My Niece Critcizes My house...how Do I React?

Just repeat the thing you said to her each and every time she says it. That will send her away. You said it perfectly.

In addition, you can say, "Honey, it's not polite to tell people their house isn't clean enough. Please don't do it." It's not that hard. Just be straightforward.

"The cleaning supplies are under the bathroom sink. Feel free to show me how I should be cleaning. Otherwise, please stop telling me how to take care of my own home."

I FEEL for you.

Over the past 6 years (kiddo is 8) we haven't had a single friend in "our" situation that has kids until recently (yay! You have no idea how much I absolutely love my new friend's messy houses & apartments!!!).

- We were in our 20's (and still in school/starting out)
- They were in their 40's (and "set up")

- We had a SAHP (moi)
- The were dual income (had the kids from 5-7pm depending on the family until bedtime & weekends... so they were in their houses only to eat and sleep)

- We had no extra help (not that I would turn it down!!! Would LOVE to have a maid!)
- They had maids... 1x & 2x per week, except for one family that had an Every Day cleaner ((The every day person did something BIG every day, like floors were all washed and waxed one day, dusting the next, yardwork the third, etc. + linnens were washed every day and she cooked for them 5 days a week, so they came home to food))

I know for MYSELF... I would absolutely love to live in a Better Homes clean house every day. It's just not possible without help. Small house + 3 people + dog + friends + swimming pool + DH's band + weekly BBQ's or dinners + homeschool + me working from home at night + Fix'er'upper house I'm remodeling DIY = life = messy house. My FRIENDS have never made comments, but their kids did, and that would feed into my own insecurities/desires.

For me, it's not what the kids are saying, it's that they're right, and I don't want them to be. But I also refuse to spend more than the 2 hours a day I already spend cleaning... and I already cook 3 hours a day. I'm happy with my life, just not my house. I'll take it in THAT order, any day of the week.

((BTW... Just had to share a gem:

My son's closest friend is an Aspie -so extremely literal. One day when he came over his dad came with him, and welcoming them in did the standard "Sorry the house is such a disaster, come on in :)" shake hands thing with his dad. Whoops, forgot kiddo's friend was there sort of thing. So the boy stops... looks around, walks purposfully and quickly into each room (while his dad blushes) and announces:

"Oh... this could be MUCH worse. I think you exaggerated with disaster. The house seems structurally sound and well cared for. Some minor wear and tear on the walls, and a few things in each room to be put elsewhere, but overall 10 or 15 hours of work with 2 people could have it sterile. Don't know why you'd want it sterile though. Kiddo and I would would get it right back to the way it is in about 2 days, a week maybe if we were being careful not to. Then you'd just have to do it all over again. Course, if we were trying hard we could double the problem in an hour. " Then he went running off to play with my son.

I LOVE this kid :D :D :D And his dad knows it. Aparently, some people don't like his son's honest appraisals. For me, they make my heart sing. ))

I'm never one to mince words so I would tell her that she's being rude. And then I would squirt some cleaner in the toilet bowl, hand her the scrubber and say, "Have at it! You clean it to your specifications then. When you're done with that, I'll give you another thing to clean that you think is dirty - that is unless you can keep your opinions to yourself."

I don't think you're being sensitive at all. I would be offended too. You work hard and don't need some snotty 6 year old's opinion on what she considers to be clean.

The only other thing I can think of is that she hears her mom or Grandma being critical of your house. I would probably speak to her mom about it - maybe the niece is like that at home too. Who knows?

Hi J.,
I don't have to tell you this child has beastly manners. And what the other mamas have suggested is right on target: do not let any comment pass.

Have a bucket, scrub brush, gloves, broom, mop, dust rag, and mild cleaning solution handy, and the next time she takes it upon herself to criticize your home, hand her whatever supplies she needs to clean it up herself.

It sounds like this poor girl (and I do feel sad for her) has almost no home and family life (school and day care 10 to 11 hours a day??!), and has no clue that she is *part* of a family, not *the center* of one. Sounds like she *needs* the love and guidance of an aunt, but a little tough-love is likely where you will need to start.

Take care. t

I once had a little girl about the same age say something similar to me as well. And as hard as I tried to not let it bother me, it did. She said something to the affect of "who cleans your house"? I said "I do". She said " nooo, I mean who comes to CLEAN it"? and I kind of laughed and said again "I do". So I asked who cleans her home and she said oh a whole bunch of ladies come and clean it all up! Dont they come to your house? I told her not everyone has a whole bunch of ladies come over to clean up. And she quickly informed I should! She was not related to me at all so I didnt feel like I could say anything to her, but realized she really did not understand that most people dont have help. I am sure your niece just doesnt realize that, that is not the way for everyone and probably in her own way was trying to help you out, by giving you the very nice suggestion. This happened over three years ago and I am still bothered by it. So, I guess I am just sharing that your not alone and that I understand why it hurt. Kind of sad that kids are growing up like that though.

Honestly, I think you need to speak with the parents. This is a rude little girl whose parents have not bothered to be sure she is using manners (good ones anyway). She is being rude to you. Let her parents explain that your house is not filthy and that many homes where the homeowners are responisible for their own cleaning and where there is a family at home all day look like yours. It's rude for a child to comment on the condition of your house or criticize you aas an adult and tell you what you should do.

I had a similar issue with a little girl that we would pick up to take to a church function each week. She would ALWAYS comment on how messy my car was ( a couple toys in the backseat for the kids and each person always has a water bottle.) and I had to tell her that it was rude for her to say so.

Do your nieces parents talk about the state of your home? She may have picked it up from them.

im a stay at home mom to a 3, 5 and 7 year old who are home with me. i do the best i can but i have realized that cleaning my house is a lot like brushing your teeth in the middle of eating an oreo :D . so, i do the best i can and i have learned not to stress about it so much. i could easily do nothing but clean all day long, but is that how i want my kids to think of me? that said, even knowing full well that teaching manners to a 5 year old is a process in itself, i know i would be sensitive to comments like that too, reasonable or not. i would just tell her that when you have little kids home playing all day, your house gets messy, but its not dirty. and that you guys like to spend your days playing and having fun together as much as you can, and that makes things messy too. (get the hidden message, in case she is repeating something she heard ;) ?) say it with a smile, tell her you might not have such a neat house, but its a happy house, and thats the most important thing to you. and tell her that you really appreciate when she cleans up after herself, and when she says nice things, especially to someone like you who loves her and lets her play and have fun in your house.

J.,
Are you sure you can't just laugh her off? My sister is an adult and she doesn't mind telling me when she feels my decorating ideas are flawed. She is always making suggestions although I haven't asked for any. I used to get my feelings hurt, but then I realized.........well, laughing it off just works better. Besides my sister has some great ideas, I just don't like them!

Next time your niece tells you your house isn't clean enough, try laughing first, then tell her "I think my house is perfect just the way it is!"

I don't think it would damage your relationship whatsoever if you were to tell her that her comments hurt your feelings. Wait until she does it again and "catch her in the act", so to speak. As a relative, you're playing a part in rasing this child. If her knee was scratched, you'd put a band-aid on it. If she was covered in mud, you'd draw her a bath. If she's saying something that is unintentionally rude or hurtful, you (kindly) set her straight. Honestly it's all part of the job. Your hesitation to deal with this probably comes from some sort of insecurity about your house, becase if she was saying ANYTHING else inappropriate (a bad word, for example) I have no doubt that you would've pulled her aside and explained why that is NOT okay. She's five....which means she's counting on you to teach her kindness and respect. Especially when Mom isn't around to get the job done herself.

EDIT: Okay, I just read someone else's comment that said they didn't think your niece would understand the concept of "hurt feelings". And someone else said to tell her not to "talk to adults like that" and that she's being "rude". I disagree with both. First of all, you don't need to be harsh about this AT ALL. You don't even need to scold her, as that will probably result in tears and drama that I'm sure you want to avoid. I can tell you that my soon-to-be-five-year-old can most certainly understand it when I tell him that something he says makes me sad. In fact, it breaks his little heart.

I honestly think you can get down on her level, hold her hand, and tell her how sad it makes you when she says that and maybe compare it to someone telling her that her favorite dress was ugly or something so that she can understand the nature of your hurt feelings. I'm positive this will completely resolve it. Heaven knows if my kid was saying that to someone, I can only pray that they would react as I've described.

I would gently admonish her in a teasing sort of manner w/ a kind smile on your face and say, "Tisk, tisk! Unless you are willing to help me clean my house, that is not a very nice thing to say and that hurts my feelings a little bit" :)

If a cockatoo told you your house was dirty, would you react? No, you'd consider the source, and probably not even wonder about the validity of the comment. With kids it's only a little different – they're like little parrots, reporting all the judgements they're learning from parents, teachers, and other kids. If you think about it, you are probably actually reacting to your belief that her judgment may have some basis of truth, or perhaps that her mom tells her your housekeeping isn't up to snuff.

In my experience, it's always good to consider criticism coming at me from outside, because there may be something in there that I should know. If that's the case, the critic is doing me a favor. But after a bit of self-scrutiny, I usually just let it go. You don't have to react if you know you're already doing the best you can. If you're living up to your own realistic standards and goals, that's quite enough.

You could just smile at her comments and tell her thanks for telling you her opinion. You don't even have to be sarcastic or teach her better manners, just smile and go on with your day. Kids are not particularly good little diplomats. If she even remembers her social clumsiness a few years from now, it will probably be with embarrassment.

Wow, some of the Moms are pretty straight foreward with their responses. My take on this is that it is a 6 year old talking to you...and she probably gets a lot of "don't mess that up the cleaning crew just cleaned it" at home and so is parroting what she hears there.
I still chuckle ( 30 years later) at the memory of a young wife and her daughter who was about 6 years old, coming over to visit my house. The little girl and her Mom were BOTH more than a little OCD about cleanliness ( the little girl would fuss at her 6 month old brother if "got more than one toy out at a time!!"). I was alway ( and am still) a more "relaxed" sort of housekeeper...I figure there are so many things of interest to do during the day instead of scrub and clean!! The little girl came into my kitchen with her Mom and said "Wow,the kitchen is a lot cleaner than it usually is"...I thought the Mom was going to DIE!!! lol.
I would let her comments just roll off your back...if you are comfortable with your home...and it is loved and lived in...let it go. If it continues to grate on your nerves, I think I would let her hear you discussing with your children the value of being kind and considerate to other people and not hurting other peoples' feelings. Maybe she will queston or comment and you can remind her about how your feelings were hurt a little when she commented on the cleanliness of your house.
As to there not being enough water in the toilet...I agree with the "we are saving the planet" comment...make her start thinking a little about conservation!!!

Hi J.---I agree with all aspects of advice given in previous posts, but I have another thought to add.

Kids that age are so darn literal---sort of like tunnel vision---so she may just be parroting something that she's either overheard or been taught at her home, likely about how her mom likes their house kept, not so much about how you keep yours. So she may not be criticizing so much as just telling you what she knows. Have you ever asked her why she is so particular about these specific areas? Maybe explain that the toilet that doesn't have a lot of water is a special toilet that uses less water to help save the planet (I'm just guessing as to the 'water' issue so don't take everything as a literal suggestion).

Also, just point out that your kids are younger and they simply don't see the 'mess' that they've left in the bathroom, they try to clean up as best as they can, and you don't follow them around all day just to clean up after them, etc.

She's likely old enough to understand that not all homes are cared for the same, and that doesn't mean a house is a health hazard. And tell her it's unfortunate that she didn't come to visit after your cleaning day...

But, you are the adult and I wouldn't get too upset about what a 6yr old says. Maybe, deep down, you are a little sensitive to how your house is kept??? Just a thought. If not, then just blow it off.

Good luck. I'm sure your neice will grow out of this phase sooner than later. Hope this helps. D.

If she has spent that much time in "school" (i.e., daycare) then she is probably not being properly socialized in home life (i.e., that "where there are no oxen the barn is clean"). That's a very sad example for a little girl who will someday (hopefully) lead and nurture her own family.

As hurtful as it is (and I would be hurt by that comment) I would show her unconditional, almost gushing love. I.e., "well, I am SOOO thankful that you came to be with us anyway!" After a period of time your connection with her will be so close that you can influence her a bit - i.e., teach (which is what the word discipline means) the proper way to handle family life. People are not perfect, and certainly come along with a degree of "mess" - but the point of a home is the PEOPLE who live in it!

My other guess (and it's just a guess) is that niece's mom probably feels guilty that they do not have much of a family life so it's easy to cut you down (to make themselves feel better). That's where kids learn alot of this stuff. Unless a child has fairly severe OCD they usually do not care THAT much about cleanliness, at least in my experience.

Again, love her unconditionally. And if you are worried a little about your house, work on it (not that you should be). Otherwise let it go.

Good luck.

she is 6. my thoughts are she has heard her mom or grandma comment on how your house looks. you don't need to explain yourself to a 6 years old. if she says something like that again take her to grandma or her mom (if they're visiting with her) and tell them what she said. no question? make a statement and see what they say.
a 6 year old will not know how to keep her thoughts to herself.

Your right in that your young niece does not have very good manners, but if she is in daycare b4 and after school that is likely why, her parents have not made teaching her this a priority. It is sad to me that her parents are not making her a priority in their lives by having her in daycare before and after school. I do find it odd that her comments happen mainly when Grandma brings her over though, is this your Mom or your MIL? Niece may be picking up her remarks about your housekeeping skills not in your presence. I would not worry about it too much and don't take it so personally, it is your house and if keeping your house immaculate is not high on your list then so be it. I would much rather be a good mom and wife than great housekeeper. I heard a funny comment about mothers keeping a clean house yrs ago and it makes me laugh whenever I think if it. Being a good housekeeper is not what you should be remembered for when your life is over. Have you ever read an obituary that says "she was known to keep a clean house" ? I haven't ! :D

Well, I'd have a little cleaning kit for her and ask to help you with that bathroom she won't use...gently of course. Explain you are busy and would LOVE her help....yes, ignore the comments the best you can it sounds as if you are sensitive yourself and perhaps beating yourself up! Wow to have a company come in and clean!? That would not be the majority of us...what a luxury. I would not allow my daughter to be so disrespectful to family or anyone at this age...I would gently talk to sister that this is hurtful and inappropriate. Hang in there...use humor and try ignoring it first! I feel your pain sister!!
K.

First of all, you do not have to defend yourself against a 6 year old. You should gently explain that it is bad manners to comment on the condition of someone else's house.

I learned a wonderful rule years ago that applies to everything from an untidy house to social injustice:

If it bothers you, it's your responsibility to do something about it. If you aren't willing to do something, then be quiet. You've automatically given up your right to complain about it.

That's the main rule in my house.

talk to her mother and see if it gets handled. Ask the mother what you should say to her daughter. I don't think it's ok for her to keep bringing it up but if it's only said once let it go. Have no idea what you should say exactly but something along the lines of some things that we think don't have to come out of our mouths b/c you can hurt other people's feelings after she says it again.

I'd consider her comments as a sign she is volunteering to help clean. Hand her a swiffer and let her help with the vacuuming. Hand her some paper towels and some windex and have her wipe the windows down, or she can dust. She's a little young to clean the toilets, but she can handle an old tooth brush wearing rubber gloves and work on the grout with some grout cleaner. And if she's merely parroting what Grandma says, the old girl can help out, too. If you are consistent with whipping out the cleaning supplies every time the comments start up - it's almost a sure bet the comments will stop fairly quickly (unless they are real slow learners).

This sounds like a case of "just because you do it at home, doesn't mean you can do it in mine". Tell you niece that her comments are rude and hurtful. You do not own her an explanation for why your house is not up to her standards, nor do you need to try and live up to them. She is a 6 year old CHILD and it sounds to me that she doesn't have to clean up at home or have any responsibilities for that matter. Take pride in the fact that you care enough to clean your house and that you are able to be home with your children instead of having to put them in day care. If she continues with her comments tell her what I tell my children, "You can think what ever you want in your head, but when it leaves you mouth, we will deal with it"

Ditto to those who bring up talking to the mom. What is she saying to the daughter? Also, what does her own room/bathroom look like? I see a little OCD coming on, or just rudeness. Good luck with that.

Also, I have a house that is over 20 years old, sometimes brand new houses just look "cleaner" so that might be the issue?

You could also give her the task of being the clean up police at your house since she is older.

I don't think you can explain about hurting your feeling but you can redirect her into helping you think of a solution. First assure her that the house is clean under the mess. and how do we get the little girls to keep their toys in one spot? or, maybe we should close the bathroom door so the little girls won't mess it up again for anyone else. or can you let me know when the little girls are about to make a mess so we can control it.
Those are just examples of getting her involved not "cleaning" but helping so there is less too clean and teaching her how to be sensitive to "cause and effect" and emotions.

Hi. I think it would be appropriate for you to say something directly to her the next time she comes over and says another critizism. At 6 years old, they still don't have the capability for empathising with others, but you can just tell her, "We like having you over to play at our house, but we do not like it when you say things like that. It hurts my feelings because I am trying my hardest to keep my house as clean as I can. If you have something to say that may hurt someone's feelings, can you keep it to yourself?" You will also be helping her be prepared for life because if she says hurtful things to other kids at school, she will not have any friends. It is good that you make her aware of hurtful comments. If she continues, then you need to stop having her over and explain politely that since she doesn't like your house, then she should not play here and that you don't allow hurtful comments to be said in your family. Eventually let her come back of course, but she will learn fast that way.

First of all, you don't need to explains us. I have a 2 year old a 12 year old and a 36 year old (aka husband) and I live in a small house.
I quit try to keep the house 24/7 clean, I was miserable and so do my kids, we had so little time to do anything because I was just cleaning all day and so tired.
You know what, I say it once, I don't remember if my house was sparkle clean when I was a child, I know it wasn't disgusting, but I don't remember if the floors were always clean and if my toys were always neat.
But I do remember many good times with my mom.

We all clean on weekends and during the week I clean after the kids go sleep so we have a clean start.
My SIL one day came over and crtitized my "mess", but she doesn't have kids, she works and have a cleaning lady, I don't understand why she would even comment on my style of live? I don't criticize her because she is 40 and no married and no kids, so why she would, ok, moving on.

Your nice have a different style of life, so I understand she doesn't get yours, beside3s she is just a kid and probably her parents put a lot of emphasis to keep the house clean because they work a lot and can't keep it clean.
You can just smile at her and think that she will get it on day, hopefuly she doesn't grow as my SIL.
But you can make her a favor and explain her that she can hurt other people's feelings when point out negative things about them. As her aunt, you can and will move on and still love her, but other people or kids could give her a mean answer.

I'm thinking she probably would not say these things if she hasn't already heard them from someone else. Possibly her mother?

As far as her commenting on your house, I would just tell her it's not polite to talk to adults like that and don't it anymore!

I like B's answer :) You're doing fine.

You've had plenty of answers about how to deal with the child, my comment goes to your own issues about clean houses. My gramma always said, "When you die, no one is going to write on your gravestone, 'She kept a perfect house', but they might put,'She was a wonderful mom.'" So keep doing your best for your family and if the house isn't perfect, so what!