Someone Else Getting on to Your Child?

She can ask him to stop, and she can ask you to deal with it if he's doing something annoying - that's normal; but I'd have to fight to keep myself from punching someone in the face if they grabbed my child like that. Just reading that kicked my "mamabear" reaction into gear. If you can avoid spending time with her specifically, I would.

I would definitely not mind if someone saw my child SLIGHTLY misbehaving and just SAID something to them. If they touched my child, that would be something else. I would tell them this is the way I felt and no exceptions to that rule and tell her that behavior is not acceptable. She's looking for a confrontation with other moms/dads if she continues. I certainly would not even leave my child in the room alone with her.

I have been in situations where a one of the kids takes something, or hits, or is just playing rough, and I may go in and say that it isn't nice to hit/etc. and play the mediator. I have also done the "Excuse me", when getting pushed (myself) by a bullying bigger child trying to push my 2.5 yo and myself out of the way, and even told the bigger kids to quit the roughhousing around the little ones. Yelling, never, unless it was one of those gut reactions, "Nooooo!"s for a good reason. I would have told that woman to get her hands off my child and left right then. If she tried yelling at my child while I was right there, I would let he know that that is not how I deal with that situation and would have dealt with it in my own way.

If you enjoy her company outside of that, why not tell her how you feel? Worse case, she is mad at you and won't talk to you, but that seems to be where you are headed right now anyway, right?

I'd be angry if someone did that to my child too. If she thought your son was too rough she should have said something to you, or just said gently to your son, "Be gentle". He's 1 1/2 for heaven's sake, grabbing him and saying "I've had enough" is totally inappropriate. I agree, avoid her. God knows how she treats her own child.

I do believe in correcting a friends child if they were doing something that was not appropriate behavior, just as I would expect them to correct mine...That being said I also believe that you correct them in a gentle way, especially when they are 1. I would not be happy with someone yelling at my child and I would never think to yell at someone elses....AND poking is something that gets a "be nice" at most...Since you have spoken to her on the matter she obviously doesn't care, so I suppose the best sollution for me would be to avoid her and if you have to be around her make sure you are there and ready to intercept any disiplining she might try to do.....:)

I have no problem telling other people's kids what to do. It takes a village to raise a child.

Ther is a difference with physically grabbing another child or verbally correcting them. If we are on the playground and another child (doesn't matter if I know the family or not) provokes or hurts my daughter, then I will verbally correct that child, ESPECIALLY if the mother is doing nothing or not paying attention. I would never, however physically grab that child, yell at them or otherwise discipline them, but I think it's ok to say "DD doesn't like this, please stop" or even " we don't play that way, please leave DD alone".

I think you have gotten two important lessons: make sure that your "friends" know your limit when it comes to your kids and not only observe, but supervise and parent. No parent like their kids to be bugged/annoyed by others on the playground. Kids that age don't have great social skills and it is your job to be there with them and teach them. At least you could have been with your son in that situation and explain "he just want's to play" and "son, please don't poke, we give gentle touches" "we ask before touching" things like that.
Good luck!

There are lots of ways to "get on to" someone else's kid. I have been known to to it in exactly the way I do with my own grandson, with a calm observation about what has just happened, and a polite request that something else happen next time.

It would never, in my estimation, be appropriate to grab, shake, strike, or shout at any child unless it was to prevent imminent danger. I have never had such a situation occur yet; I imagine they are few and far between.

I'm glad you restrained your impulse to attack this woman, verbally or otherwise, because that's exactly the sort of behavior that you found so objectionable in her. She may be only parroting the sort of parenting she received, and doesn't have any idea that there are other parenting styles that might work better. Lots of people do that; I read examples on mamasource every day.

Your choice not to expose your son to this young woman is entirely reasonable. If your mutual friend ever asks why you don't want the kids to get together, you or your husband could gently and calmly explain. And I stress "gently and calmly," or else the friend and his young woman will probably only get defensive, and no change is possible when one is defended against it.

Um wow, she was a bit aggressive with him....
And it is good you told her, bluntly, what you felt about it.
She still does it, though.
She sees nothing 'wrong' with it.
So yes, do as you are doing... don't go around her.
Also teach your son... that grabbing his arm like that is wrong... and mean.
Teach your son, to always tell you... if anyone is rough with him... or a bully...

.

I agree with you 100%. I would be furious, no one touches my child! It's one thing if he had actually done something wrong and she told him no, but you do not touch someone's child. If she does not understand that you are sitting there and can handle your own child then your children do not need to play together. It's sad but if she doesn't get it you do not have any other choice that I can see.

I have absolutely no problem wading into a bunch of kids, or hollering warnings (with a smile in my voice... you know the kind, like "If you can't sort it, the toy is going away!" or "Take turns!") from across the room... but I never EVER yell at another child (I've only yelled at my own son 3 or 4 times in his life) or put my hands on another child *unless* it's to pick one child up off of another (fights... regardless of who is on top, the child on top gets scooped up and set aside), or for hugs/ swing pushes/ "catches" on the playground, etc.

I would be LIVID if anyone laid their hand or voice on my son.

Here's what I see when I read this question...she sees your son poking, hitting, whatever YOU call it to her child and you do nothing to stop it. i would be annoyed too. You have to see things from her point of view too. I have a friend whose kids are constantly doing things like this and she is a very lenient parent and I am not, my kids mind in public and other places. Mine don't get up at restaurants and play after they eat,mine stay seated and we leave when we are done, it's not a playground, not a merry go round, or anything but a place to show respect to others eating. She lets her kids get up, run around, play under the table, it's just plain annoying.

So, I am familiar with the other side of the story. My friend is always letting her kids pick on mine and I finally had enough and told the oldest boy off. If she had said a single word to me I would have been long gone out of her life. But she said it was okay, it takes a village.

If you don't want to be around her then stop, don't accept invitations. Just say no. But be aware others will say things to your kids if they are doing things other parents don't think are cute and harmless.

At 18 months your child is cute and most likely harmless but still, telling him hands stay down or we keep our hands off our friends is not a bad thing even now.

I shall answer your last question: "why do some people think it's ok to get onto someone else's kid?" This is, of course, strictly MY OPINION. Some people do not like to sit by quietly while watching ANYONE (even a child) hurt their child and the mother of that child NOT SAY OR DO ANYTHING. So they step up and dicipline the child. I am not saying this is right, I am not saying that I do this, I am only answering the question you posted in my own opinion. Just continue to do what you are doing, do not be around her. Eventually she will either a) miss you enough that she changes her ways or b) realizes that she doesn't miss you at all and you won't ever see her again. Both of these outcomes are ideal. You will get what you want in the end, which is to avoid people who dicipline your child (that is YOUR job) or have her around but she won't dicipline your child. I wish you nothing but the best with the situation.

You are absolutely right to tell her that she's not allowed to "discipline" your child! If she has a problem with his behaviour she's to tell you about it and YOU will deal with it as you see fit. If I were you though, I'd tell my friend that I'm still happy to see him but NOT to get together with his girlfriend and the kids. Maybe you can share a babysitter and go on a "double-date" and see how you get on without kids around. If it were me, I would have scooped up my crying child and left the premises immediately with or without my husband!! Sorry NOBODY "touches" MY kids EVER!!! Good Luck! (Btw - we ended a 20 year friendship because of the same thing. I'd rather have a happy family than "friends" who can't behave themselves!)

Oh that's a BIG NO NO! You never lay hands on anybody else's child EVER!
She is a lucky woman that you did not lay your hands on her.
That's breaking a big mom code.
If you asked her and she did not "get it" then yes that would be the end for me.
C.

Hmmm....if another child is bothering my child and the parent is right there not doing anything about it, I will tell the child to knock it off and help my child find something else to do, but I usually give the parent a chance to take care of their child first. If it is something a little more hurtful- like throwing rocks at the playground- I will tell the kids to stop throwing rocks.
If my kids are doing something that I am unaware of and they no better then to do, I am glad that their are parents out there that will tell my kids to knock it off- then my kids really get in trouble! :)
It sounds as if your friend is not even giving you the chance to try and parent the situation. If you really want to keep the friendship, I would sit down with her and explain that you would like to be given the chance to parent your own child and that if she is worried about things your child is doing, she should let you know so you can handle it. As his parent, you are in charge of his discipline and you don't necessarily agree with her methods. Let her know that you will be more vigilant to keep your son in "check" so he doesn't' accidentally harm her daughter.
Although you may see his poking as harmless, she might perceive it as a threat to her daughter. Yes, at 1 &1/2 yrs, kids are curious and learning and they aren't doing things to hurt, but still they have to learn what is acceptable and what is not. You could have said, "no, we don't poke. Be soft" or "be nice to your friend." she shouldn't have jumped all over him, but if he has done similar things in the past and you have just admired him for being cute, I can understand her reaction- a little.
I had a friend who thought her son was just being cute and wouldn't discipline him when he hit our son (who was about a year older). yeah, he was little, but even little kids can hit hard. I finally got on him when he hit our son with a toy that left a red mark. After that my friend was more diligent about keeping an eye on her own son.
Good luck!
~C.

Oh my goooooodness !! This lady should just take her child and put her in a bubble!. What your son did was innocent and normal and just plain cute ! No big deal. Sounds like she went off the deep end. What she did and how she reacted to the situation was totally out of control. Maybe she could use some help - or- a prescription. Because she's the one that did the harm.

i only think its appropriate if another child is either physically taking things or physically touching my child or calling them mean names, to do anything. assuming the mom isn't. i've been around so many kids at the library where their kids are SO rude and inconsiderate and just swipe stuff from mine or push them down and their parents do nothing. at those moments i usually tell my child that the other kid is rude and apprently don't have parents around and we don't play w/those kids. i WANT to tell me kids to just shove the other one down and take the toy back. seriously. (i don't).

so the one thought i had was, is your child CONSTANTLY poking her child? if that's the case i could see it. otherwise i would be completely offended.
even if another parent verbally says something to mine when i am RIGHT THERE (which has happened) as if i dind't know what was going on i'd be mad!

I am sorry but if you said to me "I don't let others get onto my child" I would have know idea what you were saying and would probably have blown it off like this girl did.
Now I have no problem with someone else correcting my son when we have play dates especially if I don't see something happen but if someone else put their hands on my child (unless they grabbed them to prevent them from injury) I would probably deck them. Did this happen at her house or yours? I ask because different people do have different house rules. I do not like it when kids put their hands on someone else my rule is hands to yourself because I find that it will escalate until someone ends up hurt so if you don't like her enforcing her rules at her house even when it is just yelling/speaking loud and firm then I would simply break it down for her like this "I am sorry but I do not like other people correcting my child if it happens again we will no longer be able to have play dates"

if the parent of the other child doesnt seem to be doing anything after their child is picking on my child i would sit down with them and explain how the behavior isnt nice, or how it isnt something you should do. i would never grab someone else's kid and shake their arm. i may swat(gently, she cries when aunty even talks about swatting her) my neice for pinching or saying bad words, but my sister and i care for each others kids. but what this women did, if done in my house, would have got her pulled by the arm and out into my garage followed by a good swift kick in the butt. i woulda started shaking her arm and telling her i have had enough! well maybe not, but i would like too... i would sit down with her without the kids and tell her, if she wants the kids to be able to play together ther are certain expectations of HER. that she is NOT allowed to get onto your child. if you find his demeanor needing disciplined you will be the one to do it, not her. if she has a problem with something your child is doing, have her tell you.

unless she has a parents permission, she does not have the right to do that. no one likes another adult getting onto their child, i don't even like my inlaws getting onto my daughter or my step daughter's without consulting me first.

i'd flat out tell her not to touch my child again, then if she did tell the friend to not bring her around my children anymore if she cannot abide by your rules with your child, maybe tell her if she has a problem with your child she needs to consult you first and you will handle it

I say good for you. I would snapped the first time. I would not let her stop me from going places my child likes. I would make damn sure she does not go near of speak to my child. Her poor daughter.

I dont think its right too get on to anyone's child... I would just tell her look u can get on to ur kids all u want ,but i dont ever get onto my child if he/she is doing wrong then come talk too me about it. Kids will be kids and they will fight and go on but still they are just kids. I can see someone saying no in a low voice dont no dont hit "Abby" like that. Thats not nice. Give her a hug and tell her sorry or something like that.I go thou this everyday i have 2 kids of my own and my friends and kids and mine fight all the time. And that is the way we do it. We say no and a low voice and we also say u dont do that to friends and it works with us. I hope u fine that helpful.

Well if my daughter ever hit, shoved or was annoying another child, that childs parent wouldn't have time to discipline my DD because I would have already done it. I don't mind close family getting on to my daughter if she needs it, which she rarely does,but other moms shouldn't need to get on to others children if you are also present. I have a bit of a bugbear about parents who speak in that annoying soft chirpy voice to there children. "don't do that sweetie" . Children have to hear a tone in your voice that you are not happy. I have a friend that talks like that to her kids and all 3 of them are brats who just laugh in her face when she does it. . Just my opinion. :-)

You should have spoken up immediately. Something like "please take your hands off my son right now". I will gladly handle disciplining him but I do not want you to do it ever again. Then you should have turned to your son and reminded him that he needs to keep his hands to himself. Even if he didn't hurt her daughter, he shouldn't be poking her and should have apologized.

I think that parents should take care of correcting their own children if they are present. If the kid is doing something dangerous, it is reasonable for someone to step in for safety and then let the parent handle the discipline.

You should have a heart to heart with her when you aren't already upset. It sounds like from her wording that she at least perceived that your son had done something prior to the poke. In which case, maybe you should have spoken up sooner (she still should not have grabbed your son....telling him not to poke her is acceptable but not laying her hands on your son).

I agree with you! Plus, he's 1 1/2, he's likely to go poke her again another day :)

I have an aunt whom has never been a favorite in our family.. haha She had 2 kids of her own, but she would get on to all the other kids as well. And it would be for stupid stuff, AND it would be something that HER child was doing/had done, but of course she doesn't say anything to them! Ugh! I'm glad we are all grown! lol

She even fussed at me for holding hands with my boyfriend in front of the kids LOL oh please lady get over it... haha

Also, my sister sometimes get on to my daughter (4 1/2) for silly reasons. The other day my family was helping me move boxes to our new apartment. My daughter sometimes wanted to be outside, but then sometimes would get in the pathway of everyone walking. So my sister kept fussing at her to go back inside anytime she stepped foot outside! And of course that just sends her into a crying/screaming fit! No help at all!

When I catch this stuff I have to just step in and talk with my daughter myself. In this instance, my daughter had only wanted to come out and help! For pete's sake she can come out & "help"! I kept her with me for a few trips and she was fine.

Her son is 2 and is no angel either... lol

Another thing is my sister has a "switch". I think it's just one of those thin sticks from a kite. They threaten their son with it when he misbehaves, and I don't agree with using that. But my sister will always tell me that it's just magic & it only takes once for them to understand what that is... ugh I hope she never uses it on her when I'm not there! And if it's so magic, why does their son misbehave ALLLLL the time!!!

Oooooh -if another person laid their hands on my child like that, I don't know that I would have any self-control! I wouldn't have anything else to do with her and I wouldn't have a problem letting people know why.

It'd probaly be best if you keep your distance from her as you are. This would not be my advice if she had respected your wishes the first time rather than scolding him again. This is obviously something she is gonna do and i 'm with you. You don't know her well enough first of all...