My Kids Completely Ignored at Birthday Party

Over cupcakes?

I'd just say from now on that the kids have homework, didn't clean their rooms and were grounded, anything that would keep the kids separate. This wasn't kind of the kids throwing the party.

You were tired, the kids were tired, it sounded like everything sort of came to a head inside you. But seriously, if you do this you'll have to move or you'll be miserable for the rest of the time you live there. Chances are she isn't going anywhere.

How can you demand a cupcake, Happimom? I would think that she was pissed that you did not send the kids with a $5 bill as a gift to the birthday kid.

I'm sure I'm your enemy now!

I can understand why you are upset. She shouldn't have invited them over if she didn't have enough. I don't think I would run over there and confront her but if we were every in a conversation I would bring it up. Good luck!!

Well, I say they were there for 5 minutes and your kids are 9 and 6. The six year old feels how he feels, but that doesn't mean his version (or feeling of how it really happened) is 100% accurate. Kids see situations in a light that didn't truly happen all the time.

I don't think there is anything to say, unless you calmly and nicely ask about what happened. Honestly, this would be a non issue with me. I seriously doubt they were actually treated like lepers.

Weird.
Before you say ANYTHING, make sure your kids weren't standing silently when someone said "who else wants a cupcake?" Or it will be VERY embarrassing!

It is possible that your kids felt uncomfortable because they didn't know anyone, then failed to come forward to get a cupcake. I'm sure they were not intentionally passed over. I wouldn't do anything, especially without hearing the other side of the story.

Your time is better spent teaching your kids that not everyone in the world has manners - and that's ok.

Sometimes, you should just go with your gut instinct. You know that old adage: "If you have to ask...." If it had been my neighbor with that sort of history, I would have politely declined for my children and if they were upset, I would have promised them a treat at home. "You know, it was polite for her to offer, but as we weren't invited earlier and we've been busy all day, I'm going to say that it's just time for us to be home."

I try not to expose my kid to judgmental ladies like the one you described, just so she had NOTHING to say to anyone about my child. Now that you feel that your suspicion that she is a horrible person is confirmed-- use that information wisely. Personally, I do not approach people that aren't family/coworkers about their horrible manners. I take the approach of "so now we know" and use that to guide my expectations. Tigers don't change their stripes and someone who is usually a B is not going to de-B herself for your kids. She is graceless and cannot be relied upon to do the better thing or be her higher self. Now you know.

ETA: and seriously, heed what Leigh suggested: you do not want a target on either your backs or your children's backs with this woman. Because she won't be saying "oh, I am so sorry I failed to introduce them and make them feel welcome".... she will probably be more inclined to tell people that they lied about the situation. Consider the long-term consequences of your desire to straighten this woman out. And you got some great advice on helping your children develop some resilience, too.

I wouldn't be pleased, but I do think they probably were "shy" and didn't assert themselves and come up for a cupcake. On the other hand, I'd be mad if my 6 year old cried over a cupcake. And 5 minutes? They weren't present at the party long enough to actually GET involved. Sounds like they walked up late, the attention is on the birthday child (as it should be), they basically gathered everyone around, sang a song, passed out cupcakes, and you also need to allow for about 3-5 minutes, please, for the birthday child to swallow his cupcake. (maybe your children didn't step up, OR maybe they ran out because they invited several other children on the fly---a very embarrassing gaffe, and I would certainly hand over my cake as an adult to another child, but who knows what was happening there), and then they thought "Oh, no cake?" and walked home. As a party giver, I do my very best to keep things fun and happy for all who come, but IT TAKES A FEW MINUTES, people!
If Joseph (my son, age 6 1/2) went to a party with no gift in hand, saw there was no cake for him, and walked out within 5 minutes, I would have a little talking to with him about manners. Stay long enough to wish your neighbor happy birthday. See if there's a game or something they're going to play in 5 minutes. Smile and speak to people. If they weren't overtly treated "badly" then they should hang out 15 minutes. Otherwise, it's rude because it looks like all they wanted was to walk in and eat. That's what I'd be telling MY son at least. If he was there for 30 minutes and nobody spoke to him the whole time, and when he tried to introduce himself or start a conversation (he's been taught to do so) and was still ignored, THEN I'd have a problem and would have a calm mom to mom conversation. What you described though? Sounds like your kids were tired and not in the mood.....or need to be coached on guest etiquette. And how to handle feelings when we feel slighted....that's life, it will happen, we can't control how other random people act, but I would not be ok with Joseph crying over a silly cupcake. I would blow this off as being one thing too many after a long day out, and begin looking for teaching opportunities so you can teach your children social skills for later. Sounds like your 9 year old handled it just fine, and probably just came home because her brother wanted to.

Sounds weird.
But I wouldn't say anything.
I mean, you weren't there, you didn't see what happened.
Maybe your kids were hanging so far back they got "lost" in the mix.
Sure it would have been nice and good manners for the host to make sure EVERYONE got a cupcake, but what are you going to do, be the good manners police?
You clearly don't like this woman, so don't send your kids over there again.

I wouldn't say anything to her, and I'd probably distance myself from them in the future. If the kids want to play that's fine, but I wouldn't get too emotionally invested in either direction. I don't see any point to having a confrontation with her.

I would just tell my kids - "well, that was strange! Let's make our own cupcakes!" And then get them so engaged in the fun of making cupcakes that son will get over it quickly.

Now that you know who she is - believe her! Distance! Not worth the emotional energy imho . . .

We had a "snippy" neighbor when my kids were young. Once we figured out she would talk behind people's backs, look down here nose at others and complain all the time we just didn't socialize anymore.

I think it drove her crazy that we were polite but distant as we had other close friends on the block. As a family we just don't have time for people like that, not even if there are cupcakes involved.

I am just not getting why you are "livid". Why didn't you walk back over with them and help them with the situation?

Sounds like there is some back history that is causing this frustration...because I am not understanding why this is such a big deal. I would just distance myself from her but be cordial.

Please don't let this eat at you. I would use this as a teaching moment for your children. Why didn't they speak up and go ask for a cupcake?? I know my kids would have gone over and said, "Excuse me. Can I please have a cupcake?" And my younger ones are 7 and 10. I have seen them do it. At parties...there is so much hoopla going on that some kids get a little lost in the festivities. I have witnessed it at parties and had it brought to my attention when I have been the hostess. It happens.

Teach your children to respectively assert themselves to get what they need or want. If they had asked for a cupcake...I am pretty positive they would not have been told "no". I know when my kids feel like everyone is looking at them that is not always what is happening. It is usually because they are embarrassed and don't know what to do. Soooo, teach them that next time they need to be proactive and go ask for a cupcake.

Just let it go....this is not something you want to cause more drama in the neighborhood about. You have to share fences with these people for a looooong time. Let the kids continue to play together but shut down any gossiping between you and the self proclaimed "HOA President". Usually all neighborhoods have one...we just have to learn how to get along with them but not let us get pulled into their negativity and drama.

I agree with some below posts that this might not be what actually happened. Maybe your kids were in the back of the crowd, didn't come forward, etc.

Also, I would have gone with my kids, not sent them alone. It only took five minutes, not out of your way. Simply based on knowing how this woman is, and that it was kind of an unusual last-minute "invitation", that might have been a good way to handle it.

IF you say something - and I'm not sure you should - don't jump to accuse. Just ask her about what happened.

ETA: I agree with April's post above mine - even though your kids were "invited over for cupcakes", good guest manners are that they should not just show up with a hand out and leave when they don't immediately get a cupcake. Remind your son that he should say hello to people, say happy birthday to the birthday boy, and then politely make his exit if he is tired. (I'm guessing your daughter knows all of that and she left because her brother was upset...but it sounds like your son was too focused on cashing in on the cupcake offer.)

You weren't there so you don't know what happened. The issue seems to be that you don't really like this woman at all and feel the need to tell her off. Believe it or not but there are just some people in the world who you won't mesh with well. And some of those people might live by you, work with you, or be the parents of your children's friends.

So your choices are to say something about an event when you only know what your children have told you, ask for more information about the event knowing in the back of your mind that you are pissed and it won't matter what actually happened, or let it go. Personally I'd let it go.

Now moving forward you'll have to figure out your next step. Is there a way to have the children play together without being there with this woman? Your children are certainly old enough to play in the yard with glances out the window to check on them. Another idea would be to shut her down when she starts to talk about others. Just say "Sorry but I've decided not to judge others and gossip or listen to others being judged and gossip." Say it as often as needed.

Your post started out as a concern and ended up as a vent.

Birthday parties are strange things, and I knew as a kid that unless you were well known to the people there or got right in with the crowd of partiers (is that a word?) you were likely to be left. I can picture that happening in this case. Mama gives a very casual invitation, your children go over, the neighbors helping with the gang of kids overlook yours because they weren't there a few minutes ago, everybody else wonders, "Who are they?" and your kids are left out.

If I were in your shoes and the neighbor were a friend of mine, I might mention it in a way that expresses the sadness of what happened without finger-pointing (or yelling) at anyone. But this neighbor isn't a friend of yours; you don't like her. You're harboring all sorts of grudges against her. So you might want to let it go, acting on the old adage, "Least said, soonest mended," for the sakes of the children who really do like one another.

neighbors, neighbors, neighbors... Unfortunately we can't really choose who our neighbors are - and even if we try there's no guarantee that a new, and odd person won't move in next door.

Realize that some kids are more senstive than others and coming in late (bu no fault of your own) to a birthday party is going to be awkward no matter what. One of the adults really should have tried to make your kid feel more welcome - but people are often clueless. Try not to read into your child's reaction - he's 6 years old and is accustomed to adults smoothing out odd social situations - which didn't happen here.

When we react to our kid's discomfort it can become larger than it was. When my kids were younger there was almost always one or two kids left as the "odd man out" . Sometimes it was my kid, sometimes it was one of the other neighborhood kids. So when my child would come home crying I'd put my arms around him or her - give them an "aww baby" and "I love you dearly" and then remind them that next time it will be one of the other kids and that this is a lesson to try to be the person who helps the others feel comfortable.

At this age they get over stuff pretty quickly if we let them.

In the meantime try to ignore your annoying neighbor - they are everywhere.

how weird.
it would certainly be the last straw vis-a-vis putting my kids in that sort of situation again. your poor little guy. i want to bake him his very own cupcake!
but as for causing a huge stink yourself.
the no.
the HOA situation has nothing to do with this. nor does your obvious (and natural) dislike for the mom. you won't change her by 'calling her out.' you will only make things weirder, and guarantee that your kids lose friends (no need for their relationship to suffer.)
next time they extend an invitation like that, decline it. use this as a teachable moment with your kids. let them play with the neighbor kids with appropriate boundaries in place. living in a neighborhood with drama and tension sucks, and it's not okay for the kids.
if the opportunity for a discussion arises naturally, by all means have it. but don't go gunning for her. and don't use the opportunity to bring up ALL your frustrations and dislikes. a simple 'i'm glad your son had a great time. my kids were disappointed to be invited but then not permitted to enjoy the cake with the others.' and leave it hanging. she might bluster, or apologize, or make excuses. (there might even be another side to the story.) but really, don't try to create a scenario for a blowup. it'll feel good for about 5 minutes and then make things awkward forevermore.
show your kids how to take the high road.
khairete
S.

Hi,

We had something similar happen, although with a family we are good friends with. We bumped into them one day, and they invited my kids to a 'school friend' party that afternoon purely because we ran into them and they had a birthday cake. I wasn't expecting invites because it was school friends only and we live quite far away (see them every couple of months). I also didn't have a chance to purchase gifts, and so declined politely and just said that we'd treat the kids out to ice cream and a movie to celebrate the following weekend. I knew my kids would feel a bit awkward being invited at the last minute, so I just made the call and we wished them a happy birthday and fun at the party. No one was offended. They had a great time the following weekend. Much better than if they were the odd ones out, although sometimes that's ok for kids to experience also so long as they know ahead of time how to cope with situations like that. Or go along.

That doesn't help you now I realize, but sometimes when you say "Are you sure it's okay?" it's a sign that you have misgivings about it to begin with. Same with saying that you know rationally that calling her out would be the wrong thing to do. So maybe sit on it for a bit, and see how you feel after a day or so before you act.

Perhaps they saw you pull in, and didn't want your kids to feel excluded if they saw a party going on next door, and they meant well, but with the excitement and kids already in party mode, your kids were overlooked. That's my guess, but unless you ask, how will you know? I would be upset too as a mom - but I think you are really upset because of the history here. So decide what is best for you and the kids long term before you speak to them. It may be worth trying to sort things out, but only you can decide that. Good luck, I hope that helps.

Your poor kiddos! I will say that it is possible that your kids misinterpreted some things- not that they are making anything up, just that they were uncomfortable and perhaps shy.

Regardless, I actually do think it's a good idea to speak to your neighbor. Don't read her the riot act over everything, just speak to her about this. Say "I know you were focused on the birthday celebration, but do you know what happened with my kids? They came home upset without a cupcake and I'm not sure why..... I wondered what you saw".

Take it from there. This way you are at least making sure she knows your kids left upset. Ideally, she will feel badly and that's fine. If she says something that your kids just didn't 'appear' in the cupcake line, just let her know they are kids and were already unsure if they were really wanted there. If she says anything snide, I would just say "it's too bad that you asked them over there only to have them feel unwelcome". And leave it at that.

You say that the kids get along. I wouldn't make a huge stink for the sake of neighborly harmony. I get what you are saying- you let lots of stuff go and this time would like her to know that they hurt your kids. I agree, there's a time to stand up for your kids, so say something. But you will be neighbors for quite a while and don't want to start having issues. Say your piece, and let it go. Good luck!

I wouldn't do a thing. Go get them some cupcakes from the grocery and let it go.

Now you know better than to send your kids over there.

Sounds to me like they didn't have as many cupcakes to share as they thought.
And if that happened, I'm floored that the adults that INVITED them over didn't just gives theirs to your kids.
How mean and tacky.

I agree with the other poster that would ask the mom if you misunderstood her invite, and that your son came home crying.
See what she has to say for herself.

Sounds like your kids probably didn't make their presence known.

Look at it from the other point of view. You're a parent at a party of a friend. You're there for a few hours, seeing all the same kids play together.

Everyone sings happy birthday, you pass out cupcakes and make sure you hit everyone that you've been seeing for the past hour. You don't notice the two quiet NEW kids that have just come over.

I don't know about your kids, but what I usually notice is if kids are just thrown into a new situation, especially one where everyone else has been playing together for a while, the tendency is to hang back.

I would bet that your kids hung back a bit, quietly, because they just arrived. Probably they were overlooked. It may have been that the adult giving the cupcakes asked if there was anyone else and your kids either didn't say anything, or didn't make a motion loud enough. Maybe your daughter just raised her hand. Kids are short, and hard to see in a crowd. Parties are loud.

I would highly doubt that your kids were intentionally left out. It was probably a mistake that is being made bigger by your past history with this woman.

I would have walked back over with your kids to figure out what happened and straighten out the mistake. That would have soothed your youngest, let you confront the mom by having her own up to the mistake, and shown your kids that you stand behind them. It would also having given you the chance to find out if you kids needed to speak up or make their presence known.

You already know the answer here. You really do: "I know this would be the wrong thing to do." If you go off on this woman - who is frankly delusional, isn't she? President of a nonexistent association? - you are going to become her target, big-time. You will achieve nothing by confronting her, other than putting your family on her radar for a barrage of those negative comments and maybe even a campaign to make your family's lives hell around the neighborhood.

It's too bad that all the kids in both families will have to pay a price but truly, they won't feel it long, or much. They have their own lives and don't see each other very often, so it's not like you're going to deprive your kids of buddies they're playing with daily.

Be Too Busy. That is really the formula for these situations. "Jimmy has soccer in a few minutes so we're about to leave and he can't play. Sorry." "Janie's got homework tonight." Whatever. Be sure it's all true or nosy negative neighbor will comment about it (I bet she watches the cars come and go). But your kids are fairly young, and believe me as a parent of an older kid -- very, very soon there really will not be time for casual neighborhood play dates in the afternoons after school. That's why I say the kids will live through this just fine. Sounds like your nine-year-old is already able to shrug it off, at least outwardly. Distract them.

As for the specific incident, sounds like maybe grandma had one agenda (invite over your kids, be nice) and when they got there, mom suddenly realized they were too short on cupcakes and decided your kids -- the last-second invitees -- were the ones to shortchange. It's petty and dumb but she is not going to come to you and apologize as she will think she has done nothing wrong.

I would keep things cool but cordial with hellos as you pass and leave it at that. Do not give her reason to target your family but go and live your lives. Your kids and hers are not in the same classes or otherwise entangled together in sports etc. where she's after you for carpooling, etc. Be glad of that and ensure your kids are occupied. Tell them that sometimes adults get their wires crossed and that's what happened here and they didn't mean to ignore them. But don't confront this woman or it sounds like she would fabricate things about you.

Kids refusing cupcakes after specifically being invited over for one? Yeah, I don't think so.

I would have immediately walked back over there, with the kids, and confronted her. Say something like, "Im sorry, I thought you said they could come over for cupcakes but they came home without one". See what she says. If there was truly some kind of misunderstanding, no worries. If she has some lame snarky mean remark, then you tell them that your kids will no longer be over, thank you and have a good day. I definitely would not let this go, it's b.s. and I would have been pissed too. Good luck.

I would simply ask what happened. I also would not have let them go initially as they were not invited, and had I accepted their "on the fly" invite I would have hung around a bit knowing this woman may not be the nicest.

Part of me thinks you saw this or something like this coming because of this woman's past actions and part of me thinks you genuinely thought who can be mean to kids? Well, LOTS of people can be mean to kids.

I would ask about what happened because your LO came back crying and you know that kids can exaggerate - find out from her what she says and go from there. NO matter what letting it all go will only make YOU feel better. The kids will not play together ever again (so think of them too), you will become her "Pet Project" of get this family to move the bleep out of here and she will do what she can to make your life miserable while functioning in the neighborhood.

Keep your distance all together, refrain from having the kids play, refrain from activities that involve her - but do not blow up on her if this is her personality.

So they spoke to you, in person, and asked your kids to come over for the party? Or did your kids ask to go over, and the grown-ups involved say yes? Those are very different situations. If it's the former, then the neighbors are completely out of line. If it's the latter, then the fault lies a little less with them and more with you. Under those circumstances, you should have told you children no, and told the neighbors that y'all would be happy to see them some other time when you were invited.

Although still, what adult, cupcake in hand, seeing a child without a cupcake at a party, would not give theirs to the child?

I'm not sure there is anything to say to the neighbors here. Take what you've learned, and choose your future behavior accordingly. Do your children have a good relationship with the grandkids? Have the grandkids been cruel and thoughtless, or only the grown-ups? If the kids themselves haven't been a problem, then continue to allow them to play together with your kids, but more at your house than theirs, and only when it works well for you. Minimize or eliminate the times when the clueless/hurtful adults are in charge of your kids.

What would I do?

Nothing. Blow it off.

I would have walked back over with my kids, knocked on the door and said, "I'm sorry, did I misunderstand? Did you just invite my kids over cupcakes?" Then I would have waited for them to respond and taken it from there. Since you can't do that, I would still go over today (maybe w/out your kids) and just ask what happened and if there was a communication error. Tell them your son came home crying. How very odd. With the rest of the issues you have w/ them ... don't go there. But do clarify what happened yesterday so that this doesn't fester into something bigger.

oh man......i have nothing positive to say here....only that you handled yourself VERY WELL! You are wise to keep your kids away for her negative disposition........let them know that there is more good out there than what she has shown them and not to take it personally. Her behavior is all about her and how she feels about herself.

Big Hugs and Kisses to your kids!

S.

Calm down.

Bring your kids there when you've calmed down, and have them ask your neighbor themselves why they didn't get a cupcake.

If that doesn't bring forth the truth, at least it can be a less subtle way of letter her know her rudeness didn't go unnoticed.

I am sorry about your kids, that is a sad experience.
You shouldn't have sent your kids over if you knew in advance such horrible things about your neighbor.
You can say something, absolutely, your kids were hurt, but I wouldn't; if you decide to say something be concise and do not loose your temper, and from now on, you and your kids keep distance, be polite, wave when you see them, and that is! Just because they are your neighbors, your kids do not have to play all the time with those kids. Keep your children busy (sports somewhere else, playing inside when the others are outside, etc.) and remind them just being polite.

I'm not sure they exactly treated them like lepers but I get Why u were upset. As I read it she caught u when u got home and invited them for cupcakes. She did not invite to hang, play be part of a party do to say. Just come by say happy birthday and have a treat. So for the child to be upset I get that as that was the intent of the very casual invite. Why invite if there wasnt enough cupcakes to go around? I'd drop it but in passing if u see her maybe mention that your kids stopped by and them said there weren't enough cupcakes apparently to go around. And dirt of laugh it off to see what she might say. Now if u don't care anymore then don't mention it. I can't imagine this was intentional, as she did invite them. Just because she had this personality that tubs u the wrong way doesn't make her a bad person. If u really need to know them just ask her what might have happened.

Good for you for speaking up for your children. One of my biggest peeves is for an adult to treat a child like they are less of a person.

Yes, I would give her the "can't be bothered right now" waive and that's it.

Bazaar. But better you let anything come up naturally than force a confrontation.
If they see the kids every week, the opportunity will present it's self.

Now you know.

In your shoes, I too would have been livid, but I would have waited until I saw my neighbor again and asked, "hey, what happened the other night? My son was upset and in tears, something about not enough cupcakes...." and see what was said. This leaves no bad blood, but also lets her know that it didn't go so well.

Then I would decline invites like that unless they are set up ahead of time and you are sure that everything is fine.

I also believe that the kids should be able to play with one another even if the adults don't care for each other.

Have a GREAT today!!

I would not bring up the past, but I would ask about his incident. But, approach it like maybe you misunderstood so that if her explanation is legit you will not have put your foot in your mouth.

I would have gone back and gotten them their cupcakes, telling the grandma or mom that they came home without one. Geez they invite them for one and don't even give them one. Bizarre. i would have told them they were too embarrassed to ask for one but that your son was disappointed.

With that said and it being a new day, I would still ask your neighbor about it when you see her next. I would make a point of telling her your son was upset about it. I wouldn't bring in the other feelings you have about her at this meeting.

I had this happen once, my neighbor's kid invited my dd over after they got off the school bus, I was standing there and told my dd it was okay if it was ok with her mom. The other mom said oh sure, why don't you come over too? I told her I had to run home real quick and I went back.

When I got there, the other mom totally ignored me and went about her business. I finally said, "well, we better get going.." I took my dd home.

It's a reflection of THEIR bad manners...won't ever go back!