Raising Kids 10 Yrs and up and Manners

There is this thing called Cotillion - The National League of Junior Cotillion - They offer classes on manners and dancing and being ladies and gentlemen. My kids both took the classes and loved them! Most kids balk when you sign them up, but they all learn.
As they get older, they'll be going to different homes and events. You don't want them to look like neanderthals! You can have once a month "manners dinner". Do dinner in the dining room - complete with all the forks and the china. Make them dress for dinner. Make them use their manners and the forks correctly.
They will complain, but they will enjoy it!
LBC

It must require constant repetition and modeling because I know plenty of teenagers that are rude (more to their parents than to strangers). I clearly remember one incident of talking back and being rude to my mom when I was 10; my mom who never spanked me, jumped across the room and slapped my mouth; I still remember it to this day and I never disrespected her again. I'm not condoning spanking but for me that's all it took.

Video them eating with their mouths open. Or place a mirror where they can see themselves eating.

Make positive comments when the DO have good manners. The positive reinforcement goes a long way.

Remind them "they are not the only people in the world".. Imagine that? lots of kids have NEVER been told this.

Let them know that good manners shows respect for others as will as themselves.

You and your husband should use the best manners possible out of habit. Thank you's no mam, yes sir.. etc.. will become normal language. You open doors for the elderly, thank others, offer to help others. The kids are always watching and they know what is correct behavior.

I always suggest this book.. It is actually a work book. I purchased a copy when our daughter was in 4th grade. It is appropriate.
"How Rude!: The Teenagers' Guide to Good Manners, Proper Behavior, and Not Grossing People Out" You can purchase it for 25 cents!

http://www.amazon.com/How-Rude-Teenagers-Behavior-Grossin...

Our daughter was interviewed by a few colleges, she actually thanked me after one interview. She told me the person that interviewed her made a comment that "she had the best manners he had seen in years".

Dont' give up.
Show them by always using your manners, kids are watching you all the time.
Instead of being negative, NO no no Don't do that!
Say it positively, Chew with your mouth closed. I can't understand you with food in your mouth. Walk over here. Compliment on manners, I like the way you _______
Have your son hold the door for you, I just stand there until mine opens the door. Hes' 10.
They will get it and then call you when they are 22 and tell you how rude people are. :o)

My daughter already had pretty good manners, just through how we have raised her. But, I still sent her to a local ettiquette program. It was a two hour a week, 6 week class through our local community center covering telephone skills, presentations, respect, introductons, and fine dining. The teacher was just amazing, and the kids loved it (even the boys). I will have her re-do the class when she is a teen (they have an elementary age and then a teenage program). What a great life skilll! People with excellent manners get so many door openned for them, and I don't mean literally!).

Personally, I would not give up, because sooner or later they are going to have to grow up and go into the real world have to make an impression on people. Whether it is the home of the parents of their boyfriend/girlfriend, a job interview that includes lunch, whatever.

A book that I really like and recommend a lot is "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk." It might help with communicating with them more effectively so that they start to take you and what you say more seriously without nagging. You might want to also come up with some kind of reward system for exhibiting good manners and consequences for having poor manners. Not to sound harsh, but teaching good manners starts when they are little - by this time, it should be automatic. My stepsons never behaved this way because both their mom and dad (even after they were divorced) would never tolerate it and even as preschoolers they got complimented on their manners. Now as teenagers, they are some of the most polite kids you would ever hope to meet (although I have to get on their case about not texting at the dinner table!).

Don't grow weary in your well doing.

What motives your kids? I know positive reinforcement or wrapping things in a positive frame seems to work with mine. So instead of saying please eat with you mouth closed (negative frame) say, "I love it when you eat with your mouth closed."

Keep working with them. It is your job as a mom. Set up rewards or even let them hear you praise them for their great works. Call a family member and make certain the kid is in earshot. Tell the family member or friend how your child has been doing an awesome job at doing x lately and you are so proud of them. It makes them feel good and it helps them to be encouraged to do more of the right things.

Start today by letting each of them know the things you appreciate about them that the are doing right. Let them know the expectations you have for them to do more things right and let them know you are on their side and you all are a team. Teammates cheer each other on.

Don't give up-try to point out from time to time, the good things they do.

You will be reminding your child about something til he or she moves out and then maybe occasionally after that. :) I'd keep reminding them, and thank them when they remember to do it right. Don't give up because it doesn't seem to be sinking in this week. If you want to teach table manners, for example, maybe get out the nice dishes one night and have a dinner party for fun practice. My SS used to say, "What, I'm home." And we'd say, "Why should other people be the only ones who get to see you eat right? WE don't want to see you chew like that, either."

Geebers -
I feel your frustration. I feel the same way, but all you can do is keep teaching. Every day for as long as it takes. My children are 7, 4 & 4, and all day every day is still a battle for "pleases" and "thank you's", basic table manners, showing consideration for others, etc., etc. In addition to modelng this behavior for them, I've given each of these lessons perhaps 20,000 times. If it takes 200,000 times, then that's what I'll do. They will grow to be the responsible, respectful, and well-mannered adult that I believe I am. Even if it is exhausting and frustrating. Good luck!

Be encouraged! You have some good answers already!

When you're out with your children, ask them to look around, QUIETLY, for the people who have pleasant table manners, who open doors for others, who help when help is needed, who (gasp!) stand up when an older woman enters the room, and report these things QUIETLY back to you. (When you have to talk about other people's good points, the well-mannered way is to do it very quietly, without attracting attention.)

Here are just a few thoughts: Etiquette is nothing more than a standardized method of remembering to be kind to other people. It's not stiff and stuffy. One cannot learn good manners from TV or movies. You have to look at real life. It's selfish people who don't wait their turn in line. A person with bad table manners has no conception of what his/her tablemates are having to put up with. If you really think about the other people in the room with you, you won't want to interrupt their conversation... unless the house is on fire. People who barge along on the sidewalk or in the aisle aren't even thinking about the stranger walking toward them. For youngsters to respect older people is not a sign of inferiority but a sign of strength.

Next time you're at the library, find Betty McDonald's MRS. PIGGLE-WIGGLE'S MAGIC, and read the chapter called "The Bad-Table-Manners Cure." It'll make you feel better! There are some other good-manners stories in her four books, too.

You and your husband, of course, are modeling the manners you want your kids to have, and they really ARE observing you. Even when you wish they weren't.

You might point out that grownups are more likely to look around - side to side - than they are to look down, and may not notice a boy or girl in their path. So it's up to the kids to notice the big people first and make sure they don't get startled or fall. What are other reasons for doing mannerly things? If you can emphasize the good reasons, your children might remember the instruction a little better (although they might not show it to you for a while).

When they start to be interested in the opposite sex, you might point out that good manners are something the opposite sex REALLY notices. The guys who forkload food and shovel it into their mouths at the school lunchroom don't like the girls to be doing that. The girls may tolerate ill-mannered boys but don't think much of them.

So don't throw in the towel! You may not see the result until they're adults! :^)

dont give up they get it eventually- my sons are 15 and 8 yes there are times they still forgets thier manners sometimes, mostly the opening the door thing but then there are the days they surprise you. I went to the grocery store with my boys this weekend Saturday afternoon the most crowded day. My oldest stopped on the way in and helped an older lady put her stuff in the car
(SHOCKING) then when we got to the door they both stood out of the way and held the doors for a lady and two little kids. They may have forgotten a million times but every once in a while it kicks in just dont give up.

Don't give up! My daughter is 11 and I have to admit that I'm a stickler for good manners - all the time - not just when we're out in public. I honestly think that what has helped with this is having regular family meals at home (we eat together as a family every night). We model good manners and she is genuinely interested in having them herself. What also might have helped is that she has one or two older cousins who don't have good manners and she has said that she doesn't want to act like that because it's embarassing.
We have taken her to restaurants with us from the time she was an infant. She was always expected to sit and eat rather than making lots of noise and running around. She's always been a good eater and loves going out so that helped. We also entertain quite often. We use the good china in the dining room. She had her own set of smaller (fancy) silverware when she was small and she enjoyed using them. She has always eaten off the "good" china and used a stemmed crystal glass from the age of about 4 or 5. She has never broken anything. I involve her in menu planning, setting the table and sometimes cooking. she enjoys all of these things. I've explained that when she's older and being courted by a young man, she will be happy that she will know how to conduct herself. Let's hope she meets up with someone like perhaps your son who has been shown the importance of manners too! Keep at it - they will thank you for it later.

There is a point where you need to "pick your battles" or you will wear yourself out. Choose the few things that you feel most strongly about. The others, just model the behaviors for them and they will learn.

My three siblings and I had terrible table manners at home. I remember asking my Mom about it, because I didn't remember her getting on our case about it. She said "when you are at other people's houses, you have great manners, so I know you know how, so I don't worry about it".

Mine have great manners.....for everyone else! I just have to remember that if I have to choose, I would rather it be that way than the opposite :). The other thing is my son's middle school teacher had a book in the room to read at free time called "How Rude: The Teenagers' Guide to Good Manners, Proper Behavior, and Not Grossing People Out" by A.J. Packer. I bought it and left it in their bathroom - great book.

As a mother of 3 grown kids and 5 grandkids I found that they had to be reminded until teenage. I would quitly say a word or two (ladies first, mouth what ever fit the situation) so you are not nagging you are reminding them :) Eventuly they remember on their own.