My Husband Thinks Our Son Is Conspiring to Undermine His Authority

The boy is 5 and the hubby is HOW OLD??? I think he is the one that may need the help. Does he have any mental disorder? He maybe thinking this way about other people but just doesn't say anything and when he gets home he take it out on the boy. I look into councilinng for the man. I know that is easier said then done. I would go as well so that way he doesn't feel alone. And maybe things would be different.
I hope I helped a bit and good luck to you
CindyC

Have you told this to hubby? Perhaps see a therapist or take parenting classes together so he doesn't think you are taking sides. Not that you guys are bad parents I just think if he hears things and learns how to deal with them that may help.

Sounds like your hubby doesn't understand that five year olds are children, not little adults....or he is jealous of not being the only "man" in your life. Help your son remember to chew with his mouth shut (quietly remind him before mealtime and any/all snack times as well so it becomes a habit). That will help with this situation but be prepared for more to come.

I think you've created a home where your husband thinks your son is more important to you than he is. Who did you marry? Your husband, of course. That relationship should always be the MOST important in your life or it could slowly be thrown away and the next thing you know it's just you and your little guy at the dinner table.

Your son knows you feel like you have to "protect" him from daddy. Your husband is right in wanting you to back him up. You and your husband need to be on the same page. It sounds like your husband is harsh and he needs to be kinder in his delivery. But, I'll bet your son never forgets when you promise him a treat or time to watch his favorite show or tell him you're going on a special outing. So...having worked with children for over 25 years, I can tell you that children remember what they want to remember. And if mommy is constantly telling little junior that daddy is too harsh, that is showing division in his world that is not good for your marriage or your son.

It is important to your husband that your son has good table manners. That is a good thing. At least he cares about his son's behavior. Your son has a habit of chewing with his mouth open. Why not take this opportunity to change your son's habit and show support for your husband by giving your son something positive to look forward to if he gets through the meal without chewing with his mouth open? And I would make sure the plate is as close to the edge as it can be for your little guy. So...how about a piece of candy sitting in the middle of the table on a special little plate to remind him to remember his manners? Now is the time to teach him. You don't want to be making excuses for your little guy when he's 13, 18, 25, or 40. I feel sorry for children who have mommies making excuses for them all their lives. They grow up to be adults whose mommies are still making excuses for them.

Best wishes to you as you work this out. I hope you and your husband can find a middle ground where you work together to bring your son up to be a responsible adult with good manners and respect for his mother AND his father.

~P. G.
www.Portland Preschool Directory
www.MrsGowing.com

Would that all of our children were perfect! Hubby needs to calm the heck down! Have an honest talk with hubby and let him know that a 5 year old isn't always going to be perfect. More, 5 year old picks up a lot of how they act by what they see, hear, etc. So, while hubby means well, it's not the message but the delivery that's not so good. A little positive reinforcement goes a long way. Hubby is expending an awful lot of negative energy. He really needs to pick his battles.

As parents, we tend to find the negative 10 times more than the positive. If hubby could just remember this it will go a long way. Praise the positive no matter how small. Speak softly about the negative. When is the last time he said 'thank you' to your son? Just things to think about.

Wish you luck!!

I think your husband is taking your sons behavior the wrong way. Yes it is annoying that he doesn't do what he says 2 mins later but he's 5. Maybe he needs a book about what to expect from a 5 yr old. Or a class in early childhood development. Your husband just has unrealistic point of view. No 5 yr old deliberately forgets stuff to get yelled at unless he gets no positive attention. Maybe if your husband had a "time in" once a day with him he might
listen better?

your husband is right your son is plotting to take over the world! geeez he needs to get a grip. if he continues to nag and pick at his son he is just looking for trouble when he gets older. all kids have crummy eating habits and are messy and loud. if he has such a distain (sp) for his eating manners have him sign your son up for charm school to teach him how to do things correctly. I'm sorry but your hubby sounds like a douch.

Chances are, you are both right. Five year olds are not good at remembering these things. BUT, they also have a tendency to push the limits of their bounderies. The division between his parents is likely the biggest driver of his behavior. You two need to sit down and discuss (outside your son's hearing) what behavior is reasonable for your son at this age and what the consequences are for not following that set of rules. Then be consistant, no changing the rules just because something annoys you today or you are in a bad mood. Or be more leinint as a way back at your spouse.

Are you undermining your husband in front of your son? He maybe doing it because he knows he can get away with it because you back him up instead of your husband. Sorry, but I agree with your husband on this one. A five year old should remember to chew with their mouth closed and over their plate. A mom and dad shouldn't contradict each other in front of the kids. My husband and I don't always agree on what to go with our daughter, but we always back each other up in front of her. Then, behind closed doors we discuss our differences.

In your first sentence you say "how can I get my husband to realize that MY 5 yr old son isn't plotting against him?"
Is this not his biological son? If that is the case your husband is feeling inadequate and insecure about how to properly raise another mans son maybe?
If he is so paranoid that a 5 yr old is plotting against him, I would say he is dealing with guilt and other issues involving raising another mans boy.
Correct me if I'm wrong.

Having gone through age 5 with 3 (soon to be 4) kids- they remember and can do a lot more then you give them credit for. They are not babies anymore, but will act like it if that's what gets them attention. I agree that you need to be backing up your husband. And you both need to agree on how to handle the problem before it arises. For example, if your son is asked to chew with his mouth closed and he doesn't, he gets one reminder then he is done at the table until everyone else is finished.
It isnt' too early to start teaching him goo table manners- it just gets harder to do when they are older! But right now your son is learning to play you and your husband against each other- I'm not saying that he plots this out and is devious- but he does see that mommy will let him get away with things that daddy won't -so if daddy says no, go ask mommy and she will say yes. That is where he is at right now. You need to stop it before it gets too out of hand. And if ever you disagree with how your husband has handled a situation or disciplined your son- you have to talk with him PRIVATELY- and let him know you didn't like the way he handled it and suggest another way it could have been done better.
The constant "picking" will stop once your son realizes that mommy and daddy are on the same side- and if daddy says to do something, mommy will make sure it gets done.
So, no- your son is not devious or plotting against his dad- he's just a lot smarter then you give him credit for.
~C.

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While I don't think your son is plotting exactly, I do think he's testing his limits. Now, that's something that all children do, but that does not make it okay. You and your husband need to figure out a united way to teach your son the proper way to eat, among other actions. I really don't think your son "forgets," though that is an answer that our sons (4 and 5.5) often give us, also! Regardless of the reason for improper behavior, we stick with the punishment decided before mealtime starts, such as no dessert. Your husband (and you) both need to remain calm, restate the offending action and follow through on consequences, no matter how many times your son "forgets!"

Sometimes you have to let Dad be Dad.
His ways are a little different than yours. I agree he's being a tad anal, but I really don't think it will damage your son in the long run. What you might try to do is redirect your Hubby on how y'all should be sharing dinner time in a fun way and not make it an undesirable place to be. However, kids do need repetition sometimes.... I would not let my child chew with his mouth open either and that does take some training.
I would explain to dad just that.... He's not being undermined, the kid just needs to be reminded over and over until it becomes a habit to chew with his mouth closed. Just ask Dad to be nice about it and not be grouchy.

When I read this I immediately thought of my family. Is your husband or has your husband in the military? My son is 11 years old now and we still have this problem. My husband constantly watches him and I do agree he needs table manners, which he has, but its like a hawk watching its prey. It just seems that he picks on him for every little thing. I am the same as you and defend my son which I know I shouldn't always do in front on him but its hard to just sit there sometimes. Even other family members have commented on how much my husband does this. Don't get me wrong he is a great father but just some things bother him. I asked about the military because my husband was in and went to Iraq and I believe that is when it really started. Sorry I can't be much help other than to tell you to hang in there but just wanted you to know that your not the only one. And if your husband is like mine he is not going to go to counseling or parenting classes that is how he is and that is it. My husband also isn't one to show emotional towards my son either but my son knows that we both love him.

I think there is a balance in there somewhere. I also agree with the pp about picking your (his) battles and talking to your husband out of earshot. Instead of "protecting" your son from him (which I totally get - been there, done that) maybe you pull your hubby aside and ask him to try something new? Instead of constantly nagging and reminding (been there and done that, too :-)) maybe when you sit down to dinner you tell your son once - set the limits and tell him what you expect. Tell him he'll get xyz reward if he makes it through dinner following the rule and maybe even a consequence if he doesn't. But, no constant reminding. At the end of dinner, you decide which he earned and that is the end of it. No more control issue. Whatever you do, good luck!!

Seems as if there are issues on both sides.

1) A 5 YO CAN learn table manners with a lot of repetition; it will take constant reminders and, yes, some amount of punishment. That's okay.

2) You definitely need to back him up in front of your son or he'll spend the rest of his childhood playing you against your hubby and never learn to be civilized.

I had the opposite problem. My hubby wouldn't let me discipline my son, and it frustrated me to no end when he'd counter a punishment I'd given. I had to divorce him before I could civilize my child (He's now a very well-behaved, happy little boy). Don't let that happen. Your job is to be his parent, not his best friend.

3) Your hubby definitely seems to be overreacting, and it's definitely not getting him the desired outcome. Everyone who mentioned discussing it when your son isn't around made a good point. See if you can figure out what punishment/reward system you will use at the table, and agree on it. Maybe that will keep your husband more focused and he won't react out of anger. Then, you will definitely find it easier to back him up.

Someone else mentioned having hubby spend some positive time with your son. Good point. Kids WILL vie for any attention they can get...even if it's negative.

This seems like a fixable problem. Unless there are other issues, y'all should be fine.

Yes, son might forget, but husband's never do, unfortunately:)

I found myself "defending" my children or "making things right" after my husband did something childish or vindictive, and our therapist said I was just facilitating my husband -- not allowing him to make his own mistakes and apologies, or be the "good guy" after the "bad". This is NOT to say you should just let your husband "pick" but perhaps sit down and have a family meeting -- where your husband voices what he thinks he's accomplishing and what he feels inside versus what you see and think and feel -- if he really feels you are "both against him" he won't be cooperative.

My husband also doesn't like when I answer for our daughter because he feels I'm "putting thoughts and feelings into her mouth" -- I work with her, saying she needs to answer Daddy, even if she's "afraid he'll be angry or upset with her", because he would never hurt her, but wants her to feel she can tell him anything... I KNOW! Argh!

Daddies can be very scary sometimes, especially when feeling "in a corner" or "worked against", and your son might also need to work on talking to Daddy as my daughter and I role-play occasionally. We teach our children to always try and please and sometimes they just need to be themselves and strong in that self -- like us adults don't need that sometimes too:)

Best of luck!

You have to back him up.
If you don't this situation will turn in to a nightmare when he's older.
At 5 yes he can manipulate the situation. Kids are smart and they know how to play parents off of each other.
If you have a problem with something he says or does then take it up with him at night after your son is asleep. if not your son has all the power and is in control of your house not you or your husband.
He's not a baby, don't treat him like one.

Victoria and Carrie have it right on this one 100%.

I read once that it is at the age of five that you can begin to teach children table manners. However, children will not consider this a priority the way we do. So, maybe your husband can choose one table manner to work on at a time. Have him talk to your son before dinner about it and then maybe make a three time warning rule. Remind him three times and then let it go. He is five. He will eventually get table manners!

I've had this problem with my husband and son a lot. I feel like my husband's seeing motives that aren't there and doesn't believe ADHD is real, and my son can't seem to learn when to leave the room before dad explodes. I read books such as The Explosive Child, but my husband won't. The best thing I've come up with is to agree on punishments ahead of time. I like to have time outs as the plan, so my husband doesn't start inventing extreme punishments while he's mad, and my son will be out of the room and can't keep pushing his buttons. I've told my husband(not while my son was there) that he is an adult, and shouldn't blame losing his temper on someone else.

Well, your are correct manners are learned we are not born with them nor do we just have them as a gift from a special angel or god. You must find a way to explain to your husband if this is the way his father fathered he needs to if daddy was a great one or not seek to be an even better father in teaching his son manner at the dinner table. In fact making it fun and a game out of it studies have shown children remember more then a parent or teacher just giving an order/command.

It also sounds like dad might need to realize that you really need to pick your battles he's gonna live with you 18 years at least. this dinner table manners battle doesn't have to be a battle. Maybe purchase stickers for daddy to learn to cool his temper and you can be his bad cop next time you got to purchase a dryer...with the kid make a gave of each time you keep your mouth closed while chewing, you earn a sticker for dad if he can learn to keep his cool he earns one as well. Who ever has the most stickers gets to pick a prize from the the bag/ get some items from the dollar store for the kiddo and for dad a few coupons for later....

Pretty soon both of their learned bad habits should turn to behaving better at the table the kid chewing with mouth shut and dad learning to control temper and stop making you and the kid upset during dinner.

Win, win situation you have a kid who can be praised about dinner table manners and same about the dad...no one likes to hear some father go on and on during dinner make digesting difficult for others and mom as well.

Also you'll find yours isn't the only one who does this visit as school cafe sometime.