My Son Suddenly Dislikes His Grandparents.

I know young kids can be fickle, but his reactions are pretty strong and alarming. I don't think kids generally shut off to grandparents unless something happend that traumatized or frightend them when spending time with them. You need to get to the bottom of this. Something happend the last time he was with them and was happy to see them. Hopefully he will open up to you, and tell you what may have happend back when, that caused his opinion of them to change so radically.

It might be something minor like they disciplined him for doing something naughty, and he resents that or doesn't understand how or why they could do that. Or, maybe they told him a terrible ghost story that freaked him out really bad. Or worse case, he saw or experienced something very unthinkable or serious...the type of thing a young child might be too afraid to share with his parents for fear of an angry or negative reaction.

The key is to be calm and tell him it's okay to be honest...you just want to know what happend so that you can fix the situation the best way possible. Be prepared to stay calm and understanding regardless of what he tells you. You don't want him to clam up or feel like he can't be honest without punishment or negativity, regardless of what his spin is on things.

Lastly, for the time being, do not force him to spend time with them, so he will calm down and open up with you about them. Hopefully it's not a big deal and will be resolved soon.

I just have to wonder: if you can't think of an incident which would precipitate this behavior on your son's part... could he be doing this for attention?

I say this because, as a preschool teacher, we see this happen from time to time. It's not so much about the 'not liking' the grandparents/other adults, as much as it is a subconcious way to get LOTS of attention from everyone. We try to correct the child and change their feelings to be more comfortable/socially acceptable, instead of changing our own responses. Spending a lot of time trying to figure out their upset or talk them out of these feelings means LOTS of attention for a little one like your son.

What's worked for some families is to do some strategizing ahead of time, over the phone with the grandparents and certainly out of earshot of the kiddo in question. Explain that you are trying something new: when you get the 'I don't want to go to see Grandparents", ignore it. When you get there and he doesn't want to give hugs, ignore it. Instead of making his behavior the center of attention, go on as if nothing in the world is the matter. If he complains, give him a choice: "you can play with these toys or look at a book, we are visiting right now, come on over when you want to visit with us" and leave him to it.

Two good things: this provides a space for your son where the pressure is off and he doesn't "have to" interact with g'parents. It also gives him context that while he might not like the visit or the person in question, he must still do what is planned. His emotions do not get to control the situation.

And as I said, have the conversation with grandparents first. Let them know that you are "trying something new to help our son through this phase. We don't think it's really about you...". We've had good luck with this 'ignoring the negativity' tactic both at home and with other children, so it's certainly worth a try!

It is apparently obvious that something has happened or occured for him to react so strongly. Maybe having someone else talk with him might make him more comfortable about opening up. He sounds like a very sensitive child, and probably does not want to hurt your feelings, or get in trouble.

The only thing I can come up with is that he needs to see them more. And make sure he is respectful to them , not saying good bye is being respectful. He is only four and learning this now would be wonderful for him.

Our son was like this at that age with my husband's parents. We pretty much ignored it except if he was rude to them we corrected him and made him do/say the right thing (that didn't happen too much). Luckily my husband's parents did not take it personally at ALL and let it roll of their backs. Since then we have seen a lot more of them in the past few years and have had some awesome quality time, vacations, and visits. Last summer our son even spent a week without us at his grandparent's house (Two of his cousins went too). Gradually our son has gotten super close to these grandparents so now things are totally different. He wants to call them, video chat with them, and send them letters all the time now. He is also older - just turned 7. I think seeing them more often and especially the "one-on-one" time with them for a week really changed him and how he thinks of these grandparents! So...perhaps a little special time with just them is what your son needs!

I remember being very sensitive to the smallest things at that age. perhaps there is a smell to their house that is off-putting for your son? Or maybe one of them squeezes him just a little too tight when they hug him. I would take several steps back, try to isolate the variable and determine what factor is the breaking point for your son. Start with having them come to your house and get back to a happy starting point. Lead activities, stay on the floor & engaged with your son and invite the grandparents into your happy world. Then slowly extract yourself and become an observer. Talk to your inlaws. Remind them that kids this age can be capricious and that they should not be offended by your tactics. If it is something simple like Poppop needs to switch aftershaves, they'll be happier in the long run.

Get in touch with your inner Sherlock and solve the mystery! Good luck!

Hi K.,

I'm in agreement with the ladies who think something small may have happened, but to your child's perception, it was large. When I was little I didn't like the way one of my teachers pronounced my name. There was absolutely nothing wrong with this man. I just didn't like the way he said my name. Absolutely silly. I feel bad for him because he was perplexed by why I wasn't happy with him. So it could be a silly something that your son doesn't like. Do you and your husband talk about your parents and the fun and good times you had with them when you were children? Maybe if he hears good stories about them, it will put them in a good light. When he tells you of what he doesn't like, thank him for saying what bothers him. It's important for you as his parents to know what bothers him. That way you get to know and understand him better. Also thank him, especially, when he tells you what he likes. Don't want him to get negative! Maybe he'll open up as to what it is about things and people that he likes and doesn't. Ask him what it is that he likes and doesn't like about the things, etc. that he tells you about.

Good luck,
M.D.