My Husbands Family Always Needs Money!!!

It sounds like we have a bit more than you and I wouldn't keep bailing out family. So I suppose if you are selfish, so am I.

Next time they ask for money, tell them that maybe they should look into a part time job at Walmart or offer to show them how to sale things on craigslist.

My husband and I have worked for love rather than money for the past 30 years, both on very small incomes, and several family members who can't seem to manage their higher incomes kept hitting on us for financial help ("loans" that are unlikely to be repaid). Then they went on vacations or bought electronics or fancy extras that we could never afford.

I finally learned a great technique for saying no:

1. Repeat their request in your own words, with friendly sympathy, so they know you understood their needs.

2. Use the connecting word "AND" instead of "but," and say one simple phrase, "And no, I'm sorry, that does not work for me (us.)" Keep your tone slightly apologetic and kind.

3. Avoid ALL temptation to explain your reasons or make any excuses. Stop with, "And, no, that does not work for me." Any further excuses or apologies will only weaken your position in their eyes, and they are more likely to argue, wheedle, or beg, prolonging the agony for everyone concerned. They know which of your buttons to push.

4. If they do continue to try to convince you, repeat steps above, and leave, hang up, or change the subject. You do not "owe" other family members your income, though you are always free to offer help that you can reasonably offer. If they sensed that you heard them and are sympathetic but firm, they are not too likely to think badly of you. (And if they do, it's just because they're used to depending on you. You STILL don't owe them, and would simply be "buying" their good will.)

As far as getting your husband on this program, that could be harder. You may need to use this firm approach with him, too, after you get very clear about what YOUR reasonable financial needs and goals are. He sounds like a truly kind soul, and humanity truly needs kind and generous people to maintain society. And there's a world of difference between kind impulses and a codependent inability to say no.

It may be useful to study up a bit on codependency (a huge feature in my family, so I've done this work), so you understand the reasons your husband, and perhaps you, if you think you're a selfish b!tch, are so afraid of disappointing people you feel obligated to love.

So check out the helpful book "Codependent No More," and many websites that deal with this common issue. There is hope!

I wish you new discoveries and success.

Time to cut the financial apron strings. No more help! Your husband is enabling his family not helping.

Next time hubby comes with the sob story I would say "no, we need to stop and I am not willing to sacrifice our family's financial future for your family anymore".

As long as y'all keep saying yes, they will keep their hand out.

No you're not selfish. They are incredibly rude and self-centered to think they have a right to ask you for it.

Your answer to "Babe, what do you think?" is "Honey, we can't afford it. They are all going to have to grow up and manage their own money, without leeching off of us."

Set the boundaries. And I agree with the first poster, who said that as long as you keep saying yes, they will keep having their hands out. You are enabling them.

They are going to suck you dry if you let them.
When you two got married - you cleave unto each other - and each of your parents took a step back in priority.
When you had kids - they took another step back.
Your husband needs to understand that his pre-marriage family is not his responsibility and he needs to get Comfortable with saying "No - we can't do that.".
If he just hands the money out left and right - you need to make sure he can't get his hands on anything you make - and you need to get your hands on what he makes and put as much into savings as you can so he CAN'T hand it out.
People divorce over money issues.
If you can't get on the same page - try marriage counseling.
If that doesn't work - I'd have to think seriously about how this marriage was going to last if I can not count on him to be responsible with money.

There comes a time when the gravy train runs out of money and stops. This is where you are. Tell hubby no and don't give in. It will be hard and it will be a shock to him but it is for his own good of his nuclear family.

You must provide for your own family first and if when there is anything left you can possibly consider funds with they will be paid back or no more money given out period. Sorry you fell on hard times but that is the way it goes.

The moral of this is if you don't stop giving to the outside family you will be in the same position they are in now begging for help and no one to help you because they won't have anything to give. I had this happen to me with my MIL. She got a credit card and ran it up. She called one day wanting money and I told her over the phone that I had bills and didn't have any extra to give out. No more phone calls from her. She figured out how to pay her bills. It is hard but you do have to stop and mind your own family (nuclear) or you are going to be headed for a divorce.

Do seek financial planning, help or whatever to get him on the same page. If you have to get accounts with your name on them in a different bank so that it is harder to get the money to give away.

Good luck to you. You are not the golden goose for the whole family. They need to live within their means. If that makes you look like the Bit&h so be it.

the other S.

PS They tell you on an airplane to put your oxygen mask on first before you put it on your children. Now you do the same thing here.

You and your husband are not a bank. Helping someone out one time is one thing but to be asked on an ongoing basis would get old very quickly. (I am assuming they do not pay you back. I am also assuming/hoping that you pay off your credit card balance monthly.)

That hotel bill would have made me furious. I still might be mad at my FIL, especially if he didn't pay us back for that expense of his😊

I think you may have to start paying yourself first (just like you were a monthly bill). Put the money into something that you can not easily access. (We have an ING account where we buy shares of a few different stocks every week.).

I think the next time anyone comes to you asking for money you should tell them that this is the last time you are going to be able to help them. You do not need to explain anything to them because it is really non of their business but if you must...try telling them that any extra disposable income is going into your retirement account and college savings accounts for your girls. This is something you really need to think about any way. You can be sure you won't be borrowing money from them when the time comes.
Good luck!!

You are not being selfish, BUT you are both to blame for this situation. Your husband is being milked, it's affecting both of your finances and future, and you are letting it happen, because you don't want to be the bad guy? There is no "bad guy" when the honest answer is simply, "Sorry about your situation, really wish we could help, but we just can't." (If your husband treats you like the bad guy, or names you as the bad guy to his family, please get marriage counseling right away.)

You both need to learn how to say "no." It is an essential skill for many different situations in life. When saying "Yes" has become a habit, going straight to "No" can feel too difficult, so start with baby steps. When someone asks for a favor or money, always answer with "I'm not sure, I have to see if I can and get back to you." (Most people will respect that, but toxic personalities who have become dependent on hearing the easy yes will push back against that, giving sob stories, using guilt to try to force a yes. Answer again, "I'm not sure, I have to see if I can and get back to you." Do that until the end of the conversation.)

Sometimes, the final answer will be a yes, sometimes it will be a no. But you will have had time to think about it rationally instead of emotionally, and under the pressure of the moment. Also, by simply using that phrase initially for every request, your husband will see a huge reduction in those requests, I guarantee it.

If your husband still feels like he WANTS to be able to help (NOT out of pride or guilt or feeling some sort of responsibility for another adult's financial problems and poor choices, but simply out of love) then set aside a reasonable amount in your monthly budget, something that won't have a long term impact on your savings and financial health. Label this money as "gifts".This way he can still help with small amounts when help is requested.

What happens when its your turn to have a financial emergency? Without savings, now you will be stuck in this cycle of financial irresponsibility, perhaps having to ask your family members for money because all your money went to his family.

Keep in mind: People who are financially irresponsible and rely on others to bail them out have a tendency to make people who are financially responsible feel guilty about that fact. "*You're* going on vacation/saving for retirement/buying clothes for your children/repairing your car/paying off medical bills with your hard earned money!?! How selfish when *I* have a money problem that I didn't prepare for properly!!" Recognize this fallacy and you will be better equipped to stand up for yourself, your future and your young family.

Oh boy - I hear you. Are these "gifts" and not "loans"? Are they "Loans" that never get paid back? Say NO! "I'm so sorry you are in difficult straits and I wish I could help, but I cannot." If they push, say, "I sympathize. It's tough all over. We're not making ends meet either and we have no one to borrow from." They can budget better, get jobs, or do without.

This is never going to end. If it helps you, try to understand that you are enabling these people by helping them live beyond their means. You will never have a house, savings, kids' braces, or college tuition, and your husband is not only mortgaging your children's future, he is teaching his relatives that manipulation is a good way to manage their own lives. This sort of thing ONLY builds resentment.

Birthdays - do the nephews send thank you notes? Do you get a lovely card thanking you for your generosity? No? Then they don't appreciate anything - they feel entitled. If you don't get a thank you, then there is nothing to be done the next time around. Start scaling back. If your husband gives $10 on their birthdays, give $5 the next time. If there's no thank you, give NOTHING the next time.

It's not about being cheap. It's about making them far more dependent and feeling LESS good about themselves! Have your husband find a backbone, or this will be a huge wedge in your marriage.

Everyone has a sob story. At this rate, you two will have one soon.

Holy cow I'm so sorry this got started. It was WRONG of them to ever ask you, and you should not be in the position to have to say no. SO WRONG!!!! And now they're used to you guys being a financial resource. UNHEALTHY and UNFAIR!

Good people don't ask for money even when they really need it and are reluctant to accept help. These people are shameless. There are WAY BETTER causes you could benefit with your generosity. Not to mentoon your own needs. But you need to keep civil and all that of course, but it's really not OK for HIS family to be keeping you guys from saving money which we ALL NEED to do.

Believe me, the day will come, when you guys suddenly need a new roof, or have an accident and a bunch of medical bills the insurance company wont' pay, or an illness, or unemployment during an injury or WHATEVER, and will these people be there to help? NOPE!!!! They will never have money to give.

Takers only take.

Peg's advice is great. And if it's just too hard to spit out the words "That doesn't work for me" That's HARD to say!! I can't believe you are put in this position at all!!!!

Say, "Actually, it's funny you're asking, because we were actually going to ask you for some money. We're having a personal crisis, and we need $_____. But I guess since you're asking us, we're both in the same boat..."

I actually have a neighbor who stops by with sob stories and asks for money. I started coming back to him with bigger sob stories and he eventually quit asking.

But whatever you do, STOP SAYING YES! This will never end and the longer you do it, the more they will make you the bad guy one day when you finally have to say no. And by then you will have lost WAY too much money to them.

No, you're not selfish. Your husband is very nice and so are you, but this is not OK. You are not the parents of his entire family.

ooh man!!! You and your husband need marriage counseling PRONTO!!! You need to get on the same page financially....does that mean going to the library and borrowing finance books by Dave Ramsey or Suze Orman?? It sounds like it...

Then the next thing you need to do is practice saying NO. Say it with me here:
"Dad, I'm sorry mom's car died. Unfortunately, we still owe on our cars and don't have the extra money."

"Dad. I'm sorry. We cannot give you money right now."

"We do NOT have the funds to help you with a birthday party."

Money is the #1 things couples fight over. If you two can't get on the same page and fast?? You will be fighting for a LONG time.

While I love to help people out. I've had to say NO. it does NOT make you a bad person saying NO.

Please get on the same page with your husband. Get counseling to learn how to talk with each other and discuss this and other issues like adults. You do NOT want animosity to cloud your marriage.

You are not selfish.

It will not be easy to change the dynamic that is in place, but I agree with the others that you need to be forthright with your husband about this and stop just hinting around.

Sit down with him and make a longer term financial plan. If you feel like you need to enlist the help of a professional, that's great. If not, then it isn't necessary. I mean... it is always a good idea, but for the purposes of helping your husband stop being generous with funds he should be more responsible with, it isn't required.

You and husband can think longer term and make a plan for what expenses you have looming all on your own. (A financial advisor is a good idea, for best planning).

Your kids are small yet, but it isn't too soon to make financial plans for future dental work. Do you have any idea what orthodontic work costs? No? Let me help: anywhere from $3500-$5500... per kid. And that's if they only have to go through it once. Some kids need things done early on (palate expanders, etc) and then more work later on after puberty. Some kids need more than "just" braces, but actually need other additional mechanical interventions (my son needed a Herbst device in addition to traditional braces).

So while you may expect that college is plenty of years away (and husband may pooh pooh how long you have yet to plan for it)... braces may really be just around the corner.

And cell phones. Do you know what the average age for kids to have their own cell phone is these days? My kids were older than "most" when they got theirs (for actual reasons, not just "because")... and they were 15 and 13. That's a monthly charge. For each.

I know your kids are small, but do you have any idea what photographers charge for "school pictures" these days? They *start* around $45 per pkg, and that doesn't usually include even an 8 x10, and this is offered by the schools twice per year, typically.

Yearbooks for them? Anywhere from $35 - $80.

Auto insurance when you kid gets a driver's license? My son, good student discount, etc.... increased our bill by around $550/6 months.

I know this all seems a long way away... but if you sit down with paper and calendars, and write out an annual budget, you will see that ten years goes by blazingly fast.
My son is a junior in high school this year, and I have already been warned by so many friends how expensive senior year is (and I'm not referring to college application costs, either). Senior pictures, proms, yearbooks, class rings, SAT/ACT testing, etc... It all adds up and piles up on top of your other increasing expenses. (going out to dinner for 4 adults, vs 2 adults and a kids meal to share or whatever; meals for 2 adult men in the house, instead of one--do you know how much a teen boy can eat? And their friends??)

And clothes costs for teens? Sheesh..

And what about your own vehicle? When will it need replacing? How many miles do you honestly expect to get out of it, and what will the maintenance to get it to last that long really cost? I say that as a family that bought 2 cars brandnew from the showroom and we drove them both until they nearly died. One until 277,000 miles and one until 305,000 miles (and now my son drives it). New tires, regular oil changes, fluids flush/fills, etc... you could easily make a line item on your budget of $100/month for that and not be far off the mark, depending on your mileage. To do all the recommended flushes/fills/scheduled maintenance on a vehicle at the major recommended points (usually every 30,000 miles), is around $1,000. Not including tire replacement and balance/alignment with that. And not including regular oil changes.
It's worth it... but most people don't plan that expense into their budget.

You and husband should probably sit down and plan your budget. It doesn't need to be a confrontation thing. Although it often devolves into that if you aren't careful and especially if you aren't on the same page. A class like Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University can help, but if you are honest and lay out ALL your expenses, you should be able to muddle through the basics of it.
Then, when you have your budget in place, and MIL/cousin/sister, etc comes with their hand out... you can ask husband which line item in the budget he wants to pull the money from. Because every dime will be accounted for in your budget.
IF it is assigned to "savings", even your savings can (and should) have a prioritized list of what it is being saved FOR. And an emergency fund (for a blownout tire, or broken washing machine, or plumbing repair---not for family handouts).
Your savings could have a down payment for a home for your family as item 1, and a family vacation, replacement car, future dental care, college, etc as other items... of whatever you two decide. But you should discuss it and make a tentative list of priority. Because when husband wants to hit savings to bail out family-- he needs to be able to SEE that that number 1 item is being pushed further away.

Good luck.
No. You are NOT selfish. Not in the least.

Nope.
You don't give a drunk a drink.
Birthdays? We have an amount for our siblings, parent , nieces & nephews.
That's what they get.

As for the hotel bill? That should have been repaid.
Car? Why can't they buy their own car?

I'd seriously consider ratcheting up 401Ks so the money goes STRAIGHT to your savings. And other savings vehicles can be auto drafted too.

You have to make it clear that you are not the bank.

As long as you allow then to guilt you into footing their bills, they will expect it.

It's imperative that you and hubby are on the same page. If not, you are fighting a losing battle.

Make sure your hubby realizes his obligations as a parent fur his children's college funds, your retirement funds and so forth.

Good luck... People will take advantage of you as long as you allow it.

You have to say no. It's difficult, but once you start doing it, it gets easier. And after awhile, they won't come to your family asking for money anymore.

It is hard saying no. I used to help my mom out all the time...and then I realized that I was enabling her to make poor choices. When I finally stopped offering help, she began to learn to live within her means, scaling down her lifestyle. I really feel like it actually improved our relationship, because I didn't always feel like I had to help her, and she didn't always feel like she owed me. Really, if you think about it, money exchanging hands makes family relationships difficult and dysfunctional. It's hard to love on one another when you're wondering if they're calling for cash.

I would put together a very tight budget, Dave Ramsey style. Every dollar should be accounted for. All money has a job. The savings account isn't for sharing. And you need to work on saying NO, darling. "No, honey. We have financial goals that we are not meeting, and debts we need to pay. We cannot pay for those things for everyone else."

Think hard: Is this his family's way of doing things? Was he raised in a household where his parents were lousy at paying for things and were in debt a lot, or paid things on credit cards, or borrowed from his grandparents or their own siblings? He may find it normal for family members to borrow money from each other. That is of course unhealthy, but if this was his family dynamic before you even met him, just be aware that in some part of his mind, this is just plain normal, even if he finds it annoying. That may be why he finds it hard to say no.

It's hard for you as his wife (and a person from the real world where giving relatives money here and money there is a horrible idea) to break him of a lifetime's conditioning to say yes to requests for dough. So don't expect him to change overnight, and do not put his back against the wall by suddenly dumping all your frustration on him.

First, stop the "hinting" you say you now do. It is actually positive that he does not hide these transactions from you -- he does come to you for each one, and that's a good start. Next time he comes to you, do not hint, and do not just "remind him of something we have planned" that costs money.

Next time, sit down with him and say, "So you are saying that sister Sally needs $300 to fix her car, right? Do I have the details straight?" Then when he says yes, tell him: "We need to talk and not just about Sally and this $300 for this one fix. We need to talk about the big picture here." Then list for him the loans and gifts you and he have made to his family. Do not go back to the start of all time -- list the most recent ones. I hope you can. Do it in a very, very calm manner and do not sound like you are accusing anyone of anything; be clinical about it-- dates, dollar amounts.

"Honey, the big picture I'm painting here is that while we have given or loaned family members a total of $XYZ over the past year (or however long), we have only $ABC in our own family savings. We have only our work 401ks for retirement and those are not worth much. We have not even started college savings accounts for our children, and college comes up very quickly. The point is, while our combined salaries are OK, we cannot seem to save for our own nuclear family, when we have given $total to these family members for expenses that are everyday, normal expenses for most people."

See what he says. If he gets defensive, you need to stay very cool and not get emotional -- that is absolutely key here. "I understand that you see giving them money as being supportive, I really do. But these are not true emergencies -- these are things that are part of day to day living, and it's not our role to pay for them" (if that's true, I don't know what all the expenses are that they're asking him to pay).

If he is the kind of person who responds to figures, sit down with him and the records from your retirement accounts (you DO have at least minimal ones started already, I hope?) and your savings and investments (if you have no investments - you need some). You absolutely should be saving for college already; many of us save from the time the kids are born.

He may respond better to hearing this from a third party professional than from you, so go to your bank and make an appointment with a financial counselor; most banks provide free financial counseling and advice to regular customers. He might "get it" once a professional shows him that, for instance, the amounts he's given to family for little things over the years could by now,, with interest and investment income they earned, have paid for a kid's first year of college, etc.

You are not selfish. He is being a soft touch. But you need to stop the hints and stop fearing that he'll see you as a "selfish b$tch" as you put it. If his family would see you that way, or if HE fears his family will bite him for saying no -- then he has a bigger issue and needs to cut some apron strings.

In Dave Ramsey's words "He needs to redefine what help means" What he is actually doing is hurting them by enabling them and he is also hurting his immediate families future was well. I suggest have him listen to Dave Ramsey and get the book Boundaries.

He need to push them to stand on their own two feet.

Set an amount you plan to give yourself for savings each month. If you meet that and put it away, then let your husband be generous with anything left over. Sounds like it isn't going to be a lot. Hubby needs to put your immediate family's goals first. The rest of the family doesn't need to know why you don't have the money. If you don't have enough for savings, then you don't have enough to give away. Just tell family that things are tight and you can't find the money. It's the truth.

You are not being selfish they are.

They all need to get out and find better jobs or second jobs. There are social service agengies who will help a low income person fix a car so they can get to work. Call the United Way 211 info line, the person who answers can give you all the info. Until the car is fixed she can take public transportation.

Your hubby needs to read Co-dependent No More.

I would have stopped giving them money a long time ago. You guys haven't even bought a house yet. Savings? No traveling? You both have a responsibility to put your family first and as long as you keep giving out money they will keep asking.

You are 100% correct. I have been married 20 yrs. Neither our families " borrowed" any money from us. I think the word borrowed is used incorrectly. Since it sounds to me like they never plan on paying you back. Tough situation. The two of you're not a bank.

You are not selfish.
But WE can not do anything about it.
YOU CAN!!
You sit down and tell your husband exactly what you told us. "I love your family, but I love mine more. I am excited to be saving money for _______. Lets set out a jar and put money in it every week. That's our "vacation" money. That is not our send money to your family money. If they call, we are NOT dipping into that. I would love it if you could talk with your family about us not being able to swing sending money anymore."
Sending money in birthday cards is kind of normal, isn't it?
L.

You and your husband have to have an honest and forthcoming conversation about this - like kids stay at the grandparents for the night and you two talk it out until you have come to an agreement. You need to pull your financial stuff - income vs expenses and see where you stand and WHY you can not afford to support people in your family.

Your husband is a softie and that's why they keep coming back for more. If he does not stop giving them money, they will continue to ask for it.

You will both piss them off, and they will most likely think you are cheap, or selfish (which you are NOT) or any number of bad feelings brought up by money. It's very possible they may remove themselves from your life if you don't give them money - if that is what is most important to them about your relationship.

It's a tough situation and you and your husband have to decide if you will continue to support them and not make waves OR stand up to them by saying no and risk having them hate you and remove themselves from your life.

If you tell them no, then go back and give them money you will be giving them money forever.

If you want a more neutral way to talk about $ with your husband, I suggest you make an appointment for you and your husband to talk to a financial planner. Many planners will meet with you for free the first time to help you think about your personal goals, then if you decide to work with them, they will help you achieve those goals.

For goals, I mean things like: how you will send your kids to college, how you will save enough to retire someday, how will you afford your next car when your current car dies, etc. It takes years of putting $ aside to do these things, and a planner can help you do it. And you do NOT need to be rich to meet with a planner. They can really help everyday middle class families.

Along with this, meeting with the planner will hopefully help your husband see that you don't have $ to give away.

(Not as an endorsement, but over the years, I've worked with planners from several big companies including Merrill Lynch and Hefren Tilotsen. They've all been similar and they really helped us understand how to be logical in our decisions about $, and not let emotions rule us.)

You are an adult.

Hubby is an adult.

Until the 2 of you sit down and discuss budget and set some goals you both are going to wander financially.

It sounds like you want to take over all finances and give hubby an allowance. He can't sign any checks, can't access any debit cards or credit cards, etc...you have total control.

If you want to act like a married couple and share the responsibility and build a life together then you and hubby need to decide what goals you have and want to accomplish.

Saving to buy a house, putting money in savings so you can take a vacation, having money in the bank so you can help his family, all goals that can be accomplished.

He can't say no to his family. He doesn't know how. You can't make him say no but you can keep your money away from him so he can't give it away. I suggest that you have an account where your money is deposited and he has his own account.

He pays XXX, ccc, and rrr. If he doesn't have the money to pay those bills they don't get paid. YOU do NOT rescue him. If he has those bills paid he can give away every last penny of money left. It's "his" money.

The reason I suggest you do this is because of what happened with my sister.

She's a Jehovah's Witness and they don't teach paying tithes and giving offerings. My brother in law is a Southern Baptist and he is always giving offerings, paying tithes, and trying to help other by giving them money. He also had a couple of adult kids that are always needing stuff too.

He's an engineer with a major company. He has a Master's degree and makes good money. She owns her own Etsy business and clears a nice income, not a lot of course but enough to say she is somewhat successful.

She gets so mad when he just hands over money to strangers that she had a part in earning. She hates this. She wants to have money in the bank, money to buy extra stuff, to travel, to go on nice vacations, and save to have money just in case.

They had to stop and take time to discuss where they were going financially.

They decided he was going to handle a certain amount of money every month. This money is his spending money. He can spend it on bubble gum, new cars, his kids, give it to missionaries in Timbuktu if he wants to, or tear it up and use it for fireplace tinder. It's his lunch money, his tithes and offerings, his pop/coffee money, and is in no way accountable to anyone for it.

He does NOT have to be accountable to her for a single penny of this money.

He still has access to household money too for things like gasoline, car payment, insurance, clothing, food, bills, etc....he just gets a chunk of money that is his money to blow in any way he wants.

They don't discuss money in negative ways anymore.

You are not selfish. Absolutely not. Your husband is just too nice and generous which is probably why you are married to him.
My husband's family is the same way. Oh and we have been married twenty years. Same old thing all the time. All of the women (except for me) in his family DONOT work. I work and oftentimes I resent this. I have been buying dollar store gifts for my relatives for years, kind of embarrassing sometimes, and then my husband sends large amounts of money to them. Oh they have it so rough, or it's so hard for them, or they can barely eat. I started to try and match pilfering the same amount for us and it doesn't work. Anyone has any ideas about this I love to hear it, too. I will continue to read these answers.There must be a way.

What would be great is to start saying No, no matter what the sob story is, and say "We can't help you anymore without harming our own household." Then dealing firmly and appropriately with their reaction.

Unfortunately, if you're not united in your marriage this problem can not be solved. This is a long standing issue with your husband that existed before you got married, and ideally should have been worked out before saying I Do.

It isn't just his family though. Your example of how you communicate in general shows that the two of you don't know how to talk to each other. You can't tiptoe around the big issues like that. You will probably need counseling to work though this, because talking on your own hasn't been working.

I would talk to your DH about how you need money for your immediate family and it hurts your marriage when you feel you cannot trust him to use the family funds appropriately. When one spouse does anything significant behind the other's back, that's a big problem. I realize he's probably been the fixer all his life, but you and he are not on the same financial page. That can break a marriage.

It is hard to say no, but if you do, they'll get over it. They'll HAVE TO deal with themselves. It may also be worth counseling (either financial or couple's) to get to the root of this and see all the money spent (and not returned, I assume) and what it means to your children. How much of that could you have put to the mortgage, for example, and what will that mean in interest on the loan? Are there other ways to "give" without taking from your household? Like suggesting to his sister freecycle or Craigslist for some item she "needs"?

As for his dad, HE ran up the $800 bill. Hitting up his newlywed son for money? How low! And if his mom needs a car, what has SHE done to plan for it? Etc. What would really happen if they had to take care of themselves? Would they make it work? Many times, people do, even if they complain about it. I told my sister I would NOT cosign a lease and she figured it out. And it probably saved our friendship long-term. Her roommate was a bad spender and had stiffed me before. I was not going to be party to that when I was still paying student loans myself.

We have a situation right now where we are "doing the right thing" for a relative, and I will say that it tears a marriage. I think of all the things we could do or need (like the new car I will need in a few years - mine is 11 yrs old and acting up) that are held up by the outlay of money to this other relative, who isn't keeping their end of the bargain to pay us back timely. It makes me very angry, so I totally get why you would be upset. I've made it clear DH can only use his "fun money" and absolutely nothing gets taken from our children. DD isn't going to skip dance class or swimming lessons because of this bad loan agreement. All *our* bills, PLUS SAVINGS (you need money in the bank, too) go first. But he's at least upfront about it with me.

I think the biggest issue is why he can't say no and why he feels it is appropriate to go behind your back. You two need to resolve that. If he's afraid of their reaction over yours....you need counseling.

Your husband's heart is in the right place but he is enabling them at this point. I completely empathize with him - I enabled my mom and sister for the longest time. Luckily, I realized the effect it would have on my marriage and when I got married and had a child is when I found the strength to draw boundaries and say no to them.

Have a talk with him and let him know how you feel. It isn't selfish to want to see your children prosper, to want to take a family vacation, save up for a house, etc. It's being a responsible parent.

Tell your husband you admire his generosity but that he needs to draw boundaries and he needs to place his immediate family (you and your children) first.