My SIL Kids Are Mean to My Son.

4 is a hard age, they want to be included in everything... and the older kids don't want to include them in anything.... Older kids think it is fun to play with littler kids.... I don't get it either ( I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old and the 4 year old tends to get shunned more then the two year old.

I stopped/limited the visits for awhile with my sister/sil for awhile because of the way kid were being treated, it seemed to do the trick. When they asked if they could get together to play I would explain yes, but you have to include everyone.... Explain that you understand they are bigger and that you understand they want to play by themselves once in awhile, but when kids are together they need to play together.

My husband tend to think I am over reacting also... But they are my family members that we live by and so I have to be careful what I say because they aren't his most favorite sibling anyway

I would buy my child a REALLY COOL present and keep it on hand for the next time the children refuse to let him play a long with them. I would go ask the children if they are going to allow my son to play with them. If they say no, then I would ask them if that is their final answer. If they still say no, then I would give my child the present. When the other children want to play with him and his new toy, I would be quick to remind them that they didn't want to play with him so there is no way they are allowed to now. I would stay firm on the issue for the day. If your sister in law gets upset about it I would simply tell her that it was her childrens rules and play tactics that set the standards. Either they all play together or they don't, but her kids aren't going to get it both ways. This turns the table and allows your child to feel like he is the one on top for once and allows the other children to see that your son will not be mistreated either way. Good luck!!! I would never cause a fight about it, but ALWAYS give your child a leg up when in need.

If you step in, you become part of the pecking order. Then they'll only behave as you want them to when you're around. You don't really want that.

When you see it happen, tell the older kids, "I don't think (son's name) likes this game. Why don't you guys play something else." tell your kid, "If you don't like what they're playing, you need to say 'I don't like it'".

my 3 year old boy has started telling his sister when he doesn't like what they're playing. so, your boy is old enough to do it. Ideally, he should say the words "I don't like it" after you suggest it. Then you can say "See, he doesn't like it. Why don't you guys play something else." They'll prolly say yes, but if they say no, they're out of the conversation. Ignoring them, start giving your son choices so he can pick what he wants to do. does he want to go get a Popsicles, does he want to go play with X toy (that may be here or at home). Give him several choices and let him pick. This teaches him that he gets to choose what he wants to do. It might also re-involve your niece and nephew in a game they can all enjoy.

Teach your son to tell people that he doesn't like the game if he doesn't like it. People can't read his mind, and telling them is the only way to get to play something funner. Teach him that it's ok to play his own game by himself if they're not playing something he wants to play.

Kids really respond to this.

Your niece and nephew aren't mean. Kids are just like that. They're both young enough that they'll respond to the "I don't like it" distraction.

You'll have to enter the pecking order a little bit, but you'll also teach your son to stand up for himself. It also won't offend your sil.

I think it is okay for you to have a nice talk with your SIL. Your husband is wrong. I would sit her down and explain you all have different parenting styles and your son wants so badly to play well with his cousins but they are making it hard. I would explain they are his example of how to handle kids in his peer groups and you would appreciate her helping him learn that you play nicely, include everyone and don't be mean to your friends OR family! If she balks at you then it is time to seriously get your husband on board and maybe consider lessening the playdates. Then explain on the side to your son that his aunt doesn't have the same rules as you do and that it is not nice to play the way his cousins are playing and he is okay to stand up for himself and tell his cousins what he needs from them.
Teaching him now not to let kids run over him is so crucial to prevent bullying in school. He needs to learn too if someone is mean to him that they aren't worth playing with and to walk away.
The next time you see it, intervene, if the kids proceed then take your son out of the situation and you and him find something super fun to play with without them and I bet that catches his cousins attention!
I would never worry about stepping on toes, even with family when it came to what my son was having done to him or if my son was picking up bad behavior examples from someone he really enjoys being around.
Stand up for your son! He needs to learn to be around people that make him happy and feel good inside, that sets him up for a life in school of not letting kids push him around and picking the right friends.

While being by cousins is great, maybe you should spend a little less time with them for awhile. When children don't get along- or you feel like yours is being left out, it can definitely put a strain on the adult relationship too. You'll always be related to your in laws and you don't need hard feelings to arise. Also, maybe your son needs other 4 year olds to play with. I had a neighbor I used to hang with and her daughter was downright mean to my son. When I look back I regret letting them play because I thought what was I teaching my son? I didn't want him to think it was ok for people to treat him that way. So when I finally stepped back I was glad. I'm not saying don't do anything at all with your neice and nephew, but maybe be with them less often for now and maybe they'll grow out of it if it's just a phase. With children most things are temporary.

For me I treat family, like I would their friends. If they aren't playing nice and you are at your house, then send them home. It is your house, your rules. If they don't like it they can leave. If you are at their house, then, as hard as it can be, get up and leave. If they don't want to play with your kid, then why stay. State the rules clearly. "If you don't want to play with (your kids name) than we will need to play so he can play with someone else" or at your house "If you can't play nice, then you will have to go home" Who cares if their mother is with them. If it is your house, you have that right to step in and discipline. We have done this with friends and family alike. It only takes once. When they come back the second time, I remind them that you play nice at your house or they don't play at all. Give them one warning and then your done. Don't put up with it. Pecking order is for those who don't discipline. I have four kids, and yes my oldest can be mean, but I don't put up with it and she has had time out and talking to about her behavior. It isn't a one time thing, it is a continual thing. Unfortunately it never ends. Good luck and be strong.

I think the kids are experimenting with power play. Your son is still younger than they are, and they are making the distinction.

I'm going to suggest the Little Red Hen method:Have all three work on something under your supervision, and anyone who doesn't contribute to the teamwork doesn't get the reward, including forcing others out.

Your 4 year old is still too young to have all his interpersonal skills developed, so these will be the times that he is developing them.

My daughter was 4 and her cousins were 5 and 10 and this happened frequently, on a less-blatant scale, and a year later, my son (3) is the one left out. It's about the rapidly developing way that children learn to work with others.

It is good that he is getting some time with older kids: three 4 year olds aren't going to play together as well as the age range.

Since the other two kids Mom is not willing to get involved, then I would start the day off on the right foot. Tell both kids, preferably in front of Mom that when they play at YOUR house they need to include your kid. In your house its ok to establish the rules. It will make playtime much better, and its what most kids (that go to school anyway) are used to. Kids in groups of 3's will gang up & leave one out if you don't intervene.
You could also give the older one something to do that only "bigger" kids get to do...like maybe a video game. That would leave the 2 younger ones to play, and chances are pretty good that you wont have a problem at all.

Please, do not subject your son to this cruel behavior. Your husband doesn't want to make waves, and your SIL doesn't have a backbone. Put your foot down and gently tell her what is obvious, that her children aren't nice to your son, so you are not going to subject him to that anymore.

Everyone will be mad at you, mother bear. Get used to it, because your son's well-being is more important that their feelings. He is about old enough to hear that his cousins are not being raised properly, that it's no reflection on him, and he should just avoid them in social settings.

Don't doubt yourself. This is cruel behavior.

Bullying can start young. When you are at your SIL's house, you don't make the rules but at your house you are in charge. If she does not discipline her children at your home, you have the right to do so (within reason, of course). Every child will have to learn to get along to some extent but kids do not deserve to be bullied. Make sure they all know what your house rules are (everyone gets to play, take turns, treat each other nicely, play fair, certain words we do not use at our house, etc.) then enforce those rules. If SIL is right there and something comes us you could say, "Do you want to take care of that or should I?" If you son is singled out at SIL's house, maybe it would be better not to spend as much time there. He does need to learn to stand up for himself, however, and you need to be sure you are not being overly protective of him to where he can't take care of himself.

S.
Our family is huge and we have to deal with kids and cousins and stuff like that ALL the time. I am a firm believer that a child that gets away with treating others like that is going to end up mean his or her entire life. This is their LEARNING STAGE. If being mean doesn't get reprimanded, they learn that it's ok to be mean. A high school kid just kneed another high school kid in the ribs the other day ON PURPOSE while playing football. My son seen it happen. It broke 3 of the kids ribs and ruptured his kidneys. The kid that done it swore that he simply slipped on the wet grass. The doctor says there's no way that it could have caused that much damage if it had simply been a slip--what happened? The kid got away with it- no suspension, no citation, nothing! He's still going to school while the kid that got hurt is at home for the next 6 weeks. I believe this kid that hurt the other never had any discipline either...what do you think he will be like when he is a legal adult? It's scary!!
Anyway, I suggest that if you are at your house and the children are mean--ask the mother to do something about it, then discipline them yourself if the mother won't. If you are at their house, same thing and again, if the mother does nothing then you SHOULD. If their mother gets upset, tell her about this other kid if you like, explain to her that you love her kids as well as your own, and that you don't want to see them turn out like this. And if all else fails, LEAVE. You do NOT have to put up with that and no one else should have to either.

kids will be kids, but if you want it to be different try including yourself in having fun with them. come up with a game or activity that will help them enjoy each other. sometimes kids need an adult to make things funner and better

Find some friends that are closer to his age for him to play with.

I know exactly how you feel. It is soo hard to sit back and watch while someone within your family is mean to your child. My family does not spend a lot of time with my husband's family because of this type of problem. His mother and sister are horrible to me, but I never realized that this problem could extend to the kids. My SIL has two kids (6 & 3), and I have two (7 & 5). Each time we visit with them, her kids are disruptive, they misbehave, and even when they do something really wrong, grandma and mom think they can do no wrong. This was horribly escalated on this last visit, when at one point the 6 year old tried to push my son out the window of a moving nature tram, and grandma just played it off as kids will be kids!!! Seeing that she got away with it, she tried to push her sister out the window because she thinks she shouldnt have to share! When this happened, my husband picked her up and sat her down hard on the bench and would not let her up until the ride was over. She pitched a fit, cried, screamed, grandma tried to intervine, but for once, my husband put her in her place, and ultimatly the child discovered (for a short time) discipline! Even worse, my kids saw that she was getting away with this sort of behavior, and started trying to behave that way as well.

I would sit down and (if you can) talk with your SIL. If having a conversation about how her kids are treating yours (and you have the right to say that their behavior is wrong) doesnt help the situation, then stay away. When she asks why you are staying away, tell her. Simple honesty may help her understand things from your perspective.

Wow. Family dynamics are hard. It is NOT okay for your son to feel left out. Here are a few ideas: bring or have special toys for your son, which he can share. Tell your husband that he turned out fine, but it is not okay for your little boy, and you won't be flexible on this. Tell your SIL that you love getting together but the family will have to work together so the kids play nicely. This might mean shorter play perids, letting the SIL intevene, and if she doesn't, you can. Directed to the children, "Wow-that will hurt his feelings. What can you do differently so everyone can have fun?" And begin the visits telling the kids, "When we play together as a family, everyone gets to play. If you're not including everyone, you'll have to stop playing and go sit with your mom."

We have a physically mean cousin, and since I'm the one who objects to his behavior, I'm the one elected to referee, so to speak. Stay near your son, and help the children learn to play nicely. Or quit getting together--eek.

I know that it's hard to see your son being left out but please keep in mind that all kids, esp. from 5 up, need to have more "big kid" play sometimes and sometimes it's out of just asserting that they can. Even my 5 year old niece gets sick if playing with her 2 1/2 year old brother or my 20 month old son and just wants to be able to play with "big girl" things that they can't. I don't take this personally, I just ask my niece if she needs some "big girl time" and if she says yes then I tell her "Okay, why don't you play over there and I'll keep the boys over here until you're ready to join them again."

If you handle it by keeping in mind the needs of all the children then not only are no feelings hurt but you will create a closer relationship with your niece and nephew and even your SIL. I'm sure that she will appreciate your putting so much thought into what her kids need and she might even become more sensitive to you and your sons needs as well.

I never had a very good relationship with my own sister until I started doing this and she saw how thoughtful I was of her kids. It's worth a try.

Hi S.,
I read some of the other responses and fully agree that when kids are being blatantly mean, as your niece and nephew are, then you need to intervene in your sons behave. Yes they have to learn to stand up for themselves and yes there is a pecking order but when you are 4 and you are dealing with older kids it isn't a pecking order it is bullying and as a parent of a 4 year old you are there to protect your sons physical and emotional well being. If it were just up to kids to figure it out on their own why would they need parents? Obviously kids need training in this and I don't care where I am if some one is harassing my kids I bring my kids out of the situation, ask if they want me to intervene or if they want to handle it themselves and I give recommendations on how to handle the situation so they learn!

Your niece and nephew would nicely but firmly hear from me that writing signs specifically leaving another kid out is not ok, if they want some big kid time fine but to do it nicely and ask if they can have some time without the little kids. Bringing activities for your son to do on his own is great but let the bigger kids know that some time should be spent with the younger kids. Perhaps they could be teachers or guides in a pretend rain forest that the younger kids would love to follow along in and the older kids are the knowledgeable ones, giving them a sense of importance while the younger kids are having fun also.

I do believe in keeping the communication open with family, if you don't things like this fester and become bigger problems in the long run. Let you sil know how you feel, point it out when it happens so she sees a specific incident and can't deny what is happening and let her know that you will nicely step in with her kids also if she doesn't want to, that gives her a choice also.

Generally if you deal with all of this quickly it doesn't escalate and all the kids learn better ways of compromising, acknowledging each others space and finding ways to work together. Just leaving it the kids to figure out on their own at this age is just taking the easy way out as a parent. We hopefully have good information for our kids to learn from so they don't always have to start from square one figuring out and perhaps learning really bad habits because no one in the situation wanted to rock the boat and be a parent.

Good luck, have fun and always let your 4 year old know he can stand up for himself, walk away no matter what other kids say, and at 4 that it is still ok to go to mom and dad.
S. M

It's tougher when it's family, especially in-laws since they're not your family directly. We had a similar situation with friends a few years back. We hated it, but we actually taught our son to fight back a bit. He was a bit of a push over, so it was good for him. We just choose to only see them without the kids. Sometimes, when it's family, you just have to draw lines for yourself. Find other friends and not encourage the cousins to hang out. My mom did that for me as a kid, and now my cousins and I are okay friends. I think closer than if we had had the conflict as kids. It's hard when you're the one drawing the tighter line. It won't be well accepted. I hope you find a good solution. I see you've been given lots of thoughts. Hope this isn't one too many. :)

Unfortunately not everyone has the same view of every situation in regards to their children. She sees it from her child's perspective and you see it from yours. She does not desire to see that her child could be purposefully doing anything that would be causing harm or hurt to another child--The "halo effect. We all do it. We will believe our child over another child, we will even believe our child over an adult--even if our child is telling a lie.

The reality is they are leaving him out because he gets upset, and mad, and runs to mommy. If he just went and found something else to do they would lose interest in doing it. And he would figure out he doesn't have to have their acceptance and attention to have fun. So the best way to deal with him is to redirect him to doing something else that distracts him and leaves them out--bring something with you that you know he LOVES to do but rarely gets to do at home.

The best way to approach her--maybe just start having the play dates at your house where you can control the rules. They are not your kids so you can not change their rules, but at your house its your house rules and maybe the rule is "we play supervised activities since my son is only 4" until they learn to treat him better. You may not ever make her change her mind in how she views the situation, but you can change the dynamic of the situation by how you handle it, how your react to it, and where it takes place.

I agree that your SIL should have said something to her kids. However, your husband is correct in the pecking order. We also live near our inlaws and my youngest daughter loved playing with her cousins and then I noticed she was bossing around thier youngest, and now he is bossy and mean to my other BIL daughter. Unfortunalety it is just a trickle down affect. I think that all parents involved need to address the issue, but it probably won't change. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it unless it gets physical.

I strongly believe as a mother it is your duty to stand up for your four year old son who is being shunned. I advise you to speak your mind to your sister and to the children. It's not right what they're doing and it's up to you take a stand for him. This same situation happened to my four year old. He said, mommy, no one is playing with me at school. After the third time he told me this I went down to the school and spoke to his teacher, to the director and put a stop to it. He was being shunned and when you see this, you do something about it. I completely disagree with your husband's point of view, yes boys will be boys and kids will be kids but there's a difference between that and just being mean and cruel. Speak up Mom and you will be glad that you did!!!

On some level your husband is right but that doesn't make it ok, if it was my son and I saw it and told the kids to stop and it didn't I would leave with my child, and let the other kids know that when they are ready to play nice they can come over to my house to play, this way I had more control over the situation. And I would sit down w/ SIL and tell her that it makes you and your son uncomfortable when there is blantant meaness going on, and to me thats what that was. Kids do have a pecking order and it is usually age based but when it is outright mean I step in, otherwise I try to let them work it out on their own. But also talk to your son about it, he is going to run into situations like this in the future so know is the time to give him some tools on how to deal with it. Good luck!

My children are about the same ages as yours. I have a little boy who will be 4 in 2 weeks and a little girl that is 20 months old. If it were my little boy, I would be upset and so would my husband - so I empathise with you! What I imagine I would do is walk up to your neice and nephew and say, "if you can't play nice with (your son's name), then we will have to leave. It is not nice to (insert inappropriate action here). He loves you and wants to play with you and I would not let him treat you that way." If they don't change their behavior, then you have to leave. They need to learn that they can't treat him or others that way and get away with it. I believe that there is no room for bullies in the family. It is not our business to tell others how to raise their children, but it is our business how other children treat our children. I could not stand by and allow someone else to make my child feel inadequite or unimportant and risk that that would be his self image for the rest of his life! I take things like that very seriously. I hope that this helps you!

S.

I would find some other friends for your son. Once the kids realize that they are not the most important people in your sons life, they might start treating him as an equal. Nobody wants anyone until someone else wants that person. Once the cousins see that he is enjoying himself with others, they might be more apt to play with him.

Unfortunately, you can't do anything about it. First, kids will be kids. Your son may be too young to do things that her kids want to do. Second, they're HER kids, not yours. You have no right to cross that boundary and tell her kids what to do. If you're the only adult present, that would be one thing...but she's right there. If she doesn't think it's a big deal, you cannot force it on her or her kids, and shame on you for trying. You're allowed to express your feelings, that's fine and perfectly reasonable, but not to control other people's behavior. The only thing you have a right to control is YOUR behavior. If you don't like the way her kids treat yours...don't spend so much time there. Or try to present them with games they can play together...but you can't force them to play if they don't want to... At your home, you can set some ground rules, and if they're being MEAN (hitting, shoving, kicking...) send them home. But it doesn't sound like they're being physically mean, they're just ignoring your son. If they were your kids, it would be a different matter completely, but they're not.

I have found that when I get involved with my kids by being too protective a lot of times it backfires and the kids are even more trouble. I guess I would talk to the mother of these kids and have her watch them from a distance, then point out my frustration. Maybe her kids are having some problems in their own lives and are acting out. You could suggest to your child that he not play with these children, then if he does there really isn't anything you can do about it. I have also pointed out to my kids that if someone else's behavior is bothering them I hope they won't treat others that way because they know how it makes them feel. When you start having problems with relatives it gets kind of touchy. Good luck P.

O.k., I hope you don't think I'm a mean person, but here goes.
I had a similar situation where a friend insisted on our kids having a play date once a week. Her son was a biter and a hitter. No matter what I tried to do, she didn't discipline her son, and I found it really difficult to protect mine the entire time. One day my son got sick of it and fought back, drawing blood! She was angry and repeated several times that her son was bleeding. I responded with a non-chalant attitude. Afterwards, she started paying more attention to what was happening with the kids, and her son was less apt to hit & bite once he knew mine would fight back.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that kids seem to find a way to solve the problem themselves. But, I would suggest maybe inviting another friend over exclusively to play with your son. When your SIL's kids exclude him, let him do a fun activity with his friend and exclude the others. Choose something that will only have enough supplies for the two of them. When your SIL's kids want to do it, too, you might say something like "Oh, I thought you wanted to play on your own without him, like you usually do, so we had ______ come over to play with him. I don't have enough for all of you to do it. Sorry." Maybe this will help them learn how it feels to be excluded!
Good Luck!