My Husband and My 15 Year Old Son

Our family is in counseling (we're a blended family with 4 kids and my husband and two of our sons have ADHD). An ongoing source of stress is the poor relationship between my husband and my oldest son, age 16, who is my husband's step-son. During the first session with this new counselor, she asked my husband if he wanted to stay married to me. He said yes. She then said "here's the deal - if you want to stay married to your wife, you have to get along with her son. It's that simple. If you don't get along with him, you can't stay married."

It really is as simple as that. He either loves you enough to treat your son well and treat him respectfully or he doesn't get to be married to you.

Stand up for your son. If your husband is very stubborn and you can't get through to him, try counseling.

It's sad. Your son LIKES your husband yet your husband has NOT A clue about being a parent.
It's not your some fault.
Actually it's yours because you brought a man who is not father material into a situation requiring a man that is.
I love JB's counselor's advice:

She then said "here's the deal - if you want to stay married to your wife, you have to get along with her son. It's that simple. If you don't get along with him, you can't stay married."

What do you think of that?

I suggest that you not have your son stay with you. Your husband's attitude and actions are emotionally damaging for your son and your relationship with your son.

Sounds like your husband does not respect you and is unwilling to consider your needs. Do you want to live like this? You deserve hetter and so does your son.

If your husband acts this way because your son is disrespectful I somewhat understand. Yet, your husband is an adult and should he willing to cooperate with you to find a way to manage this. Issuing demands never helps a situation. Perhaps, emotionally, your husband is still a teen.

Are you happy at home when your son is not there? You deserve happiness.

It sounds like somehow your husband feels threatened by your son's presence in your home, or is unhappy that suddenly your son is the center of your attention, and not him anymore.

While your hubby is not dealing with this well, in his defense, it's just the two of you for 10 months a year and then suddenly, a teenager who neither of you raised comes to visit, and the routines of the house, and your lifestyle together changes.

This situation is more than a simple stepchild and stepparent issue. I would honestly suggest that the three of you attend family counselling together, because you are a pretty unusual type of family. Hubby can't know how to parent just because a teenager suddenly comes into his life for two months of the year. Attending parenting classes together too, might help.

But honestly, from what I can understand from your post, it's more than just that your husband resents that your son visits each year. If he is telling you that you can't live without him, he is trying to manipulate and exert control over you, and that's often a sign that someone is an abuser.

I suggest that your DH step back. You and he need to sit down and decide how you jointly want the household to run. Who is in charge of what and what the general rules are. I hazard to guess that this was never done, and when your son arrived in the summer, he had a "father" figure that wasn't really ready to be a dad. One of the biggest mistakes my mother did was to allow her then-husband to foist whatever parenting ideas he had on us (mostly my sister) when we were then teenagers. He had no idea, and she gave him too much authority when respect had not even been earned yet. It made my sister a very angry teenager.

What is your DH angry about? And is it something in your son's behavior that is normal kid stuff or needs you to address it? Is your husband wiling to do a parenting study with you, like How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and really try to take in the advice on, for example, how not to just yell at a kid?

If your DH is "me man, my house, I do what I please" and you allow it, I all but guarantee that as soon as your son can choose, he will not be visiting you anymore.

Sounds like the biggest issue is what your husband thinks a household and family should be run like vs a healthy approach. You and he might also do well to find a counselor so that you can address the balance in your marriage as well as how to handle your son's visits.

And did you notice I said "then husband"? There are reasons why they are no longer married, and his I'm the Man attitude was a large part of it.

Your comments are hard to understand, but it sounds like this marriage was not carefully thought out.

Lots of women are attracted to men who seem fine at first, but then show themselves to be demanding, selfish, hot-tempered, etc. after the relationship becomes more settled. This often happens to women who were raised in families with similar dynamics. Without realizing it, women send out signals that they are accustomed to poor treatment, and men who are likely to mistreat them are attracted to those signals.

If your husband would be willing to get counseling with you, try that. But he most likely will not, so your best choice might be to get out as quickly as possible. The next choice would be to get counseling for yourself so you won't choose another partner like this.

I wish you well.

If he can not keep his anger under control and deal with your son on a mature level I would really be concerned about bringing any new children into the situation, just my thoughts.

As for your current son, he needs your protection, he is YOUR son and you must stand up to your husband on his behalf, he comes first.

Maybe your son needs to stay with his aunt.

The worst thing you can do is tell a teen, do it MY way, follow my rules because it is MY house. they are at the age where instincts and hormones and mother nature tells them to figure out their own rules, live their own life and dont let someone else lead them along by their nose. This is survival, nature, etc and can help teens go the straight path, or send them into fight the authority mode. Teens need to be taught, "this is the right way to live" watch how we model our way of life, helping each other, caring for each other, respecting each other. Teens need to shown they are needed, a part of a family that helps each other and loves each other. It must be very difficult for a man to learn to be a father at this point. If your husband isnt willing to see a counselor for advice, Is it possible your son would be better off with his aunt until he is more grown up and past this rebellious stage and your new husband can look at him as a man, not a boy?

Your husband needs to think about what it's like for this teen boy. The boy is moving from house to house, trying to get used to a new situation, and your husband wants to treat him more like a plaything - someone to be cool with (which is about your husband's ego, not the boy) but someone to be in charge of (so your husband gets angry if he doesn't get his own way). So the problem is your husband wants control, he wants it to be "his house" (which apparently isn't "your house" and not even your son's house. So your son is supposed to feel "at home" in a strange house, with customs and rules he's not familiar with, It sounds like your husband expects your son to just know what the rules are, but there's no real communication.

Your husband is not a parent - he doesn't have the experience or the patience. Dealing with a teenager is not easy anyway, but it's certainly not easy when he doesn't know the child very well.

I'm not sure I understand the last part of the sentence. Is your husband saying that you would not be able to run the house by yourself if he were not there? Does he mean you aren't able to pay for it without his income, or does he mean you don't know how to run a household? If he is saying he makes the money so he makes the rules, that is really a macho attitude and very dismissive of women. If he says you aren't a good household manager, then he is putting you down and criticizing your abilities as a wife and as a mother.

It sounds to me like your husband wants to be the boss all the time and not spend any time caring about other people's feelings. If everything is fun and he's the cool stepdad, great. But if anyone else has needs (you, your son), then your husband isn't willing to make adjustments. Does your husband have anger problems anyway, or just when your son is around?

It sounds like you could use some outside help to have a better relationship and better communication. This is just not a good example for your son to see - this is the kind of man he will become, angry and arrogant, and he will go on to treat women this way.

A little confused here, but looks like your son comes every summer to live with you. And your husband is not always kind to him? Sounds like your husband is trying to find his place as a step father-either firm or nice he needs to be consistent. You need to have a family meeting, lay out the rules and consequences. Since he is fifteen he is in the changing time where he is headed to the possibility of having a job and just hanging out. Don't let him just hang out. But I am getting off on a tangent here. Make sure he has some activities to do or if there are work permits, perhaps a part time job somewhere walkable and responsibilities at the house. And talk frankly to your husband.Ask him what he expects. It doesn't matter who he was raised by this is your house and you will have your own rules. It sounds like he is a good kid but that step father just needs to figure out his place.