My Ex Husband Is Forcing My Son to Call His Step Mother "Mommy"

I know a mom who has a very similar story...and I know that it sucks.
I wouldn't worry about what your son calls her. Your son will still know who you are. Anyway they can make any rules they want for inside their home. The stork thing is dumb, but you can prove otherwise, so don't worry about that either.

You can tell your son that you know that it is confusing when sometimes Daddy might say things that are different than what you say or from what he was told in the past, and that your son should just remember that he is your son and you love him and not to worry about what anyone says. You can tell him that when people are angry or when they don't like someone, they are sometimes not very calm or not very nice, and his Daddy doesn't like you very much, so he might say strange things, but don't worry, etc.

As for not living up to court agreements, document everything and hold him to it. If he is defying a legal contract, there should be consequences.
Good luck.

I am sorry that you are going through this. I would keep telling your son that he came from your belly. Do you have pictures of the pregnancy, ultrasound, or delivery that you can show him? It is such a hard situation to deal with. If my children were calling someone else mommy, i would be crushed. For now i would correct him when he says it and say nonchalantly..oh you mean nini?... when you say mommy i think you are talking about me...

Sorry i could not be more help, that stinks :(

When I was a child, I was forced to call my stepmother mom. She never earned the title, it was just expected and it made me uncomfortable for quite some time.

Children should not be forced to call someone mommy or daddy, but be allowed to do so if they choose. Have you asked your son how he feels about it?

It might be one of those things to let go of, to keep peace. You cannot really control what goes on in your Ex's home...as much as you might want to for the sake of your child. What you can do is support your child, listen to your child, be there for him, be honest and love him.

What ever you choose to do, please continue not to speak ill of the father. As your child grows, and looks back and sees your support and honesty, and sees the way his father has behaved; your son will get it.

Also, when you tell a child how bad a parent is, the child knows that they are a reflection of the parent and may take to heart the criticism and put it on themselves. Something to keep in mind.

Hang in there.

It's like I was reading my own story. My ex is the exact same way!! I'm so sorry that you're going through this, and I don't have a lot of advice because I'm still struggling with my ex 8 years later. Some people are just poison and unfortunately he has an advantage because the courts are so used to seeing dead-beat dads that they give a LOT of leeway to dads that "want to be involved" no matter how they're going about it. I think this is criminal. I can't stand it when my ex lies in court and the judges buy off on his BS, even to the point of refusing to see my evidence that PROVES he's lying. I truly don't get it.

I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. If you can afford it, then you need to be holding him in contempt of court when he disobeys the court order. If you can, you should also be getting some counseling for yourself. A good counselor can probably give you tools to help you deal with him.

Most of all, just be there for your son and make sure that you're not saying negative things to him about his dad. When he gets older, he's going to know who the GOOD parent is, guaranteed. Your ex is playing with fire by behaving like this. One day his son is going to tell him to take his venom elsewhere because he's not interested in hearing any more of it.

Best of luck to you.

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Edit: I just thought of something else. Most courts have a family mediation service that is free or nearly free. You can call them and ask for their help. They will work to get the two of you to a compromise that is acceptable for everyone. You don't HAVE to do anything that they say, they are only there to be a neutral third party and work with both people to try to reach an agreement. They can, however, write up a mediation agreement that you can then have signed by a judge and it becomes a legal and binding court order. If mediation doesn't work out, then you can take it to court and make sure to tell the judge that you tried mediation. Just make sure that you keep a record of what goes on in mediation, even if it's just a journal that you're keeping, so you can remember it all when your day in court comes around.

Some of the things you could ask to have included in a new agreement is that neither of you can encourage or force the child to call a third party by "mom" or "dad" and that neither party can speak about the other party in the child's hearing etc...

Anyways, hope that helped.

I am sorry you are going through this. I understand your frustration and your pain...I watched my hubby go through it and it was hard for him. The ex-wife made the boys call the new husband "Dad" and then made the kids call their dad by his first name! That was so hard for my hubby..he truly felt like he was being replaced!

My only advice is to remain calm and try not to let it bother you (or show that it is bothering you) and think about what you can say to your ex to get your point across. What does your son call your new husband? If he calls him Dad then you really have no right to be mad or judge them for doing something that you yourself are doing...HOWEVER, if you have chosen to have your son call your hubby by his first name and keep his Dad as his only "Dad" then I would point that out to the Ex (not the wife) and hopefully he will see the logic in this...

My hubby had to have a face to face with his ex to tell her that he didn't appreciate the way she was handling the "name thing" and she eventually gave in and let the kids call him "old dad" and the stepdad "dad"...eventually the "old" dropped off and on their own, as the kids got older they started doing what felt comfortable to them...my hubby is "Dad" and their stepdad is "Dad" to his face but to all the boys' friends or to strangers they refer to him as "stepdad" and I am just "my name" and to their friends I am "stepmom" but to my face on certain occasions they call me "Mom" and I love it...I just have never forced it! My stepsons were never forced/asked to call me "Mom"...they were only 5 and 2 when I met them and I didn't want them to be confused...they were already way confused about the whole "Dad" thing...we tried to do what was best for the kids...and all us adults concerned because in reality our kids have 2 sets of parents and so does your son and your son is probably going to (eventually, no matter what you do) refer to his stepmom as mom, somehow, somewhere to someone...I am sorry if this is going to be hard for you...I just hope your son's stepmom loves him as much as I love my stepsons!

As far as the stork thing is concerned if it bothers you that much bring it up to the ex at the same time you talk about the name situation...that is just unnecessarily confusing for a kid and not good judgement on your Ex's part!

Well you really cannot do anything. You can be frustrated all the time or just get over it. I am a step mom to four kids. Two I raise without their father and two I raise with their father. Number one you CANNOT control anyone but YOU. Ex's also spread lies--that is not new. The about your kid calling her mommy--it's that way since there is another child in the house. It is easier on your child to just call her mommy. He knows who YOU are--YOU raise him. He just visits them. Honestly all you can do it do the best at being the best mommy. Your child needs you to be his mommy and not frustrated over what they do at their house. This is just the beginning. For your childs sake--just let it happen. It WILL be ok.

I would be devastated if my son or daughter called someone else Mom/Mommy. That said, my son did ask if he could call my current husband "Daddy" once we got married. I told him that was up to him...whatever he wanted to do. I know that sounds hyprocritical but you have to understand that my ex did not see our son often back then, my son was fully aware of who his father was or was not, and this was around the time he hadn't seen or heard from his dad in a year (completely his father's doing without good reason)! My son still calls my husband by his first name but will in conversation sometimes day "my dad) but those that know him know exactly who he is talking about.

Is it possible that after being there a month it was easier for you son to call his stepmom "Mom" since they are no doubt talking to their child and referring to each other as "Mommy & Daddy" ...maybe your son just fell into the same pattern and didn't want to upset you? Have you asked your son if he just started calling her that on his own? and if he wanted to call her that? If he answers yes to those, ask if he would mind maby calling her "Mom #2" or "Momma Nini" instead? That way there is no question!

As for the stork story, people ofter tell young kids "the stork brought the baby" because they figure they are too young to understand. Maybe they don't mean it as badly as you think.

I could be way off but maybe I am not.

I am so sorry you having to go through this. In the case of your ex making your son call her mommy let your son know that 1 - he has the choice to call her mommy or by her name but it's what he is comfortable with 2 - continue to tell your son the truth about where he came from etc. My ex tried similar tactics with our son when he was younger and I would have to go so far as to prove things to my son by taking him to locations his father said no longer existed etc. You have to stand strong against your ex and don't be afraid to file complaints with the police dept over things he is telling your son. I was told at one point if I had done some of that it would have helped me in my fight against him. My ex eventually got much better but it was a long road. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Every time your son tells you something write it down or record it and don't be afraid to confront your ex about it. I noticed the more I confronted him about lies and things he was trying to make my son do the less it happened. I can't tell you how many spirals or events I have and how many emails I kept. Emails work great as well because they will document time and date as well. Good luck ad stand strong. If you conitnue to tell the truth your son will begin to tell the difference on who to believe. My 8 yr old still has difficulty sometimes bc it's his father and he wants to believe him but he'll come ask me about it. Ur ex may be trying to erase u in hopes that you will give up and turn over custody but stay strong. Have a friend that you can confide in because u don't want to take out ur frustration where ur son will see bc I guarantee that ur ex will be asking ur son about how u are reacting or what you are saying. Good Luck and Stay Strong.

When your husband lost his bid for custody he was not a happy man I would bet. He will probably spend most of his time trying to think of things to upset you including this MOMMY thing. There are excellent books geared for young children that cleary indicate that they did not come from the stork or the cabbage patch. Every morning when you get up and look in the mirror smile and realize that the courts found the right person for sole custody. You not him. There was a reason for this decision. You will never be replaced in your sons life. It was your heart beat that he felt and heard when you carried him. I am sure now that the ex has re-married his new wife will want to start a family of her own. He will then find out just what kind of a step mom his new one will make. You just remember that you are #1. Good luck.

L.

When I was 2 1/2 my mom divorced my dad. she had 3 kids. she remarried when I was 3 1/2. my dads name was jerry my stepdad was alan. we called them daddy jerry and daddy al. it didn't hurt anyones feelings and I certainly didn't forget my dad. I thing he is wanting things to be normal when his new little one grows up. he won't want that one to call the mom nini lol. I wouldn't do anything about it other than to tell you ex that he needs to find something else for your son to call her and ask him if he wants your son to call your new husband daddy that will probably take care of this issue. although in the interest of no stress I would just let it go.

Try not to be overly upset about the names that are being used. I am a step-parent and my step-daughter was forbidden to call me mom. Someone has to remember that in these less than ideal situations the children should not be placed in a tug of war. So, I allowed her to call me by my given name. We sweetened it by her putting "My" in front of it. There was no disrespect intended - she was an innocent child caught in the middle. So "My S." it was until after her dad and I had two children. She would sometimes feel left out because my daughters called me Mama and with age she had learned to avoid confrontation by referring to me as "S." with her mother and around us I was "Mom". Now that they are all grown and there are grandchildren in the picture I am S.-Mommy to everybody and it's not an issue. She was encouraged to call her stepfather "daddy" and looking back I can see that alot of the irrational drama associated with what you call people, etc. has more to do with the hurt feelings of the parents than labeling what the actual relationship with the child is. Always opt for what will be least stressful for the child. He knows who you are and as custodial parent there is no way you'll be erased. Also, keep taking the high road and refrain from speaking ill of his dad. There is absolutely nothing to be gained by doing that.

I'm so sorry this is happening!

What is your relationship with your ex's wife? Do you feel you could talk to her about this? If you could get her to be your ally, that would be really helpful.

As to calling her mommy, adoptive families are well aware that children can have more than one mommy and daddy. One doesn't have to cancel out the other. Kids have a way of figuring out these nuances, and I'm sure your son is very well aware that you are his primary mom. If it still bothers you, though, maybe he could call her "Mommy Nini"? (Your ex telling him that he came from a stork and not from you, though, is problematic.)

Good luck with it!

It sounds like your ex is immature & unwilling to accept you were in his life. I've known men like that & it's tough. If it were me, I'd just explain to your son that you are his mommy, he came from your tummy & that the 'stork' story was told a long time ago when times were different in explaining where children actually came from. The step mother is his step mother, she will never be his true mommy b/c you are the mommy. I'd let him know that his father apparantly has issues dealing w/acceptance & that your son should always do what's right, in his heart, & not do what his father says necessarily just b/c the father feels like he is "the boss". If it's wrong, it's wrong no matter what his father tells him. He was right in asking you & bringing this to your attention. You've done a good job in raising him to be that open w/you on such things, good job! But as far as him calling her 'mommy', if you son doesn't want to, he should not be 'made' to do it.

you keep being honest with your child. raise him the way you always have. if he argues with you about "no babies come from the stork" eventually he will know that one of you is full of it and the other is not. let your ex sink his own ship. as for your son calling the step mom "mommy" i would let it roll off your back. i have had a couple of kids tell me "i wish you were my mommy". great compliment but i imediatly corrected it and did not allow the kids to say that to me again. but my son calls other people mommy. espically when he is at another kids house where the sibblings are saying mommy.

B., I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do other than what you are already doing. Your ex is acting like a jack-a$$. I am sure he is bitter from the divorce and he is being an imbecile and putting your son in the middle. He knows this will hurt you, so that's what he is trying to accomplish. The worst thing you can do is give in. Hold your head high and try as hard as you can not to show that it bothers you. Your son will get it eventually. The sad thing about these situations is that parents are often so caught up in hurting one another, they forget there is a child involved. People like your ex think they can "get away with it" because the child is too young or too immature to understand what is going on. One day, your son is going to grow up and see all of this for what it is and he will resent his father for being such an idiot. The worst thing you can do is stoop to his level. Continue to speak the truth to your son in plain and simple terms and don't give in to your ex's games.

I'm a step mom and my kids have a step mom. News flash...she is his step MOM. Don't worry about such petty things. She is the mom in her home. Be secure in the fact that you are his birth mom and don't feel threatened by her position in his life. Don't speak badly about his dad or step mom. If that is the only thing you have to complain about, you are lucky. If she is treating your son well and taking care of him, you are blessed. My kids step mom isn't so nice to them. So please pick your battles, I believe this shouldn't be one of them. Good luck!

Just act like your fine with it... and tell him that the only thing you can think of to call your significant other is BIG DADDY.......

Have a talk with your ex, tell him that if he keeps up with the step-mom being called mommy you will tell your son that she is the step mom and that she did give birth to him in the hospital like you did. then ask him that if you remarry is it alright for him to refer to your new husband as daddy...... bet that he would not like that.