My Son's Behavior

I would suspect the stress of having to help is getting to him. Or he sees how effective tempertantrums are for other kids so he thinks he can get by with it. I know that this is the case with my 6 year old and his 3 year old brother.

I used the Explosive Child by Ross Greene at first because it helps to decide whether I really need to punish him or he's reacting to something I did or didn't do. Then I offer him choices to get him to stop. I've also been in therapy with him because his ADHD unmedicated behaviors and my constant tough reaction destroyed our relationship. The therapist started us doing "special time". But we also make sure he has a set schedule and bed time routine. Especially 20 minutes of reading alone with daddy.

special time:
We do this for 5 minutes a day and he just eats it up, but I cannot give commands, ask questions or make negative comments. The hardest part is lowering my voice at the end of statements so that the high word at the end doesn't sound like a question.

Here are the other things you need, take 2 toys like playdough, drawing supplies, painting supplies, legos, lincoln logs, building blocks, train or car sets that you have to build, nothing that needs instructions or has rules. He can give you rules as long as they are fun and safe. Set them on a table in an empty room have him sit at the table and you tell him. "This is our special time, you can choose one of these two toys for us to play with. If you get up from the table, I can't play with you. If you get mean (meaning verbally or physically abusive) special time is over. (that's punishment enough for it too.)

*I just copied everything my son was doing, repeating every thing he said that wasn't annoying little noises.
*I described everything he was doing
*I Praised everything he did. I like the way you did... (just don't say "that" say exactly what he does.)
*I'm as entusiastic as possible.

You took a yellow block (describing), I'll take a yellow block too (imitation) you said you wanted me to have a blue block (reflection) I like the blue block you chose for me (labeled Praise) I'm happy we're playing together. (enthusiasm)
Our next step which really works well with my 3 year old who's acting the same way and is not getting "special time" in the same way but is getting all the Praise, reflection, imitation, description and enthusiasm all day long now, is to give direct commands.

Always provide a consequence for obedience (thank you for minding me) or disobedience. Following a consequence for disobeying, children shoule obey the original command (so don't clean up the mess while they are in time out) Otherwise they may choose time out to get out of following the command)
Pick up the yellow toy and once he's complied praise him with "thank you for minding me, I like it when you mind me" then give him the 2nd half of the instruction. "Take it to your room" or "give it to me"
If they don't comply then remind them, "Pick up the yellow toy or you'lll have to go to time out" you take them to time out in a grown up chair for 3 minutes and they have to be quiet for 5 seconds. yeah that means you may have to put them back a half a million times but you say stay here until I tell you to get up each time you put them back and walk away. And when the time is up you ask, Are you ready to pick up the yellow block? If they say no they stay in the chair until they are if the say yeah then repeat the instruction when you return to the scene of the instruction. If they don't comply again you start all over with time out.

Here's the key you only do this when you have the time and energy to use it.

To stop behavior immediately avoid saying "DON'T run" cause then they'll break out in a skip or gallop and tick you off. Use a direct instruction. Walk in the house and lower that last word vocally so they know you mean business the first time.

So you don't have time for time out and you still need the child to put on his shoes, give him a choice, put on your shoes or you don't get such and such while you're out. Avoid things that they won't get to have until much later because they will have forgotten and they will just have a meltdown when reminded of the fact.

I hope this is all clear.

Here's what my paper work says:

Make commands direct not indirect
Direct: Sit down right here
Indirect: Would you like to sit down?
Direct: Pick up your toys:
Indirect: Let's pick up your toys, Okay?

Give one command at a time instead of a string of commands
~Brush your teeth
~instead of brush your teeth, comb your hair, wash your face

State commands positively
~Child runs away from parent
~ Parent says "hold my hand" instead of don't run away from me
~Child on the kitchen counter
~Parent says "Get down Please" instead of don't climb on the counter

Make commands specific, not vague.
~Make your bed
~instead of clean your room
~use your indoor voice
~instead of act nice

Use a neutral tone of voice instead of yelling or pleading
~come sit next to me
~instead of...Sit here now!! or It would make mommy happy if you would sit here please?

Be polite and respectful while still being direct and clear
~Please hand me the crayon or Sit next to me please
Okay I don't use this one yet because they have been taught you can say no to requests

Give Choices at the childs developement level when either of 2 behaviors are appropriate
~Please put on your white socks or your blue socks
~use your indoor voice or play in the backyard
( you can fall back on this one when you don't have time for all the other stuff, only insert a good choice "put your socks on" or a bad choice " or you don't get to go outside" Most often, it's you're going to lose [your favorite things~~tv, activities, toys, freedom])

Limit the use of explanations, when you give one do it before the command or after the child has obeyed
~our playtime is over and we need to get ready to go to the store. Please, put your crayons away
**child asks why parent ignores because explanation has already been given
~instead of "put the crayons away"
**child asks why
Parent says because we need to get ready to go.
Child says after I finish
Parent says I said put the crayons away NOW!!



Wait until you have all the others master before you worry about these:
Save direct commands for things you are sure your child can do. To encourage new behaviors, use a suggestion instead of a direct command.
~Would you like to try to sign it?
** instead of write your name here
~maybe you can make a picture
**instead of draw a horse

Save direct commands for times when it's important for the child to obey
~ when the child is crossing the street tell them "take my hand"
**instead of chew your food exactly 30 times


That's every tool I have for them here's a few for you
Don't take anything personally
Don't make assumptions
Be impeccable in your word
Do the best you can.

It sounds to me like he is trying to get attention from you. It especially makes me think that because it isn't the same with your husband. I don't know how you respond to his fits, but if you react at all (as most of us would), he is getting positive reinforcement from your reaction and is encouraged to do it again. Because of having a child with special needs, I know how demanding that can also be. While he loves his sister, maybe he needs just a little son & mom time for individual interaction and the attention he is craving. Also, I would recommend Love and Logic (written by Fay) for behavior. I have a book about 3-5 year olds and it has been very helpful. You can check it out at the library. They recommend giving empathy (I know you must feel sad that you can't have that toy) but then also not reinforcing the behavior (when they keep whining, say something like "I know". Keep repeating this until they give up trying to get your attention.) Giving choices works well--you may go to your room or continue watching the movie. I usually send my daughter to her room when she is having a fit and tell her she can rejoin us when she is done. Without our eyes on her, she is quick to end the fit. Also, Love and Logic says if the child is throwing a tantrum, instead of saying "stop that" we say "Wow, that isn't much of a tantrum. I bet you can yell louder than that." Kids will discontinue the tantrum fairly quickly. These are just brief (and maybe not great) examples, but the book is really helpful. Good luck.

I couldn't have advised you any better than Debby. Get control now, while they're young and easy! Well, ok - not easy, but definitely easier.

My son has adhd and tons of energy. We created parenting solutions that turn problems into priceless memories together, so be sure to ask your son what he thinks will help him stop. This involves him in the process. My book is full of other ideas for quick and fun quality time for him alone or together to meet both your needs. I am a single mom with a disability and my son has adhd so you can imagine we have the best ideas to share with you! My son is now 12, gets straight A's, well mannered, star of school play, great athlete, etc. all due to these techniques that made both our lives easier. Hope this helps! www.twominutemom.com