My Family Thinks My Boys Are Out of Control

I have a grip of boys, my youngest two being 7 & 5....I SO get it!

~This is how boys are. Do not apologize for your active children. Do not cancel your trip. You and them sound like you have got it under control about respecting others' house rules. Some people just don't get how ACTIVE boys are!! Don't let anyone make you or them feel like there is something wrong...as long as they listen to you, you guys are GOLDEN!

That bullsh*t about "Boys will be boys" is inappropriate. Boys are capable of sitting still, listening, behaving nicely and appropriately per situations just as girls are able to be active, strong, rough and tumble, etc.

Allowing your child to act inappropriately is a disservice to your children. Sitting still for 30 minutes does NOT make them a 'zombie', it makes then NORMAL.

You should teach your sons to be more calm, more gentle with younger children and to have certain times where let it all out play is acceptable behavior - because that type of behavior is definitely NOT acceptable at all times!

We just visited our grandsons that are 5 and 7. They are rough and tumble too! We stayed outside most of the time because they were constantly on and off their bikes, crashing, and just plain crazy! Inside tho, Daddy made them calm down... no running and jumping on furniture and such. There's inside behavior and outside behavior. Inside consists of playing with hotwheels, coloring, puzzles, books, etc. No rough housing while indoors, it's just way too annoying and dangerous.

I didn't really read the other responses but I wanted to add my two cents. My two nephews are 4 and 7 and sounds like they are similar to your boys. They are good boys too and they like to wrestle and climb and are constantly moving. They were here visiting two weeks ago and let me tell you it was an experience! I have one little girl and I am definitely not used to boys! I got very overwhelmed while they were here by all the noise and running around and wrestling. Plus while they were play wrestling they accidentally broke a closet door, the Wii sensor bar, cracked part of the frame of a TV, broke off the ear to my daughter's play horse, broke her brand new umbrella, and dropped my laptop on the floor (one got his foot tangled in the cord and pulled it to the floor). This was over the course of 4 days and all while they were wrestling with each other. None of it was on purpose of course- they were playing. But between all of that and the constant noise and motion I have to say I was a little relieved when they left. Maybe your family isn't used to all of the noise and running around and are just overwhelmed. Plus, if they are wrestling around- accidents happen and the homeowner is probably worried about something accidentally getting broken. I don't really have any solutions for you but I wanted to tell you my experience from the other side. Good luck.

There's a time and place for everything, although people/family will disagree on when/where that should be.
If there are designated romping zones/time (or romp-free zones/time) and everyone knows where/when they are, then everyone should be happy.
If you are ok with them jumping on the sofa at home - it's your sofa - they can treat it as you see fit.
Other people might not like their sofas being jumped on, so when they are away from home your boys need to know to respect property that's not theirs/yours.
Your kids might need to run more than others, and if they do it's not fair to have them sit still in some place they can't burn off their energy.
To do so is just setting them (and you and your other family members) up for frustration.
That means YOU need to say "I can see the boys are fidgeting. We're going to go for a walk around the block (or go to a park, playground or walk down the beach, walk a mall, etc)" and go take them some where they can burn off their energy.
Take some water bottles/Gatorade if it's hot but kids with energy generally don't care if it's hot outside.
If you get hot, take an umbrella with you for shade.
Have them run round a lawn sprinkler - it's a time honored summer tradition.
It gives everyone a break.

My husband has pointed out that I "yell" more when we're around other people. I'm harder on them and seem to have different expectations because I don't want them to be too active around other people. Other people try to tell me they're fine and just kids. Your boys sound like older versions of mine. Thankfully, my mother-in-law (in my moments of "I'm so sorry, they're really energetic) always tells me that her mother told her, "you'd worry if they sat still."

They are old enough to respond to you about boundaries around other people and their homes. My boys get REALLY excited to be other places and excitement makes their brains short out, but they know not to jump all over other people's furniture (for the most part), know that if I threaten to just leave, I mean it (I try to only threaten this when I CAN), etc. Research the area you're going and plan some kind of intense physical activity into each day, even if it's going to be exhausting to you. Their bodies require it. It sounds like they sit still and learn well, they just also have to move. See if you husband can agree to trade off days with an activity so you can both have a little more relaxation as well--take them swimming for an afternoon, rent bikes and find a big park, research playgrounds or see if there are any children's museums, etc.

Remind your boys that if their cousin is around, they have to play on his level, not theirs, but also remind your brother that they need some "big boy" play time and the little guy can't always be around them for that (or time that around naptime if you can). I know that's not a lot of help and I would be super-stressed myself, but again I'm blessed to have provided the only grandkids for my in-laws' and we have all boys, so I tend to be the "meanest" one when we're with family.

Their behavior is completely normal.

(My kids wrestle inside because when they're outside they're running--it is often too hot or cold or wet or windy to be out, so I allow it with boundaries.)

They should only being playing rough outside or sometimes at home. I have a 6yr old girl and an 8yr old boy (but the girl plays like a boy :). If they can't settle down then they are sent outside to run laps around the yard until they can behave. I encourage athletic behavior but they still need to follow house rules. And I don't want my new flatscreen tv ruined!!!!

Oh I feel your pain! My boys are 2 and almost 5, and my brothers girls are 2 1/2 and almost 4. My boys have those boys' muscles that just twitch and ache unless they are in motion, eating or asleep! His girls like to play and run and climb a bit, but nothing compared to my boys. He can just ask them to stand still and wait a minute ... and they do!!! My oldest has the maturity and discipline to do that now, most of the time. But my 2 year old will take off running in a heartbeat. I'm working with him, mostly for safety reasons, but he just loves to run!

My dad volunteers in a grade school, and he said you can just see the boys siting at their desks twitching or kicking or swinging their legs and shifting in their seats. He said boys just have these muscles that need to move!

It sounds like you're working with your boys and helping them to learn which places it's ok to play more physically and which places (ie other people's places) they need to be more reserved. That has been a big focus of mine as well. Different places have different rules, appropriate behavior, dress codes, etc., and I've tried to make sure they understand that! Really, it sounds like you're doing great!

I'm guessing that your parents have forgotten (or blocked out) some of your uncle's childhood! It is possible that he was not on the high end (like your boys and my boys seem to be), or they've just forgotten that time in his life. I'm also going to guess that your 15 month old nephew simply has not tested the waters completely yet. Hopefully as time goes on, your brother will begin to understand as his own son grows and begins to test the limits! My brother began to understand as he spent more time with his nephews. He has spent a great deal of time with them this past year, and he really does understand now.

I guess I don't have much advice other than hang in there and be creative. You never know, maybe a family trip like this will be just the thing your family needs to better understand your little guys. Good luck! Have fun!

I have girls, but I swear, they think they're boys sometimes! :D For some reason they firmly believe the couch is a trampoline, the foot stool is a great place to jump off of and that screaming through the house is appropriate. It's not and I don't let them behave that way in my home, or in anyone else's. If they want to rough house and be loud, they can go outside. The same goes for if we're at someone's home.

I don't understand how it's too hot for kids to go outside and play. My kids go outside no matter how hot it is. They're kids! They don't care! Set up the sprinkler or even look into a pool.

It's time that they understand that they can't be rambunctious ALL the time. There's a time and a place.

I don't think you should cancel your vacation or even stay someplace else. I think it's very important for families to spend time together. If they start acting crazy and it upsets someone, send the kids outside or find a way to redirect their energy. Or say to them "Ok, I know you're having fun, but it's time to settle down." They can't act like that at school (I'm assuming they're in school), so they should be able to sit down and chill for a little bit when they're at someone else's home.

My son is the same way. He's a good kid, very smart, but has a lot of energy to channel. My family isn't around him a lot so they aren't used to it. I say boys will be boys. There are some kids who can sit and play by themselves, that is not my son. I just disregard their comments. I would just say that your brother is probably just concerned that your boys are rough around his 15month old and they may need to learn to either not play around him or to be more gentle around him until he's a little older and can keep up with them. I just try to make sure we don't get caught in situations where it is too overwhelming. When we visit my FIL, I always try to take my son to the park or something. I try to plan activities so he can get his energy out rather tnhan trying to confine him. Holding him back just causes us more frustration and fighting.

I can relate! Tell your family that you are the parent and you are comfortable with what they are doing and to back off! Its rude and uncalled for. If they hurt your feelings or offend you, tell them! Some people don't think before they speak and they think they have all the answers in the world....give them a gentle or not so gentle reminder that they already raised their children, let you raise yours!!! GL!

M

Can you teach them to only play rough outside? In my opinion there is a time and place for that type of play. Not on furniture or in the house where people can get hurt or things can get broken. Also no playing rough with smaller children or girls. If they know these rules then there should be a lot less yelling by others at your kids. Discipline follows if they don't obey. If you let them wrestle in your home then it is going to be harder for them to not do it in others homes, unless you have one room designated just for playing rough, where there is less of a chance of something getting broken or someone getting hurt. Other people that aren't used to that type of behavior may get nervous having all that action around & honestly I would too. I have friends that also have a 5 year old & 7 year old & they get in trouble for jumping around & wrestling on the furniture & when they come to my house I don't allow it... They can do all that outside.

I just wanted to add that I love Amanda's answer about running laps. I have also had my daughter do jumping jacks when she is antsy. That would be something they could do on vacation to get their energy out instead of wrestling in the house or condo, etc. You control it & have them do however many you need to tire them out.

Also be sure to take along lots of art activities & games & stuff to keep their minds busy as well.

My sons are seven and four, and I get it :-) Plan for lots of activities that get them out of the house and on the move, especially the pool. Exhaustion is a wonderful parenting tool- if they're too tired to wrestle, it's amazing how calm they get.

You might consider staying at a hotel if it's in your budget- that way you (hopefully) have the pool built in and you're not always in someone else's space.

Even if it's hot, can you set up a sprinkler and let them run around outside? Boys are more physically active but my SD used to be called a tornado. She had to be reined in constantly when she was younger because she'd pull everything out or try to steal center stage when we were with family. It's a little bit of getting the kid to change behavior (like they would at school) and a little getting the family to understand the kids aren't being bad. I would seriously talk to the family and say, "Look, we've had issues in the past and I want to get this resolved or we won't go. It wouldn't be fair to all involved if this continues. My boys need to express their energy and I will encourage appropriate ways, but they are active little kids and need some understanding, too." And talk to your parents about the mixed messages.

I'd also consider changing plans so that instead of staying with the family the whole time, you get your own hotel room or something, maybe even for part of the week, so that you have an escape.

I hope you can still enjoy your vacation. Since I remember our last vacation well, and I'm not sure if I would do it again :), here are some ideas.

Watch your kids when you go out as a group. If you don't want others to discipline your kids, be sure you are keeping an eye on them. Keep them busy while waiting in lines for activities, dining, etc. If you know some family members get more stressed than others distance yourself a little bit. Stand at the back of the line or front of the line, etc. This may seem a little strange but I know if I'm staning in line next to some of the kids in my family I am going to be the one saying...don't touch that, stop spinning, watch out, etc. Now I distance myself and the kids can act as crazy as they want because I'm not near them and it doesn't bother me if I don't see it happening.

When we went to Disney my husband and I placed my daughter between us when we were in line for activities. I can't tell you how many kids bumped in to me or stepped on me because they were jumping around and their parents were in front of them with their backs turned just oblivious to their kids.

If you need to discipline them about something perhaps you can take them to another room or outside to talk to them. Active kids combined with yelling parents is even more unsettling.

Plan to do some things on your own. We did this so we could have some peace once in awhile.

Are you staying in the same house with your family when you go on vacation?

EDIT*****just read your update. You absolutely can tell other people not to yell at your kids. That was wrong of them to assume they could from the get go.

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OK. You don't have a problem with your kid's behavior. You feel they are normal boys. You just have a problem with people yelling at them. You talk to your kids about being careful, but this does not stop them from wrestling around in other people's homes. Now if it HAS stopped it, and they're only being crazy outside or when it's allowed, then your family has the problem.

Otherwise, just keep them away more until they get older. People who have boys or who have had boys who used discipline to teach them where they cannot be physically wild-one of the few places being in other people's homes-are very annoyed by people who think their kids should be allowed to act wild in their homes. We have friends like this.

My wild spirited kids will run crazy all day, but ALWAYS have to be nice and respectful in other people's house (if that makes them zombies) so they don't break stuff, and most of all, so their spastic energy doesn't rattle everyone's nerves. We believe it's good for kids to learn self control and respect in certain situations. We're all tired and stressed and want to enjoy our visit. Meanwhile, they feel their kids can tear up our house and make the atmosphere annoying and loud so no one can talk and "there's nothing they should do about their naturally spirited kids". We don't have them over anymore and it's a huge relief.

The two views don't have to agree, but you're annoyed at them and they're annoyed at you, and no one's going to budge on that. Everyone will be better off not to be subjected to the wrongful behavior of others-the indoor wrestlers or the yellers. Common etiquette says you should respect their house rules when in their homes (or don't go), but maybe you could let your kids be wild in your own home if they visit, that way if they don't want to be subjected to it, they won't come over, but at least they won't feel stampeded in their own home. As for the vacation, it's neutral ground, but if your kids are going to be allowed to be wild in the indoor areas, everyone will be annoyed including yourselves, so it is worth considering canceling.

I have two cousins like this, most of our extended family has disciplined sons, and it is super stressful when the crazy 2 are around the people with disciplined kids. Suddenly there are short tempers and people rolling their eyes, and gossiping about bad parenting, etc., and their mom starts complaining about everyone else being mean to her kids who are "all boy" (like the other people's sons aren't?). She doesn't even send them outside when she cant' control them! She just feels everyone should be OK with the racket. Everyone sort of dreads when they'll show up. It's sad because it's not the kid's fault, but it is so much nicer when they're not there making chaos in crowded indoor spaces when no one else is allowed to.

well mine is only (almost) 5 so take this with a grain of salt (and keep in mind i only have 1), but i really don't think the behaviors you describe are appropriate when visiting family, unless they are outside. "i have talked to the boys about being careful and not wrestling in peoples homes". to me that suggests that they do? honestly i would have a problem with that too. i don't know what your discipline is like or how much control you have over them, but it does sound to me like they act inappropriately. honestly, we don't have a "lot" of that in our home. occasionally my husband and son will wrestle a bit, but it's like maybe once a day for a few minutes. not even every day. and it certainly doesn't involve jumping/running/bouncing off the furniture. it's on the floor or the bed. just how we do it.

makes "zones" and/or specific times where they can jump and run around and where they can not. make these zones clear to your family members so they are in the loop. and if i were you i would tell your family that you and your husband discipline the kids, not them, and that they should talk to you directly with their concerns instead of yelling at your kids, and you will do the follow up.

good luck mama!

I'm from a family of 5, with 3 very active brothers (all are adults, and all are very active in a variety of sports and physical activities, still even as very busy full time parents & workers).

Your kids are old enough to understand that there are different rules at different places, and with different people. So, I would just be upfront with them about your expectations when you go on vacation, as to their behavior. And what "setting an example" for the 15mo cousin--that he's little, they have to watch out for him, that he'll try to do what they are doing, and can't in some cases or might get hurt, etc. And set limits (no X in the house, YZ outside or in the pool are okay, etc.).

Then, tell your family before you go that a) you're all really looking forward to seeing everyone on vacation, b) you know that some family members have concerns about the boys behavior, but that they are normal, active boys who have high energy and that as long as they are not doing anything dangerous/hurting anyone, that you would appreciate their tolerance of the boys needs to exercise and burn off energy in high energy play, and that c) you had a talk with your boys, about how to play appropriately with their 15mo cousin and when playing with him, they will try to keep their energy more contained/play safefly; however d) as a 15mo, he is going to copy and its up to the other adult family members to make sure that the little baby is playing age appropriate activities, not the 5 & 7yos' job.

I have to say, I'm one of those people who don't really like loud rambunctious kids (see, just by my choice of the word rambunctious, I show my bias.... sigh). But I do try to keep my mouth closed when it comes to my family's kids (I have one nephew, man.... he played a game for years as a little boy, called "Knock Down Daddy" where my brother would kneel and my nephew would run at him and try to knock him over.... yikes.) I said plenty to my DH about my nephew (I do think his parents didn't do a good job guiding him as a youngster, but they weren't the worst, I guess). But I never said anything to him unless he was endangering someone else (like his younger cousins), for example, by running amok through the house swinging a stick -- and in that case, I sent him outside to play. I also would've have been less likely to judge him as much, if I'd seen him helping out, putting away his toys, acting in consideration of others--which he hardly ever did/does.... Seeing your kids do considerate things for the other family members would probably go a long, long way, to mitigating their negative feelings, imo! :)

The only thing I can think of is that they HAVE to calm down in other people's houses. If they are all over the place at other people's houses (not sure as you don't really say much about that other than you've talked to them about it), then your family has a point. If they ARE behaved at other people's houses, then you and hubby need to lay it out there. Talk to the other adults about discipline - no one else does it but you and your hubby; if they have an issue, they talk to you; and about expectations - see if you can figure out why they get fussy about how dynamic the boys are and try to difuse it. And try to look from their perspective - we are totally on our kids side most of the time, but sometimes we let things slide more than we should. Hopefully there's a middle ground somewhere :)

i have a similar situation with my husband's family. they have mostly girls and no more than a couple kids per family and we just had our 4th boy (the oldest is 6:) when we go on family vacations i try to get them some new games, books, puzzles, legos, gi joes etc. things that will occupy their time when it's time to be calm. also things that other people can do with them. maybe a new chapter book that someone can read to them. a lego set that someone can help them put together. fun games like battle ship or star wars trouble (my kids love these) also never underestimate the power of the outdoors and water and mud. my boys will spends hours playing with a bucket of water and bowls and mud and gi joes-they love it. and if all else fails a new dvd here and there or a mild computer game (my kids love lego.com national geographic for kids and anything i spy) never hurt anyone and might give you some leverage on curbing their behavior throughout the day. i hope you do see your family and that you find some advice that works in making this a fun summer trip. good luck!