Mamas.... help me feel better b/c I am SO freaking mad STILL!
The other night my friend came to visit me w/her daughter. I posted one time a while back about how our kids had a tiff and I punished my son more severely to appease this mom. I swore to myself I would NEVER over punish again to make someone else happy. He's my son.
So... we are in the living room visiting and the kids (both age 6) were in my son's room playing. The girl yells, not even a panicky yell, but a yell, so we go in there. She says that my son hit her. My son says the girl hit him. The mom starts to lose it and says, NO! and seriously starts YELLING at my child! I'm right there!!! So, I get mad and walk in a yell at her that he's MY kid and that I can yell at him myself thank you. I pick him up and walk off into the bathroom.
My son and I chatted about when anything happens not to hit, it's not okay, come tell on her. I told him that I did not appreciate that Mom yelling at him and that I am his mommy. After I took a while to cool down we came back out. I had my son apologize to the little girl and they went off to play again.
The Mom comes in and I told her that she was out of line and that she'd better not ever scream at my child again when I'm right there. She acted like it was utterly impossible that her kid could've hit too. She freaked out before she even knew what happened or gave either kid ample time to explain.
She was very very upset that my son didn't get punished. (nobody was bleeding, crying, bruised, etc. They are kids, things happen). I told her that we punish differently and I don't believe that screaming is the proper way to do it. I said that he doesn't get screamed at when he's in school. I also told her that she is teaching her daughter all she has to do is cry a little and mom will come in and freak out and save the day. I told her that she wasn't in that bathroom with my son and me and she had no idea what was said in there.
She came back with that I act like my son does no wrong and that he should've been punished and that she KNOWS that her daughter would NEVER have hit.
I told her her that no kid is perfect, all kids hit, and even if I do think my son is perfect I don't express it by screaming at her kid. Then I reminded her that he has an Autism diagnosis (PDDNOS) and that he struggles in social situations. He gets frustrated easily and that he is taking a social skills class at school to work on it.
She said that I was just "playing the Autism card" to excuse his behavior.
I said that I will not yell at my son about his social behavior and that will not teach him anything. I said that she doesn't know Autism well enough to understand.
She said she knows plenty about Autism. (as far as I know my son is the only person she knows with ASD)
We then kinda went off into apologies. She said she wouldn't over step that line again. But how the hell could she know anything about Autism? I've lived Autism for 6 years! She doesn't know the daily things that go into it! I'm just still very mad that she over stepped that line and began to YELL at my son before hearing out what happened, especially when nobody was bleeding or injured. It was a swat. Of course I want him to to know that hitting is not okay, but I'm going to believe him if he says another kid hit him too. Most importantly I am going to communicate with him and practice with him, not freak out and yell.
So.... I have been friends with this girl for a long time, but I can't do it anymore. I can't do play dates that will end in her freaking about her precious little baby and my little devil. I can't seem to let this go though... I've been stewing about it for a whole day. Any thing you can say to make me feel better Mamas? Have you ever had a mother straight up YELL at your child? What would you have done?
Thanks everyone!!! You gave me balanced perspectives and made me feel better! I don't doubt that my son hit her daughter. I guess what bothers me is how she acted like hers was 100% innocent. I think it takes 2 to tango. Just like with out own mothering fight it was both of us.
The Autism wasn't an excuse, but rather a reminder that yelling is ineffective. I want to educate him to not hit rather than scream at him about it.
I think I was very affected by her inability to hear both sides before jumping to a conclusion. It completely breached my trust. She used to be someone I'd leave my son with for an overnight. Now I feel like I can't even leave them in the same room together. I used to trust that she was a talk it out kind of mom, but I guess talking it out only pertains to her child and not any other.
I so appreciated hearing from ALL of you! I think I am going to distance myself. This is the straw that broke the camel's back. We have had plenty of other incidents and I don't think it's worth it anymore. I guess we will have to see... :-)
I support you cutting off all contact where the children will be present.
She will not really change.
Sounds to me like yours and hers MamaBear reaction is about the same. A perfect match. Too bad yall can't have a sense of humor about it.
:(
Easy solution: Stop talking to her, no more play dates.
I've yelled at my friends kids before. My friends have yelled at my kids before. HOWEVER, we know each other's lines, and we don't cross them. Like when my BFF yells at my son for throwing a rock at her window, good for her!! My son needs to hear from other people that it's not okay! Or when her teenage son got reeeeal mouthy with his mom one day, I stepped in and put him in his place, no sir, you don't talk to your mother like that, and you definitely don't do it in front of me.
You both need to lighten up. Kids hit each other all the time, they're BOTH guilty. The tattle tale is guilty. She's guilty for yelling, you're guilty for over reacting. You're both playing sides in favor of your own kids whether you'll admit it or not. You should be flattered that your friend thinks of your kid as her own, enough to lay down the rules. Either get on the same discipline page, or don't hang out... but do not expect to go through life being the only disciplinarian in your child's life. It truly takes a village.
Just try to hang with her when there are no kids around. Seems pretty simple.
Sorry but I can't stand when people use a disorder as an excuse and I agree hitting is an automatic timeout in my house and should be taken more seriously. She was wrong for yelling at him but in my house they would not have been aloud to go back to playing it would have been the end of the play date. If your child lacks the skills to handle social situations then they should be supervised play dates. I have friends with children that are autistic and they never use it as an excuse.
I did yell at one kid during basketball last year. He is always beating up on my child, the coach corrected him turned his back the kid started again. His mother was not there oh did I yell I told him if he ever touches my child again not only will I call his mother but I'll call the cops too. He hasn't even looked at my son wrong since then. He's mom excuse was he can't help it he has ADHD and sensory problems.....sigh...correct the problem don't make excuses for it.
Wow!! I'm shocked - this is the same one you posted about just last week about being excited to see!!
Bottom line? She's had problems with you and your son in the past - the way she treats your son is NOT acceptable and really, she doesn't sound like a friend.
Yelling at your son for supposedly hitting her daughter was not right. Using the Autism card doesn't excuse it - but it should help some understand. Since neither of you saw the incident with your own eyes - it's hard to punish for it...it's a he said she said...and the little girl is the drama queen.
I would just tell her that you are on different pages and that it is not in either of your best interests to be friends anymore...thank you for the memories..
I'm easy going and even tempered, but if another parent yelled at my child, I would be upset. And then the whole conversation you described after with the "Autism Card" would have made me furious. A good friend of ours has a son with PDDNOS and he is now 6 and does have a hard time in social situations. We all love him, and I cant imagine yelling at him in the situation you described. Run in traffic, sure I would yell, squabble with my kids, no.
Put this friendship on the back burner right now. Give yourself time to cool off. I'm sure you both ever other friends and other playdates you can go to. If you feel like getting together in a couple of months, go ahead, but there is no reason to push things right now while you are still both upset.
Yelling is ineffective with our without autism in the picture. It is a worthless way to communicate. My comment wouldn't have been "don't yell at him when I'm right there." Rather, "Don't yell at him ever. Period." She was out of line. I would suggest that you have the children play in the same room you are in. Don't let them go off on their own if this type of thing happens. It isn't worth it. I think it is good to monitor the activity of children, especially if you think there might be extenuating circumstances to do so, like what you mentioned. It's better for the children and the parents. And, kids tend to pull less of the "he hit me" garbage when they have adult supervision.
If she apologized, you have the choice to forgive her and move on, or hold a grudge and let the relationship go. It's up to you to decide what you want to do. If you hold onto the relationship, supervise your kids.
I would have asked her if she ever uses her xray vision for good or is it always evil. After all that would be the only way she could see her daughter didn't hit.
I always went on the assumption that everyone is telling the truth so everyone gets punished. That way there is no upside to being a better lier. Just not a life skill ya know?
The biggest thing your friend needs to get about Autism is they are literal, very literal. So yelling at them, especially when they are telling the truth, just confuses them. They can't look at a situation like she is manipulating mom so I am being yelled at. They will try to connect the dots with she hit me, I hit back, I got yelled at but not her, why? Then purple unicorns could stampede through the room and they wouldn't notice because they are working on that puzzle.
The worst part is the first logical thing that falls out of that situation is she yelled, I didn't, and he may think it is rational to yell to avoid being yelled at. Yup I am sure that was the life lesson you wanted learned there.
Wow! I think you need a new friend. I don't think I'd be scheduling another "play date" with this woman - ever.
She sounds absurd, and to suggest that "she knows about Autism" to the mother of a child with Autism....are you kidding me?
I'd be pissed to, Mama. She's offended you in every way. And I think what's probably eating at you the most is that despite your child's difficulty, she still chose to attack him.
I'd be done with her entirely. It's one thing to have a different parenting style than someone else - we all do. It's another thing when not only do you choose to not respect it, but to challenge it in front of the kids.
Screw her!
Sounds like mama bear reactions out of both of you simultaneously.
If she's a good friend I'd let it go, just make sure the kids are playing nearer by so you dont have this "worry" anymore.
If you arent that good of friends with her then don't hang out with her anymore.
Just remember the next kid that comes along will come with the same packaging, a mom.
As for her yelling at your kid, she was in the wrong. If you had been at her house I would feel different. Since you were at your house, it should've been you to control the situation, not her. I can see where she overstepped, but as moms we all do at some point. It seems like maybe she was stewing about what, if anything, would happen this time around and that she was just 'waiting to pounce'.
I probably would've questioned both of them together. 'Becky what happened?' 'Bobby, what do you say happened?'. Then see if the stories match, and if they don't who's not telling the truth? As it stands now the mom still thinks her daughter was wronged because you talked to your son in the bathroom and wouldn't tell her what was said.
My suggestion would be to just not call her for play dates anymore. If she calls you to set one up, then you can address it at that time. 'well, i'm not sure. It seems that when the kids get together someone gets hurt and then you and I end up upset at each other.'
As for her saying that she knows about Autism, maybe she does. Maybe she has other friends or family members that are dealing with that.
M.
.
I agree with the posts that suggest the kids shouldn't play together anymore. If you enjoy this woman's company as a friend, then maybe pursue that after you have cooled down a bit. But if it were me, I'd think the kids are too different and not compatable friends.
You are right in every way!!
I wouldn't manage better .
My motto is, if I didnt see it, there is nothing I can really do about it but just grill into them to keep their hands to themselves.
I would never in my life yell at another persons child. If the mom wasnt around, and the kid needed direction, then sure, yelling, no way. But you cannot say who did what if you didnt see it.
Personally, I would have just been like, if you guys cannot get along and be nice no more playdates and thats that.
If she has such a problem with your son, why does she bring her little sugar spice over anyways? lol
Id have to distance myself from this chick. Nobody yells at my kids, especially under that circumstance. If they are about it get hit by a truck, go ahead and yell your face off! lol
I would've told her to worry about "parenting" her own kid & asked them to leave. Your house, your rules, your kid, end of story. She crossed the line.
I believe my advice on your last post about this was to move on from this "friendship". You two have very different kids, very different parenting styles & it sounds like quite different personalities & there WILL be many more instances like this one. Sometimes you are not compatible & that is okay. Why you would continue to invite these people over, when it seems like all they do is bring stress into your household, is beyond me. I would've already moved on, personally. You can't change the way people parent or don't parent.
This is your call. Put away the fight and other things, and think of only the relationship and its value to you. Do you value her over these things? is she worth a friendship, IF you can work out the children differences? Does she benefit your life and lifestyle? As far as what I see, I dont know her or her side as well, she obviously doesnt like your parenting styles. I dont think she was actually in the wrong as far as they way she treats her kid. You were angry with her yelling but yet you called her on the carpet for the way she raises and treats her own daughter. You judged her as MUCH as she judged you. Your handling of the situation was out of fustration and defense of your own son, in which you admit has Autism and strikes out in social situations. If you know this, why do you leave them un-attended. Maybe the girl hit him? maybe not, and your having problems with this because I think you know he did do it, but your more irate that the friend got angry with it and yelled. She also lost her cool and did the wrong thing. Most social situations you dont ever punish or reprimand other kids unless you specifically mention to them if they can or not. IF you had a conversation PREVIOUS with this lady and laid the facts clear and precise to her about her limits. Then she deserved your wrath at only this issue. If not, they you didnt make it clear where she stands. I have 3 and I KNOW they can be naughty, I never put it past them to be the aggressors. However I tell who ever they are playing with at the time, feel free to let them know if they are being naughty. I say TELL, I never say touch. If my kids feel unfairly yelled at or reprimanded they tell me and I sort it out from there, after fuming a bit in another room. So its really your choice with this woman, it might be a friendship where only you two should meet for coffee or lunch, kid free, if that is not the case, then meet some where on mutual ground where the kids have other kids or other things to occupy them and they can get away from each other if they dont like each other. 6 years old is an age where kids distinctly know if they like one another. It might by the girl didnt really want to be there to begin with or the boy didnt like the girl messing with his stuff. Its not right to think they are just going to be best of friends in 10 minutes and play fair and sweet for the visitation period. Most adults loose track of time when visiting. What to them seems 20 minutes tends to drift into 50... and the kids whos attention spans only handle about 10 at a time, will start to become naughty, or bored. Especially those with Autism. Now she MIGHT not know about yours sons particular brand of Autism, but are you sure she doesnt know anything? do you think maybe she has someone in her circle whos children have it? maybe a family member? If your son has this, you know there are SOOOO many forms of it. There are degrees and variances. If he is a functioning Autistic its hard for others to see this. My cousin/friend adopted 3 brothers from the same family. God Bless her soul. As the months went on, she noticed, and had them all tested and all 3 came back with results of varying degrees and types of autism. There are days I think shes playing the autism card as well, but then I stop and think, well of course she is, they have it. I dont get mad though. I try to be patient and understanding. Its difficult, my kids dont have it, and they are a handful as it is. There are days I want to scream my head off at her kids, but I dont, however I do give them stern warnings if they are behaving badly at my home. I talked to there mom though. It was made clear from the start where I stand in that department. Really think the situation through and try to understand on her end. If you want to keep her around, a heart to heart is in order.
