the in laws in question are 1 grandmother(husbands mom) my brother in law, in his 30's with long time girlfriend and mother of younger 4 of the 6 children in the home. (2, 4, 10, 13, 15, 17)
in total there are 9 people living in my parents 2 bedroom rental property for $300 a month (which is at least 1 month behind at the moment)
we give what we can, while i do not want to enable to adults to not work, i am still unwilling to let the kids go without basic needs like soap and coats! and school programs. but the main issue at the moment is a car....
the only one with a drivers license is the grandmother.
none of the adults are currently working and live off of the brother in laws unemployment (from the summer job we gave him working for our business until we shut down for the winter months) and the grandmothers retirement.
(the only one working in the home is the 15 year old girl at a part time job at a boutique my friend owns after school and on week ends)
i just bought my first new car this year. (I'm almost 37) i did not trade in my old paid for 2003 durango, instead i told the oldest 2 children and the brother in law that who ever among them got their drivers license first would get the title free and clear.
so far only the 15 year old girl has shown any interest.
BUT now the grandma's car, the only car for the family, is breaking down and she has asked to borrow the old durango. i of course said yes, but..... what if her car is not an easy fix??
how do i not loose control over this situation?
EDIT: it is easy to say cut them off, but these kids are good kids. I do not hand over a lot of money. rather, i just buy what the kids need instead. i didnt do that even, for the first few years, but then something changed for me. I GAVE UP on the adults.
i have spent the last year contemplating a call to child services.
one moring of phone calls and they would be homelss with the children removed.
then what???
do i take in 6 additional children into my 3 bedroom home? or do i run the risk of foster homes. let's face it guys. not all of those are screaming success stories. at the moment i at least know that they are in a home where they are loved and not sexually abused, if not fully provided for.
do i just give up on the parents and fill in the gaps financially or call CPS and run the risk of spiting up the kids or worse, or take them all in and give up on the carefully "one and done" life my husband and i consciously chose to build .... it is a question i have spent no little time on in the last few years.
what happens if i call CPS and they do not take the kids! i dont think they can take the kids just because they are poor and not working. then i will be cut out entirely from helping the kids, cause the dad would know it was me. the only way i could ensure it would be to literally kick them out and make this family homeless.
my husband grew up poor, very poor, as well. so the situation does not seem quite so dire to him. and he is still holding out hope for his brother to step up and take care of his family.
I am not.
i have thought about taking the brother aside and telling him that. telling him that his brother still has faith in him, but i do not. and that he better prove his brother right, because once my husband gives up.... it is MY turn to handle things. and i think that will mean CPS.
.... and then i get to go shopping for bunk beds i guess.
No. why do the adults not work?
I would not be someone's bank just so they could sit home all day and not work.
The adults should be working and be responsible for their own family. Personal responsibility here!!
Give her the car. Transfer over the title. DO NOT lend her the car. You could have a mess on your hands if someone in the family wrecks the car.
Stop giving money. SOMEONE IN THAT HOUSE will go get a job if you aren't giving them money. You are enabling them.
I'm sorry. I don't have answers. Not sure what the answer could be aside from the adults stepping up and actually, you know, being adults. I just read J.D. Vance's memoir "Hillbilly Elegy" and from what you describe here, it sounds pretty much like the book. And even the author, who managed, by grace of God and luck of having at least one supportive person around him at any given time, managed to get out of it (though still attached to it by virtue of family relations) doesn't have answers, because it isn't something an outside force can fix.
I would think that your current approach is likely best. Keep supporting the kids as you are able, without pulling them out of what they know (even though what they know and are learning aren't always good things) so that they have stability. And show them that there ARE better options and a different kind of life, that THEY can work towards AND achieve.. if they keep working at it.
What does grandma need with the car exactly? She's retired, right? Is it grocery store trips? Doctor visits? Perhaps, if it is within your means, you'd be better served helping get her own vehicle repaired? What if she borrows your Durango and gets in a wreck? That's on your insurance. And why would she then be motivated to repair her own vehicle? And what happens when that single motivated 15 year old turns 16, and gets her license... would you then tell grandma: NO, sorry... you can't use it now...?
Sounds like the 15 year old has a chance. Honestly, I'd try to focus on her. I doubt that speaking to the BIL would make a bit of difference, so I wouldn't waste the breath. Just keep encouraging the kids. Showing them there is a different way to live life. That they have a chance to make something of themselves and not live that way forever.
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I have to ask though... why doesn't anyone work? Why?? Is there addiction happening? Why don't any of the 3 able bodied (I assume able bodied, there was no mention of disabilities) adults have ANY KIND OF JOB?
The grandmother is the first to get pass your rules (license and desire to drive). Let the BIL know you are giving grandma the car and now it is up to him and his clan to fix grandma's old car if they want to. Your gave to the situation and do not deal with complaints about the 2003 durango needing a new this or that.
I agree with Doris Day.
Oh boy, mingling the families is a tough situation - your in-laws are living with your parents, or at least in something they own.
I don't think this situation is even legal - I cannot believe that 3 adults and 6 children can live in a 2 bedroom place, not according to your state's rental laws and CPS regulations. There are way too many kids there, and I'm guessing at least some of them don't have real beds or a crib for the toddler, right? And clearly your BIL and his girlfriend are having sex with children around. How is that a good idea?
You and your parents are totally enabling them at this point. I don't know why the 3 adults aren't working (not sure how old the grandmother is) or why they don't have drivers licenses. You are the only one who has helped them get jobs, by offering summer employment for the BIL (and the resulting unemployment that you and all the taxpayers are funding, by the way) and the contact you made for the 15 year old at the boutique. I do think the 17 year old could have a part time job, but I also have a huge problem with 2 teens working to support a family of 9 whose parents aren't working.
I don't know if it's an option for the 2 oldest to live with their mother (you don't say what that situation is) and I honestly think it may be time for CPS to be called on the other kids. Thats harsh, I know, but this is unmanageable. I think your parent should find out what the legalities are of having so many people in a bedroom place with whatever square footage they have, and find out about zoning laws and rental laws. If they are in violation, you and they (and especially your husband - where is he in this mess?) need to set a timetable for either a homeless shelter or Section 8 housing and some vocational training for the BIL and maybe his girlfriend. And a driver's license unless his was suspended for some offense. I volunteer at a shelter for working and jobless families - if you want to help, you can give gift cards for grocery stores to the shelter management and THEY will buy the groceries and toilet paper so you know your money is going there. I also think it's wise to alert the children's pediatrician that they are living in this situation. The doctor can ask the right questions at the next visits. The doctor has professional resources and an obligation to address health-related issues.
As generous as you are, you probably need to let some professionals take over with some tough love for this family. Otherwise, the family has no incentive whatsoever to change their lifestyle. Otherwise the older kids have zero chance of a normal development - they surely aren't having friends over after school, are they? What kind of life is that?
If your plan was to donate the car then just donate it to grandma instead. I would also consider seeing if you can get grandma into a better living situation, her retirement should be taking care of her and allowing her some peace in her last years. If the kids are not being well cared for then the parents need to get off their asses and do something about it. If CPS needs to get involved for their safety then do what you have to do. I know this is all very hard with them being family and all.
Blessed Be
what an awful situation. i don't have any answers.
i sure would be figuring out some way to stop enabling, and under no circumstances should you lend anyone in that rat trap your car. you'll be legally liable for any shenanigans they get up to, and not a single adult there seems to be responsible.
i wish i had something brilliant to offer.
khairete
S.
Why are none of the adults working? That is crazy. If you keep loaning them money maybe they think they do not need to work because you will bail them out? I would sign over the car to grandma and let her be the new owner. I would stop loaning money. Your BIL and his girlfriend need to take responsibility and act like adults and get jobs. Why are they not working? When I was unemployed I spent 8 hours a day applying to jobs around town until I got one. It never took all that long to find a job...a couple weeks...but I worked my butt off applying nonstop to 20-30 jobs and asking everyone I knew if they knew of anything...I'd follow any lead. Working for minimum wage is better than nothing and if you work hard and are responsible and always show up you often can move up after a year. Maybe you live in a very small town with no jobs? Is there a larger town nearby? Pizza delivery, dog walker, waitress, retail, stocker, bagger, checker, home depot employee, fast food, bank teller, receptionist, substitute teacher, food prep, copy shop...these relatives of yours need to start applying everywhere! The other problem is these are adults and they need to make these decisions for themselves. I can't see that they would just listen to you if you told them to go get jobs. What do these adults do all day long?
What does your husband say? It's his family.
So, once winter is done that one on unemployment will be back working and having an income again?
I think that child welfare would let them know that it is required that each person that lives in the home requires a certain mandated amount of square footage in the home.
I know, kids share bedrooms, but they also have 1-2 kids in those rooms, not a whole family sleeping in one bed where they put the kids on the floor so the adults can have the bed or something like that.
Child welfare could shake them up and give them a timeline to get jobs and get on low income housing lists so that each family could have adequate housing for their family. They won't likely take the kids. They will work with the family to make them a better family first.
Durant is a nice town. They don't have to live like this. I have family that grew up there. My aunt worked in a laundromat for many many years.
I think that child welfare or the kid's schools should be made aware of the situation so that they can intervene on the kids behalf. They can help with so many things and help the adults grow and become better providers.
I would be worried that someone without a liscense would be driving the car instead of the grandma. Maybe have her get an estimate on her car and try to help pay some of it before giving something to people unwilling to work. I have a family member unwilling to work also and is expecting everything from other family members. They are trying to figure out how to get this member out of the persons house that he/she is taking advantage of.
