My stepdaughter is turning into a wonderful young woman (age 8) and I'm proud of how much she has learned since we met 2 years ago.
The only thing I have not been able to help with is her manners. She says please and thank you sometimes. She still has horrible table manners, taking huge bites of food, chewing with her mouth open, talking with her mouth full of food, blowing bubbles in her drink, slurping off her plate. She's very demanding, instead of asking she'll demand "take me here. Do this. Do that." I've really watched how we treat her, thinking maybe she's picking it up from somewhere, but I see it's not our house. It's more of no one has ever enforced manners with her.
We homeschool, so I've tried doing units on manners. We've gone over table manners at least three different times. She KNOWS them! She just doesn't DO them. Her family made excuses for her when she was six, but now that she's eight it's completely gross. I almost died at Easter when she stuffed an enormous bite of ham in her mouth and then spit parts of it onto the table while talking with her mouth full. Yes, my husband's family has NOT helped because they don't seem to think it important (although watching them, THEY all have good manners) and her mom doesn't seem to think it important either.
However, I think it's important to at least have basic table manners and say "please" and "thank you," even if the more complicated manners aren't followed.
Any suggestions?
Wow, I like the idea of having her eat in front of a mirror. But of course I would make it a "game" not a punishment. I would do it too, as part of our game.
I've noticed that her relatives don't say anything to her, but I can see that manners are important to them because everyone else at the table ate with good manners. I think they still see her as the baby. I wonder what they will think several years from now?
Many people have advised me to "step back as the stepmom" and I appreciate the advice. However, my role is not the type where I can "step back" as she lives primarily with us and I'm her homeschool teacher. While that relationship of "stepping back' works for some, it doesn't work for me.
Thanks for the suggestions and the support! I will continue to push manners, but try to do so with manners of my own :)
Rather than have her sit in front of a mirror, video tape her and have her watch it. When in front of a mirror, she may become self conscious. As this might work to get her to eat properly at that time, she won't see what she really looks like. I recorded my daughter once and she saw how bad she looked. Gross was the word she used.
One thing I do with my daughter and brother (a 3 year old and a 12 year old) is that I cant hear them if they dont say please. Both of them learned pretty quick that please and thank you were the quickest way to get what they wanted and demanding something got the opposite effect. The only exception is for the 3 year old when she really has to go potty. :-)
encourage, repeat, repeat, repeat years maybe...I know she hears you & I bet you model it yourself, your doing a great job!
I think you are absolutely right and my only advice is to stay on top of it, every time you see her not using her manners point it out and tell her what is expected and why what she is doing is not appropriate.
I do not see how you only being the 'step mom' plays any role in whether or not this is 'your place' to teach? It is just as much your house as hers...never apologize or feel bad for insisting on good manners.
I think, for the most part, that this is just a kid thing...mine still need polite reminders!
Do you have Cotillion in your area? We have summer camps where they teach just what you are looking for. Search for National League of Junior Cotillion. You'll be pleasantly surprised!!
LBC
Our daughter was in high school and we used to make her sit on one hand because she used to scoop & shovel her food with a fork and her free hand. She cried for awhile, but she finally got the hang of it...we let it go on way too long too.
Hi,
That is great that you are so interested in your new family. It must be really hard but fulfilling for you. I have 2 children and sometimes they make me want to run for the airport.
There is something that I found was good and that is modelling behaviour DVDs. There is a company that produce some. They are called Model Me Kids and their website is www.modelmekids.com/ My son is rivetted when he watches them.
Good luck,
W.
a lot of park districts offer these classes.....also go online and google "classes for manners", i remember seeing a lady in oakbrook offered these classes for all ages......also perhaps you can make a game of it like for lunch we will be sloppy eaters & eat with your hands & sip your drinks real loud, etc, then for dinner you can all dress up in fancy clothes & eat like debutants.
I didn't see your question until today. I am also a stepmom of two boys. They had terrible table manners. The older one that was about 12 at the time would have food all over his face like a baby first learning to eat by mashing food into his/her face. The smacking and slurping was absolutely disgusting. My husband left the table one day because he was so grossed out by it.
I sat them down and talked to both of the boys and told them what was appropriate at MY table. Did the talk work...not without backup. Here's how it went.
1. they could take one small bite of the food. They then had to put the food down or the fork/knife down and wipe thier face with a napkin and put their hands in their lap.
2. Then they couldn't pickup the food, fork/knife until they had chewed and swollowed.
3. If they were going too fast I would verbally tell them to stop.
4. If they didn't want to listen they couldn't eat with the family. I made them put their food on a paper plate, no utensils and sit outside and eat alone (I told them I didn't care what the weather would be, rain, sun, freezing cold, snow, windy). AND they couldn't even sit at my patio table. It had to be on the ground.
5. If they had to eat outside when done, before they could come back inside, they had to clean themselves with the hose.
It took about three dinners for them to shape up.
If they don't use their manners in my house I tell them to go to their room and stay their until they are ready to act properly and rejoin the family. They don't like to be separated from the rest or have the improper behaviour brought to point. Usually this shapes them up fairly quickly.
I am also a stepmother of one boy, now 13. He was eight years old when I started dating his father. He had horrible table manners, but was polite, just like your stepdaughter. He's the only child, so I think they liked to think he wasn't old enough to be responsible for good manners, but I knew if I didn't take action, no one would.
What I discovered that worked for us was to pick one thing, like "elbows off the table," or "chew with your mouth closed," and just work on that and let the other things slide. Once he had that down, we moved onto the next, holding him responsible for what he already knew. He now knows what he should do, but needs to be reminded once in a while. I also showed him how to set the table correctly. He needs reminding here too, but at least I've set the expectations.
I hope you find whatever works best for you and your family. Being a stepmother is harder than anyone knows who hasn't been there - even the parents really don't understand the tightrope we walk. You have all of the responsibilities and very little up-side. You have to toe the line between being their friend (since they usually have two parents already), and setting and keeping the ground rules. As an objective observer, you have insight into what their biological parents can't/won't see. It is a balancing act that never ends. It has taken me four years to finally feel comfortable being a stepparent. I still don't see/hear/feel any affection from my stepson (no hugs or "I love you's"), but have to take comfort in the fact that I am teaching him life lessons and just hope that some day he will come to appreciate all that I have tried to do for him.
Best of luck to you!
At age 2 with my son, if he doesn't say please or thank you, he doesn't get what he is asking for. I remind and prompt with him. At age 8, I wouldn't prompt. I would make it a one-strike deal. If she demands to be taken to a friend's house, she doesn't go. I'm sure there are going to be obligations that come up that are unavoidable and you will still have to go, but the stuff that is fun for her that she misses out on will have the most impact. If she tells you to do something, I would completely ignore her until she used manners. At 8 yrs old, she can figure this out pretty quickly.
As for table manners, do you have the support of the rest of the family if you constantly enforce them, the entire time she is eating? If so, I would nag, nag, nag. And when the offense is serious enough, like the spitting of ham or licking her plate, she would leave the table. We had my husband's family, with his 6 yr old sister staying with us for about a year a few years ago, and her manners were atrocious. But no one else would correct her and it wasn't my place. All I could do was gently remind while trying not to overstep my bounds. Until one day when she kept showing me her food and dropping it out of her mouth because she knew it drove me crazy and I told her it was disgusting and she couldn't sit where I could see her anymore. Everybody thought it was ok or funny, except me and my husband. Then I felt bad and apologized, but it made for a stressful house, but I didn't have to look at her food anymore. She knew exactly what she was doing and stopped easily once called on it. If the rest of the family won't get mad when you correct her, I would just keep on top of it until she is tired of hearing you and just does it. I would also incorporate the reward chart, so she can see how nice it will be to get the rewards and you will be reinforcing the habit constantly when she doesn't do it on her own.
I am sure lots of moms will say there is a better approach and that nagging is harmful or something, but I just don't think you are asking too much for her to not slurp off her plate or be appreciative at age eight.
Added:
I'm certainly not saying to be mean, just consistent and firm. All kids need reminders of the little things and lots of practice. All kids forget to chew with their mouths closed, but you shouldn't have to remind not to blow bubbles or slurp off plates. I think she will catch on to that part pretty quickly. Another idea is- Have you told her it hurts your feelings to be ordered around? Maybe she doesn't even realize how it sounds, especially if this isn't the way you guys treat her. She might not have ever heard it to realize that it isn't nice, except for on the playground from bossy friends. She is definitely not too young to be reasoned with about how it makes you feel.
you may want to pretend you are having dinner with the President or a tv star or whoever just to "practice". See how she does. just keep reminding her
and have the manners you want her to do be the ones you do.
short answer is that she is old enough to have consequenses for her lack of manners. it is best to use them in a positive way such as: you get a point for every time you : say please at dinner, ask nicely for something, chew w/ mouth closed. when you get to 20 points you can go to the movies w/ me. the best rewards too are ones that involve your time, time w/ you and doing something she likes. oh maybe a spa day: you can do your own nails at home too if you want to save money somethign specail for you both. let her pick out of a few rewards and of course change it to suit your families needs.
the way i do things is if my kids dont say please they dont get or get to do what ever it is if they want to go some where if they dont ask they dont go and if they ask why they dont get to go then all i say is you told me instead of asking, if i hear do this or that i simplu say no do it your self i am the parent not you, we dont have that much of a problem with the eating but my mom had to "remind" all of us (me and my brothers) to chew with our mouths closed and not talk with our mouth full, i know its annoying but she had to remind us, although i have had to tell my kids not to cram their mouths so full itll make them gag and if they get sick over it they will get now plates and still have to eat the new food, and as for the bubbles in the drinks we had to get where we took my kids drinks away and they had to and still have to ask for a drink but that is due to if they dont ask they will drink all their drink and not want to eat. we also just ignore them if they ask for something and dont say please hope at least some of this helped.
Hi NS,
It can be tough to teach something important, like manners, when you are not supported. I suggest when your step daughter eats poorly, you ask her to leave the table. Be matter of fact and clear, "your eating in a rude way, please use your manners or you can finish dinner when the family is done."
One other idea is to have her friends over for more meal, often kids will show their manners with peers, because of peer pressure.
I hope this helps!
R. Magby
There is a really fine line to where a step mother should step in. If no one else sees an issue with this, I'm not sure it is your place to put your ideals on her. You will create more of a wedge between the two of you and will seem to be too rigid to the rest of the family. Try to relax and ignore it as her being a kid.
I have to say it is a phase and she will outgrow it. There will come a time when other kids will peer pressure her into being more mannerly.
Wow manners really can make a difference in her future. It really sets apart people that know about them and use them versus those that do not..
Her father really does not care and it does not bother him? It is a shame she is not around other children her own age with manners. They would say something to her. You know kids will listen to each other before they listen to a grown up..
I have a favorite book that if you do not already have you should take a look at. It is called "How Rude! The teenagers Guide to Good Manners, Proper Behavior, and Not Grossing People Out."
By Alex J. Packer, Ph.D.
I actually purchased when our daughter was in elementary school. It is really kid friendly and helped to open up a lot of discussions. There is a whole section on how to eat properly. I also had our daughter attend a Poise and Manners class one Saturday at a local Department Store. It was great, because it was all girls her age, learning the proper social rules for all types of social situations.. They even had them practice eating, with a mirror in front of them so they could see proper eating styles. Lots of practice taking correct sized bites and no talking while chewing..
You might want to look into something like this in your city.
Children learn best when they can see people role modeling the appropriate behavior. I recommend NOT showing her how she is eating but show her a video of a proper young lady at the table.
My brother-in-law wanted to give a table manners class as a gift to my niece. She's 8, too. I will find out some of those details and forward them to you. It's a class where the young ladies dress up, go to "tea" and have lunch. Interesting idea, methinks!
I remember some of your posts over the past year or so, and I understand how involved you are with her schooling and development. You can look into a social skills training curriculum for your homeschool. Not sure if table manners would be covered directly, but typically social awareness, self-control and empathy are main priorities.
Good luck!
The best way to teach manners is for the parents and others in the child’s environment to exhibit those manners consistently. We each are, to some degree, a reflection of the behaviors that have been portrayed to us over our lifetimes. So, it is best to start teaching your child manners from the moment of his birth. He will not, from the moment of birth, have the capacity to understand, for example, that it is not appropriate to hit others, but his exposure to the no-hitting rule will gradually come to make sense to him. To expose him to the rule after a period of time in which hitting was allowed will seem arbitrary and false to him. In sum, from the time of your child’s birth, you should exhibit the manners that you wish to instill in him, and you should provide him age-appropriate information about the manners that you are instilling.
Using "please" and "thank you" are easy. They are the magic words. "What are the magic words?" If kids do not say them, they get nothing. Trust me.They learn fast. Mine did and have been complimented many times (even as adults) for their "good manners."
