My son is 2 and an only child. He spent this last year in daycare and is a very independent child. he got in trouble once at daycare for hitting but was disciplined immediately. He is loud and opinionated as well. He is also very loving! However, when he is around his 3 year old cousin (whom is a girl) he can get a little bit rambunctious! He likes to scream, run, chase. He has a tendency to jump at and sometimes get a little bit aggressive with his cousin. He will push and slap at her. The only other time I have notice him do it with other kids are if they are arguing over who was playing/sharing something or in response to someone doing the same to him.
I always tell him not to be mean and I always tell him to play nice when it happens. (note...this also includes him being removed from the situation, sometimes a timeout or even a spanking...by NO means is he just allowed to do it). There are times when I am not in the room when it happens. I have even told him that one of these days she will get tired of it and do it back to him...so to play nice and share!
My niece stays at home every day with her mother and is not around a lot of other children, especially boys. Further, she is truly a little mommy and tries to be so with my son. She tells him no or even takes things away from him. He does not like it! I believe he is using his actions because he does not have the words to tell her to leave him alone, to share or that he is not happy. I have tried to explain that to my sister-in-law...however she does not seem to hear me! or agree for that matter!
Needless to say my sister in law is now angry. Today she got very upset about it and told me her daughter should not have to defend herself at 3 years old. I told her that I had disciplined my son (in front of her as well) and that he was only 2. She then told me that when her daughter was 2 that she did not hit because she knew better. This bothered me.
Am I doing something wrong? Do I have a right to take offense to this statement? I do not believe my son is the only one at fault. I do not agree that he should be aggressive; however, at what point is her being bossy and not sharing with a younger child acceptable? I honestly believe I have done a good job with my son and have been disciplining him correctly. Is there a difference between 2 year old boys and 2 year old girls? Should I just leave this alone and keep my son away from being around his cousin for now?
I would first like to thank everyone for their responses.
I stayed up last night thinking about this situation quite a bit! I thought about our discipline. I thought about my reaction. I thought about what could have been done differently (on my part and my SIL). I also thought about the responses I read on here (it is interesting to see how some people read things and interpret them).
First I would like to note that we do not spank for aggressive actions. Further, we do not spank often. Spanking (more like a swat on a diapered hiney) are reserved for very rare incidents. However, we do believe there is a time and place for them. But spanking is a whole other issue!
I sent an email to my SIL. My husband and I will be working with our son on being more sensitive...especially to others. We are going to work on his communicating his frustrations too. I let my SIL know this. I told her I loved her and that I loved her daughter. I told her I am sure my son will do these things again; however, I will immediately take care of it and remove him from the situation...if that means having to leave, we will.
Again, thank you to the responses.
Yes, boys & girls are different. When my daughter was being taunted by a boy at school, I told her to slap him, but she refused. I would tell my son, in his cousin's & aunt's presence, that it would serve him right if she decked him.
I would also make the point that boys are never never never allowed to hit girls! Good luck!
At that age they all hit. They are still learning their boundaries at that age. Maybe by 3 they know not to hit anymore, but 2 is still learning. Her daughter may not have hit because she was never around anyone that hit her, but your son who is around other children has picked it up. Mostly all kids do. Don't beat yourself up for it and just go about your normal disciplining of him when he does it. He will eventually learn. In then mean time, just make sure you watch the kids closely when they are playing together as to not let your son get too wound up. Plus to your defense, boys are always a little rougher than girls and they don't understand at 2. Some boys don't even learn by the time they are adults and beat their girlfriends/spouses. At 2, I wouldn't worry about it yet.
It sounds like the bad behavior is definitely coming from both sides. You are doing what you can to correct your child, she needs to to step in and start correcting hers or I fear the bad behavior on your sons part my continue. If she can not see that both children need correcting than perhaps a time out from each other is what is needed.
When I had my dghtr I met 2 other SAHM's that had kids about the same as mine. One of the little girls was 5 months older than my son (so they were 15 mths & 20 mths). I noticed she had targeted my son for some reason. She would walk right up to him & slap him or throw something or scratch him. The 1st time it happened I just thought she was having a bad day. But then I noticed it was happening every time we got together, which was about 3 times a week (desperate for adult interaction). I started keeping my son right next to me at all times & she would literally come up to hit him for no reason. The mom was very sorry every time but I got to the point were I felt like I was putting my needs before my sons & not protecting him enough. She would just tell her dghtr that it wasn't kind to hit, but that was it. I on the other hand felt that she should reprimand her with a much firmer voice followed up with a time out. Although I couldn't tell her how to parent I could stay away till she got things under control. Now they are 6 so we got past it.
The gender has nothing to do with it. My girls are way more aggressive than my boy who couldn't hurt a fly & he is very kind & thoughtful. All kids are different even if they are siblings some are more aggressive, independent, loving, little mommies, etc. And SIL is right her dghtr should not have to learn to defend herself , it's up to you to learn how to better discipline your child. And yes my kids knew at the age of 2 not to hit or there were consequences.
Perhaps you can call your SIL & ask to have a play date with the whole purpose of watching the dynamics between the kids. Before you get together have a talk with him & let him know that if he hurts her that he will be in a timeout or however else you discipline him. Let your SIL know that this is a problem that you intend on fixing & not making excuses for & you welcome any suggestions.
I had similar issues when my children were younger/issues with their cousins.
I couldn't take them to my sister's knowing they were going to be beaten up. So instead of taking them away entirely, I planned our visits. I was with them and organizing activities/appropriate play the whole time. We could go to a playground where other children were and they played ok so we did that too.
Eventually things got better and now they are 7 and rarely fight.
The sex/gender doesn't matter, no child should be being beat up and terrorized by another... which is what's happening. Even the age is fairly irrelevant, because by 2... unless there's a developmental disorder like autism in play ALL kids can control themselves the *majority* of the time, unless they've never been taught to. ((LOL... Of course, all toddlers also lose control, but you're talking that this is the normal state of affairs, not an occasional thing, or when he's tired/ hungry/ etc... but just how he is the entire time)).
Your son is hitting/slapping, pushing, and screaming at her. TOTALLY unacceptable.
Each time one of those things happens the child needs to be REMOVED from the situation, spoken to, and disciplined (I personally use timeout) OR taken home immediately. All with profuse apologies to the child who has been attacked.
Imagine another child doing the same things to your child. If their parent just said to play nice, and they kept attacking your child... would you put up with it? Sure... use my child as a punching bag. Let him break down into tears, over and over again. Let him learn that no one will stand up for him, and that other children have no consequences.... because he's not worth protecting as much as a piece of furniture would be. ((AKA... if a child was hitting a mirror or a vase or the stove... would you blame the stove, or make him stop?))
It doesn't matter how loving he is, or how he behaves with other children... he has learned that he can attack THIS little girl with no consequences that matter to him, so he does, and will continue to.
Would you allow your child to constantly be being hurt and scared by another child whose parent did NOTHING to stop it?
I hope not.
I realize it's embarassing when it's your child in the wrong... but that's one of OUR hard lessons... how to not minimize, and how to deal fairly with what is actually happening.
In this case, it means stopping these behaviors cold.
I think kids behave differently because of both gender and personality. I have a son and a daughter and my son is much more aggressive. He is 4 and still has occasional problems with hitting (mostly his sister). I put him in time out but it doesn't always resolve the situation. If you see a time that your niece is being bossy or playing in a way your son dislikes then show or tell him how to handle the situation better (for example saying "I don't like that" or "Let's play something else" or even just walking away).
If her daughter is being pushy and doing things that he does not want her to do and he does not have the verbal capacity to tell her exactly how he feels I can totally see how he would turn to pushing or hitting. Teach him the words to tell her to stop and intervene before it turns into anything physical. To me it sounds like your SIL is only seeing things from her daughters perspective.
You and your SIL need to provide activities where your son can run, jump and "be a boy" without getting into trouble. Now that it is summer, outside time with water guns, a pool, running in the sprinklers would be good activities that they both could do together. Your son will be able to get his energy out in a good way without all of the reprimands.
Their are two things going on here. Their is an age difference. Kids at 2 play differently than at 3 years. Most 2 year olds are still into solitary play or parallel play. At around 3, most kids tend to play better together. Their is also a gender difference. Boys play differently and react differently than girls. Boys in general are more aggressive than girls. In a year, most of these issues will not be that big of a deal because your son will have more control over his actions and he will have the ability to express himself more than what he can at 2.
Good Luck to you and your SIL.
Well obviously boys should not get prefferential treatment, but I don't really think that was your point was it?! I do agree witth you that boys are much more phsycial than girls and it can be interpreted as aggression when i don't really think that's it exactly. And yes, there is a difference between 2 year old boys and 2 year old girls!
To me, it sounds like your assessment of the situation is right on. I would try and talk with your son about ways he can tell his cousin that he doesn't want to play her game (ie her mothering him) and move away from the situation. Also, if he does hit her or whatever, make sure you are disciplining him right away and that her mother sees it. If she sees that you are handling the situation then maybe she'll be less judgemental. Also, watch the kids play and if you notice that she's trying to mother him then gently step in before it gets out of hand and tell her, ya know he doesn't really like that, maybe you could play a different game or you could just let him play by himself for awhile.
I would be offended by her statements too, but that isn't going to solve your problem. Try to play nice and make a public effort to deal with their situation. In the end, I truly think you're both right, no one wants their kid to be hurt or on the defensive, everyone wants their kid to play nice and get along and I think it can work itself out. Just keep watch of the kids a bit more closely for the next few times and maybe encourage your SIL to be there and watch too so she can see how it all breaks down.
these are tiny people. you and your SIL are expecting an awful lot of them. this is how 2 and 3 year olds communicate and interact because they don't know any better. it's nothing to do with anyone's parenting, and it's useless to expect 'em to know what's 'acceptable.' remove the aggressive child (it seems they're taking turns being the monster) immediately. explanations, timeouts and spankings (!!) are not going to make sense to these littles. but if they are whisked away from a fun time? that they understand. stop bickering about who's a better mom and angsting over who's got the worse kid. tiny people learn to be civilized from simple prompt actions and from modeling. you and your SIL can improve on both aspects.
khairete
S.
I know you've already read through these and come up with a plan of action, but I still wanted to pass on this book suggestion. I've got a little boy and have been reading through Dr. Dobson's "Bringing up Boys". So far it's been really excellent and spends quite a bit of time talking about the differences between boys and girls at all ages. It's given me a lot of insight into my little man. I hope you and your SIL can work things out quickly!
Whenever my daughter acts out in a completely inappropriate way (hitting, shoving, biting, anything that hurts someone else) she immediately goes into time out. I don't know what daycare your son attends, but hitting, shoving, kicking and biting triggers the exact same discipline at our daycare ever since my daughter was a year old.
I don't think there should be a difference in this between boys and girls and I don't see any daycare teachers making exceptions for the boys' bad behaviors in my daughter's class. This is not a disciplinarian type of institution, the opposite, a very loving setting, but let me tell you: even the youngest kids (18 months to 3 years) know what behaviors are acceptable. It is very sweet to see how all the kids know what's right and wrong and help correcting younger ones and kids who have just started. So I don't think your son is too young to learn whats right and what's not.
Maybe if you feel that they are not a good match to play together, or if you feel like you don't think his behavior needs to be disciplined stay away from your SIL and her daughter.
I think even though toddlers that age will test their boundaries and occasionally hit or shove another child, they are old enough to learn that that is not acceptable.
Good luck!
I am not turning this into a debate about spanking v. not spanking but to hit a child because he in turn hits seems silly to me. Son, you can't hit your cousin that is bad. Do it again and you will get spanked? Makes no sense. And not all children hit. My 3 year old does not hit and never has because hitting is a learned behavior. I think both you and your SIL need to remove your children from each other when either child starts what you feel is an offending behavior. If that means that they don't play together until they can play nicely, then so be it.
