My Sons Will Not Stop Hitting

WOW! WHAT great advice the other mom's gave today! To make it easier to get the picture through to your kids that you mean business about what your rules are about no hitting, etc, go to this site for ideas
http://www.gomommygo.com/
there are good ideas on this page how to on how to start a plan for good behavior:
http://www.gomommygo.com/getaplan.html
and how to make a chart so you won't have to use spanking:
http://www.gomommygo.com/thankdontspank.html
and when they fight what to do:
http://www.gomommygo.com/consequenses.html#chair
and other ideas on discipline:
http://www.gomommygo.com/consequenses.html
I agree with the child psychologist Dr Dobson who said, "No success in the world can compensate for failure at home"

TIME you spend with your kids NOW will prevent you from having to spend money on counseling and psychiatrists LATER!

Love and best wishes,
R.

I read a book called Parenting the Defiant Child written by the head of the Yale Institute on Child Behavior, and even if your child isn't 'defiant', per se, it has excellent advice on strategies to help encourage good behavior and discourage bad behavior. I got it from the Long Beach library so you could probably find it there.

You've received some great advice with the exception of one poster in my opinion. I am completely appalled that someone could think that HITTING a child by spanking would actually teach a child to NOT hit. Something about do what I say not as I do thinking just doesn't resonate with me well.

I would advise you to take away the "currency." Find out what would be the worst thing to go without for a day and warn that this is going to be taken away until the next day for hitting. Continue everyday if necessary and when the kids are down to few toys I would imagine they would figure out that hitting is not a good choice in dealing with frustrations.
Please just don't hit your kids in order to teach them to not hit!
P.

Hi A.,

The previous comments were all very good. I would add this: your sons must NEVER, EVER show you disrespect, period, amen. IMHO, if you tackle them screaming at you--disrespect--then the issues with their sisters will chill out. How boys treat their mother is indicative throughout a lifetime of how they treat all the women in their lives. All the techniques listed in previous emails are very effective with proper consistency.

I very much agree with the previous comment about getting your husband involved. My youngest was heinously rude to me this past August, to the point where I knew there was no way I could be rational on the subject. I gave the entire situation over to my husband with very clear instructions as to what the end result would be and he delivered. It was a blend of punishment and one-on-one time about how to properly treat the women in your life, especially mom. It worked like a charm and my son has not been disrespectful even once since then (it's been nearly five months...he's 10).

I would also work with your daughters on not manipulating the boys or exaggerating the situation. Culpability goes all the way around!

Good luck! Sounds like you have your hands full.

Whenever my kids gave me conflicting answers about something, or wanted me to choose sides to figure out "whose fault" something was, I imposed the vconsequences on ALL of them. (I have 4 kids.) If they fought over the TV, it went off. If they fought over a toy, I took it away. If they bickered with each other, I sent them to separate rooms. (If they complained about being separated, I pointed out that they weren't having much fun together.)

Having everyone face the same consequence is a poweful motivation to work things out on their own!

Your kidding us right ?? ever hear of time out, they are old enough to do a little time in a chair, if they get out of it before time is up then they go right back in the chiar and start over, don't yell don't say anthing if they get up, just grab their little hands and march them right back into the time out, every time they hit, its in the chair, if they do it again its on their bed for 30 mins, and so..

Yelling is apparently of no consequence to your kids. I think you need to step up the punishment until it is no longer advantageous to your boys to hit their sisters. Start taking away privileges, time outs, throwing away toys (really - throw them away) and removing whatever it is they are fighting about. The punishment has to fit the crime - so throw away whatever toy it is they are fighting about. Hitting is not OK, and especially a 5 year old should know better. Good luck

Okay, here is what you do. Get several nanny cams in the areas where your children are most likely to have a physical altercation. Then after a few incidences you are going to show them that you know what they do and you are going to make them watch their own behavior. But just before that you are going to make a set of rules for them with rewards for good things and some type of appropriate punishment for naughty things. maybe a chart of good and bad behavior with pictures showing them what you want them to do or not do. Then you are going to make a special category for lying. You always want them to tell the truth. Punishment for lying must be the worst possible thing that they would never want. Then when the girls say that they have been hit and the boys say no, go get out the video of the incident and review is with everyone. You might find that the girls aren't so innocent all the time. I have dealt with children that seemed so innocent and lied there little tails off. See if it works. The children must know that lying is the biggest NONO in the household and it will not be tolerated. Confessing to a naughtiness will bring a lesser punishment then lying. Being nice to each other brings rewards. You might figure out what each child wants more than anything else and work out a strategy for each child. Good luck.

A.,
You have your hands full. You really need to step it up. You and your husband are allowing your daughters to be abused and neglected. Ask yourself why? The answer may be deeper than it seems. Sit with your husband and make a game plan. Hitting your daughters and yelling at Mom is not acceptable. It can cause some deep issues in your daughters, resentment, not to mention that this can escalate into throwing items at them. I am proud of you for realizing you need help with this situation. This forum gives excellent advice. A book that I recommend is Raising Emotionally Intelligent Children by Gottman. I believe in time out.... and time in, which is like having a talking stick or family meeting. Best of luck.
E.

can you tell us what ages your sons are?
that might make a difference in how to respond...

Just make consequences when they "hurt" others, per their age and appropriately for their age.

Emphasize that a family is a "TEAM" and that they ALL have to have each other's back... to take care of each other, to care for one another, to help not harm.

Then they need positive modeling.

Do not get into "who's fault" it is... if one is hitting another, just give everyone the SAME discipline... ie: take away the toys. Take away dessert. Take away a special activity. Take away TV privileges. Take away a favorite item or clothing. Create "tally" marks for each infraction they do toward "others" and likewise for each "good" thing they do for others- then maybe they get a prize or something. Take away games or gadgets they have. No discussing it or getting too wordy, just do it. Take away "allowance" (if they get any). Make them EARN "good behavior" coins. Put them in their room and they have to ALL stay there and mull over it. Some teacher's do this... one bad apple, and the WHOLE class suffers. Then that way, they all are less prone to misbehaving because if ONLY 1 does something "bad" ALL will have to "suffer."

But it HAS TO BE age appropriate, no matter what method you use. And never demoralize or demean them.

Tell them it is simply NOT ACCEPTABLE, in this house.

If they yell, then so be it. Don't get into that with them. Address the issues.

Teach them about telling the truth. Not blaming. Not lying. Tell them that if they continue, YOU will not believe them and they will ALL have a consequence. Teach them about TRUST.

So many tips.. but again, it has to be age appropriate.

Your sons "seem" older... and if so, it's best to get them on board now....you don't want them to turn into bullies or something, and always mistreat their sisters. They need to KNOW how to care about and love their younger siblings too... and themselves. THIS is a "lesson" they need as well.

And perhaps, restrict what they watch on tv and/or play with.

Kids need "boundaries"... and when they don't have any, they act up. They need structure too. And positive things to do with their energy and physicality.

Good luck,
Susan

Spank the little brats, put them in time out in their room and take all of their toys away. You need to watch your kids closer so you can see if they hit when you walk away. If it's true, catch them in the act.