My Husband Is in Love....

Boy can I relate. I hated that computer! And then he got a laptop and it went everywhere with him. Sitting in bed, in the living room and in the office!! I thought I was going to go nuts. I finally had to tell him point blank : I hate the computer. And more importantly, I hate HIS computer. And he was like "why"? I thought I was going to bonk him on the head. I told him he needed to get a timer and set it so he could see how long he was really on there. He would get on right after work and stay on it until 1 or 2AM and not even realize it. I told him it's ok to need some stress relief, but if he didn't start being a husband and father, then I might have to find a replacement (I was joking with him). You aren't the only one!! Best of luck, Jen

My husband's in love with his car, lol! he got his Mustang GT for his 21st Birthday, and most of the time I believe he loves that car more than he does me.
I finally gave in the other day and TOLD him we neded marriage counseling. We fight over the smallest thigns too, i think it's just a bump all marriages eventually reach. It just takes a good jump start to get back on track!

http://www.themomteam.info/deanese0209

Hello A.,

I am a mother of 3 and WE ( our family ) are christians as well.
I am not sure if this is what you want to hear from me, but be thankful that he is at home and infront of the computer game and not out and about with friends drinking and hanging out with other guys and women. He is at home, you can see him and you know what is going on.

Did he see the baby being born? That might have FREAKED him out.

If you are looking to spend more time with him, you need to come on to him.

If he does not seem like he is interested then there is a big problem.

I wish you the best.

God BLess and pray always.

From one mother to another.

Hi A.--
Here's another possibility for dealing with your husband's recent attentions on computer games (and they CAN be addictive) and less attention on you as his wife and partner for life.
It could be that for the two and a half years before you two had your little baby, it was just you and him. Then with the baby, your attentions have really focussed on the baby and that's the way it should be--you're the mommy with the primary responsibility and the blessings of her total care. Your husband's response may have been to busy himself with something else--the computer games--while he waits for his turn for your time and attention...
You commented that you think you are bored at home--that is, not experiencing the fulfillment or role you had when you worked outside the home--and you are probably right. You are growing into a new role--mom!
So, are there "mommy and baby" clubs or city-sponsored programs you could attend during the day, getting out with other stay at home moms who probably used to work also? I found GREAT, sustaining friendships just going to the neighborhood park. That way, you will be filling up some of your "need" to have interaction all by yourself, and that is fine. Then, you may feel less "needy" when your husband comes home. I have found it's hard to FORCE a man to be attentive, loving, communicative. It's easier to meet your needs for companionship and let him see a more relaxed, fulfilled person that he WANTS to be with again. Be good to yourself, and find your joy and happiness and a mom, a woman, a wife--that will attract his attentions again in this time of new beginnings for your family.
D. :>

Since you mentioned that you are Christian, may I suggest to you www.marriagetoday.org. Jimmy and Karen Evans are an amazing couple that God really uses in the area of marriage, which can be very challenging at times...especially when children enter the picture. I am a mother of 2 boys and one on the way and married for 11 years. The source I have mentioned has been of great encouragement to our home. Hope this helps:)
Kathy

Hi A.:

Sounds like you and your husband need a "date" night at least once every 2 weeks if not every week. it is perfectly normal for you at this point to focus on your new baby but your husband was there first and will be after your baby grows up so you need to make certain he still feels like number 1 (even if baby really is to you at this point in time). Some day your baby will be a teenager and you must be certain that you and your husband will be able to provide a united front. Trust me on this.

B.

Start by reading a book by Gary Chapman called

The Five Languages of Love.

You are both drifting apart and you want time with people other than communicating with your 3 month old. All of us go through this and being a new mom is HARD! It's an adjustment for everyone.

p.s. Remembering back to my childrens birth and all... I remember going through the EXACT same thing. We were supposed to do an after dinner discussion except we never could because everytime we tried a baby would cry of something would happen. The nights we did, the dishes would mount, he'd go to bed and i'd have more work than I bargained for to do.

Having a baby means change, he needs to figure out what's bothering him if he's escaping to his computer games all the time. Men are a little slower with dealing on being a new daddy.

Having a baby can really take a tole on a marriage, for one even if he doesn't know it, your husband may have some sort of jealousy. Two, it is common to be to tired to spend time together, just try not to put such a stressfull emphasis on the time spent, enjoy what you can get. Three remember you both are going through an adjustment period and you may even be tired, hence the petty arguements. What are you doing when hubby is playing games? Maybe you could involve him somehow. Husbands have to feel needed at all times LOL. Laugh but its true. Just remember it took the both of you to make the baby and it is going to take both of you to raise her. Also remember both you and your husband will need time to yourselves seperately just for piece of mind. It is perfectly OK. God made men strong so don't be afraid to ask for help. Some women feel guilty because men work while they are at home and don't want to ask for extra help. Your job as a stay at home mom is just as hard as him getting up and going to work. You both need to understand that. Your baby is only 3 months old and your body and hormones are just now starting to get over the pregnancy. Dad may have some anxieties as well with the extra expenses so he may be stressing more. I found that when my husband and I first had our son it helped to escape together in the shower while baby was sleeping, the shower "woke us up" for the time together and I was able to get clean as well. LOL So hang in there and try not to stress too much about things. You are BOTH still adjusting to the "new family".
As for the boredom of the new role as mom and staying at home, well I am currently going through the same thing. I also feel guilty at times because I am not bringing in money anymore. Well, I started selling Mary Kay to bring in extra cash and to get out of the house every once and awhile. I also watch my friends daughter 3 days a week as well. Between my 5 yr old, my 7 mos old, my business, my friends daughter who is 3, and my house chores, I bring in a little extra money and I don't get a chance to get bored. Sometimes my lack of sleep will make me lazy, but I just consider the facts and remember to take time for myself.

A.,

Talk to your Pastor. He can help you both with this and I am sure he will recommend some great marriage retreats. I believe that when a hubby comes home from work he should get some down time (1/2 to 1 hr), he should also make time for you. You crave adult conversation and at times I am sure get lonely. You need him just as much as he needs you! Life does not have to change just because there is a new blessing in your life. He still needs to be a top priority in your life. I pray that you will seek advice from your Pastor and I will keep you in my prayers.
L. Jacobs

My advice to you is, get a babysitter that you trust and go to a nice quiet dinner with just your husband. Tell him how you feel and ask him his feelings. It could be that being new parents is exhausting you both and you both just want a little down time. You want adult conversation and he wants free time after work. He probably just needs to be reminded that you need to be cared for and paid attention to by him. Men do not think the way that we do so be patient with him. I am sure if you tell him how you feel, he will listen and then you can work out some type of schedule each day to have time together. I know the baby has lots of needs at this point but put her too bed and then ask your husband to please limit his computer time. Good luck! T.

It's good that you've tried to do teh couch time, but maybe then the conversation feels forced and artificial.
Perhaps, after dinner you could suggest a walk where the three of you could spend time together, have a natural talk and get some excercise too.
I feel it's really important to keep the communication going, because this is just the beginning. Your baby is only 3 months old, so you've a long way to go.
Also, you could try what I just did (and it worked) - suggest a date night. There is a movie coming out I want to see, so I said to my husband, "let's go out Saturday night for the classic date: dinner and a movie". Time for just us. You've got to remember that we take care of the house, the kids, the nitty gritty stuff and sometimes we forget that our relationship needs maintenance too. So, tell your husband that you miss him and MAKE time for you and him.

Well let me start by saying I have been there. Even I was into computer games competitively with my husband, when it was just my husband and I. After I had my now 3 year old son I didn't have the time or energy for it. It's like kicking a habit, it's not easy to walk away from. He's using it as a filler for something that is lacking or unfulfilled in his life. It may be he works a job he doesn't like, maybe your love life took a hit when you got pregnant, or maybe his spiritual life isn't as strong as he wants it or needs it to be. My husband went through all of that at the same time. Let's face it, after we get pregnant and have the baby, things are different. I can give you light at the end of the tunnel because my marriage and that "spark" is now better than it ever was. I started by fixing the intimate "us" time. Trust me he would much rather do that than play an computer game! Once we realized there was still something we had a passion for...each other, everything else fell into place. I prayed a lot and I really think that helped me to not get as frustrated with his computer, and the games he was playing. Believe me when I say it's not the computer that you are mad at, because it could've been anything...tv, sports, even an affair. Be lucky that he's just playing a game. Right now he needs to hear that you feel that he's disappointing you. I know that's hard to say to someone you love, but it snapped my husband back into reality. I'll keep your situation in my prayers and hope that you put this as priority right now, everybody will benefit from nipping this situation before it becomes a lot harder to fix. Just remember there is no overnight fix, it's a process and he'll need some time to ween off of this thing that he using to escape. If you ever need someone to talk to that's been there feel free to email me at ____@____.com

I have no advice for you because I have the same problem and have yet to figure out how to fix it! My kids are older, but there are still many things I have to do on my own while he sits at that computer...homework, dinner, clean up after dinner, bathe my daughter, get them in bed...and that's just what I can think of off of the top of my head! It's so frustrating! If you come up with something, let me know! Good luck!

Pray. Period. God answers all. Say to yourself out loud...I want my relationship with my husband to improve. What I found as a first time Mom of twins (3 years ago) was to have my husband be involved with THEM. I "made" him do the bath time routine. Because he is working out of the home 10 hours a day...he has little "quality" time with the children...so I kind of "forced" it...I knew how important having that bond is for Daddy too...he eventually had a routine down and they laugh and have so much fun in that time that is just theirs. Then, the couple of hours after bathtime to bedtime...maybe you could kindly suggest that be "no computer time"...say 7-9 pm is computers off time...at first it may be akward but eventually you'll start talking more, hugging/cuddling more.etc....connecting more...and things will just happen. Be positive. When two or more are in agreement...
God Bless you all...

Here is what I think:
You spend all day long with the baby and even tho it doesnt seem as much work for you it actually is!!!! what you have to do is sit down with him and talk about it, tell him how you feel, tell him that when he comes home you understand that he is tired and wants a break, but hey when is he going to spend some quality time with you???
so in another words you wait all day for him to come home for you to spend time with him and all he does is sit in front of his pc? not acceptable.
This is what i did with my husband.
He loves video gaming so much that is actually what he is studying for, computer animation, and his excuse used to be that the more he played the better he knew about the world he is getting in to.
I got so fed up with this attitude i took all the cables for his xbox 360 and his 2 pcs, and hid them and told him he was not going to play until he started spending time with me and baby boy, that family time is not video game time and there started the rules.
now he comes home, gets on his PC to save his stuff or animation rigs from school, he actually eats dinner with me now, doesnt sit on his PC desk to eat or at leats not as often as he used to which was everyday!!!
Give him an ultimatum, you are home all day practically doing the hard job here which is raising your beautiful princess while he is out interacting with the world getting good nights of sleep and not even appreciating what you are doing cus raising a baby and taking care of a house plus a husband is not an easy Job, so tell him you need for him to start doing his part cus marriage is not a 50%-50% job but a 100% of each of you to make it work.
Boy have I been there and is no fun!!!!

I told my husband that from now on to get on his pc he had to make sure we had spent enough time, watch a show or 2, eat dinner together, talk about things, talk about the baby, and most importantly keeping a connection with each other, know how each of you feel about each other
When baby is taking a nap, take a bath with him is not necessarily to involve s-e-x but to spend time and relax, have a glass of wine even in the tub, it relaxes you, and can help for a more relaxed state of comunication between the 2 of you.
If you are tired and have not gotten much sleep the night before ask him nicely to help around the house, so you can take a nap and maybe help with the dishes if he is not a person that likes to cook.
My husband does all this things now but he only started doing them when i realized that he didnt know how i felt about him, so i told him and asked him that if he wanted for this to work he had to put a lil more effort in to the relationship more than his PC's.
My progress with him, yes he still plays, but i asked him to put his alienware up in the room unplugged (to save more energy for one which he did)and one pc was enough for him to do his stuff from school, and that if he expected to play a game, well he just simply had to spend more time with me first and then play if he didnt have any homework from school to do. Now he asks if its ok with mefor him to play Crisis for a bit on his PC.
I guess a friend of mine was serious when she said she was trainning her Fiancee (which is my Sons Godfather) and I guess trainning them actually works or at least make them see how things really are.
Remember comunication is everything and good luck, God Bless

My husband and I had tthe same problem and we just started over so to speak. We went from being just us to a family of 4 over night. When I was 6 mths pregnant with my son his great-niece showed up with dcf on our door and that was in 2005 and now we are a family of 5. I just added a baby girl 5mths ago and we went nuts. We started with "date night" at home, its hard to find a sitter for 3 kids at the same time. All the kids go to bed and we sit down with a movie that we both have been dying to see or take out that we havent tried or had for a long time. Its has helped. The first time we acted like we were dating again and "made out" through the whole movie. Now we dont need a night. We cant get enough of each others company and talk about nothing like we did 7 years ago. Try it and if that doesnt work join him where the computer is. Spend time where ever. It doesnt matter where it happens as long as it happens.

Well it doesnt matter what game he is playing, if he plays it as often as you say he does then he is most definetly addicted. My advice to you would be to focus more on the quality of the time you both spend together. Even if its with your daughter for play time, or sitting at the table for dinner (which is un-heard of these days). I think as long as you both make an attempt to spend quality time together as a family, it will impove the type of communication you are looking forward to having with your husband. I would also take into concideration that (most) men dont long for that need to communicate and he may not even know its a problem playing this game all the time instead of family time. Sit him down and tell him how you feel in mono-tone and keep it as un-emotional as possible (most) men respond to that rather then reverting to the your always nagging me thing. Hope this help!

Hi A.!
Try going on a date with your husband every now and then! Do you have family in the area to watch the baby? I have almost the same problem, but I think one of the biggest problems we have is that my husband is not a believer. I wasn't a christian until after I was married! I have an 8 month old and I don't want his father to have any negative influence on him. he already says that he's going to make sure I don't brainwash our son into christianity!!! And that's the most important role I feel I have as a mother(to raise my son to love the Lord.) Is your husband a christian? that makes a big difference. By the way, I live in the Parrish area too, where do you go to chuch? I go to Sun City Christian Center (I do, not my husband!)

I may have the most dumb responce, but my mom plays (World of Warcraft computer game) and LOVES it... my dad was feeling left out and hurt. My brother plays with my mom from the other room and finally my dad gave up the ghost and joined in. Now they all 3 play together and have lots to play & talk about. Maybe you and hubby can compromise and play together and then have a few hours of family time away from the computer too.
Just an idea, best of luck !

You are on the right track, but the couch time needs to be qulaity time, not quantity. Think about something you would both enjoy and do it-- even if it's a non-talking time while watching a movie you've both been wanting to see. Or how about time with you and your husband and the baby? I know she isn't able to "do" much now, but as she gets older, it will be great if you already have an established daily routine that involves the 3 of you. Give her a bath together, read books to her, sing songs, whatever. You aren't wrong in wanting your husband to give you some attention, but make sure you are also getting out of the house EVERY DAY (even if it's just to the grocery store or for library story time) and be around other adults so you won't be relying on him for your only adult conversation. My husband has a "5 minute rule". I don't bombard him with ANYTHING (problems, questions about his day, even cute stories about what the kids did that day) until he has had time to unwind after work and the rush hour traffic drive home. The "5 minutes" is sometimes a lot longer and sometimes a few seconds.. I just say, "Let me know when your 5 minutes are over because I have stuff to tell you." That way, he feels like he is in control, which makes him feel better (when in reality I just controled the fact that he WILL be giving me face time!!)

Read The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! It will enlighten you and give you tools to improve your marriage quickly and simply. Hang in there--it'll get easier.

-k.

Not sure what game he's playing but if it's World of Warcraft. The game is so addicting that they actually have a cessation group for them, like AA for Alcoholics. This game is that addicting and can and will ruin lives, like alcohol or gambling.

So, hopefully it's not. Try to make a date night at least 1 time every month to start out where you go out with out the little one and get away from everything and do what you guys used to like to do together before becoming parents. If money allows and time you can do it more often.

Good luck and I really hope things work out.

Congratulations-you and Christian and bringing your child up in a Christian home! Pray about the situation, which I am sure you have. How about a surprise romantic dinner, candlelight at all! How about planning an activity with friends that you will both enjoy? Have you tried to talk to him in a non-accusatory, peaceful mananer? So much tv, computers, computer related games and activities are distracting us from the really important things. I will keep you in my prayers!!!!

I think this is something most men go through. My husband needed some pushing and asking and eventually when he was ready He told what was going on. We weren't getting time to ourselves and he wasn't getting time to his self because even though he wants to be there every second to take care and love on the little one most men just can't do it full time like we can. My husband still comes home and has a little bit of time to himself and then comes out and we have more family time just make sure you are getting some time for yourself as well because you need it too. PLus there is also this period some men go through where they look at us differently for my husband it started after he saw the video ultrasound, and lasted until about six months after my sons birth, everything was okay and back to normal well as much as it could be with a little one to tend to. Just let your husband know whats bothering and and don't push him for an answer because maybe he doesn't even know but this will help him figure it out of ask around for help and then he will come to you when he is ready. I was surprised by what my husband said but it helped me understand and us get through this time. Good Luck getting yourselves back takes a while after having a baby but you will in good time.