My Daughter Is Requesting a New Mom...... :(

Hi S.,
Save this letter. I am now in my early 30's and have a letter I wrote to the toothfairy asking for $5 since stocks are low, and then I went on to say $20 would be great so I could runaway because nobody liked me. I do not think my mom ever asked me about the letter and I have no memory of writing it. I thought it was funny when i read it a few years ago.
:) S.

I don't know what "normal" is, but I remember when I was a kid I wanted ANYONE but my mom to be my mom. Don't worry. It'll pass!

I think it might be better to "lose" this letter and have her write a new one. I would keep it for her wedding, though, or blackmail. Just kidding!!!

And sometimes I would like to have Kenny Chesney as my kids' dad. ;-).

I understand you're hurt, but please don't over react here. First of all, you can NEVER let her know you read her letter. Even at 7 years old, she probably knows she's entitled to some privacy. I would bet it's more a case of hero worship for her teacher than wanting to get rid of you. Just love her as best you can and create great memories for her about you and your family. Forget about the Santa letter, please. Good luck,

Dear S.,
Take it from a mom whose daughter will be 23 on the 30th of this month...this may well not be the last time she thinks she'd like a new mom.
I don't think your feelings should be hurt. I mean, she didn't say she hated you or anything. She obviously feels a great affection for her teacher and that's really quite normal. It doesn't mean that she loves you any less, I can promise you that. I remember having a teacher that I adored. I wanted to be just like her. She was beautiful, very lady-like and wore the nicest perfume. She was very nurturing. Anyway, what I think your daughter was doing was expressing her affection for her teacher, not necessarily saying she didn't want you anymore.
Since your daughter seems to have forgotten about the letter, I wouldn't even mention it. If she brings it up, get the letter out and have her check it to make sure those are still things she wants. That will give you a chance to find out why she thinks she needs a magic potion to have her dad stop watching scary movies. It may be something as simple as her knowing Daddy watches things she's not allowed to watch and if he didn't watch those things, they could watch something together instead. And regarding the teacher thing, I would just say something like, "You're teacher is nice. You really like her don't you." DON'T ACT HURT ABOUT IT! Give her a chance to tell you the things she likes so much about her teacher. Don't make her feel guilty for seeing good attributes in other people. God gave Moms big hearts. If we do our job right, there is a world full of people who will love our children and our children will love them back. That's a GOOD thing!

The other thing I want to say is that a child therapist told me that children writing their feelings is extremely healthy. Sometimes, it's easier to write things down than to say them. Sometimes it's just like making a journal entry if they had the chance to do so. Sometimes, all they want is to get things out and once they've done it, they can let it go and tear it up if they choose and be done with it. Sometimes, it's just thoughts. You don't need to try so hard to read something into it. Especially with a 7 year old.
There is no replacement for mom and all kids know that.
You need to be secure enough as a mom to let her have her feelings. I never once got offended when my kids said they wanted to live at my sister's house. Why wouldn't they? They have the best aunt and uncle in the world. My nephew all his life told my sister he wanted to live with me. Why wouldn't he? Everything's different at my house. Not better, just different. And he loves me. That's all it means. It never would have entered my mind to be upset with my kids for loving someone that much. I certainly never would have entertained the idea of packing their suitcases and telling them they could just go then because my feelings were hurt.
Your daughter wasn't trying to hurt you.
She's a little girl. She believes in Santa. She thinks their are magic potions. She could very well wish Glenda the good witch could be her mom. (She's got a wand, and everything!)
I personally would save the letter and tuck it away for when she's older. I'm a sentimental sap, I admit it, and I have saved things from when my kids were really little. I have letters to Santa, the Tooth Fairy, drawings my kids made, even when they were mad....
They are treasures now and we look back and laugh.
Look, your daughter is not expecting a new mother in her stocking for Christmas because she wrote a letter to Santa about it. For that reason, "Santa" doesn't need to write her back. My son was 5 and sat on Santa's lap at the mall and requested a weed-eater. There was no weed-eater Christmas morning and also no letter from Santa explaining why he didn't get one. It's not like he had his heart set on it.
Kids say things.
I think if you make a big deal over this letter, your daughter will not trust you with her feelings. Especially if you are hurt by something she didn't even intend. Don't do that to her and don't do it to yourself.

Best wishes.

Hi S.,

I believe your daughter's admiration for her teacher is why she "thinks" she wants a new mom. I agree to not take it personally....

I wouldn't "lose the letter".....instead, if you do respond, I would keep the "Magic of Santa" alive by putting something in Daddy's stocking for scary movies (like cordless headphones) with a little note from Santa saying "this should help you keep you TV quiet so you don't scare your family"....or something to identify what your daught is requesting :O)

As for a "new mom", I would give yourself a Gift Card with a note from Santa saying, "you have been a great mom this year and have taken good care of your family and have given them lots of love, but now it's time for you to do something great for yourself and get some new clothes so you can FEEL like a NEW MOM".....

Now that I think about it, I bet my 7yr old son would like his teacher for his mom :O) She is beautiful and dresses like a "princess"! And by acknowledging her beauty with him, it is something we share. So when we are out shopping, I can always say, "oh, I bet Mrs..___ would love this...." and we can laugh together.......maybe you can try to do that. Just showing and talking about the admiration for her teacher can really turn things around.

It is cute, but I would still have my feelings hurt :O) I hope someone gives you the "right idea" to be able to make it right in your home ;O)

~N. :O)

My daughter is only three, but I can respond to this as a former young daughter... when I was 9 or so I wrote in my diary that somedays I felt like Cinderella and that maybe my mom wasn't my real mom, she was my evil stepmother.

My mother not only read my diary, but she decided to read it out loud back to me with my brothers around me, and then told me how horrible I was. I can still feel the 9-year-old guilt- I cried for hours and begged her not to be mad at me. I remember I followed her into the bathroom because she'd decided to pretend like I wasn't there when i just had the biggest part of my hysterical crying fit. Looking back I think she was so smug with how bad I felt and told me next time I felt like writing something like that maybe I'll remember what it feels like to get caught.

I learned 2 things. My mother put more stock in her own feelings than mine- even as an adult and child. I could not trust that woman with anything personal.

That was 22 years ago and the lump in my throat right now is pulsing. Never make your kid feel that way. Since I've I had my daughter (3-1/2) we are better with each other, and I don't doubt that she loves me but I still know the two lessons above are always always true.

I agree with A L, below. Don't take this too seriously.

And if you write her a letter saying the things you said, then maybe she does need a new mom. You are supposed to be the grownup.

I think you should focus on the kinda funny part, and save the letter to show her when she's older, like the other mom said. And meanwhile ask yourself if there's anything you could possibly improve about yourself as her mom. If there's not, then fine.

A friend of mine's son (who is an amazing artist) drew a poster of his mom after they had a fight one time, and taped it to her door. It showed her in rags, with flies buzzing around her, and had captions saying bad things about her. She showed it to me and was kind of hurt but I thought it was hilarious. I took it from her and saved it for her until she felt better about it. Now she has it and thinks it's hilarious too.

Some kids are just really sensitive in a way. My son, whenever I would discipline him would always ask me why I don't like him or why I am always mad at him. I would have to explain to him that I love him and at this moment I need him to listen to me and he is not. And by not listening he is being disrespectful to me.

Kids just say things. And to her the other mom seems really fun b/c she is with her in a fun environment. Not everyday where kids don't always get what they want.

Of course it hurts our feelings b/c we want to be our kids #1. My 2nd son told me the other day that I am a horrible mommy (I wouldn't let him have candy). But the next day I was the best mommy in the world.

They're just kids and they have no concept of what hurts our feelings, they are not that aware at such young ages. My oldest son is 6, and I have more conversations with him about other people's feelings and sometimes it's not nice to say certain things. You could have a talk with your daughter about her feelings. Ask her about the other mom and what she does that makes her like her so much. I wouldn't let her know that you read her letter b/c she didn't want you to read it and it may only upset her more.

You could ask her about what kind of stuff that the two of you could just do together. I have 4 kids and I know its har dto get one-on-one time with a child. But it is so important for them and makes them feel very special.

I think you will look back on this someday and joke with her about the time she asked Santa for a new mommy. I bet she won't even remember even asking...

S.-

Good for you for taking the time to see what other moms think, it shows you want to help your daughter and move through this.

While this stuff may be considered 'normal' behavior for a 7 year old, I would take it as a sign she needs more from you and your husband. Obviously your husband would not watch scary movies in front of her, but somehow they are still affecting her. She needs him to protect her from things in this world and that includes stuff she sees and hears. I recommend "Strong Fathers/Strong Daughters" by Meg Meeken, MD. If he'll read it, his relationship with her will be priceless. He may need to give up these movies if it means he is tarnishing her view of him because he enjoys them.

As for your relationship with her, what is your connection like with her? Evaluate yourself around her, how do you feel? How do you act? Does she know how important she is to you? There is a book called "The 5 Love Languages", it will transform your relationship with your husband and your children.

I'm not a perfect parent, but I try to love my kids and husband the way they need, not just my understanding of what love is. I agree with asking her what she finds so appealing about the teacher. Don't be afraid, and don't just tell her she can't ask for a new mom, don't react negativily to this, view it as an opportunity to love her more and learn about her.

Take Care,
D.

My son wants Kenny Chesney as his dad :)

I think it's totally normal. And I would guess it has less to do with her not wanting you and more to do with romanticizing the idea of her nice teacher being around all the time. Of course she doesn't really want a new mom, she just likes her teacher. If you want to write back as "Santa" I would say something like, "I'm so glad you're liking your new teacher so well! She is very special and it's wonderful that you are getting along with her. Of course, no one can replace your mom and you know in your heart how much you love her and how much she loves and cares for you." etc. I think taking it too seriously will be more harmful than helpful. And tell dad to lay of the scary movies when she's around!

Dear S.,

I don't know if I can really "help," but I felt compelled to share something with you. When my son (who is now 31) was about 5, his father and I were divorced, and he spent 2 weeks at a time with each of us. He used to tell me that he loved his dad "just a little bit more" than he loved me. For some reason, at the time it didn't bother me at all, because I knew that my son and I were deeply bonded. I even found it cute, but recently when I remembered it, it actually hurt my feelings in retrospect! I mentioned it to my son in conversation, and he not only didn't remember ever saying it--he didn't remember ever feeling that!

Your daughter's note to Santa doesn't say anything negative about you. It suggests that there is something about Ms. Rotherberger that she likes. You might find out what that is. These phases in children can be fleeting, and I certainly wouldn't take it personally (although I know it's hard not to). I wouldn't talk to her about it, but do some investigating into what the reasons might be for her request. I definitely would NOT write her telling her you're not going to be her mom anymore!

I think if you quietly look into this without involving your daughter, you will feel much better than if you try to force it. I may really be nothing!

Good luck, and please let us know what happens.

I would cuddle her up in my arms and make certain she knew all the wonderful reasons I was happy to be her Mom and see where that takes you. Another observation would be to ask her "what makes Ms. Rotherberger so special?" Lots of times kids feel a loving connection with adults besides their partents and don't quite know how to frame it - these special relationships can truly add to their lives, teaching that it is possible to love many people in life is a great gift you could give your daughter. My daughter had a teacher's aide last year that was her "school Mom" and it was a very loving, safe, experience for Kindergarten.

Hi S.: Welcome to Motherhood- and just know that your child is just a bit young for this but as the mother of 5,I have several of these which I saved over the years.
AT somepoint all kids think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, sort of like how we as women think that another woman is always perfect at what they do yet we don't see the rest of their lives.
By the way I have had a child offer to sell his brother to get a new family. Yet today that they are the best of friends!
What I did depending on the child, was have a special date night with them and we did movie and dinner and talke d only about what they wanted to( that is the hard part), or I would write a letter telling why they were needed in the family that they are in. The special role they have in that family and how they wouldn't be able to for another family what they an for this one. Tell her to be patient, and maybe see what it is that you like about this new mom and see if you can encourage your mom togrow in that area. ** for my daughter, it was that they let there daughter wear short skirts, go to the mall alone, and make up at age 10. It just wasn't happening here . she did decided to stay here because her friend thought we were so cool because we set boundries.
This to will pass. Parenthood has more twists and turns than any theme park ride. Nana G.

Hi S.,
It seems to me that your daughter just did a really cool thing. I'm guessing she took a day that was stressfull to her and rather than confronting you and your husband she did some 'journaling' - to Santa. That is a pretty mature thing for a 7 year old to do without prompting. I don't know what she was really thinking but she did not intend to hurt you with it because she did not tell you or your husband or give you the letter to read. In the mean time, try to separate her from the scary movies. We set up a TV room for Daddy to watch his scary shows. He closes the door and wears headphone because he likes the volume up really loud. Loud scary shows can be way too intense for some kids and can give them too much to process. And her teacher? Maybe she just really likes her and was just doing a little of imagining what it would be like to have her as a mother. If she hasn't brought it up with you, I'd leave it alone. You are a great mom for asking other people before deciding what to do. I hope you gets lots of good input on this one. I wish you and your family the best.
-L.

AWWWW!!! *HUG*! And I am sure in 12 years your daughter will look back on that later and blush in shame. Sweetie she doesn't know what she is saying. I don't know what happened to proceed that letter, maybe you barked at her (gee, I do that too!), maybe dad was watching a scary movie and told her "JUST A MINUTE GO AWAY!"...which we parents can do when we don't want to scare our kid...whatever the reason, she said that rather than what you hoped. IF I were you this is what I would do, I would write a letter to her from Santa, stick it in the mail AFTER the mailman has dropped it off and make SURE you don't pick up the mail, ask her to do it.
This is what it can say...
Dear Jenny,
I am sorry your daddy watches scary movies but poison would hurt him and that would be bad. You would miss his great hugs, the way he smells and the way he tickles you. As for your mommy, I am sure you love your teacher and there is nothing wrong with that! The great thing about loving people is you always have MORE to share! Love your mommy for all the good things she does for you and love your teacher for all the wonderful things she is teaching you. It is ok to love them both!
The greatest gifts are the ones you already have in your life, your family.
Now, I really want to know what gifts you want for Christmas so could you please write me a list?

Thank you! Love, Santa

And S., save the letter, tuck it away so you can show it to her when she is an adult. =) She loves you, trust me on that. *HUG*

Dear S. -

I had a very different interpretation of what your Daughter wrote. My first thought was how sweet she wants YOU to be her Teacher. Maybe she thinks you are cooler and nicer! I spend a lot of time in my 5 year olds class and I watch all the kids, most of them react to their teacher like she is a replacement of their Mother while they are at school. Unless your daughter continued in her letter with negative comments I would seriously re-thik what she wrote. The other thing is maybe she is not bonding with her teacher and is struggling to make a connection and that is why she is wishing you could replace her.
Hope it all works out!

Hi S.,
I understand you're hurt-- no one wants to hear her child wants a new mom-- and I want to emphasize you are looking at a 7 y.o.'s whishes through adult eyes. In the world of a child, it's all in the moment-- do you remember if you'd had an argument with her that day, denied her dessert, or suggested she might not get what she wants for Christmas? Also keep in mind, she obviously forgot the letter, so it wasn't that meaningful to her, really. I know you're hurt, and that makes sense, and I would try to let it go-- I don't think it means much, really.

Hi S.,

Just like adults, children sometime think the grass in greener on the other side. I'm sorry your feelings are hurt, but this is a privacy thing.(her mail to Santa) If she verbalized to you or dad that she wants new parents, then you could speak directly to her and set her straight and have a talk about saying things that hurt people's feelings. Throw the letter away and let her think it's been mailed.

How does your daughter know about the scary movies? I don't think children should watch certain movies, including scary movies.

Blessings.....

YOU are taking this all wrong. Your daughter is appreciating the love and care of another woman and because she loves you and associates Mom with mother's love and caring she has asked for this woman to be her Mom. Your daughter does not know that other women can be in her life and supplement who you are to her. It was an innocent way to complement you. It is not that you are lacking, it is that you are a great example and she found another like you but a bit different and had no category to put Mr. Rotherberger into so "Mom" seemed to fit. Of course you will always be there as the Number #1 Mom. Do not be so self-judging as if you are less than. YOU ARE ENOUGH. And Aunty and Grandma bring there own unique personality, a doting girlfriend brings hers and a teacher brings hers. All the women in her life want her to grow up loved, nurtured, independent, clear thinking, aware of her own power, passionate, kind, and compassionate.
You just need to look at this from a positive point of view. Your daughter has not hurt you. She has expressed her joy at being able to learn from other women in addition to you. Her choice of honoring the other women is commendable but she would never choose her to replace you.
Be thankful that your daughter is having such a positive experience with Ms. Rotherberger. She might have had a teacher who was tired of teaching and kids annoyed her and she therefore undermined their confidence. I have seen it happen. Consider yourself lucky.

PS When my daughter was young she had an amazing 3rd grade teacher. The woman was beautiful, kind, and a wonderful teacher. (She reminded me of a fairy princess). She invited my daughter to her home to play dolls with her daughter. Did my daughter wish she was her Mom?, of course she did. Did she have a fabulous time?, of course she did. Did she have special memories? Of course she did. Was she glad to be home and hugged by me? OF COURSE SHE WAS! There is no comparison. I love her more than anyone, but it is okay for other people to love her too. By the way my daughter is an amazing person and a high school English teacher and loves it.
GOOD LUCK

Hi there

my son who is also 7 doesn't ask for a new mom but a new dad.. My husband just laughs it off. it's nothing personal, it's just kids' way of trying to express how they like how another person behaves in certain situation. Your daughter doesn't truly comprehend what she is saying. You should more readily consider he motivation rather than her actions. She doesn't mean to hurt you (I am sure) and it's more our own egos that get in the way when raising children. for example for a long time, my son referred to me by first name as oppose to mamma.. at first I was like, oh I feel sad... he longer calls me mamma, but then I snapped out of it... it's not so important that he call me mamma , what's more important is our relationship as mom and son.... in the same way, what matters is your relationship with your child. She doesn't want a new mom in that she may like some of qualities her teacher has... in that case, you can ask her, what do you like about so and so.. see what's going on in her mind.
as for dad... ummmm I think he should consider watching scary movies when she isn't around or awake. I used to love watching them, but my son doesn't like it when I do.. so I stopped a long time ago..

best of luck!

Hang in there. She's starting her 9 year change a bit early. It's a time to become more independant and critical. She may stop looking UP to you and start looking at you with a critisizing eye. It's her way of testing the big world before she grows up more and have to face it on her own. Don't take it personally, just keep loving her and respecting her privacy. She will throw everything at you soon , but she does this because she knows you love her deeply and would never turn your back on her. Just keep the rules defined, enforce them and let her know you love her no matter what. It's time for the big life lessons.
Enjoy and love.
M.

I love the advice you've gotten already.

They only thing I would add is that you might get her a journal for Christmas. It sounds like writing might be a good way for her to process her emotions. Just remember (in case you ever catch a glance of what she writes) that those of us who use this process don't necessarily mean everything we say! It's a fantasy land where we can be free and write hate mail and love mail, truths and lies without consequence.

I can imagine you allowing yourself to do the same. What would you write to blow off steam? "God, if I have to be the mom even one more day I'm going to _____." You wouldn't mean it either.

Aww, I'm sorry! But yup, that's normal! :(

Other people seem desirable as moms (even you to other kids) because they dont discipline your kid (or you other kids) as you do your own. You're with them everyday, you're responsible for them and their actions so you *have* to discipline (which is not a dirty word, it's just a dirty job that we have to train our children so they'll learn appropriate behavior and be more pleasant to be around as they grow up. And by the way, ever notice how your kids can be perfect angels for other people, but not at home?! So of course they're not as disciplined elsewhere as they are at home with you!)

I remember wishing (more than once!!!) that my mom wasn't my mom, that someone else, anyone else who seemed nice to me at the time, would be instead. Fantasizing that I had an evil step mother, that there is a fairy godmother out there for me, and so on. (why are there so many stories like this?? because that's a form of imaginary escape to let off the frustrations before getting back to dealing with the situation)

I even wrote my mom (as a tween, I think) after an argument a letter detailing all the things she was doing wrong! Later as an older teen I found it in her drawer and felt bad, because I was just as in the wrong as she was! And I'm getting a GOOD dose of that from my 7yo son now who gets upset at me for yelling at him to go brush his teeth or get dressed or whatever it is that I've already asked him for 5 times in a row to do!

I think your daughter handled it well. Don't take it personally, and know that she has a right to her private thoughts and feelings, and continue to discipline(TRAIN, not punish) her in the way she needs to handle things. (ie, shouting at you that she hates you and go slamming doors is not ok, but writing a letter in her journal, or punching her pillow, etc, is ok.)

And what's up with the scary movies?? Does your husband watch them often when the kids are around? Can he wait till the kids are asleep to watch movies and/or cut back on them?

(and I bet Ms. Rotherberger's own kids have at times wished someone ELSE was their mom too!!)

Hi S.- Go back and read Melissa's post. Wow, what an appropriate story. Were you really considering writing back to her about not being her Mom? She is 7, not one of your peers! Just deal with your on feelings privately as you wouldn't have even known about it if you hadn't read the letter and move on. EVERYONE fantasizes and imagines what life would be like with different parents, siblings and spouses. This isn't about you, it's about her!

I wanted my teacher to be my Mom when I was 9. I think it's pretty normal. Other adults seem nicer because they aren't primarily responsible for setting rules and handing out discipline. Being the parent is a thankless job but somebody's gotta do it! I'm sure she'll realize what an awesome person you are .......someday when she is 30 or so.

If this makes you feel any better I was horrible to my mother!!! I came from a broken home and I assumed it was HER Fault because she left dad. Many years of childhood resentment over something so stupid that finally in my teens I told my mother..."If You cant help me out with Money and be responsible for me until I'm 18 years old..YOU SHOULDN"T HAVE HAD KIDS!" then proceeded to tell her..."I promised I wouldn't put you in an old folks home but the way you treat me I can't wait to put you in one!" YIKESS!!!! I get sick to my stomach with some of the bad things I wished on my mom when I was a kid. I swear My mom hears how much I love and respect her every single day since I was old enough to KNOW BETTER! I wish I could take all those hurtful things back. She was strict with me but made me who I am today and I couldn't be more thankful! I have an amazing mom who got us through everything!!!! I hope you see that we as little kids can really say mean things, though your daughter didn't mean to hurt you. I would never wish to change her and I'm sure when your daughter grows up she will see just how perfect you have always been to her.

I would write back a letter saying how much her Mommy loves her. Can you spend more time with her making cookies, reading with her; have her read to you and you to her, go for walks, go to the park, a movie, anything one to one with her and family time too. Can you show your husband the letter so perhaps he can watch those scary movies in another room like have a t.v. in the bedroom. Can you do things as a family and watch a Disney movie together. It sounds like she wants more attention to me.
F.

Hi S.,
I am so sorry....
Now that said, DON"T WORRY....all kids will want a "better" mom at some point in thier lives. I know it MUST have hurt your feelings & for that I am sorry BUT if you look at the bigger picture, ALL kids want a "better,nicer etc" mom,eventually they all wish this at some point in thier little lives....our daughter had an infatuation with her second grade teacher, and I would NEVER measure up to how "cool" her teacher was....she drove a Mustang!for gosh sakes....lol
I heard somewhere just the other day " If your kids HATE you, then you must be doing something right".....lol
So KEEP UP the Good Work, Mom...you seem to be doing it right!!!!!
"This too shall pass"......

Oh no! You poor thing. My daughter is just 2, but I'm sure I'll be in for that as soon as she can write. Hah!

I don't have any experience with 7-year olds, so can't suggest what you should do. Just try not to feel too hurt. I still have an awfully hard time appreciating MY mother, and I'm old enough to know better. :)

It is a thankless job, this motherhood! Hang in there.

H.

ummm...yeah...I would say this is normal....umm...and it will only get worse when the hormones kick in........is your daughter dramatic at times..I know mine is....Sometimes my daughter always ask..."why are you so mean to me"..and I say, "Because I am disciplining you...you need to know what is right and what is wrong before you become an adult"...

I remember as a teenager being so mad that I told my mother I hated her....my mother broke into tears....after that I never said that...I said that to hurt her because I was hurt....so I'm prepared for the hormones when they come with my daughter....

I know the letter hurts, but don't take it personally...maybe the teacher's style of disciplining is different from your own and your daughter prefers that, but do not think that you need to change how you discipline to please your child. You need to discipline on what works for you as well as your child....

You could approach your teachers daughter and let her know about the letter and ask her how she disciplines etc..and see if it would work in your home...but do not let your child run you.... :-)

I can see my daughter writing this letter if she was in one of her moods and she is almost 6..so please don't take it personally..you will look at this letter one day and laugh.

J.