My Two Year Old Does Not Want to Mind Me

I would echo what the second response said. Giving choices is key as it gives the child even at 2 an opportunity to make a good choice. If a bad choice is then the child will need to understand that they had a choice and their choices have consequences.
The only thing I would add is about the hugging. Hugging a child AFTER the time-out, going to room, or whatever discipline you choose to carry out can be very positive. After discipline is one of the most teachable moments you have as a parent. This is often a time when the child is longing to be reaffirmed and listen to what you have to say.
This also lets the child know that while you don't approve of their behavior you love them uconditionally.

I am a mother of a 2 year old myself and stepmom of a 9 and 11 year old daughter. I was also a preschool teacher and majored in child psychology. So I have been through all of what you are experiencing right now.... a lot.
Welcome to the toddler years. That is just how it is. They do not have the capacity or socialized behavior yet to listen on command most of the time. It is very helpful to read some books on toddler behavior so you can get a better understanding of what to expect and how to best deal with it. Otherwise you are just going to frustrate yourself and your child.
A good book is The happiest toddler on the block by Dr. Harvey Karp and What to Expect the Toddler Years. Another book (not sure of the exact title but can get it at Baby's R Us or Amazon) its by American Academy of Pediatrics Birth Through Age 5 Child Development. Also ask your pediatrician for advice. They should be able to give you some quick tips.
Unfortunately it's innate for toddlers to test boundaries, push for independence and autonomy. They are notorious for pushing buttons, not listening and being tenacious at doing things their way.
Give her choices opposed to always saying no. Would you like to wear the blue shoes or the pink shoes. Would you like to jump on the floor or SIT on the couch, but we do not jump on the couch. If your toddler continues to disobey, remove her from the situation (without reacting or yelling) and REDIRECT her to another intersting activity. Tell her in a stern but loving voice. We jump on the floor not on the couch. You can get a boo boo jumping on the couch. Follow her ques. If she wants to jump give her a safe alternative-a trampoline, bouncy horse, etc.
Toddlers also NEED consistency. If you bend the rules once they will push to bend them each time after. NO should mean NO. You should have a small list of rules in the house they remain the same each day. No hitting (hands are for clapping), inside voice (no yelling), etc. If your child continues to disobey and still jumps on the couch, remove her from the couch
Another suggestion, make time for yourself. Take a break every once in a while. The more stressed you are the less able you are to deal with confrontations or difficult situations with the patience that toddlers need.
Raising a toddler the RIGHT way is def. not an easy job. But done the right way it's so much more rewarding for you and your child and your relationship is so much better and there is so much less frustration.

it seems like your expectations might exceed her age. time out used for punishment is not age appropriate in my mind. she is only two. have you looked for anything that might be setting her up to fail? is she getting enough sleep? some studies have shown that many children including a surprising number of toddlers are sleep deprived. taking her away from fun is fine but you may also want to create situations where she can be successful. then she can hear about all the things he is doing right!

concerning whining, i told my daughter i could not hear her when she whines and that has been pretty effective. keep in mind that if she is tired or hungry she is going to be whiny and bratty and turning a situation like that into a battles of wills is futile.

my final and possibly most important thought for my family is transition warnings! i have starting discussing with my daughter (also 2) what we are going to do the next day and then again the following morning and between each event. a little chat in the car. 'we are going swimming tonight after school' or 'when we get home you will take a bath and then books and then bed.' i'm always surprised at how she will remember what i said we would do the day before. since i've started doing this our tantrum rate has gone WAY down.

sometimes it is important that they make choices and act grown up and sometimes they are still babies that need our guidance and patience.

I just wanted to tell what we do when we punish. Our son is 3, and he doesn't always listen, sometimes won't go to his room when told, etc, and we have to make him go, but we always hug him right after and tell him we love him. We also say "You need to be good and listen to (mommy/daddy)." We're really careful to not say "We love you but you need to be good." b/c we don't want them to feel there is a limit to our love. We tell him that we discipline b/c we love, if we didn't love him, we wouldn't care if he got hurt (for example), but we do care, and that's why we tell him not to do whatever it was. We don't lessen the punishment, but we always have with it a short talk, a hug and a statement of love. It made his attitude change a lot, even though actions didn't drastically change (he's still trying to push those boundaries).

I have a few suggestions. At your daughter's age, she's trying to assert her independence and she's also looking for the limits. Meaning she's trying to see how far her autonomy stretches. You're doing right by picking her up and MAKING her go. When you do this, make sure you talk to her about it. Say "I told you to go to your room and you didn't do it, so Mommy had to do it for you. You only get two choices, do it yourself, or Mommy will MAKE you." Those were the two choices I always gave my boys (do it yourself, or I'll make you do it and if I have to make you, you're going to get three swats/time out/in the corner whatever) and they seem effective. Give them the choice between behaving or being treated like a little tiny baby, and most often they will choose to obey.

As far as whining goes, when your daughter starts whining, tell her that you are changing your ears so they can only hear her big girl voice, then ignore everything she says in the whiny tone. It can be tough to ignore, but you have to be consistent. Once she talks to you in her big girl voice again, praise her for getting herself under control and tell her that it was a very grown-up thing to do.

These suggestions promote a child driven attitude reversal, which I have found is the most effective for making the new, good behavior permanent.

You are kidding right? She's TWO!

Just so that you don't feel alone.... ALL two year old's don't want to mind their parents. They are at the development stage where they are testing boundaries and challenging authority while still learning and challenging their own abilities through the whole process. Let her do what she can on her own- safely. For example- walking up the stairs by herself (with you behind her of course!), stirring dinner and helping make it, making choices regarding 30 minute dvd programs or playing games.

The MOST IMPORTANT part of raising an independent toddler is to stay consistent. You can not expect a 2 year old to comprehend that "going to their room" is a punishment. Let me guess... she has sleeping issues as well. I would if I thought my room was a bad place to be at the age of 2! Use time out.

Find a small and better yet uncomfortable chair or stool for her to sit in for 2 minutes (one minute per year of age). Take her to the time out chair when she has made a poor behavior choice and sit her in it. She WILL CRY! It is OK! Tell her (at eye level)in a soft but firm voice WHY she is being placed in time out. Set the timer for 2 minutes and stay close- but do not talk to her or engage her in any way. If she leaves the chair, kindly place her back in and say (again in a kind but firm voice) you are in time out. I do not recommend that you leave the room because she may get out and wander off and the whole process will be void. When the timer beeps approach her at eye level (again in a kind but firm voice) explain WHY she was in time out and ask her if she understands. Tell her that you do not accept the behavior and tell her that you love her. Ask for an apology and a hug. Let her go and change the tone of the conversation to a much more positive and happy voice. Smile and go on playing.

KEEP CONSISTANT!
If she does the unwanted behavior again send her back to time out- going through the steps again. YOU CAN DO IT!

We are all in the same boat! Toddlers are toddlers are toddlers! Across the globe. Just remember that she is yours and she will be shaped by how you respond to her behaviors. Let her form her own personality, but along with your husband (remember he is your partner in this "raising a child thing") decide what you deem to be poor behavior choices and be consistent in disciplining those behaviors.

Reading your example, I thought, "how can girl get mommy's attention?", just bother her and refuse to stop ... sometimes girl even gets a hug! How can "stop" be made a little clearer?

Take a moment to yourself, and say, "I will make mistakes, and that's okay. I can make this message clear for her. I confuse my child if I feel a need to show her my guilt or fear or confusion. I want her to know without a doubt that "stop" means STOP.

Now, when she deliberately does something after you say stop (be sure she knows she is to stop "pounding" or "harming the table", and it's not about what else may be happening at the same time like, "standing on one foot", or "having hair in her face", etc). Tell her to _________ (same consequence every time). Personally, "go to her room" seems the last thing for a 2 yr old. Try, 'sit under the table', or 'sit next to the dishwasher,' while you're busy in the kitchen; somewhere near you.

Hello S.,

Sounds like this a battle of strength! She has gotten use to you allowing her to have her way an now it is getting out of control. I hope that you can get this under control before she really embarrasses you while you are out in public. The key to this is to show that you are in charge! You have to let her that by changing how you talk to her… If you tell her to go to her room it would help that you do this with out yelling. You will need to make sure that tone you are using with her when she does something bad is sound strong to her. What I mean.. Take a tone almost like a deep tone to let her know that you are do not approve of her behavior, You have to get on her level, by bending down to look her directly in her face and tell her that you have asked her to stop banging on the table and that since she has chosen to keep doing it that she will now be in time out.

Since this might be new for her you will have to work hard in getting her to understand what this means.. Time out can be like 5 – 10 min long.. Instead of sending her to her room find a quite spot with no tv and nothing for her to play with and have her sit in that spot.. it does not matter if she cries cause she will and she might even get up from the spot you have put her in. you will have to be stern, Keep taking her back to that spot till she sits out that time you have set for her to do . Depending on how strong headed she is this might take a while..

Once she has done her time in the spot you have for her let her know that her time is up you will need to take time to sit her down and talk to her let her that mommy is not happy when you don’t listen to her and that from now on when she does not listen this is where she will go.. if she calm and she is paying close attention to you.. and you know that she understands this is time to hug her.
This will not be easy cause you will have to put your feeling sad for her aside!

We all love our children but some time when we love them too much to not punish then when they are doing something bad hurts the child in the long run.

hope this helps
'e'

That is normal 2 year old behavior. I would try to figure out her triggers: Is it the same time everyday, does she need a snack, more down time, some juice water to pep her up before dinner,....

Just be consistent. I had to stand in the doorway for weeks, just to keep my daughter in time out. Then I realized she felt cutoff from the rest of the family in her room, so I put time out in a folding chair in the kitchen and she would normally sit there just fine. Just be consistent and hug her afterwards reminding her you love her, you just cannot accept her behavior. hang in there!

Try 1-2-3 Magic. We used it with my 12 year old when he was little and my 5 year old starting at a young age as well. It is the best thing we ever did. Our kids still mind us to this day and are very respectful.

My husband and I liked the system because it gave us control. Keep in mind...both you and your husband must be on board and do it together or it will not work.

Uh, she's two. If I told my two year old to go to her room as punishment, she wouldn't understand that. If you do timeouts, it should only be for one minute for each year of their age. So designate an area in your house for timeout, like a stairstep or a corner & then don't pay her any attention. That's far more effective at their age since they like the attention. It may take a bit before they actually sit but it should work.

It sounds like you know what to do. Be firm along with your loving. The Bible says about necessary discipline, "do not spare for their crying". AF

Have you tried 1-2-3 Magic? There is a book and a video. Also, remember to keep your instructions age-appropriate. My husband always expected my son to be able to do things that were far above his age level.

We have never spanked our son, and he is very well behaved at age ten.

C. B.

I agree with all of the excellent advice so far. The thing to remember is, she is two, and at that age, all children are basically selfish and are not interested in anything but what they want. I don't mean to say that they aren't wonderful, it's just a survival mechanism. They are too incapable of protecting themselves, so their natural behavior is self-interest, me, me, me. You have to teach her the boundaries, and that it is okay to be upset, but her crying her heart out won't change the rules. The ignoring the cries can be very hard, but once you see the results from only paying attention to her proper behavior, you will be glad you stuck with it. Good luck!

hugging your kid isn't something to feel guilty over, just don't be a total marshmallow. taking her to her room when she refuses to obey you is fine. my preference would be a time-out chair (one's room should be a haven, not a place of punishment) but whatever works for you. at 2 her consequences should be immediate and short. don't keep her in there for long, DO make sure it happens every time, and hug her if you want but don't let her out of the 'punishment.' (if you tell her beforehand what the consequence will be and she goes ahead with the behavior, i don't really think it's punishment, it's wish-fulfilment<G>.)
it is perfect normal, natural and even desirable for kids to test the boundaries at this age. the whining goes along with that. they are saying 'how far can i go?' oblige them by giving them a clear answer. it benefits everyone.
khairete
S.

Yes, definitely a battle of the wills...this is totally normal for a toddler! They are trying to push their limits and feel out their boundaries....and PLEASE do not feel guilty when she cries over getting punished - that is the mom's first mistake! She is manipulating you the only way she knows how - so stand your ground and don't cave. Give her a punishment (going to your room is not a punishment, I'm sure she has toys, etc in there)....try making her go to a corner or naughty chair, etc...and she has to sit there - the SuperNanny technique does work! And then AFTER that period of time has lapsed, usually 2-5 minutes, THEN give her a hug. But don't let her push you around or else she will think she can get away with it. When she learns who is in charge, she will have must more respect for you and have a better attitude and obedience level.

When my kids disobey me after a warning then they get a time out, 1 minute for every year they have. Then when my son whines over something he can't have or when I say no (like no chocolate or candy for breakfast) I make him go to his room until he is ready to listen. My son is almost four and my daughter is two. These things seem to work for them when I really stick to it. Sometimes I feel bad and give hugs or cuddles and it reinforces the negative behavior. Be strong and your child will get become better at minding you.

You need to be the parent. You cannot be her friend.
It is your job to teach her right and wrong. You also need to be consistent. If you don't allow a specific behavior, you simply must never every allow it. Give one warning and if the behavior continues, she goes in time out. Pick a place - not her room - like a wooden chair in a quiet corner (not facing the corner) for time out. She needs to sit for 1 min per year of age. Use a timer - that way the timer is the one keeping her there, not you. If she cries, so be it. Mine had to sit quietly until the timer went off. If they whined, got up, or whatever, the timer started over. Period. The first few times were agony. But, consistency is the key.
Parenting is not easy. It gets harder as they get older. You need to establish rules and appropriate behavior now - you can't do it when they are 12. Good kids don't just happen... Good kids come from disciplined homes.

YMMV
LBC

What I do works very well for me.. my 1 year old son like to pull my lamps over n hit me n my husband etc... he knows how to throw a fit lol plus he's the only child... but I put him in his high chair faced towards the wall with no toys etc for 1 min cause of his age... if she's 2 then 2 min n so on... its worth a try... goodluck :)