My Son Doesn't Try in School....

My fiancé has a 7 year-old son that spends half the time with us. (He loves sports and reading too!) The first is “How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk” by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish – I can’t tell you how it’s helped in so many unexpected ways. The second is “Mindsets” by C. Dweck – It’s a very simple, but powerful thought process that I've been able to apply to my entire life and there is a chapter dedicated toward children. Considering he's almost 12 I would start with "Mindsets". It's a quick and easy read.

Talking to a 12 year old kid about why school is important "down the road" is rather abstract. They cannot comprehend such long term ideas. Even a 15 year old has a tough time grasping that, so I would lay low on that tactic until he's a bit older. The ability to forecast and see future consequences doesn't develop in the brain for a while.

Has this been a recent thing? Is he at a new middle school with grades 6, 7, and 8? Some kids find the transition difficult and react by not doing the work. I would try talking to him about whether or not he feels good when he gets poor grades, let him try to sort through what's going on, and see if he can make the decision on his own to start working again.

I can tell you, as a teacher, motivation has to come within. Taking away privileges only works to a certain extent. You have to get down to his level and help him sort things out, guide his decision making, but make sure he understands he is responsible for his actions and let him know what the real consequences are: poor grades. While *you* know that can lead to other things, he has to figure out how poor grades affect him. Does it make him angry? Sad? Is he angry with the teachers? A new school? Is he influenced by friends? Kids are easily, easily distracted because they don't have too much impulse or emotional control yet.

Once he starts owning his work, help him set some small goals he can work towards and feel good about. It is completely unreasonable to expect him to turn around 100% right away. Set a goal of turning in all homework for 3 days a week, then 4 days, then 5. Then let him know he's okay if he has a setback. Make him put pressure on himself and take ownership!

My 13 year old daughter went through the same thing. She just wasn't motivated and taking away privileges didn't help. I would even sit next to her and force her to do her homework which would drag on for hours for a 10 min assignment. At one point she even seemed depressed. She is a bright girl has great friends and even skipped a grade. It turned out she was miserable with her teachers and generally felt like doing her work didn't matter. Unfortunately, we had to send her to a different school (which was in a different county). The change was instant! It was like night and day! She is excited again at school, feels encouraged and supported by her teachers,is proud and eager of her work, and is back to her old self after 2 years. Changing schools sounds extreme and was(and we really didn't think it would make a difference and was a last resort) but I can honestly say it was the best decision I ever made! Her enthusiasm has carried into her home life also. She is helpful and responsible at home, even taking on volunteer work on her own! by feeding the homeless every Friday at a local church. We just sold our home to be closer to her school and sacrificing a home I love was absolutely worth my daughter's well being and an over all happiness for the whole family!

Have you tried using solo time with you or dad as a reward for good school progress? Sounds like a busy family and maybe your son misses getting all the attention. Also puberty is starting to happen so he may have a lot of new feelings to sort out.

I'd like to offer to possibilities to you...
Give him the task of assisting a younger sibling. Maybe he needs to feel needed. Sometimes being the oldest you get left out when it comes to "who comes first". Especially when there's a newborn in the house - everyones a bit crazy whether it's the 1st or the 5th time!
#2 - I'd encourage you to get the book "Creative Correction" by Lisa Whelchel (from Facts of Life). She has wonderful ways of curbing, correcting and encouraging children.

Hi J.:
I am reading a book called "Powering Underachievers" by Peter A Spevak, and Maryann Karinch.
It explains four different types of underachievers.
1.Distant underachiever
2.Passive underachiever
3.Dependent underachiever
4.Defiant underachiever

From a little test, my son leans toward Dependent Underachiever. It explains how their behavior is connected to how we interact with them. There's a section where it gives you suggestions on what areas to work on such as:Self-Esteem, Maturation, Relationships, Self-Awareness, and Creativity.

Also, I read somewhere else where it says that during puberty, it's very important that a parent stays at home more so than when they are toddlers because of the changes they are experiencing. It's also very important that at a young age, there's a strong bond between son and father, daughter and mother, because of how hard puberty may be to them.

I agree with one mom where he can help his younger siblings. He may need that attention (another mother suggested, a one on one relationship, another good idea)

He could have a learning disability and is frustrated and knowing that there's a lot of activities around the home, he may feel not worthy of troubling you (parents) and he can get discouraged.

Sometimes, one parent has to lower activities to adjust to everyone in the family's happiness.

Also what Ed'N Anita L mentioned where they have to own their work, well that part was in the book mentioned above, "Empowering Underachievers". It said that I have to stop doing his things and let him be responsible for his actions. Please read. This book is from the Fresno County Library. So you can find it online and request it. Ask for a password to use the internet to request books from the library.

You've got so many choices now, from other mothers as well, I mean. What do you want to do? Have him tested for a disability? Read books first? Some books are on CD's and cassette tapes (book on CD/tape). I use those a lot since I don't make time most times to things that I tend to leave aside.

Good luck!
Please e-mail me for any questions, or just remarks on any advice, ____@____.com

PS: There's another book that says that rewarding is like a punishment because kids will only do what's needed, and they won't want to try to excel any higher.

He may never be the most academic of your children.

I found that none of my kids' school performance has changed much since preschool. In preschool, my oldest (a boy)did what he wanted when he wanted, happy and calm in school but if he didn't feel like participating nothing could make him, and through high school he put in the minimum effort and got only okay grades. My youngest, however, (also a boy) always sat up front, glued to every word the teacher said and was the most attentive of any child in his class.

Now my oldest son is in college, and his first semester grades were not very promising; whereas my youngest son is in 8th grade and gets straight A+'s. I had very little to do with any of it.
I would say in hindsight that the family discord caused by battling with my oldest son over his schoolwork was not worth it, and like I say, he never changed.

However, I have found bribery of any kind to be somewhat effective, though often it has to be pretty immediate. Waiting for their report card to make money is a little too far in the future for some kids.

Overall, don't make your life miserable over it. Your kid is going to have to make his own way in life. Just keep reiterating your expectations and bribe if possible.
p.s.- He loves to read and do sports!!!!!!!!! Those are great things and unusual for many other kids. Those two things alone will take him a long way.

This might sound like bribing and it might be! I pay my children for their grades. We get paid for doing a good job why not the children. My children always want money to spend on toys and games. The rule is they cannot buy candy but other than that it's theirs. I have also taught them to budget and save. 10% tithing, 20% short term savings (Legos, computer game), 20% long term savings (college) and 50% fun money. I have also started an investment jar but that is very slow. I have found that this works great! My children don't get much but this is how I pay. 100% 1.00, A's .50, B's .25, C's nothing, D's I get paid .25, F's $1.00. It's has worked great! Report cards are different too. That is bonus time but it is about the same but with more money. A's $5.00, B's $2.50 C's nothing and then D and F's they pay me! I help them by having a snack and pencils ready for them after school. I have also put my children in piano (They really wanted to do it) and it has been great working both sides of the brain and it has taught them responsibility.
I hope this helps.

Hi J.--

My wife and I are new to the site. However I am experienceing a similar problem wth my son who just turned 9. He is having problems in school too. What I have done is to reward him with things he likes to do. What I mean is when he gets a report, homework, projects done; we go out and do the things he likes to do. When I say we, I mean just he and I. This allows some "us" time and that helps us both out.

I see that your husband is a scout leader, is your son involved with that too? If so, what merit badges is he interested in? Maybe that is a way to get him motivated about something.

I hope this helps.