My Mom, Step Dad, and Smoking Around the Kids... HELP

I completely understand. Actually I have been crying over a similar situation all day. My younger daughter who is 3.5 years old is currently at my moms 6 hours from my house. My husband had job training for a week near her house and we figured it would be a good idea to have her get to spend alone time with grandma and grandpa. Well, my mom on her own told me over the phone "so you know, I will make sure to step outside to smoke because I know you don't want her around it." Whew, I thought. I couldn't believe I didn't have to bring it up myself. Then a few days after my daughter got their, my husband had some free time to stop by to visit. My mom and daughter were in the upstairs of her house and my mom went in to the storage space right off the room they were in and took a few drags and then sprayed air freshener. My husband was furious. And called me. I too am hurt. But I know my mom wasn't malicious...she just doesn't get it!!! She thought going in another room and spraying stuff would protect my daughter. So know my daughter is stuck with my mom who is pissed off at us. I am so tempted to grab my other daughter and go get her. She researched it now and keeps telling me that it is all over her clothese, so she will just stay clear of my daughter. I am so hurt. I don't want my daughter around her while she is angry with me and my husband. My step father says we are being disrespectful to expect my mom to change her behavior, but had she told me she would smoke around her, I wouldn't have sent her. I am terrified that my husband won't be able to bite his tongue when he picks her up. I already feel like I lost my mom forever (she told us we need to get a hotel now when we come to a family reunion this summer) and I don't want this to cause marital conflict now!!! I just want to protect my daughter...The same way my mother SHOULD have protected me :(

Sounds like she has some issues beyond the smoking thing. My mom smokes and she totally respects the fact that I do not want my children around the smoke. We sit in non-smoking at restaurants, they do not ride in her car, I wash anything she brings in, when they were babies she had to change tops to hold them...etc. Does that sound mean? Well, frankly I would be offended that they can not put the needs of the children before their own selfishness. This is a topic that everyone knows is not for negotiation in our family. I still have effects of living with a smoker---I am 30! Go with your gut and her emotions will sort them selves out, but don't apologize for your intuition. I do tell my mom I love her dearly, and the two issues of love and smoking are not joined. You can deeply love someone and establish healthy boundaries.

I, too, grew up in a smoking household and HATED it. My mother visted me in college when I had minor surgery and my room STANK forever afterwards.

OK, I'm going to sound like an awful person here, but YOU are RIGHT, and your mom is being a whiny martyr. Your step-dad is acting like a grown up - good for him! He has an addiction/ habit, and who knows, he might be able to kick it eventually because of his grand-babies.

Not sure why you chickened out originally, though family dynamics always make life "interesting" and we all respond differently in family situations as opposed to the "real world" :) Maybe there's someting more to your mom's reaction to this minor incident-something else going on for her/in her head. If not, be comfortable in knowing you protected your babies' lungs and you ARE doing the right thing. Heck, you can invite them to stay at your place if you have the room - your house/your rules - no smoking!

Good luck.

Telling your mom/step dad they cannot smoke in your house is OK. Not taking your children to their house because you don't want your kids around the 2nd hand smoke is also okay. Telling your parents not to smoke in their own house is not okay (it's their house). It sounds like this is what your mom interpreted, although I don't see that you said or even implied this. It sounds like your step dad didn't take it this way and is being reasonable and understand. Your mom is not. You are not a bad person, but understand one thing: Smokers do NOT usually smell that nasty stench until after they quit smoking. So, from your mom's point of view, she just may not understand at all what the fuss is. Good luck with this. It sounds like you will have a tough time convincing her that you love her...just not the smoking.

You absolutley did the right thing. You are your babies' only advocate. My son was a preemie and we are still suffering from respiratory problems. I won't let him stay in places where there is smoke. Yeah, it is your mom but those are YOUR kids and your job is to protect them and their well being. Don't let anyone tell you that you are a bad person for looking out for your kids!

you did the right thing. your mom is throwing a 2 year old temper tantrum...

Hi B.,
I have been in almost your exact situation and also posted the question here, getting great responses. I have pasted the link to my post below so you can read all of them.

I was also afraid of hurting my mother's feelings, so I too chickened out on a couple of occasions, until I finally realized the most important thing I haven't forgotten since then: WE, as mothers, are the advocates for our children's health and safety. And if you make the decision to keep your children's safety a priority, you are not making the wrong choice.

Ultimately my mother's feelings were hurt, and mine were hurt that I had to hurt her, but she understood and makes a conscious effort as she does not smoke in my house, car or in her own house while we are visiting. She respects that I am his mother and I make the decisions to do what is right for him.

I am sorry to hear that your mother is reacting selfishly, however, give her some time to process it and talk to your step dad about it, he will more than likely be able to help her understand since he is the smoker. Hang in there, I know its a tough situation!

http://www.mamasource.com/request/16923305168500424705

No! You are not wrong! YOU have the choice because they are your children! I live in a house with an athsmatic daughter who is also allergic to smoke and my mother still smokes around her and I am trying to leave as soon as possible. The only reason I can think of for some one to smoke around a child with medical conditions or not is that they care more about themselves than the child. They should walk the extra 5 steps to the door to smoke. I am a smoker myself but that is my choice not my childs'. If your mom can't see that it is YOUR choice about YOUR child then she is ignorant just like my mom. THEY COME FROM A GENERATION THAT IGNORED HEALTH RISKS SO THEY COULD SMOKE WHEN AND WHERE THEY WANTED GUILT FREE! They need to learn that it is not acceptable!