My Parents Criticize My Daughter's Appearance

I know what you mean. My mom used to do the same thing- pull out a hairbrush and sigh like I was a bad mom, or tell me my daughter looked like an orphan when her pants were pinned in the back to keep them from falling off her tiny waist.

How about overalls? My daughter always looked pretty neat in overalls and if they are too boyish, you can buy pink ones or embroider, etc. on them. They worked for us because they were pretty adjustable length-wise and you don't really have to have them "fit" on the waist.

Pigtails are always cute- even if they are so short the hair sticks out like Pebbles from The Flintstones.

The truth is, I would just tell my mom I was doing the best I could and to hush or she was going to give her a body issue complex! It might take a few times of repeating it, but it's what worked for me!

(This from the mom of a 7 yr old who decided to wear her chef's hat and apron to the "fancy" breakfast place last weekend..... and I didn't stop her!! :)

M.

I think it takes some parents a bit of time to adjust to the concept that they aren't the ones in charge anymore - you're a grownup now and you will be making the parenting decisions.

I'm going to take a wild guess here - by any chance, did your mom stay home with you, or does she think you should be at home? Maybe making little hints that you would be better at this if you weren't working? I used to get that from my MIL.

The only solution I came up with, with her (and it's easier when it's not your own mom) is that I (a) stopped confiding anything personal about any doubts or concerns I have (b) smile and listen politely and continue to do my own thing and (c) I sometimes say, nicely, "no, that really won't work for us."

In this case, I might also give your mom some specific feedback that makes it clear that your decisions are mindful and not accidental and tells her clearly what you want her to do. Something like, "Mom, please don't talk about the way [daughter] looks in front of her. As parents, we want her to value fun and her accomplishments, and we don't want her hung up on looks." But if your mom has given you some nice clothes for her, I would make the effort to meet her halfway by dressing up your daughter in those clothes when you get together.

On the bloomers - I don't have girls, but most of the kids my kids hang out with wear bike shorts or leggings these days if they have something under a dress, not bloomers - unless it's Easter!

WOW! I'm surprised mom's actually say things like that!! My mom is very good about showing respect to my sisters and I as adults and capable parents and she makes a point to follow our lead and let us be the parents. Maybe she bites her tongue more often than I think, but she has never criticized things we do as parents. My mother in law is WAY laid back, so she would never say anything about my boy's appearances. So I haven't dealt with that. But I just want to encourage you that you are doing well from all I can tell. My opinion is let a kid be a kid for heaven's sake!! They don't need to be the little family trophy. If they are dirty from playing and eating that day and the hair didn't stay neat...GREAT, they were fed, played, learned and were active just like a kid ought to be! With the bloomers, I always thought the purpose was to keep the diaper on for the kids who like to take the diaper off themselves. I'm really surprised that there are strong opinions about wearing them for looks. I don't understand why a young child would need to be a fashion statement or worried about being dressed inappropriately as in too revealing by letting the diaper show. This is coming from another who does not wear makeup (glad to hear there are others :) ) and who is pretty laid back about things. But in the end, I think it's important to let a kid be a kid and not push looking perfect on them, but rather prioritizing things like respect and cooperation and exploration. Appearance is way overdone in our society already, don't need to start ingraining that further at age 2. People often mean well, but say things that come across rudely. I still laugh at a comment I got in a store once that my son should be wearing socks when it was 90 degrees that day. Before I could respond, somebody else turned around and said it's actually quite hot outside and she wouldn't want to overheat her baby. Same thing I would have said, but the other lady beat me to it and it was kinda nice coming from someone else. Good luck with dealing with the comments!

I have a 2 yr old boy and 3 1/2 yr old girl and don't get comments from my mom. My mom is very laid back. My mother-in-law is great, but she does make comments when I see her, like, her bangs need to be trimmed, or they need to wear socks, etc. My son is usually too warm to wear socks when it's 60 degrees +. My daughters bangs grow so fast, I try to keep them neat. I know she means well, and my daughter's hair does look so much cute and neater when her bangs are neatly trimmed. I try to keep her in pig tails or at least brush her hair before we go over. When my dauger was still wearing little babydoll dresses I would keep a pair of bloomers on her. I just bought a couple extra plain white, one with eyelet. It does look so much cuter. I agree that it doesnt look right if they are wearing a dress and you can see diapers - looks like they are half dressed. On cleanliness - not many toddlers stay clean for any lenght of time - I would try to leave the house clean and just keep a thing of wipes in my van to quickly wipe their faces and hands before visiting or shopping. So, just buy an extra thing of wipes and keep handy. And, I just make a routine - I actually just brush their teath when they are in the tub - I start their teeth and say, okay, finish them up. I only work part-time, about 4 days a week. I don't always get everything done- I myself, only do lip gloss and mascara. It's hard to dress my daughter as well - I have to buy the next size up and pin it or take a couple of stitches at the waiste band - she is so tall and thin. I don't know how I'd deal with comments on how her clothes fit her - I'd probably say, if you'd like to help me find a taylor and pay for it, then go ahead. Sounds like she means well, but she needs to let some things go. Just let her brush your daughters hair and say, "I appreciate your help." Or, when you first see her, hand her a hair brush, and say, "grandma, can you do the honors, I need to finish getting the diaper bag ready..." Good luck!

Wow--when I read your post, I had to take a double look and say--"did I post something and forget about it?!"

My mom does the same thing with me and both my son and daughter. I also don't wear makeup and often both of my kids go out with messy hair (the are 2 1/2 and 16 mos). My mom's biggest things are socks/shoes and mittens.

What has worked for me is to move 12 hours away....ha ha ha! Only kidding. What has worked is to me sure to dress the kids in the clothes that my mom has bought them when we see her, and also to make more of an effort on hair. For gloves, I just leave it to Grammy--I do what someone else posted--I say--"here's their winter stuff, can you get them dressed while I get the rest of the stuff ready?"

I am sure your mom means well, and I would say you should tell her that it makes you feel bad as a mom to be criticized in that way, but I haven't said that to my mom. It's hard to say stuff like that to your mom! After a while, when your daughter starts dressing herself, your mom will have little to say about it anymore. So no worries--just give your daughter lots of love and don't worry about her clothes!

My girl friends parents critize everything she does with her kids. Her kids are three individuals and do as they please. They complain about how she keeps house etc. She is hard enough on herself and does not need this. I have problems with my mother also. Boundries is the word we are all having trouble with. Your daughter sounds like my son. He messes up his hair. Has dirty clothes and body. If I bath him five minutes later he is dirty. I gave up a long time ago. When he had his picture taken last fall he had bad bedhead. He wanted it retaken. I said no this is who you are. The most important thing about your daughter is how do you think she looks? Tell you parents you love them but it really hurts when they critize you. This may lead to more honest open communication. It did for me. I do not mince words since I had a brain tumor. I get down right nasty with people over stepping their bounds. I have only kept the real people in my life. Exception my mother I cannot change her she will also be a critic. I started calling myself your brat to get even with her. It is funny to watch her get pissed at my brother as well. She says things like I do not know which of you is worse. I think you are a great Mom. Let your daughter be herself. Do ot do like my ex-sister in law you are ugly not pretty like your sister. That young man over there you should go ask him out. My neice is 15 and a straight A athelet (spelling), musical student. She is not interested, but her mom was.

I have always had a harder time keeping my daughter looking nore put together then my boys One simple trick was a short simple hair cut or even a trim usually makes it look neater. A barette or piggy tail gave her hair some style. I have been lucky too that she loves hats so that always covered her hair Don't freak out as long as she is loved,happy and clean life is good. If grams wants to see her dressed different let her go shopping and supply her with new clothes. I did have to at one point say something to my mother because she would say stuff in front of my daughter and I did not want her feeling hurt for just being a kid sometimes people get to wrapped up in the outward stuff.
Just ways keeps some wipes handy and make sure your daughter is happy.

I try my best to make sure my girls have hair brushed, teeth brushed and clean clothes, however sometimes thing slip by in the rush of getting everyone out in the mornings. My girls are 9,5 and 5. One of my 5 yr olds is very much an individual, and some of the clothing combinations she comes up with you would not belive. I figure as long as the clothes are clean and weather appropriate I let her be.

My mother has complained abouth things I do as well, I just listen and let it be.

ignore her. You toddler is not going to end up on jerry springer because she did not have a bloomer on over her diaper. Sometimes moms say things out loud that should be keep to themselves. My sister and I have this conversation about once a month because of my mom. We blame it on menapause. Good luck! D.

I think we can all relate. In my case, it's my granddaughters, not my daughters, and it's my ex-husband's sister, not my mother. I'm my granddaughters' foster mom as well as grandma, and I'm a single "parent", working full time. My ex-sister-in-law is quick to tell me that when HER three kids were young, SHE took all three to the grocery store, to the doctor, for oil changes, to the vet..... and can't understand why I have a hard time managing to be the "supermom" that she thinks she's been. Well, she is a stay at home mom, and always has been. She has a husband in her house as well to help out. AND she was also 15 years younger than I am right now. Working moms - both single and married - need to be given more credit than we are given. We work outside the home (whether it is full time or part time isn't the point), and then when we get home, we start our second job, which is full time. So, to all of those that complain that our kids aren't dressed perfectly, or have messy hair (a biggy with my 3 1/2 year old!!!), or whose living room isn't dust-free, or we're incapable of running errands correctly, or whatever, GIVE US A BREAK. I agree with the writer that said to leave your child with your mother and see how she's faring at the end of the day. (PS - By the way, I've since cut my ties with my ex-sister-in-law.)

If you are close to your mother tell her that her comments hurt you. In the end it doesn't matter if her pants are a little big or if her hair is messy.In the middle of summer my daughter went to the store wearing snow boots, shorts and the winter hat off of one of her teddy bears. We got some looks that day!! What matters is the quality time you spend with your daughter.

Cheryl

Oh gosh I have 3 kids and to get them all ready in the morning and hope that noone gets messy before they leave - it would great. I have a 3 year old and it seems she always into something getting dirty. That is how they learn. Some older generations think kids should always be clean, well it won't happen. I would just let it go and go on with your life.

This is indeed a tough situation to handle. I learned something many years ago that still has merit. When someone makes a comment about me or my kids that hurts, I always smile, try to look interested, and say "Thank you for your insight and I will try to remember that the next time this comes up". Then I walk away and never give it a second thought. Criticism veiled in "I only want what is best for you" is something I always find suspect. You do not owe anyone an explaination for how your daughter is dressed if she is dressed appropriately. You sound like a very caring mom so try to ignore it. PS Bloomers?

Parents will criticize. My mother criticizes a lot about a lot of things. Not so much about my kids but about my weight. Kids will be kids and though you are doing the best you can, it will never be good enough. I say don't go out of your way. Besides who is going to be looking under your daughter's dress. Maybe you need to leave your daughte with her for a full day and at the end of the day you can criticize her and then maybe she will understand how you feel. Much luck!

Depending on your relationship with your mom, if it continues, you could try saying something like "When you make comments like this, it really hurts my feelings. She is happy and healthy and we do the best we can and do what's important to our family." Gosh, moms are supposed to help :) Good luck and I hope she gets over it!

Well, as you know, the problem is not with you or your daughter, it is with your mom. Ignore, is good advice... also telling her you are doing the best you can. You could say that you will just have to agree to disagree on this area of parenting.....which also reminds her that YOU are the parent. If you felt REALLY intimidated and uable to confront her head on, you could make an extra effort, when you see your mom, to "dressup" you daughter. I see the main concern, as others do, that these comments could impact you daugher in a negative way. Under no circumstances can you allow this. She is your first priority and you are there to nurture and protect her.

Well if it were me, I would tell my parents to shut it, plain and simple. But that's something I feel comfortable about. She's your child, not your parents and if you feel they've crossed a line, you should let them know you don't appreciate their criticism. Maybe they don't realize how it makes you feel?