My Mom Has Low Self Esteem, How Can I Help?

I so agree with Mary L. My mother to was put through something like this by her sister and one of my sisters (her daughter). I sent her a letter in the mail. Telling her how wonderful she was and how beautiful she was and that I always thought she looked like Liz Taylor. I told her that no matter what anyone thought of her, that she had a daughter that loved her, admired her, considered her my best friend and could not see life without her. She was my hero. When she got the letter she cried and said she needed that, and she would forever keep it and hold it in her heart. Sometimes people just take people for granted. In writting is better then just telling her, sometimes things so in one ear and out the other, but when you read something, you have to focus. Good Luck you sound like a very caring daughter.

All of us moms love to be told what a great mom we are or what a great job we have done as a mom. You could just keep reminding her of that. Pick instances from your childhood where you know she made the right decision for you and bring those things up to her. Pats on the back always build your self worth, we all needem from time to time.
You must be a lot like her since you are sitting here without your cold pack and typing away :)

You should find a charity or volunteer opportunity that you think she would be good at and help get her involved. Doing for others (outside of what she does for her family) will make her feel really good about herself. It will also hopefully give her the recognition she deserves if she excels at it.

Self esteem is often a function of accomplishing something on your own and being recognized for it. Even though she has done so much for you guys she probably just considers it part of the job...and if her esteem is low she probably find fault with what she has doen anyhow.

Lots of people with low self-esteem are "people pleasers" b/c they are looking for some positive feedback for their actions and efforts.

So, start giving her positive feedback for her actions and efforts, but please don't make it over-the-top or unnatural. If she does something for you, thank her and be specific "Mom, thank you for bringing dinner over tonight. I have been so busy and it was really thoughtful of you to figure out exactly what kind of help I needed!"

Even better... write her a note once in a while and point out a couple of specific things she has said or done that have brightened your day or made you feel good about yourself. My mom still sends me notes like that and I keep each and every one of them! I have started sending them to my mom, sisters and nieces (adults). Maybe I'm old-fashioned but there is something really special about getting a piece of "real" hand-written mail. It makes you feel valued b/c the person sending it took the time to write the note, address and mail it (not email)!

Totally write her a long EMO letter about how you're SO humbled by her selflessness, (with ENDLESS apologies explaining how you didn't REALIZE how selfless she truly was until YOU became a mother yourself) and how your SO thankful for having had HER for a mother so that YOU can be the best Mother Ever!

(What a beautiful post!)

:)

Take her for a girls day out.Valentines day is coming up. May be a nice facial and massage. Tell her that you love her and she is a great Mom. It seems like you have a great relationship already since you are posting what you can do to make her feel better about herself. Tell her she is a great role model and how she is always cheerful and positive. May be once in a while send her a card and let her know you appreciate her.

There's nothing YOU personally can do to help build her self esteem and that isn't your job. If you try to turn the tables on her and mother her she's likely going to feel worse. Here are some suggestions, though, things that you can help her locate:

A life coach/therapist

A hobby/class, something outside of her comfort zone to build confidence in her ability to learn and grow and change

A makeover--day at the spa kind of thing. You can look around her town for packages at local spas. Just spending that time on herself, giving her a new look (haircut, color, a facial...) things like that can really make you feel different. It's not going to be a permanent change on the inside but it will likely give her the kick that will allow her to look in the mirror and see someone sufficiently different that her immediate reaction isn't "Ugh. Me again." Perhaps that will shake up the pattern of thought enough to kick her into gear to change other things in her life.

A fitness/yoga class. Exercise and building strength will help her build confidence. Nothing feels better than being strong and fit. You can work out together...start slowly by walking or go to a beginning yoga class.

There are also lots of women's workshops--check out the local learning annex, adult education, women's resource centers to see if there are any classes or programs for womens personal development.

If you can encourage her to do something she doesn't think she can do or doesn't want to do because she won't like it, she'll change alot.

Just don't get stuck in the cycle of trying to convince her personally that she's worth something. Direct her to things that will help her find that out for herself.

Send her a sweet letter (snail mail, so she can re-read it). Make it short and sweet, not "sappy" and definitely not angry at anybody. Let her know that it's too bad Grandma talked that way, but you're there to say she is the best mother and the best person you know, and that you feel blessed to be her daughter.

Leave it at that, but then start looking for things you can do from now on. Little things! A love note dropped on the table as you leave her house (I'm assuming she lives near you; if not, then a love note dropped in the mail). One flower in a little vase, if she likes flowers. Any time something good (or cute) happens at your house, call her and tell her. Lots of out-loud "thank-yous" and "I appreciate yous." When you are together, LISTEN to anything she has to say. Love listens. When somebody actually listens to you, you feel like you're somebody.

Make these little attentions and actions into such a habit for you that they're effortless. They will help your mother grow on the inside.

I agree that if you go overboard or bring the subject up repeatedly, she will be unhappy and uncertain about it. You and your mother are both right in thinking that it's little words and actions that show people whether they're very important or not. (You know the difference between, say, love shown to you every day by your husband and "love" shown only on Valentine's Day, right?)

Unhappily, you can't do anything about Grandma. You both can only understand that what she says ain't necessarily so.

I'm thinking your mama may have raised you well. You sound like a terrific daughter!