My Overly Passionate Coworkers Are Pushing Me Out and Making Me Miserable

I just commented on your next post. These two posts sound like they are written by two different people. I am retired from a predominately male profession. Men do generally think differently than women. Your team members are in a different time in their lives than you. Of course they don't understand you. They do value different things because they are vastly different than you. They do value good work and are successfully working as a team. Then you join the team. You do not fit. I suggest you won't be able to adjust to this work environment because you are very different than other team members. This is not a good fit! I wish you'd edited this question instead of taking an entirely different approach.

I believe that you can learn while working with this team. Your time there is limited. Sounds like you are internalizing the differences, taking them personally. Know that you are OK even tho you're different. Remind yourself you're learning. Focus on what you can do. Expect to not be accepted. Use humor whenever possible. Flatter them with the humour. Said in a lighthearted way, "of course you can do more! I'll just plug along beside you."

They are friends and talk about more personal things. Just listen or not. Because they do not understand about husband's and babies, talk only about things to which they can relate.

Do not try to defend yourself. They don't understand. When you come across in a defensive manner they will be critical. They know you can't keep up so agree with them. Don't apologize. Just do the best you can do. Act confident until you feel confident. "Fake it 'til you make it." And don't complain to management because that will cause more bad feelings by the team.

If you can approach management to ask what you can do to improve your work, that might help. Go no further if management says you're doing OK. It may be appropriate to mention you don't seem to fit in and ask how you can work better with the team. Don't say anything that implies criticism of the men. It really doesn't matter they are young, unmarried, different than you. Use intellectual words. Don't mention anything personal related to your personal life. Leave emotion out of the conversation. Focus on the work product.

I also suggest you talk with a work related counselor. Consider that there may be a different way to use your work knowledge and skills.

I was able to adjust to my work situation by having counseling. The counselor was an older man and able to help me understand the men and how they think.

I think there are a few little things you can do to help yourself get through the next 5 months.

First, you want to listen to a song, say a prayer, read a poem, develop a mantra - something that you can do each day on your way to work to help yourself put yourself in a "work" state of mind. You want to try and put all thoughts of your family and social life to the side and focus 100% on work. It's not going to work completely, but anything you can do to remind yourself that work time is just for work, will help you to be more focused around these guys.

Second, develop another routine for the end of work. As you're leaving work and heading home, you want some type of ritual to get yourself out of the "work" state of mind and back on the "home/family" frame of mine. You need to develop a way to separate the two so that work is not bugging you when you are at home and thoughts of your family are not interfering with your work.

Third, you need to have a frank talk with your husband. Whether he understand you or not is completely irrelevant. If you need someone to talk to, he needs to listen. He doesn't have to understand you or what you are going through!!! His job isn't to get to tell you why you are wrong to feel the way you do. His job is to sit and listen and rub your back or hand you a drink! My husband used to tell me he didn't understand. He had (and sometimes still does) a tendency to dismiss things he didn't understand. If he couldn't relate to it, it simply didn't exist in his mind. Of course, my husband is a recovering alcoholic, and I'm not. I told him, I don't understand, why can't you just have a beer with me? Of course he looked at me in horror!!! But then I told him that it whether I understand what it's like to be an alcoholic or not is completely irrelevant. The fact is, he can't have a drink. Period. He just can't. So we both need to let go of this idea that we need to fully understand the other person in order to support them. It's not always going to happen. But your husband does need to comfort you and accept you. That really is something he can do.

Look, not every job is going to be a perfect fit. I had a few jobs out of college that we definitely not the right job for me. But you do the best you can. You bide your time until a better options comes along. I had one job out of college where I was absolutely the oddball It sucked! It was a high school teaching job. I finished out the year, went back to school for a Master's Degree and landed an awesome job!!! I fit in beautifully with the staff, had a fabulous boss and had an amazing 4 years. I left that job to be closer to my family (and boyfriend) and took a job that was ok but really not my thing. Several years and two kids later, I found another perfect fit. I am very blessed!

Hang in there for the next few months. Be as dedicated as you can so that you do have a more positive experience and some recommendations for future jobs. And start making a list of the things you have learned about yourself through this experience - what you're good at, the type of people you enjoy working with, etc. This is going to help you find a better fit the next time. If you can reflect, you can go into your next job interview with a critical eye and maybe have a better idea of whether or not that job is even for you.

I wouldn't even call your coworker's type A. They are simply the personality it takes for your field. If you were saying it was Jim or Bill I would say they are probably a type A, but you are saying the whole team sans you! That is you. You do not have the personality type for the field you chose to be in. That isn't going to change.

I am in IT accounting, analytics, forensics, database management, you name it, I do it and I love it! I love the feeling of being deep in a project, seeing the end, clawing my way there, love it! Would never stop in the middle just because I usually go home at 3:00 or 15:00 in the world I happen to practice in. When I was in college I was going for accounting but added the IT degree because I loved forensics. My IT professors begged me to drop the accounting side because so few people have the mind (personality) for IT, even less women do. I agree, I could have named my price if I went into straight up IT but I also love the balancing that accounting has.

Anyway, they said what made me uniquely suited for this discipline is that I will stick with a problem until it is solved. Nothing else matters. It is an internal drive, part of my personality. It isn't type A though I have been accused of being type A, it is this drive that I MUST solve the problem or I cannot relax. You can imagine how much fun I would be to be around if I walked away from an unsolved problem, an unfinished project. My family would run from me.

Passion for something isn't saying you are passionate, it is actually being passionate. That you don't understand why your coworkers work until they are finished shows you are not passionate. Move on, or you will be miserable your whole life. Stick with it for 5 months and find another field.

Ahh yes, Suzanne brought up a point I wanted to make but forgot, you cannot expect anyone to tell you how to do your job. That is part of the job, they tell you the work product they expect, you should know how to get there. If you can't, again, you are not suited for your choice in fields.

I don't know what field you are in that is male dominated but you have to think like a man and act like a woman. By this I mean you have to learn how to compartmentalize your work from your home life. You have to bring your A game on and you have to be on all the time to do the job.

Yes, you feel or think you are doing it great but you have to dig down a bit further and bring it on. Your co-workers are not going to hold your hand and walk you through the job they expect you to know how to do it. Ask one of them to be your mentor and give you pointers even if you are leaving in a few months. Don't tell them when as they might react a bit different towards you.

Do seek counseling for jobs. If you plan on working you will have to do this -- leave home out of the work office. The work environment is going a bit backwards about working moms so you have to do your best. You have to push yourself to know your limits. You have to decide if this field is for you or find one that will work. I know that is a lot more money but you have to find it out now before you are 66 and still no career.

Good luck in your work and your family life.

the other S.

PS With small children you must make sure you have no excuse as to why you couldn't make it in when the deadline was upon you and it is almost midnight to finish the job.

ETA: your co-workers are NOT pushing you out. That's YOUR feelings. If you can't join their Type-A personalities? It's YOUR issue, NOT theirs. What's wrong with being a perfectionist at your job? Do it RIGHT. Then you don't have to do it again.
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Welcome to mamapedia.

I will assume you live in Japan or some other Asian country where dedication to work is paramount to success.

Your life is messed up. That's in a nut shell. You don't want to work, but you don't want to stay home. So I would guess you are 24 to 26 years old and feeling tied down as this wasn't how you expected you live your life or how it would be when you were this young.

I would also suggest that you see your OB/GYN regarding post-pardum depression. Yep. You can still have it for a few years after you have a baby, especially if it goes untreated.

I don't know what you went to university for - what you majored in - but it's obviously NOT your passion. With your other post - you sound like 2 different people - different writing styles, different attitude - did your mood swing that fast?

You need to find out WHAT you WANT to do versus what you NEED to do. You SAY you're passionate - but are despondent about how passionate people are at work - so which is it? You're passionate or you're not?

You need to seek counseling. I STRONGLY suggest counseling. Not just for your mood swings but for career as well. There are tests out there to help you find out what you will do best at. You need guidance and you're not going to get it from your husband. Sorry.

Due to your financial situation? I would NOT leave my job prior to that five months to your move. I would use this time to find out what I can about myself and what makes me passionate in my career. You're already burnt out and you haven't even worked professionally for 5 years yet. that's a HUGE problem!

I wish you luck!

It just sounds like your job is not a good fit for you.
Still, you only have 5 months to go - you're not counting down 30 years to retirement.
You have a light at the end of your tunnel - and it should be enough to get you through it.
You also have an opportunity to get through this and get a good recommendation for your next job where ever you move to even if you aren't looking for one right away.
I know I had stressful moments - you have them at any job - but what you describe as unbearable work environment has made me nostalgic for my old programming job.

Approach management about what exactly? The fact that your co-workers want you to work when you are there? Sweetie I mean this with as much kindness as possible but you simply need to grow up. Life is not easy. There are situations and times when it gets hard and messy. You have to deal with those times. I don't think you are passionate about things, I think you expect it to be your way and when its not DRAMA. Your husband is refusing to fuel the "drama queen" you are creating.

Go in do your job and go home. End of story.

Don't approach management. You are counting down the days. Be glad that you are moving and can leave easily. You will want a good recommendation, or at least not a bad one.

Honestly, you do sound like you could use some counseling and possibly medication. I don't know that you can go back and read your post and see how problematic what you say sounds... you almost sound like you are headed for a nervous breakdown.

I do hope that you don't get pregnant while you are feeling like this. It wouldn't be good for you.

Your husband really just needs an end to your overwhelming job drama. Thankfully he'll get it once you move. If the next job makes you feel the same thing, then you should for sure get counseling. It could be that no matter where you work, you will have these feelings. And that's a real problem that you will need to address.

It sounds to me like you are in an engineering environment. Engineers have their own culture - they are absolutely driven. Your focus is family - not your job. This is the disconnect. They don't care about home or your outside life. They care about the job.
When you are at work, they are paying you to be there and you need to give them 150%. You need to suck it up, do what needs doing at the pace they want, and get used to things not being as they were in academia. Since you are moving in 5 months, you have an end date -- do what needs doing and get out.
Once you move, figure out what you want to do. Staying home is awesome. It's a sacrifice we made and are really glad we did.

I agree with everything Mel R. said, and I also think Wild Woman made some excellent observations. I'm also going to sort of combine my answers to this question and the other one you posted.

First, practicalities. If your financial situation requires you to work, and if you are moving in 5 months, you don't do anything re your current job. You stay in it, make the money you need, and don't approach management. You're leaving. It would be improper to ask management to make changes when you seem to feel that everyone else is happy and passionate about their work and working environment. There's no reason for them to change anything if you are leaving. So, do your job and start to distance yourself emotionally. I would give management a more-than-decent head's-up about your moving plans and a generous window of time in which to replace you. 4-6 weeks would be terrific - they could hire someone and even allow you, if they wish, to train that person in your job responsibilities. That really should be your only approach - as for "how and what to say", you simply write an email to your supervisor informing him that you will be relocating to another city and therefore leaving your job on X date. Say something nice about how you have enjoyed XYZ about the job because you want them to give you a good reference. DO NOT go into your objections or misery because, at this point, it doesn't matter.

Try to see that your co-workers view their colleagues as their "family" - this is what sustains them and it's what they are dedicated to. You have a husband and a child, and they are your top priority. You would be best served to look for a new job in your new location that has an entirely different feel to it, a different office dynamic, and different set of deadlines and a different management style. Perhaps you looked too much at this job in terms of the tasks assigned and the skills required, and less in terms of the dynamics. Going forward, I would work with a career counselor or coach to help you develop some interview questions that help elicit this type of information.

I'm also concerned about your husband's dismissal of your concerns and his blaming you for not wanting to move (which I don't fully understand because you don't like your job), and his labels like "unstable" and "concerning". That is just not healthy marital dialogue. I would suggest that you get into counseling immediately, either alone or together, to start sorting this out. You're stressed out at work, you have a child, and you're about to undergo the stress of a move. Why wouldn't you want a healthy relationship in this mix? I don't know if you would benefit from medical intervention or not, but I do know that it's impossible to live in a situation where one spouse is blaming the other for this/that, where one is struggling and the other doesn't understand. You both need far improved communications skills and the establishment of shared goals/values. Please use this time, as you start to disengage emotionally from your unsatisfying job, to put more effort into your marriage and into determining your personal goals. A counselor can help with some, and perhaps a life/career coach can help with the rest. If you allow them to work together, you could come out of this a much happier person with more direction, better marital communication, and a green light for better job environments in the future. You have 5 months to get this in order - start tomorrow.

Don't "approach management." There would be no point at all since you know you are leaving in what is actually a relatively short time. Right now, five months seems like forever to you since you dislike your job so intensely, but try to be objective about it: Five months is nothing in the larger scheme of things. Instead, treat the next five months of work as if you are acting a role -- and act like you want to be there. You do not want to get fired, as you note, so you need to put on a show, frankly, to get a decent reference. There is nothing wrong with putting on that show, either. Not everyone can love or fit well into every workplace. You have learned a lesson for the next time you look for a job: Find a new field that isn't as intense or dominated by people to whom you can't relate even professionally. And the personal lesson seems to be: Your husband doesnt' want to hear any complaints. That is much more troubling than your workplace issues.

Both you AND your husband could possibly benefit from couples counseling because it sounds as if he might be lacking some empathy for you. But at the same time, you might be so focused on yourself and your job distress that you can't step back and just say, "I'll suck it up for a few months and it's fine," which might be irritating him. You could use perspective and some objectivity; he could use some discussion about how adults should discuss things -- dragging up stuff like "Well, you brought this on us by not wanting to move sooner" isn't fair fighting, frankly, but he may be so frustrated with your job issues that he's not weighing his words. I'd let a couples counselor work with both of you on communication and perspective. Tell your husband that it doesn't mean years of intense therapy -- you might do fine after a few months of counseling.

Bear in mind too that a move is a HUGE stress on any relationship. Job changes and moves are up there with deaths and marriages as major life changes that often can result in strains on relationships. The move may not magically fix everything -- for you or for him. I would really take care not to let the move become some wonderful event on the horizon that will make it all OK again. A counselor could help you, again, keep it in perspective.

If you go back to a full-time job after you move, seriously consider paying to get job counseling and placement help next time you job-hunt.

I don't think they are wrong for expecting you to show the same amount of enthusiasm and dedication to the job as they do, you all get paid to the same thing after all. It does not matter what any of you have or do not have going on in your personal lives, the job is the job and outside stuff should have no bearing on what is expected of you and your job performance.