, poptarts, choc. chips, choc. syrup, etc. She doesn't even eat it often. We will find uneaten but wasted containers of yogurt, cheese, sodas, etc. or she will eat only a few bites. She is fed plenty at dinner and often clears her plate. We only want her to ask if she wants more food so we can help her make healthy choices and so she eats it in the kitchen (we have a "No food allowed outside the kitchen" rule to protect our carpeting). I would love any ideas you have that might help. I'm worn out! Oh, and she is on medication and has been to a therapist. She doesn't really want to change is a part of the problem.
I am so relieved to hear that my daughter is not the only one who does this kind of thing. I am trying this free website called Handipoints (http://www.handipoints.com/) with all my girls and this seems to be working the best with the one who likes to take things that don't belong to her. It has a chore chart and you get points for doing chores and it has good behaviors on there as well (like being nice to your sister) and you can customize it so we put on a chore about eating food in the kitchen only. Every day she does that she gets points to play online and points to get activities and things from mom & dad too. We are trying to focus on the positive but it's hard. Her medications are closely monitored as always but I think for anyone to change they have to want it and we just have to keep her motivation high by giving her something she wants more. This daughter loves attention always and with our busy lives she never gets enough. I'm trying even harder to give her more undivided attention (very hard with four young girls). She always returns things she steals from people and we make her do it herself. We have tried taking her things away from her but it didn't stop her. It also helps to know other kids have gotten past this - some days we wonder! Thanks for all the advice. We will be working on this for a while.
I know this sounds a little out of the box - this sounds like a behavior that is a part of her but not her - would you ever consider past life therapy/regression hypnosis? My son used to hide food under his bed - possibly in a past life they needed to hide food or steal it?
I told you it sounds wierd but if you believe in the possibility - healing is also possible.
as far as the food goes...how is stealing if it's your house and it's where she can get to it? i mean she';s nine...i think she's old enough to go get herself a snack. as far as healthy desicions about food...jsut put snacks that you want her to have and don't buy junk/sweets if you don't want her have it. but if she's taking stuff from school/friends with out permission, then she needs to have consequences. make her take it back, and apologize to the person she took it from, and then ground her fom something she enjoys.
I don't know if it will help, but when i was in high school i skipped school and when to a town 2-3 hours away. we dding get back untill 7-8 that night. of course she was very worried and very mad. The next day she brought me to school and took me to the office to talk to the principal. She turned me in. I got a months worth of detention.. that was every saturday from 8-2. I never skipped again. Some times tuff love is the only way to get through to some kids. I know mine need it. Maybe if you can talk to the local police and have them put her through what will happen she may change her ways. If talking to her and telling her what can happen doesnt work have them take her prints and go throught the whole shabang..she wont like beinging treated like a crimanl. She needs to know that there are severe consquenses that wont just go away. That is can and will follow her the rest of her life.
It's a little foreign to me to hear that taking snacks from your own kitchen is stealing. I understand you not wanting her to overeat or waste food though. So, something needs to be done in reference to that, but I wouldn't use the word stealing when talking to her about it, especially if she has been known to actually "steal" in the past. You might think about cutting frosting, cookies, soda, syrup, etc. out of the grocery shopping list so maybe she's less enticed to take food that she doesn't really need or want.
As far as the other stealing goes, I think she probably needs a combination of things done. If she's seen a therapist and that hasn't worked, then you might consider a Christian counselor (or other religion if you're not Christian). Sometimes that can make a world of difference, especially when the person is doing something that when it all boils down to it is immoral. You might want to talk about morals with her and that even if she's not being taken away by the police when she steals something, God still sees it every single time, and it does not make Him happy. He doesn't forget it.
Aside from that, I'd use tough love with her. Let her know that you love her, but that when she steals she's getting on the wrong path for her life. If you find out that she's taken something that isn't hers, ANYTHING regardless of size or monetary value, I would take her things from her. If this has been an ongoing problem, I would consider stripping her of all of her possessions the next time she steals. Let her have her bed and clothing and that's it...until she's proven herself to be trustworthy, and then and only then allow her to earn some of those possessions back. It may sound extreme, but a 9 year old is not a baby. I taught middle school before becoming a stay at home mom, and I've seen children close to her age with problems like this. Most parents just won't take extreme measures to deal with the problem.
Another avenue you might consider is finding someone who specializes in treating kleptomania. If she takes things for no reason, then she may have a bit of this, and I'm sure there are treatments available, but I doubt that just any old counselor/therapist really has that knowledge.
Good luck and God bless!!
When you took her down to the police station she stopped stealing from stores. When she steals, I would have her take it back. Do not allow her to keep it and don't you fix it for her. Make her return tht things in person (with you and her dad) by her side. I'm always thinking outside the box, so I don't know if you would do this, BUT when she returns the item, I'd make her give away one of her own items. YES. Go in her room, have her pick out something nice and give it away! Maybe she will realize that when she steals she is taking away something of value of another person.
Hope this was helpful.
J.,
I have a nine year old boy with the same problem. He likes shiny, sparkley stuff. I find wrappers half eaten food under his bed. I don't know if it is just an adhd thing or his meds, which we have tried several, therapist, he has had his blood tested for diabetes or anything and it comes back normal. Since you have a daughter it might be a thyroid thing, at least about the food. My son has taken money from church, small trains from museums. I have tried everything, we sit and have long talks about it, spanking, take toys or game stations away. I stay in a contant state of stress. Good luck, V.
Hi J.,
Since you took your daughter to the police station to keep her from stealing from stores, have you asked her why she thinks a store is different than school or a friends' house? They can call the police, too. If you find something from there, take her back, make her return it and apologize for what she did.
As for home, tell her she can have anything she wants, but she's not allowed to waste it or take it out of the kitchen. Tell her that if she wastes (ruins) food by sneaking it out of the kitchen, she will have to do chores to pay for the food and will get her priviledges back when she's earned the money to pay for what she spoiled. But, you have to be willing to enforce the rules.
My nephew went through this but he's now an adult and a mighty fine one at that!!
Good luck!
Here are some ideas.
Check out what all the possible side effects for her medication are and see if that might be causing some of this.
Check out the ADD yahoo groups and see if you can find one or two that you like and join for support and to find more answers to questions like this.
Maybe she is a middle child and feels neglected. Plan a weekly one on one time with her and your husband should do this too.
Provide consequences for when she does steal. Extra chore, something.
Consider eliminating food coloring from her diet. I know red food coloring in particular makes my son wild.
Good luck.
I am the mother of a son with a.d.d.. If your daughter knows enough not to steal from stores due to consequences, she knows not to steal period. There needs to be consequences for stealing from anyone just as there are for stealing from stores. If it were a true disorder, she would still be stealing from stores as well. I also work for the Board of Education in a special education classroom with typical peers as role models. She knows what she is doing.
I have to agree with Erin, if she is stealing from her friends, then don't let her go to her friends homes until she can learn more self control. I also agree that it sounds like you are doing everything you can think of to get this under control so I too do not think this is your fault that she has not learned self control. As for school, I would talk to her teacher and tell her what is going on, if she has too, make her search your child everytime she comes back from lunch and don't let her out of the room to go to the "restroom" without being supervised.
At home, I too am not sure I would call it "stealing" per say. I would call it taking without asking, which can be just as irritating. If you have sugar foods in the home, then put them up where there is no way that she can get to them. Get childproof locks for the fridge and pantry and explain to her that this is because she can not control herself. Everytime, she wants a snack she MUST ask and if she can not do that then she will get no snacks period, end of discussion. Watch her like a hawk and if you find her with a snack that she did not ask for, make her put it back or throw it away, I understand that this is a waste but I wouldn't let her finish it if she did not go about getting it in the correct way. One more suggestion but if you find that she is hiding things in her room, then consider taking the door off of her room so she has no privacy to hide things. These are just my opinions but maybe something will help. Good luck and keep us posted.
Sweets are a typical thing for children, especially girls her age, to "steal." Honestly, I wouldn't refer to it as stealing if it's from your house. Is she feeling deprived or neglected in any way? A cry for attention? Does she remember stealing these things, or is it just something she does on a whim but them forgets? Either way, she needs to see a therapist. If she's ADD, her meds may need to be adjusted.
Dear J.,
Please take a long thorough look at www.feingold.org. Feingold is a 30yr old non-profit association whose purpose is to inform the public of the harmful,negative side effects of artificial ingredients in our foods. These petroleum derived colors, flavors, and preservatives can cause ADD, ADHD, OCD, Bi-polar and many other disorders. The numerous chemicals our children eat make them unable to control their behavior. Feingold was a Godsend for our family, I hope you will let it help yours. Best wishes.
L. B.
Your daughter is a kleptomaniac and you should consider taking her to a psychiatrist. This kind of behavior will not go away on its own, because it is connected to her brain and no amount of talking will help.
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/kleptomania/DS01034
for more information
"Kleptomania is the irresistible urge to steal items that you don't really need and that usually have little value. It's a serious mental health disorder that can tear your life apart if not treated.
Kleptomania is a type of impulse control disorder — a disorder in which you can't resist the temptation or drive to perform an act that's harmful to you or someone else.
Many people with kleptomania live lives of secret shame because they're afraid to seek mental health treatment. Although there's no cure for kleptomania, treatment with medication or psychotherapy may be able to help end the cycle of compulsive stealing."
I have a 12 year old who sneaks food, she knows she can have it I just don't want to find hidden wrappers under the cushions, or even eating alone covertly (Bad Habit, anyone?). She is very thin (ADD medicine has apetite suppression side effect)so I don't stop her from eating unless it is right before dinner, or if she is trying to stay up past bed time.
I think the hardest part is I don't want to hover over her and police her eating locations. I am visiting with a therapist with her now, I might also suggest giving your daughter a reward for every time she eats in the kitchen. We use tickets that they save up for prizes like an afternoon at the park, time on the computer ect.
I also used the tickets to encourage other behaviors like honesty. I just carry them with me, and dole them out for the behaviors I want to encourage. Let your daughters choose some of the prizes (so they are motivated) it works well with both of my daughters.
Good Luck with the eating.
My daughter is 9 and has ADHD as well. It is really tough. I go to the ADHD support group and the other mothers do help. The next meeting is June 9 and it is at the YWCA. The lady who runs it can be reached here: ____@____.com.
I think you may need to look at meds though. It seems as if the impulsive nature of this is the root cause. I definately do NOT think this is the result of lax parenting or lack of rules on your part. So don't blame yourself. Remember what she has is a diagnosis. If she had asthsma and was wheezing you would be trying to adjust her inhaler.
Therapy as you mentioned is also helpful. I also rely on my school guidance councilor to help as well. Maybe try that too?
Finally there is a seminar in June that I am going to that you might find helpful. It is by this guy Kirk Martin who is an expert on ADHD and Aspergers syndrome. One is for parents regarding marriage and the other is on parenting kids with ADHD.Friday, June 27th 7:00pm – 9:00pm Marriage Workshop
Saturday, June 28th 9:00am – 11:00am Parents Workshop
Pine Valley United Methodist Church
3788 Shipyard Blvd. / Wilmington, NC 28403
His website is:www.celebrateADD.com
Hope this helps!!
Hey J.,
I have a family member who went through the same thing with their little boy. He too is a very sweet little boy, but because of his habbit he has been obese his WHOLE life (even as a toddler)because he started taking food from the kitchen as well. It was not restricted to the home kitchen either; if he was at a place with a kitchen he would try to sneak into the junk food. Now he is 12 and weights about 160-170 lbs. He's probably a little under 5 ft tall. Now his doctors are having to do constant screenings for childhood diabetes because he is starting to show signs of having it.
Don't let your daughter get to this point. They neglected his horrible habbit/fettish/whatever you wanna call it and now he is facing a horrible disease.
You on the other hand, seem to be trying your hardest to control your daughter's habbit. Kudos!!! Just try to remember that you can only do so much as a parent. It's kind of like the saying "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink it!"
Try to control it by limiting, if not totally eliminating sweets in your home. We don't keep any at our house (never really have) and most of the time our daughter picks carrots over cake or something else sweet. If we want to treat her for something that she did good then we go get an ice cream, snow cone or even a doughnut from the bakery. She loves going out and picking out her treats!!!
This may seem a bit drastic but it may help. Try locking up the pantry and fridge. Make sure she doesn't know where the keys are. (This is what my Mother-in-law had to do at her house so the little boy would stop taking her food and it worked. He now knows not to take food from Nana's, but she started when he was really young so it developed as a rule of the house!)
I hope that something I said inspired you and gave you an idea to help control the situation! Best of luck!
I don't know, I've always thought children that steal feel that there is something they aren't getting. No real diagnostic label, just that simple. If she is taking food that isn't even eaten to her room, maybe the "rule" about not taking food from the kitchen isn't the real problem. A lot kids take pop tarts, frosting etc., to their rooms. I think most kids her age sometimes try to take from others, friends or family, because they feel a bit ignored. I didn't realize there was a label for being impulsive at such a young age. Maybe this responce to you feels insensitive, I don't mean it to be. Being a grandmother and mother of two grown daughters, I watched impulsive behavior, and also caught them stealing little things from friends and family. I thought that was a clue for me to pay more attention to them. My husband and I worked as well as they grew up, so it was particularly hard for us. We sacrificed much when dealing with these issues. Sometimes it meant our jobs took a back seat when it came to them. I realize right now, the work force is a different place. There is no time now to put your children first....believe me, my husband works still after retirement (at 71 )and we see young families told by manager's that they can't put their families first! Raises are held back and several times this past year we've seen young mothers told they "think" of their children too much. Two of those mother's quit their jobs and found lower paying new jobs. Insulting for sure to be told that by your boss. So, I know it's different now. But, believe me, at 9 years old, I would at least get an opinion of another doctor. All kids are impulsive,bad,liars,basically little jerks (but we love them!)....and they learn through mistake and consequences. I wish it were even two decades ago, your little one wouldn't have been labeled or put on medication. Color with her,sing with her,ask her to dance for you...or dance with her. Just know that she isn't this strange creature, we just used to have our mom's home and got our bottom's wooped,back in the day when we acted impulsively and had bad behavior. At nine, most kids are little goof-balls. Hang in there and don't worry so much. Life's tough, you sound like a really good mom, hang in there....oh and remember..at her age, the very first sight of her in the morning, that same look you had when she was born...just try to give her that same look of joy,every morning...then,everything after that,it's all up for grabs.
What birth order is she? She just may need a lot more attention than her sisters do. Best of luck!
Has your daughter seen a therapist for this issue? Compulsive stealing, or kleptomania, can be treated with psychotherapy or medication. You can read more about it online. One source is the Mayo Clinic <http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/kleptomania/DS01034>. It is not uncommon for kids with ADD/ADHD to have symptoms of other disorders. My son has a virtual alphabet soup of comorbid diagnoses.
Good luck.
J.,
It may sound silly, but go buy some child locks for your fridge and cabinets. Preferably the kind that needs a "key" to unlock it. You can find some really good ones at Babies R Us or online at Onestepahead.com. That will keep her out of the fridge and cabinet at your house. When it comes to the friend's don't let her go until she can learn some self-control. Self-control is learned, and it sounds like she hasn't learned much yet. Not your fault though; it has to do with the ADD. When she stops stealing, reward her. If she starts stealing again, take some of her precious items away; that may have an effect. If you think it gets outta control again, take her down to the police station again and see if they will put her in a cell for a couple hours. My little brother got caught stealing from Target and Lowes Foods (he did it for attention) and my parents had the sherriff put him in a cell for 6 hours; he NEVER stole again. He was 15 at the time. Hopefully your daughter will never require that. I hope she can learn some self-control soon; if she doesn't stop soon, it may lead to more disturbing and frightening behavior. Good luck hun, you have a long road ahead of you.
